Chapter 24: Sarek

Spock was torn. Logically, he understood that there was little he could have done, having taken action, no matter how failed the outcome, a fair amount of time before he believed that it was too late.. However, logic also told him that there had to have been something he could have done, some avenue left untaken, that could have prevented his having to contact Sarek.

As with most of his decisions in regards to his father, Spock was always left feeling unsure and anxious.

It was another way that the man chose to remind him of his human heritage: That he suffered such emotions while in his presence.

Sarek of Vulcan was not an easy man to contact it was rumoured. It was only now that Spock had been forced to know the validity of that myth.

He had done so secretly, only telling a few of his men and leaving a few of them without knowledge of the mission. It was a private matter. Knowing how the Vulcans felt concerning Pon Farr, Spock's last intent was on making the subject public knowledge.

Moments before Sarek contacted him, Spock waited patiently in his darkened room, waiting for the precise moment his father's face would appear on the screen. He had never felt his nerves as on edge, never had been so strongly reminded that he was Half-Human and that he carried that weakness with him.

And part of him realized that this heightened sense of feeling was not normal even for him. The knowledge that Pon Farr was approaching even now gave no peace to the half-Vulcan but reminded him that time was running out.

As the screen that had been brought in secret to his room flashed to life and showed the image of his father, Spock slightly jerked. Feeling shame at the reaction, he looked quickly at Sarek and then to the ground.

His father had not changed since the last time he had seen him. Except for the pointed ears, the man could have been a statue made in Greece millenia ago. He possessed the sharp features and eyes made dark by a prominent brow. And like a statue he was cold and cast in stone. While the negation of feelings may have caused in another man a certain serenity this had not been the case with Sarek. There was no sense of calmness only a edged severity.

A thousand memories flashed through Spock's mind when he looked at his father. None of them brought anything to bring relief. There was no apathy only pain and regret.

No greeting was given and none was expected.

"Your message was received," Sarek spoke. "I do not understand why you could not have expected and accepted my response written or verbally."

Spock did not reply. He could not explain that he had hoped by seeing his son, Sarek would be more likely to help him. Even in his mind now, seeing his father before him, the idea seemed foolish.

"I wish to discuss with you a matter of great importance, Sarek."

"Proceed."

"Do you know what time is nearing?" Spock asked his voice straining to stay normal.

"Yes. I do"

The half-Vulcan hesitated for a moment before continuing. "Then you know why I have contacted you?" Irritation was building in Spock's heart and a certain shame that his father was intentionally letting him be the first to mention the reason.

"Yes," Sarek replied. "And I must admit to being slightly unsure of why you have contacted me over a matter you should have taken care of."

The Vulcan was a master of words. They were the weapons he most often used.

"I have tried," Spock answered. "I have asked in advance for leave from the Enterprise, but it was not granted."

"I am sure that the Empire has its reasons," the older Vulcan stated. "Why have you not secured a female onboard the ship?"

The thought was distateful to the First Officer but it had been explored and considered. For a short time the presence of Christine Chapel onboard had been a possiblity, no matter how unsatisfactory. When she had left, Spock had briefly sought out more information regarding aquiring companionship with one of Harry Mudd's women. In the end, Spock had decided against it. There was no safety in finding a female through a 'bussiness'. There was someone always coveting power in control of such operations and they would use the information against him, or worse against Vulcan. It was just another way to disgrace his father's people.

"I do not want to," Spock answered simply. "It would cause... problems."

Sarek seemed to accept the explanation.

"Is there any way that you could convince the Empire to..." Spock began to say but faltered as he saw the look in the other man's eyes.

"I will not," Sarek replied. "This is your problem. Correct me if I am wrong, Spock, but it was you who decided to serve on the Enterprise."

"Yes."

"And you knew what may happen, did you not? It would have been the first cause of concern."

Spock did not take his eyes from the screen, trying to conjure any strength that he could in the falseness of an act of courage. "Yes. As I have said, I tried to take the proper precautions, I did my best to ensure that it would not be a problem but I have not..."

"Been sucessful," Sarek finished the sentence. "I cannot do anything for you. It is in your hands completely."

As his father looked down suddenly, his son's eyes followed his vision. Spock had not been aware that his hands were trembling until Sarek had seen the fact. The First Officer, tried to stop them but could not.

"I must also remind you to be careful, Spock," Sarek met his son's eyes once again. "It is integral that the Empire does not, nor anyone outside of Vulcan, learn of Pon Farr."

"I understand," Spock said.

"I must go. I have spoken too long as it is," Sarek said. "I hope you find an alternative to the lack of sucess you have found in your other attempts."

Knowing that his final attempt had just failed as well, feeling even now the sting of Pon Farr, Spock felt desperation and he could not ignore it any longer. "Father," the Vulcan said and to his own ears he sounded too much like a child. He knew it was a plea even before he could stop it. He had used the word last years before, when Amanda had been alive and before he had understood that he should never remind Sarek of his relation to the human's son.

Sarek did not respond. There was no flicker of affection. The screen only went dark and Spock was left alone, staring into its void.