Disclaimer
There once was a show about a tomato-y town,
Where resided nary a frown.
Though viewers thought forever it would last,
It fell into the past,
That I don't own it dost bring me down.
•
2. LIMERICK
Have a nice nap in her class? I took some notes for you, Pim, while you were using your notebook as a pillow.
A popular 19th Century form of poetry, the limerick is perhaps the poetic verse most closely associated with both light-hearted amusement and sexual innuendo. Often the latter is simply designated as a dirty limerick and favors introducing you to a girl from Nantucket. A five-lined poem, with first, second, and fifth lines rhyming utilizing three-syllable words, with lines three and four having their own rhyming scheme employing double-syllabled words. Modern interpretations oft settle for simply having lines 1, 2, 5 and 3, 4 rhyme without concern for their number of syllables.
Ms. Feinstein may be in a mood, though, because of what you did. I don't know what you were up all night doing, but you know nobody gets away with snoring Feinstein's class, don't you? Not that your snoring isn't the cutest nasal whistling that ever was! Say, why don't you scratch out a few limericks and see if she lets you off with time served? You might even find them fun.
·
My Family
There once was a family named Diffy,
whose Father said he'd fix their ride in a jiffy!
Though he is a smart man,
and does all that he can,
their return home is looking quite iffy.
˙'°º•º°'˙
·
}:^) BERWICK (^:{
What can I say of my good friend Deborah?
I fear for me the future she had in store-ah.
With iced cupcakes filling her own gray matter,
Berwick secretly was mad as a hatter.
Thank goodness she's now a puddle on the floor-ah.
};^D
·
•
Attack Squirrels
They're my battling rodents of the nocturnal,
(I suppose I sound a bit maternal.)
Though size they may lack,
When ordered to attack,
You'll soon face the question eternal.
~€7
·
My Brother
Sometimes I wish I was my brother Phil,
You know, the sibling I'd like to kill?
Though my parents think he's simply a saint,
while when it's me they just wanna faint.
He'd be dead now, but I'm not in his will.
~€7
·
I'm Beautiful
Oh, sure, you could go ask my Dad.
Go ask my Mom to make her glad.
Boyfriends, I've (sort of) had a few;
Bradley, Danny, Simon, too.
IWantStraightHair makes my blond locks rad!
~€7
·
Jake
Have you heard of a self-made man?
I can make one myself, I can, I can
He's really not so hard to train,
for he hasn't got any brain.
He met Candida and forgot the night's plan.
¸,.·:ˆ:·.,˛
·
Simon Buber
We could be the perfect pair,
I think of him and dance on air.
Simon's silent, sneaky, and sly without doubt,
He's so perfect, alike an evil boy scout.
If only he'd stop doing what's good and fair.
˙'°ºvº°'˙
·
Li'l D
Though I won't return his affections,
His admiration of me makes for fine reflections.
He's still not a good liar,
He doesn't set my blood afire,
Yet I'll gladly accept Danny's box of chocolaty confections.
-------K--{((ß
·
Snooger
It's not that I am against decent thinkerers.
They come in handy when schemes require tinkerers.
It's just that you're a nerd.
That's right, that's what you heard.
Stop looking love struck and no more of you joining the winkerers.
˙'°º•º°'˙
·
Bradley Benjamin Farmer
This dwarf is just out of luck.
To me, he's just a dumb smuck.
Though he's raised flour with me,
he's too blind to see,
too late; hey, I told him to "duck."
~€7
·
¸,.·:ˆ:·.,˛
Frank Rizzo
It's really quite appauhlin',
So it's time you I was a-callin'.
Of those germs you are so worried,
you need to forget them so you'll be hurried,
or your slow walkin' career will forever be a-stallin'.
·
·
Rat Snacks
Sticky, cheesy nutty-ness,
Filling my tum-tum will their crunchiness.
Though advertized for a rat,
I like them like that,
After all, Me and Mickey are really the chummy-ness.
~€7
·
'Neckbrace' Lana
There's a reporter I'd love to strangle,
If the proper scenario I could just wrangle.
Provide her enough rope,
and 'round her neck I do hope,
the coil would tighten -- nope, neckbrace -- she'd just dangle.
~€7
·
Jerry
At first glance, Jerry's quite scary.
With her crew in the halls, she'll make you wary.
From you she'll demand tomorrow's lunch,
be sure to pack her a bunch,
and don't you dare forget the dairy!
~€7
·
Helka the Hulka
Just because she thinks she's superior,
I want to knock her down on her Tusskanie posterior.
Never fret that I'll unseat her.
You'd be smart to bet money that I'll beat her.
Now for my motive -- obvious or ulterior?
~€7
·
Dodge Ball
Let me get this straight,
I can hurl this sphere at those I hate.
No detention, on essays, no repercussions?
I'll sign up without further discussions!
Whoever was champion better get ready to abdicate.
~€7
·
Back Timers
Back Timers, too, are people,
My parents tell me beside a steeple,
that these walking history lessons have wishes, dreams and money.
She says, "Darling, don't let ancestors worry you, Honey."
"But Mommy, I see dead people."
˙'°ºOº°'˙
·
Pickford
I suppose there are worse places to be stuck.
Pompeii, Krakotoa, WWII -- those are really bad luck.
We could have landed in old New England puritanical --
All my brother's fault in his lapse of the electromechanical.
But on a Saturday night without a date, this place still can suck.
~€7
·
Being Short
I planned it this way, you big Giraffe.
Though in 10th grade, at the movies, I still pay half.
Banging your head, it's no fun being tall,
but the very best part of being small:
I'll live longer than you beanpoles and get the last laugh.
~€7
·
My Mother
I've known her, oh, most of my life.
She is, I think, my father's wife.
Quiet, caring, and, gee, so wise.
The back of her head sports another set of eyes.
Why can't she just be a normal housewife?
~€7
·
Home
Just another four-lettered word?
Is that what you know or is that what you've heard?
Sideways it spells safe, warm, and love.
Home touches you without a kidglove.
An ordinary word? Don't be absurd.
~€7
·
Jerky (makes me gassy)
In my possession, they don't make it to lunch.
I love them so for snacking -- munch!
Dried strips of flesh, so very tasty.
Spicy, peppered, so they don't taste pasty.
Only problem is, I'm gassy by brunch.
~€7
·
Folk Music
Let me tell you about my pop.
He doesn't rock, or even hip-hop.
He sings songs about birds and dogs,
playing and drinking out of an old jug with frogs.
Is it any wonder I beg him to stop, Stop, STOP?
~€7
·
Love
Money, money, money and power,
Not a kid name Chuck made of flour.
I'm happy to give trouble makers a shove,
uh, of course, just in the service of those that I love.
(Did I mention my rates increase by the hour?)
~€7
·
Scary Movies
Creeping Crawlers, my mistake.
Spiders, scorpions and now a rattlesnake.
Curtis wanted to see something about rocks and stones,
Right now I'm frightened down to my anklebones.
Rock Ridge better not have an earthquake.
~€7
·
Curtis
He is caveman, don't be apologetic.
Though short of brains, he's quite athletic.
He hunts, he cooks, he loves stones.
He grunts and hollers on the phones.
Speak Ingrish now, Curtis -- don't be pathetic.
~€7
·
Vikings
They wore horned-helmets and never fled.
Their most famous were Thor and Eric the Red.
Oh, those boys knew how to fight,
Pillaging, pillaging, all day and all night.
What? No trip? But I already bought a helmet for my head!
~€7
·
Rain
Rain, rain, go away.
Where's the button to make it stray?
Wet and cold, unwanted really.
Just makes me ill, like Greenemia or Pheely.
Enough, dark clouds -- Now Amscray!
~€7
·
Hair Care
My hair, my hair, what shall I do?
At the store, only fifty different shampoos.
None of them using honey-scented Moon dust.
It's my trademark, my legend, my must.
What's a 22nd Century girl supposed to do?
~€7
·
Queen of the Ants
Worker, Soldier, Tiny Slave.
I'll step on you if you misbehave.
Wait on your queen, your goddess, your starry.
I'm the ruler of this kingdom in a jarry.
Ugh! Dad, easy on your aftershave!
~€7
·
It's What I Do (Making Phil Miserable)
You think I enjoy this instigation?
Torturing my brother is not a vacation.
He's just a guy needing to understand his place.
Blondie will thank me later with hugs, kisses, and lace.
Hmm ... why would I want her appreciation?
~€7
·
My Summer In The Country Trilogy
Thirty pages of unending fun,
Something, something, something -- now, I'm done?
Come on, Mom, so I broke a rule,
Remember when you were young and thought it cool?
Let's just share this hammock and catch some sun.
~€7
·
Our Principal
Officially, our principal's Tillywack,
A man lacking the educational knack,
To make it to school.
He knows it's the rule.
Come on, let's give him the sack!
~€7
·
It's Only Fair
If to school our Principal can't make it,
then why should students have to take it?
We all agree school us fails to amuse.
(No, I'm not just saying this to confuse.)
If I'm smiling it's just because I'm forced to fake it.
~€7
·
Hackett
There once was a lady not from Khartoum,
who didn't realize this dull man spelled her doom.
So she married this guy,
but then did she eye,
their marriage therapist and dumped her poor groom.
~€7
·
Tunnels
Running subsurface, throughout the hood,
Escape routes, exit strategies, ready if need them I should.
Exclusive highways dug undergroun',
I can pop up anywhere in this old town,
But cleaning them better, I wish my maid would.
~€7
·
My Family
My father's in charge or so you think.
Mom dishes out wisdom out by the kitchen sink.
My brother's okay with a plan if he's able.
Curtis? He's still just learning to use the table.
But I'm still the best at the power hoodwink.
~€7
·
Suckers
Buy one, buy a few!
If you don't, I can't help you!
Hand over your dollars, your plastic, your cash!
Sure, I'll hold your wallet -- no, I won't dash.
Hey, it's empty; I guess we're through.
•
·
My Bedroom
Don't call for help; don't make a scene,
Don't hold your breath or you'll go green.
Don't run away; you won't get far.
You came in my room; I'll get the tar.
Now, you'll discover what "or else" I mean.
~€7
·
Static Electricity
Shuffle and get a charge.
More and more, my charge must be large.
Electrons race about to and fro,
Enough for Candida, away I go.
Who me? No, I'm not smoking, Sarge Marge.
~€7
·
Fashion Zombies
These zombies really should get a life.
They exist merely to cause me strife.
Preening and quaffing, they all do so groom,
Why don't they fly off upon their broom?
I'll be revenged when Candida becomes a trophy wife.
~€7
·
My Brother's (YEECH) Girlfriend
There was a young lady Pickfordian,
whose idea of fun was Victorian.
While she was quite in fashion,
her clique-y world received a trashin',
When my brother's ride started up like an accordion.
~€7
·
SKOOL
These kid prisons are not Kool.
They're just a place for some to Rool.
Bullies, jocks, that kid with a knife,
this place is suppose to prepare me for real life?
I want to go back to the future, cuz I'm no Fool!
~€7
·
Cookin'
Mother dear, can't you get it through your head?
If we eat what you cook, we'll wind up dead.
Don't cry; it's not like we don't love you true,
It's just that you're a culinary miscue.
Of course, Dad won't admit it; he's sharing your bed.
•
·
Time
You tourists believe in temporal migrations.
So, my job is to repair time violations.
I'll show you your life as it never should be,
or erase you from history -- just wait and see.
Nothing personal, it's just regulations.
•
·
Maybe I'll Let Phil Live
As brothers go, he's not so sad.
Just a junior version of dear, old Dad.
Point of fact, on me, Phil doesn't fink.
How many big brothers are so tiny they bathe in the sink?
Besides, he distracts our parents from constantly seeing my bad.
.•º°'˙'°ºOº°'˙'°ºOº°'˙'°º•.