Rachel Berry was kissing Noah Puckerman.
On the lips.
In the hallway at school.
In front of several classmates.
If Rachel wasn't one of the two people doing the kissing, she might not believe this weird twist of fate herself.
Before school, Rachel and Puck had agreed that kissing was going to be a necessary part of their plan. Pretending to be hormone-crazed teenagers who were suddenly hot for each other could help provide a plausible explanation for their relationship. Besides, Quinn and Finn were not going to be jealous unless they saw some real action.
Admittedly, Rachel froze when Puck announced that Finn and Quinn were walking towards them. Saying you were going to kiss the school's resident bad-boy was different than actually doing it.
Rachel's lips weren't frozen now. As far as stage kisses went, Rachel thought that this one was acceptable. Puck was abiding to the no tongue rule so the kiss wasn't too wet. Puck expertly knew how to angle his head and open his mouth an appropriate amount, probably from years of practice Rachel surmised. Since Rachel's eyes were closed, she had no idea where Finn and Quinn were. She was very anxious to see their reactions, but waited for Puck to make the next move.
*******
Puck could practically feel Rachel thinking through her lips. Her movements seemed stiff and somewhat planned out. Puck imagined that Rachel's thoughts included something like— kiss for three seconds and then turn head 45 degrees to the right.
When kissing, Puck liked to move based on instinct. So far, he hadn't had any complaints about his technique. While Rachel wasn't his first choice of partners, Puck thought he could teach her a thing or two about making out. He grabbed both sides of her face so that she couldn't turn her head every five seconds. He opened his mouth and pushed at Rachel's bottom lip until she opened hers a bit too.
Much better.
Puck decided that kissing Rachel Berry wasn't so bad. Besides, anything that got her to stop talking for a few minutes was a good thing.
Puck opened his eyes a bit to see if their intended targets had witnessed him kissing Rachel. He saw Quinn and Finn standing a little ways away with their mouths hanging open. Puck was pleased and pulled Rachel even closer.
********
Finn was confused. He couldn't believe that he was seeing Puck kiss Rachel, his Rachel, in the hallway. At first, he thought that it must be some kind of trick of light or that maybe Puck was performing a life-saving procedure. But those moves didn't look like anything that was taught in the CPR section of health class. If anything, Puck was stealing Rachel's air…not giving her some.
Finn didn't know what was going on, but he did know one thing…Puck was dead meat.
********
That little freak, Quinn thought to herself when she saw Rachel sucking face with Puck.
It was bad enough that Rachel openly admitted to having feelings for Finn—the supposed father of Quinn's baby, but now she was going after Puck—the real father of her baby.
Quinn knew that Rachel wasn't aware of that slight genetic detail, but Puck certainly was.
Quinn was furious with Puck. How dare he! It was bad enough that he got her pregnant, but now he was hooking up with Rachel when he knew how Quinn felt about her.
Not to be outdone, Quinn grabbed Finn's arm and pulled him toward the lockers a few feet behind the Rachel and Puck puke-fest.
"What are you doing?" Finn asked.
"I want you to kiss me."
"Right here?"
"Shut up and do it."
Before Finn could respond, Quinn reached up and pulled Finn's face down on top of hers. She started moaning, so as to give the impression that this was the best kiss she had ever gotten.
That'll show them, she thought as she continued to maul Finn.
********
Rachel's eyes had remained closed until she heard what sounded like a cat attacking someone. Turns out, it was just Quinn attacking Finn with her face.
Rachel was disgusted. That Quinn was a real piece of work.
Rachel was not going to have her performance upstaged by the likes of her. She had to throw the rulebook out the window.
Rachel broke off her kiss with Puck and whispered urgently, "Grab my ass."
"What?" Puck thought for sure that he needed to get his hearing checked.
Rachel nodded to the couple that was making out behind them.
"I am not going to let her win, so I want you to grab my ass. While you're at it, you can stick your tongue in my mouth."
Puck hesitated, somehow convinced that this was a trick.
"Just this once, you can forget about our prior agreement. Do it!" Rachel commanded.
Puck felt like he was in an episode of the Twilight Zone. But he was a teenage boy after all…
He mashed his face against Rachel's and promptly inserted his tongue. He wrapped his arms around her, and let his hands drift lower, to the middle of her back, and then to the small of her back, and then…
TWEET!!!!!!!!
All four teens jumped apart when they heard a short, loud blast of a whistle.
Sue Sylvester was standing behind both couples with a whistle hanging out of her mouth. She grabbed the whistle with one hand while giving the kids a look of utter disgust.
"Hey children, this is a place of learning not fornicating."
The other students in the hallway quickly moved away so that Puck, Rachel, Finn, and Quinn had no one else to take the attention off of them.
"This behavior is deplorable and physically sickening. I feel my stomach churning with revulsion, and that t-bone steak I had for breakfast."
Sue paced the hallway while saying, "I don't blame you completely. It's a failure of public school education really. When I was in high school, almost ten years ago, I was learning about geography and sewing. After school, I had chores to do…like feeding the chickens or milking the cows. I didn't have any free-time to get myself into trouble. There was no television or rap music, so in the evenings I amused myself by whittling small woodland creatures with a sharp knife and then making them fight each other."
Sue inched closer to the students who reflexively tried to inch back.
"You kids today have it so hard."
"Always struggling to find and express yourselves through crazy clothing or hairstyles." Sue gestured to Puck, "I mean look at you. You look like you had a fight with a lawn mower and lost." Puck rubbed his hand over his head, and had a slight hurt look on his face.
Sue moved on to Finn. "And look at you, it must be tough going through the day with an undiagnosed mental deficiency. Make sure you wear a helmet during every football game, I'm not sure how many more of those brain cells you can afford to lose."
"And you Q, or should I say teenage mommy. It must be hard being just another small town statistic. So much wasted potential."
Sue walked over to Rachel, and looked her up and down. She took in her yellow rain boots, her white ruffled top, and plaid skirt, and said, "I don't even know what to say, it must be hard waking up to this every morning."
Sue stepped back.
"I feel for you children, I really do. But that does not mean that I can idly sit by and watch while you infest these hallways with stds."
Sue nodded to Puck and Finn, "What class do you have first period?"
"I usually spend first period with the nurse." Puck said.
"I knew she was a slut," Sue muttered.
"I have Spanish with Mr. Schu," Finn responded.
"Oh good, I was afraid you might have a real class. Because of your behavior, I want you boys to give me ten laps on the track right now."
"But it's raining outside," Puck argued.
"Then I suggest you run quickly. Maybe if you move fast enough, you can dart between the raindrops." Sue laughed to herself. "I myself like walking in the rain…it invigorates the soul and the pores…keeps me young looking."
Puck and Finn shared a look that suggested they couldn't believe this was really happening.
"I said move. Move! Move! Move!" Sue brought the whistle back to her lips and blew short blasts until both boys ran towards the doors.
"As for you ladies, I think some time spent in afternoon detention will help you learn more about self respect. I've been engaged in a love quadrangle myself a time or two."
Sue leaned close and whispered, "Let me give you girls some advice. Boys won't buy the cow if you give them the milk for free. I know, I used to work on a dairy farm."
Rachel and Quinn scurried away, going in opposite directions down the hallway.
Sue took in a deep breath and said, " I love the smell of discipline in the morning."