Chapter 25: Trust

"He just went crazy!" Sulu said. He was standing next to Spock while he explained the situation to the Captain. It had been an unexpected one for James T. Kirk to enter the bridge to find. Rarely did anyone find fault with the First Officer's methods. He punished those who needed to be punished and there were few protestations.

That was why Spock's attack on Sulu had been so peculiar.

"You did nothing to provoke him?" Kirk snapped.

Sulu opened his mouth to answer but the Vulcan spoke sooner. "No. He did not."

Kirk glared at his First Officer, having tired of watching a fat drop of blood make its slow progress from the gash above Sulu's left eye to his chin. "So why did you do it then?"

Spock stared at the Captain.

His patience wearing thin, Kirk just sighed. "All right. Back to your positions."

"You aren't going to do anything about it?" Sulu cried in outrage.

Kirk fixed him with a ruthless smile. "Yes. I'll do something about it. I'll tell you to see McCoy for that cut or else you'll have another ugly scar to deal with."

***

"There's something wrong with Spock."

"Yes, yes, yes… We've been over this before… You're the campaign manager of that movement, aren't you? So what is this? Pledge week? Are you going to try to sell me buttons next?"

Kirk was in a particularly sarcastic mood, McCoy realized as he walked with the man to the Bridge. The Doctor had made sure to approach the Captain sometime soon after having seen Sulu and heard the report of Spock's violence.

"I'm just saying that he's not acting right… Or like he usually does."

Kirk stopped, suddenly interested. "And why do you say that?"

The Doctor felt immediate guilt, as if in pointing out the fact to the Captain, a point he should have noticed already, he would cause unwanted attention to fall on Spock. No matter what his qualms with the Vulcan, McCoy did not want to betray him. He had the feeling that indiscretion would be the ultimate sin to the First Officer.

"It's just a feeling," the Doctor answered.

"Well don't bother yourself with feelings. Spock, sure as Hell, wouldn't," the man snapped. "Now I have real business to attend to."

McCoy didn't wait to watch Kirk disappear down the corridor but angrily turned and walked back to the Sickbay, all the while grumbling curses at not only the Captain but also himself for even thinking the man could be of some help. Kirk's mind was more concerned, medically speaking, with which new nurses would be found and what they would be wearing than the single welfare of anyone onboard the Enterprise be it Ensign or First Officer.

The older man understood though that this was a very dangerous attitude for James T. Kirk. He would be very hard pressed to find another Officer second in command that shared Spock's apparent lack of ambition.

Entering the Sickbay, McCoy was surprised to find Spock waiting for him. Perspiration was gleaming on the Vulcan's forehead, his skin an even more strikingly pallid tone than ever and there was a strange gleam to his eyes, something not nearly as cold and emotionless asSpock usually appeared.

"Spock…?" McCoy whispered.

He went to place a hand on Spock's shoulder only for it to meet air, the other man escaping the touch as if it was poison.

"Tell me what's wrong with you!" McCoy was close to shouting in his desperation. When no answer came he could no longer control his frustration. "Damn you, Spock!"

The First Officer looked at him. He was studying the human's expression hoping and searching for something there that the Doctor did not understand.

"Can I trust you?" Spock asked. His tone was soft, complete in its vulnerability, as if by giving his trust so many times before he could never be confident in anyone's promises but was now offering belief to McCoy as long as reassurance was given.

If he had asked any other question the Doctor would have responded immediately with the truth or a lie if needed. If Spock had asked if he loved him he would have given a half-truth. As it was, McCoy could not answer.

For the Doctor who constantly blamed himself for every death on the Starship on which he served, who agonized over each sin the Empire committed, feeling his own sins always lying hand in hand with them since he had joined it, he could not promise anything without insecurity seizing him. There was far too much self-loathing in him to do so. His past was an open wound he feared he was the cause of.

In the face of the silence between them, Spock reacted. Rage flashed in his eyes. He grabbed the Doctor by the neck, ramming the man into the Sickbay walls, which seemed to shudder from the force of the impact.

McCoy's first impulse was terror. However, this was soon replaced with pity, seeing the look of shame in Spock's eyes as he realized what he had done. The Vulcan let the Doctor drop to the floor and turned to leave. The fallen human's thoughts were not with himself, though he still felt the force of Spock's hands around his throat. This inevitably caused McCoy's cries out to the Vulcan to be gargled and weak. By the time he found his voice again it was too late: Spock was gone.

Quickly, McCoy rose to his feet. Staggering he ran to the door, exiting the Sickbay just in time to see the First Officer fleeing down the corridor.

"You can trust me! Spock!"

The Vulcan did not stop but continued on his path, acting as if the words were not heard or as useless as McCoy's pity.

***

Captain Kirk lay beside the sleeping form of his lover, eyes open and deep in thought.

The conversation he had had with McCoy replayed in his mind. The thread of a thought, one originated by Spock's earlier request for a momentary leave of absence from the Enterprise, returned now, no longer pushed aside for more physical pleasures.

The Doctor had been right. Spock was not himself. For one thing, the usually adept First Officer had been lousy in regards to the Empire's request of discussions with the Plakavoids. His attention had drifted more than once and Kirk had been left to handle most of the negotiations himself. There was also the Vulcan's assault on Sulu earlier.

Curiosity piqued, Kirk left the sleeping Marlena to go to the Tantalus Field.

Entering the information, Kirk looked without censor into the Vulcan's room.

It was empty. Kirk waited for a while before returning to his bed, bored by the lack of action and interest the vacant room held. The room's lonely state did not change, remaining stubbornly empty the next time Kirk looked and every time following that as well.