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Whitlock slash whore-thank u so much for being an amzing beta you really do a great job!

I don't own anything twilight!

Chapter 2

Edwards past: Part 2

I got up shortly after Bella left, feeling completely anxious. I thought that when she muttered those words to me I would feel relieved, but right now, all I could feel was anxiety. I honestly didn't think Bella wanted to do this. She had a week to think about it and didn't change her mind in the least.

What had changed? I was afraid the things I said to her had changed her mind. How could I have been so stupid?

Nothing seemed right. I finally gave in to my feelings and found my phone to call her. There's no way could she already be there. I pushed her speed dial number.

It rang.... and rang …. Finally went to voice mail.

What the Fuck? I was shaking with an unknown feeling. It was as if all of a sudden I had a sixth sense. Everything about this morning was wrong. The look in her eyes was detached. Bella's eyes were never detached; her emotions were always on the surface. And that kiss. Something was so wrong. I could feel it in my bones. I tried her cell again, only to be greeted with her voice mail. I finally left one, asking her to please call me back, it was urgent. I did not know what to do. I couldn't imagine just sitting here doing nothing. She had left about an hour and a half ago. That was plenty of time to get there, wasn't it?

At my ropes end, I tried her cell again.

"Hello, Bella's phone." The voice said

"Wait; Angela?" Was she so scared to talk to me that she put Angela on? What was happening?

"Yep it's me; Hey Edward, Bella left her phone in my car after I dropped her off at the book store, about ten minutes ago."

"Can you go back? It's urgent I talk to her. Please Ang?" Angela and her boyfriend Ben were our closet friends. We always had connected well with them, because they had been together since freshman year as well and didn't really get into the partying scene of high school.

"Edward I really wish I could but I'm already at work. My shift starts at ten. But she told me to pick her up when I get off at two. So I'll make sure to give her phone back and have her call you."

"Thanks Ang." I said, defeated.

"No problem. Bye." And with the click of the phone, my last chance was gone. I didn't know what I could do. Could I seriously just wait around until four? I didn't want Bella to do something she didn't want. And I knew that she didn't want an abortion. I didn't know what could have changed her mind or what I was supposed to do now. I attempted to call the clinic, but they said it was a breach of patient confidentiality to tell someone who wasn't related if she was there. I hung up, completely at a loss as of what to do. I should have made her let me go with her.

I should have never asked her to get it in the first place. I should have expressed that no matter what I thought about this, above all, I loved her. I'd walk through hell to have her. Dartmouth meant nothing without her. Life meant nothing without her.

I knew I was being over-dramatic, but deep down I knew something was brewing that would alter everything forever. I started to think about what life would be like if we actually had a child. I couldn't imagine it. I couldn't even begin to understand any of it. But Bella did. A few days after we found out, I caught Bella rubbing her stomach. At first, I thought she had a stomachache or something, but she had such an odd look on her face. I now could identify that look as love. After just receiving the knowledge of it being there, she loved it. Bella loved everyone. Everyone had good in them. She saw the world with such innocence and greatness, where I saw the world half-empty. There was always bad in people. I didn't know how I could be so fucking dumb. How could I have said those things? She saw the good in our situation; I only saw the bad.

I got up, threw on some clothes and went out my door. I was going to try like hell to get to her. I knew I was most likely too late. I passed my mom and sister in the kitchen, eating breakfast. They glanced my way and took in my exasperated appearance. They stopped eating and began staring at me. A flicker of knowledge went through Alice's face.

"Um...Mom, I forgot Edward asked me to go to breakfast with him this morning. You know... Sibling bonding and all." She gave a nervous chuckle.

"Oh okay, I'll just do that little bit of gardening by myself. Have fun you two." She gave another worried glance in my direction before waving us off. Alice was in cut offs and an old shirt. Something I'm sure she did not intend to wear out.

"You don't have to do this, Al," I turned to her in front of our door.

"First of all, I actually have no idea what the hell I'm doing. And second, I'm your sister. I know this whole family thinks I'm a complete fuck up, but I love you and I'm going to help you with whatever it is were in a hurry to do at ten in morning." She finished her speech with a step in front of me to open the door.

Alice didn't ask any questions for once. She simply found soothing songs on my iPod and stared straight ahead. I knew she did that to let me know that whatever was happening, that she was along for the ride. I thanked God for such a blessing.

I sped like nobody's business on the way there. We made it in less than hour. I realized once I went though the city limits sign that I didn't get a damn address on the place. I called information quickly to get the address, which made Alice look at me with a look of understanding. The clinic was on the other side of town. Port Angeles wasn't large, but it still would take considerable amount of time to get there. I ran red lights and cut people off. I got the bird probably fifty times, which Alice colorfully stuck right back out window. Leave it to her to be feisty.

We made it to the clinic, finally. I ran into the waiting room with Alice trailing behind me, her tiny legs trying desperately to keep up with my long ones. We hit the waiting room, and I scanned the crowded area for a familiar head of mahogany hair.

I didn't see her anywhere. I turned my attention to the front desk and started walking. Alice grabbed my arm. She shook her head fiercely and sent me a look that said 'let me do the talking, you look like a crazy person'. I nodded and threw my hands in the air. I didn't know how any of this became her business, but I admit I was thankful. Alice squared her shoulders and walked up to the front desk with confidence.

"Hi, I'm supposed to be picking Bella Swan up from her appointment. Can you please see when she will be done?" she asked in a pleasant voice. The receptionist did some typing on the computer with an annoyed expression.

"It says Miss. Swan has already left from her appointment." She sent Alice a suspicious glare.

"Oh...well when exactly did she leave?" Alice said, looking completely cool while I nervously ran my hands threw my hair. The receptionist deep sighed, and grabbed her phone and turned away from us. She mumbled a little over the phone then hung up and looked back at Alice once again.

"She left twenty minutes ago. Is there anything else?" she rolled her eyes. My god, this woman was rude.

"No, that's all" Alice turned to me with a detached expression, that clearly said "what now?" I felt the air leave my lungs. I crouched down and stuck my head in between my legs. I was too late.

After I collected myself to not collapse on to the waiting room floor, I decided the next step of action should be to go to where Angela worked. It was just about a block away.

We walked there to avoid the traffic. I thought for sure she'd be there, because she told me she'd be back at four and Angela said she was done at two. This meant Bella had planned on waiting until she got off. But when I entered the small restaurant, I could once again not find her anywhere. Alice went up to the host booth, to ask if we could see Angela. I looked in the two dining rooms. I even ventured into the ladies bathroom. She wasn't anywhere. Alice was waiting at the front of the restaurant with a horrible expression. I half-assed ran to her.

"What's going on?" I asked hurriedly

"The hostess said that Angela left with another girl about fifteen minutes ago. And she said the reason she left was because the girl came in crying hysterically, so the manager let her go." She turned her big pale blue eyes on mine.

I swallowed deeply, taking in what this meant. I nodded my head and headed out the door. I walked like a zombie. I knew that I had made a terrible mistake in telling Bella I didn't want to have it. She wanted it, and what mattered most was her happiness, not my own.

When we found the car, I contemplated letting Alice drive. I was ready to cry and curl up in a ball from the emotional exhaustion. But then I remembered Alice wasn't even sixteen yet. And my fathers face after there first driving lesson showed that she was not very good.

I climbed in my car and I could still smell the faintest hint of strawberries. Bella always would spray her body splash on before we went somewhere. Much to my chagrin. I remembered her doing it to annoy me a few weeks ago, spraying it everywhere. I'd do anything to see her smile again. All I could draw up in my mind was the look she had on her face when she left this morning. Completely void of emotion, completely without my Bella.

I drove slowly back to Forks. I knew that I was avoiding the aftermath of the incident. But I didn't want to see her eyes again like that. What if, because of me, I made her make the worst decision of her life? How could I ever live with myself?

Alice never spoke, I knew she didn't want to offer me empty apologies, or even try to understand what was going on. Because she couldn't, she was too young and immature to grasp the severity of this event. But once again, she knew that, so she sat silently, staring out the window.

When I crossed the city lines into Forks, I tried Bella's cell again. Now it didn't ring. It went straight to voice mail, signaling that she turned it off. It hurt me that she go to such extremes to avoid me. I tried to stop her this morning but she wouldn't listen. I guess I should have tried harder. I decided to drive by her house and see if her truck was there. But what I found was her house dark and untouched. Charlie wasn't home from work yet either.

With a feeling of acceptance of the day's happenings, I made my way home. I wondered if maybe Bella went there like she sad said, but something in me doubted it. I couldn't help but be disappointed when the driveway turned up to be empty. I parked the car, turned it off, and just looked straight ahead. All the feeling of hope had left me. I knew something significant was waiting. But I could hardly make myself get out of the car. Alice tapped me on the knee and let me be, climbing out and unlocking the front door. I sat in there for I don't know how long. There was a light breeze despite the fact that it was almost June. I felt myself chilling in my summer shorts. The feeling was welcome. I tried Bella's phone once again, to only be greeted with voice mail for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Bella, it's me" I choked on the end, finally letting the hysteria of the situation settle over me. "I'm… uh, really starting to worry, please call me." I sucked in a large breath. "I don't know what else to say. I love you." I hung the phone up and laid it my lap. After about another fifteen minutes of wallowing in my own pity, I made my way out of the car and into the house. The last thing I wanted was my parents coming home to there son crying in his car.

When I went into the house, I could hear Alice in the kitchen talking in the phone to someone. I didn't listen long enough to find out whom. I just went into my room, locked the door and collapsed onto the bed. I didn't even turn my light on, so I didn't notice the piece of paper folded neatly on my bed. I picked it up in confusion. I went to my desk and turned on the lamp, to find my name written on an envelope in familiar messy handwriting. My heart stopped as I looked on to the letter. I had no idea what this meant. My hands were shaking as I opened the seal and my eyes fell upon her script.

Edward,

I know by now that your probably worried sick about me. I want you to know that I'm fine. Well, I wouldn't say fine, but nothing is physically wrong with me. Emotionally is another story. You need to know that I went through with the procedure. You have nothing to worry about. I know you were right that it would have ended our lives. With that, I am in such a place I can't even think of going to college. Or doing much of anything.....

I need to go away for a while. Actually I don't know how long is awhile, if it's not forever. I don't want to hurt you, but it seems inevitable given the situation. I can't stand to live along with life as if none of this ever happened. And if I had arrived back at your house at four, that's what I would've been doing. I would have been dismissing the fact that you and I, together made a life, and I destroyed it. I know that the choice I made was the right one, but I have to live with the consequences and I don't want you to.

Please understand that I don't blame you, that I will always love you. You will always be my heart. But I need to process where I am emotionally and I want you to have everything you have always planned on without me bringing you down. I want you to go and be an amazing doctor. I want you to have all in life that you want. I wish that I could just put this behind me and go on with life. But I can't, because this is something I can never just brush to the side. I know your thinking that I'm being irrational and your probably right, but now I don't know how to feel. And you don't need an emotionally wrecked person following you across the country. I wish things were different, but they aren't.

I want you to remember everything before all of this happened. What we were like as children and teenagers. Every touch, every kiss we shared. I want you to know I'll never stop loving you, but I can't stay and not accept what my actions did to me. This isn't your fault, it is just the consequence of us not doing things right. I need to figure out who I am now, because I have definitely changed. Please, please, don't blame yourself. You will keep me going everyday. I'll remember your eyes and the fierce green that they would turn when you were passionate about something...or when you were looking at me. I love you so much. And I know that you should have the life that you were meant for. Even if that means I don't get to be there to see you through. Please, Edward, don't take the blame. I'm not who I was two weeks ago, and I need to find out what that means alone. I'm sorry I didn't tell you in person, but I knew that if I saw you, there would be no leaving. I'd fall into your arms even more of a mess, because even though I love you more than words can describe, you will always remind me of what I lost. I know that without a doubt, our love is unbreakable and I'll never find someone like you again. But I want you to have everything in life, and I'm not sure if I'm the one for you any longer.

I hope life brings you wonderful things. I love you.

Forever and always

Bella

I stared paralyzed looking at the letter. I could feel the hot pricking tears beginning to well up in my eyes. But I couldn't look away. I couldn't help but see my entire life flash before my eyes. Because no matter what I had imagined before, it always had Bella in it. I placed the piece of paper back on my bed, and curled around it in the fetal position. She was in my room maybe twenty minutes before I was. I had missed her, I had missed everything. I'd never know what life as a father would be like. I'd never know what Bella would look like in her wedding dress. We'd never have a wedding day. What I failed to make Bella see was that life was nothing without her.

I wanted to crawl into a dark space and never resurface. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare. I realized in that moment that I'd take twenty kids to have her back. I smelt my sheets and I could still faintly smell her on them. I didn't know what I'd do when I couldn't anymore. It felt like her scent was everywhere Bella was the essence of everything good in my life. I think I heard somebody saying my name but I didn't want to look. I didn't care that I was crying a pool of wet tears on my mattress what I cared about was the note I was clasping too. I cared about the fact that this was the last things she said to me. And it was my entire fault...everything.