So, I'm writing these authors notes as my family is packing to go on our first road trip since like … high school (which there is a reason for that) LOL … but I digress.

So this is part two from my earlier post this week. I would have finished but I got distracted because it was by birthday on Monday, then I was really busy chasing the joker through an asylum, but I have finished this one.

Oh … and before I go I would like to thank Castilian for your PM. I will take your advice to heart. ;)

Enjoy

Nostalgia

"Nostalgia: the longing to return to the past"

The small Mexican town's streets were deathly silent despite being outlined with the rows of what was left of Companies, Alpha and Bravo.

It was a whiplash change for Sarah, who had been in the presence of the always upbeat and laid back Company C for most of the day. But the soldiers in front of her were neither. Silent and tired, those who survived the horrible blunder of the other night had very little to celebrate and very little to be happy about. Two days ago they numbered just above one hundred and thirty and now there was barely enough to fill two platoons. There was an air of sad heartedness that lingered on the dirty and scorched faces of the dazed men and woman Sarah passed.

As she walked she found a small nativity scene that sat in the middle of town. Boxes and carved gifts were placed in front of an empty manger. A lavished but worn altar was placed in front of the scene with lit candles and a crucifix. Sarah saw a familiar figure on his knees in front of the alter praying. Her hardened face softened and quietly she approached, as not to disturb him.

"El padre divino, me perdona por favor para los pecados que he comentado en ignorancia y me da una muestra de su dirección en mi época de la necesidad." Ryan whispered quietly in Spanish, his eyes where closed and his voice was troubled as if he was plagued with indecision. Sarah wasn't sure what he had meant with his prayer, but she had a feeling that it was about something weighing on his mind. When he was done he crossed himself and stood up. He jumped when he turned and saw Sarah standing there.

"Sorry, I didn't want to disturb you." Sarah said apologetically. Ryan caught his breath and tiredly closed his eyes accepting the apology. "Something on your mind tonight?" She asked pointing to the three lit candles on the Altar.

"That's an understatement …" Ryan sighed with a chuckle.

"You think he's going to help?" Sarah motioned to the Crucifix. Ryan turned to look at it.

"I sure hope so." He said seriously. His tone caused her to frown in concern.

"Something you'd like to share?" She shook her head. Ryan gave her a look of concentration for a moment before he sighed.

"No, not tonight." Ryan answered running his flesh and blood hand through his matching raven haired head. He turned and began walking toward an old building that had a door open. Sarah followed shivering a little when the wind kicked up. Ryan saw the small motion and turned back and walked next to her blocking the wind with his body. She gave him a grateful look as they entered the building.

The adobe building was a small home, with an old iron stove burning, a wooden table with Ryan's plasma rifle lying on top of a worn map, and several chairs. The entire house was lit by an electric lantern that sat on the table There was only one other room in the house, a bare bedroom with a cot with a soft mattress on top.

Ryan sighed tiredly and closed the wooden door behind Sarah. After several moments the heat from the stove began to become trapped in the small home, warming it considerably. Both Connors stood by the stove warming themselves quietly not sure what to say to each other. Luckily the awkward silence was cut short by a knock.

"Come in." Ryan called. The door opened and the same auburn haired young woman from the other night stuck her head in the door.

"Rye …?" she called cautiously.

"Yeah, Sid?" Ryan looked at her.

"Jake … I mean Lieutenant Crowley is looking for you." The woman replied.

"Send him here … and uh … ask CP to send some rations and supplies. Then, see that we commandeer some of these empty buildings for lodging?" Ryan asked politely. The girl nodded and saluted giving Sarah a hard almost larger then life look, like she was staring at a celebrity or famous athlete. After a beat she swallowed and left.

Ryan warmed his hands for a moment longer, then walked to the table and began to undo his utility belt around his waist.

"So you got arrested, huh?" He asked with a humored smile. Sarah gave a light smile back and tilted her head.

"Wasn't my intention to be." Sarah said turning to face him.

"It's alright; I've had my share of scuffles with the Jackass." He said placing the belt on the table and began to unbutton his Leather Jacket.

"So I've heard …" She smiled knowingly, causing him to lift an eyebrow. Just then another knock cut there conversation short.

"Come in" Ryan called again. This time a tall broad man with a pale complexion and buzzed brunet hair walked in. he had a straight posture and his strong jaw was set in an angry pose.

"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" Ryan asked. The man gave Sarah a quick look before turning his head back to Ryan.

"I would like a transfer of assignment, sir." The man's voice was powerful and filled with restraint anger. Ryan frowned and pulled up a chair and sat with a creak. He motioned to one of the chairs. The Lieutenant shook his head and continued to stand at attention.

"Why?" Ryan asked simply.

"Permission to speak freely?" the man asked sternly. Ryan nodded crossing his arms.

"Eiling … The man is an absolute disgrace to Tech-Com. I mean he ordered an attack on that valley with little regard for the situation, and then he ordered an Air package on top of us in the middle of a rescue mission! … You where there … you and me and Rosaline we're all there when the bombs where dropped on us like we're dirt or worst …!" the man yelled taking out all his rage on a quiet Ryan who was giving the larger man his undivided attention with a passive face. Sarah felt painful guilt as the man stopped, his large chest was heaving and his hazel eyes where glassy.

"Continue …" Ryan said neutrally placing his gloved knuckles under his nose.

"Well … I mean … Colonel Connor … Cameron, would have never have ordered an attack with the machines clearly baitin us and not enough Intel on the ground with only half the unit concentrated. … Hell, a blind man could have seen it was a trap!" the man yelled again stopping only to regroup himself with the released anger causing him to skip words in sentences. After a moment he collected himself and once again stood at attention. "I refuse to serve under a butcher who sees his own soldiers as something less then human … so I respectfully request another assignment away from this Campaign, sir?" he asked with a voice that was trying very hard to hold back emotions. Ryan shifted before he stood and sighed looking at the man with kind eyes but a stern face.

"Lieutenant Crowley, you've been a part of this command along time, and your expertise and experience has been invaluable to this unit. You're a good man and I look forward to seeing you taking my place here, but I can't spare you now." Ryan said respectively.

"Rye …" Crowley protested.

"There is another fight coming and we need every man. I know your grievances with Eiling and I have them too. But, I need everyone here and so does your platoon." Ryan interrupted clasping a friendly hand on the older man's shoulder. "I'm sorry, Jake." Ryan frowned sadly.

The man gave a bitter look to the wall and saluted sharply before turning to leave.

"Jake, I'm sorry about Rosaline … I know she loved you very much." Ryan called as the Officer reached the door.

"She was a good soldier, and an amazing wife … and soon the rest of our men will end up sharing her fate." He replied bitterly slamming the door on his way out.

A silence once again stilled the bare home as Ryan rubbed his eyes tiredly and shook his head. Sarah was unsure how to describe her feelings as the sad hearted feeling crept its way into the home, dragging Ryan down with it.

"I'm uh … I'm sorry." Ryan cleared his throat giving her a quick and faded smile. Sarah felt like Ryan was apologizing to her for failing miserably at something.

"You don't have to apologize to me." Sarah consoled with a serious face.

"After the last couple of days I feel like I owe someone one." Ryan sat back in the wooden chair and bend over, placing his hands on his face wearily.

"Don't …" was all Sarah could muster to say to a very broken looking Officer, Unsure on how to help him without it being awkward, she decided to let him sort things out in his head by himself.

"You know it's funny that he sighted Mom in his rant … if he only knew." He chuckled, sighing he lent back in the chair and looked at his gloved hand.

***

2024

Ryan was in out of consciousness for several hours. He felt himself pressed against a small feminine back as someone carried him cautiously through a blurred nightmare of twisted rebar and rubble. He became self-aware only three times in those couple of days.

The first was when the female laid him on the dirty ash. The jolt of the hard ground woke him from his coma. He groaned weakly as his only eye squinted at the fuzzy figure that was looming over him. He felt a warm hand gently take his cheek; he closed his eye at the touch for a moment. Then he panicked as another hand gripped his Combat Knife hidden in his Motorcycle boot. Ryan reached for the hand weakly grasping the smooth wrist in protest.

"It's alright …Ryan … it's alright." He heard his mother quietly reassure him.

"No … you're not her." Ryan fought the Beauty weakly. After not feeling the sharp pain of a knife being driven into him, he settled down. He saw a blurred cutting motion above him almost like she had mutilated herself.

"Come here." Cameron said lifting him against her with one hand while the other was pinched to her neck. Ryan's head lolled causing her to gently place his him under her chin. Ryan felt his dried lips gaze smooth skin till he his they were touching her thumb. Then, she slipped it away and a warm liquid oozed into his mouth. The thick irony tag caused him to struggle against the hand that was forcing him to ingest it.

"Ryan … Ryan, you are dehydrated and I have no water … you need to drink." Cameron Commanded steeling her grip on the back of his neck. Unable to fight her any longer he slowly placed his mouth against her neck and let the warm synthetic blood flow down is throat. Things went black, when she gently removed him from her.

The next time he was awoken by Cameron herself who this time had his upper body cradled in her arms.

"Ryan, you are low on carbohydrates, you need to eat this." Cameron placed a blurry square in front of his eyes. Ryan weakly reached for it and pulled it out of her light grip. He placed it against his mouth, but was unable to effectively bite the hardened cracker like square.

"I can't … I can't." He wheezed shaking his head. Cameron took the square from his hand and analyzed it. Ryan was about to black out when a rough snap and girding brought him back into his hazed consciousness.

"Open your mouth." Cameron said through purposeful chewing. Ryan weakly did so, no longer fighting her. He felt her fingers gently open his mouth a little wider. Then a shadow blurred his vision as soft lips pressed against his and he felt a slugged oatmeal like muck transfer from her mouth to his, he coughed struggling to swallow it. He had help from Cameron, who took her thumbs and rubbed his throat gently, helping him ingest the protein. After he had swallowed, she bit off another piece and chewed and once again pressed her lips against his, feeding him. After more then half the square was gone, she stopped and gently stroked his beanie clad head, pulling on the locks of curled raven hair sticking out.

"I'm sorry, this happened." She said kissing his brow as he blacked out again.

The final time he was conscious it was because of a numbing cold that ran through his body. He was disturbed by the feather light snow flakes that where landing on his face. Ryan was sure he had never been this cold in his entire life as he shivered uncontrollably.

"Mom …" Ryan felt so childish for calling her, but he knew that this was probably the last time he'll be awake and he wouldn't mind seeing someone he loved at the moment, even if she was just a hallucination.

Hands griped his uniformed overcoat and lifted him effortlessly out of the snow drift and under cover in a cove. His breath was ragged as the numb feeling began to spread up his body.

I'm sorry … that I couldn't … save you that I hesitated when you … needed me most." Ryan shivered out. From his hazed vision he saw Cameron stripping off her clothing quickly.

"It wasn't your fault … you did all you could." Cameron said consolingly as he felt hands undo his overcoat and then his fatigue shirt leaving both open, exposing his Navy blue undershirt. Then Cameron laid her naked body on top of him wrapping her arms underneath his layers and around his torso pressing herself against him. He felt her smooth cheek pressed against face as she rubbed his back warmly. A whirring sound caught his ear, when all the sudden Cameron's naked body started to feel like a heating pad. The numbness slowly dissolved giving him a small moment of comfort. His mind began to dissolve into nothingness as the world flashed on and off with his final act he wrapped his only arm around Cameron's silky back and pressed his face into her cheek.

And in his last moments of alertness he let himself believe that she was hugging him, because she was happy to see him.

Then Black.

***

"What happened to Cameron?" Sarah asked as she stared at Ryan who was lost in memories. He gave Sarah a pained look and stared at the glowing fire in the stove.

After a tense silence Ryan spoke

"It was around this time, when I was Ten … Dad had yelled at me for something that I can't even remember anymore. I was on my way back to our room when I felt like something was wrong. You know, I couldn't quiet pinpoint what it was … just there was something off. It wasn't the lights or the hallway; there was just something … wrong. So I raced to go tell mom who was waiting for me in our Quarters. When I got inside …" Ryan cleared his throat for a moment before continued. "When I got to the room, Mom was naked and pinned to the cot and this liquid metal was oozing it's self on to her. In my entire life I've never seen mom so scared. My instincts took over and I raced and grabbed your old shotgun, I pumped it and pointed it straight at it. Then … I hesitated. I sat there watching this thing eating my mother whole … and I didn't react. All I saw was mom's horrified look, while this sleek mannequin looking figure was looking at me, just daring me to stop it. It was the only time I ever saw mom cry." Ryan's body tensed as he stared into the fire.

"What happened?" Sarah asked watching the pure regret evident on his face.

"Dad busted through the door, I guess he felt that there was something off too. He shoved me out of the way and into the wall. I hit my head and was knocked unconscious. When I woke up Mom was gone … Dad told me to pack my stuff and we started to search for her. … Dad never treated or looked at me the same way again. I guess, I don't blame him for blaming me for what happened." Ryan said remorsefully. Sarah felt a stinging in her heart with the thought of John, her son John Connor ever blaming a child for something.

"Weeks turned to months and months turned to years. Chasing one dead end after another, eventually it started to take its toll on dad mentally. He started to argue with you in his sleep. He would beg you to understand that he couldn't live without mom. Soon, he was full out having conversations with your ghost. We would be in the middle of the Central American rainforest when he would just start to talk, asking you for directions or what a track meant." Ryan turned to Sarah, just staring at her face searching her eyes for something that she wasn't quiet she had.

"Then, one morning we where camping in the middle of the Chilean mountains. I woke up to find him standing there looking out at the ranges, he had Mom and his wedding picture in his hand. He just stood there, all day just staring … then just as the sun set he told me to pack my stuff, we where going back home. … I told him, that Mom wouldn't stop trying to find us, so why should we stop looking for her? Dad ignored me, so I reminded him that she came across time for him, that she loved him … and then he told me something that till this day I will never forget." Ryan's face hardened. Sarah frowned and studied him for a second.

"He looked me straight in the eye and told me "don't be naïve … they don't know love" then he tossed the picture into the dying camp fire. I saved the picture and told him he was insane and a quitter and that I didn't need him to find Mom. So he left me there that night and I didn't see him again for two more years." Ryan shook his head. Sarah didn't know what to think. There was a part of her that wouldn't believe that her son, the boy she loved more then anything she could ever want or have, could just simply leave his own flesh and blood in the wilderness. But then she knew that John had become obsessed like she had. John had found his three dots and there name was Cameron.

"Where did you go?" Sarah asked.

"I ran into some smugglers in Peru who made runs into Asia supplying Resistance units there. I made the trip with them on there ship, Picked up some back street fighting skills from the sailors. Then, chased some busted leads in China before ending up trapped in a Tibetan snow storm, where I was saved by a martial arts master named I-Chin. He taught me everything he knew about fighting. Then one day out of the blue while in the Goby I get a letter from a Kate saying that Dad was hurt and that he needed me. So I returned to the states. Took me a year to get back, but I eventually did. Turned out Dad had destroyed Skynet Central with the help of some half man half machine prototype named Marcus, who donated his heart to save Dads life. I also founded out that Dad had remarried some doctor named Kate. It pissed me off that I he could just forget about mom like that and move on. I was about to leave again when the liquid metal came back and took Kate with it. I was leaving when they pulled me back. But there was a difference this time … Dad didn't go after Kate like he did Mom. He ordered a search party, twelve soldiers and some how I got roped in as the scout. We chased the metal for three weeks and then for some reason, Kate ended up in the hands of steel. He raped and tortured her for months while we chased him and his thugs through three states until we found her mutilated hand off a cliff face." Ryan stopped there catching his breath for a second.

Sarah walked up to him and put both hands on his shoulders in her own way of telling him that he didn't need to say anymore. Ryan didn't turn to acknowledge her he just steadied his breath and closed his eyes. Sarah removed her hands and took a chair and sat next to Ryan.

Sarah had learned in watching Cameron with John that sometimes the best way to deal with a moody Connor is not to say anything, but to make it known that you are there, by being in close proximity. So Sarah sat close to Ryan, no stroking or whispering consoling reassurance, she simply sat and every once in a while stare at him.

"We buried Kate and her baby and went back home. I told Dad …" Ryan was no longer talking to Sarah. He was simply reliving the experiences with his own personal narration.

"How did he react?" Sarah asked. Ryan shook his head.

"He didn't, he went on business as usual … I think Kate was just a blur … a woman that he tried to romance to forget Mom, but he just couldn't. Mom was his one and only. When she was kidnapped, she took Dad's humanity with her." Ryan observed. Sarah once again related, after Kyle's death every man she was with became blurs, Blurs of payment Sex and training. Even Charlie in the end didn't quite matter to her. But there was one exception, Derek. He slowly weaved his way into her heart, the only thing that got in there way was the fact that he was Kyle's brother and it confused her. Was she in Love with Derek, or was she projecting Kyle on to him?

"I decided to stay on and enlist fully at Derek's urging. So I became a proud member of the 132nd." Ryan added with finality no longer wishing to continue. Sarah nodded; she gave a tired scratch to her ear.

Once again a knock graced the wooden door.

"Yeah!" Ryan said with an annoyed role of his eyes. The door opened and the statue esque blond from the other night entered the room.

"Captain, Colonel Perry is here and would like to see you, sir." The pretty woman reported quick and professional like, with a cold face. Ryan blinked wearily, and then nodded with a half hearted salute. The woman returned it crisply and left.

"You want me to come with you?" Sarah asked with what John dubbed Sarah's "Mommy voice". Ryan laughed out loud at her.

"Oh no, I think you've gotten both of us in trouble for one day." Ryan chuckled, standing up with a stretch. Sarah frowned at his comment standing up with him. Ryan walked over to his bag and pulled out the Army blanket and wrapped it around her. "Get some sleep … I know you need it just as much as I do." Ryan sighed shuffling toward the table and grabbing his gun belt, attaching it back to his hip. Sarah watched for a moment as she removed the blanket off her and folded it as she watched him go toward the door.

"Ryan …" Sarah called pursing him, tossing the blanket on the table.

"Yeah …" He stopped at the door and shot her a light hearted look. She wasn't sure how to do what she wanted or best way to approach it … but after his near death experience and his story. Sarah couldn't let him leave with out doing this.

Ryan looked at Sarah with anticipation, while she formulated how to approach him.

"Screw it"

Sarah walked up and wrapped him in a powerful hug, feeling the still cold worn leather give her goose bumps. After a beat Sarah felt his arms wrap around her waist and he buried his head in her long hair. After several moments they let go. Ryan cupped Sarah's cheeks with his hands and kissed her forehead.

"Thanks" Ryan smiled gratefully, and then went out the door. Sarah felt a smile grace her lips as she touched the table softly.

***

It had been an hour and still Ryan hadn't come back. So Sarah decided that she would get some sleep.

Taking the blanket off the table and a chair she went into the bedroom and got ready for bed. The mattress on the Cot was worn, but luckily still in good condition and surprisingly clean.

Sarah's tired mind wasn't all there as she sat in the chair and removed her boots and socks. She closed her eyes as the wooden floor of the home was warmed by the stove that had been going for several hours. She felt the last affects of self awareness leave her as she undid the clasp to her fatigue pants and shirt and skillfully slipped both of them off, folding them; she placed them on the chair. Setting herself down on the squishy soft mattress, she already felt sleep take her.

Laying down she pulled the blanket over her, feeling the material brush the sensitive skin on her bare legs. Turning over she stared out at the front door blinking rapidly before slipping away into sleep.

***

Ryan tiredly stumbled into the home. He was in a grim mood as the word spread of an immense Skynet attack the day after tomorrow. His Command once again would be placed in the forefront with out reinforcement.

A sense of sadness and hopelessness seemed to over take him as he sat in a chair in front of the map and stared at the area that represented the woods near the river that Company A would be defending the next night. He placed both elbows on the table and put his hands on his face as the woods looked just as dense on the map as it did in person. He tiredly sighed.

He turned toward the map and studied it several times. Ryan searched the topography and positions of the other units near the 132nd's. When an hour passed Ryan decided it was time to go to sleep.

With a creak he got up and walked into the small bedroom to find Sarah fast asleep. Ryan watched her covered chest rise and fall. Ryan slowly sat in the chair quietly and continued to watch Sarah sleep as thoughts of his and Cameron's conversation played in his head.

"She'll kill John Connor."

"You can stop her, before it happens."

Her innocent like voice echoed in his mind as the prospect of losing his father clashed with the overwhelming love he had for the sleeping woman in front of him. A strong sense of duty over took him.

"As an Officer in this Resistance and a Human … it's my duty to stop Skynet no matter what the cost." Ryan steeled himself as he pulled his chromed .45 out of its holster and slowly raised it, aiming in between Sarah's eyes.

A million thoughts collided in his head as he pulled the hammer back and touched the trigger.

Hesitation took him as he stared at Sarah's peaceful face. A Small content crossed her lips in her sleep. Ryan put pressure on the trigger.

"I love you" She breathed.

Closing his eyes he released the pressure on the trigger and slowly he lowered the chrome weapon.

"I just can't do it." Ryan shook his head and holstered his weapon. Suddenly Sarah stirred, opening her eyes slowly; she studied him for a moment.

"You just get back …?" She asked sleepily.

"No, an hour ago." He answered truthfully.

"How long have you been sitting there?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.

'Not long" he shook his head. He knew that his problems where plastered all over his face for her to see.

"Something wrong?" she asked sitting up in the bed covering her camisole clad chest with the blanket.

"Nothing that can be solved tonight." Ryan shrugged lowering his head. Sarah nodded in agreement and tilted it slightly.

You want to talk about it?" She asked maternally. Ryan just shook his head in response. After a moment Ryan looked up and motioned next to her.

"You, uh … you mind?" Ryan asked permission to lie down. Sarah shook her head.

She watched him remove his utility belt and Jacket. He quickly shed his boots and socks. Sarah observed that he smelled as if he had been Barbequing all day. However she watched with interest as he removed his black leather clove off his hand. She watched with a clenched stomach as he flexed his hand causing the servos and pistons to wire on the mostly banged hand.

He eventually climbed in next to her and got under the covers. Sarah felt awkward as she forgot to mention the state of undress she was in, but Ryan didn't seem to notice or care as he made himself comfortable. Sarah awkwardly slid back into a laying position as Ryan sighed.

"Look, I know this would generally be weird for both of us … but I haven't slept on a mattress in like five years. So to be blunt, you could be completely naked right now and I could careless as long as I got to sleep on this mattress right now." Ryan said with conviction like the only way to move him was to toss out his dead body. Sarah couldn't help but smile as she turned away from him.

After a moment Ryan placed a lazy arm around her. This wasn't uncommon as she had been sharing a Sleeping mat with him and it was a common occurrence that he would do to steal body warmth or just to have a protective arm around her to put his mind at ease. Sarah would admit it was a bit weird, but it wasn't meant to be Sexual or provocative, it was just something that people in the future did and truth be told It felt kind of nice and it made her feel somewhat secure.

Eventually Sarah drifted to sleep.

Ryan however was still awake. He felt Sarah's stomach go up and down under his hand with Cameron's words haunting every breath.

"One day love will blind you to your death."

In the semi lit room of the old Mexican house, Ryan could feel that time drawing near.

Alright so now we have it peeps.

You now know why Sarah is there and a little more about Ryan's back story.

I've hinted in several chapters that Ryan has known something and was withholding it from Sarah. This wasn't a retcon of the characters or the plot. This was the plan along.

It has been brought to my attention by my old man that drinking blood will not help dehydration. It will only help for starvation … but I not going to change it because it's there to make a point about Cameron's attitude toward Ryan.

I've hinted from several chapters that Ryan knows more then a fair share about martial arts.