I don't own Ashes to Ashes
---
Gene carried her over to the bed a while later, tucking them both beneath the covers with his arms wrapped timidly around her, still cared that she might cry out in pain or shove him away. He could feel sleep tugging at his eyes, and despite wanting to fight it, despite being scared of what his sleeping form might allow him to do, he could feel his eyes drooping, and he fell into the abyss of darkness as he gave way to sleeps irresistible pull.
----
When Alex awoke, it was dark, and the space beside her where Gene should have been was empty. Looking around, she found him hunched over in the wicker chair in the corner, cigarette glowing bright in the darkness and a glass of whiskey clenched in his other hand. He was watching her, and though the room was dark, she could see the emotion in his eyes reflected in the half-light, saw the fear, the guilt and the grief all combined in their depths, and she wanted nothing more than to hold him, lay him down on the bed and stroke away the lines of guilt that littered his worn face.
She didn't; instead she simply tucked her knees up to her chest and looking at him levelly, waiting for him to say or do something. He made no move, except to take a long drag on his cigarette and finish the rest of his whiskey, and eventually –inevitably, even- it was Alex that gave in to her emotions, padding quickly and silently into the bathroom to pull on her clothes before sitting herself back on the bed, hoping that her more modest clothing might somehow encourage him to reach for her- it didn't.
"Come here, Gene," she murmured softly, stretching a hand towards him. Gene did nothing, still staring at her with a broken expression on his face, taking another drag on his cigarette in the dark. She waited for a response, and when none came, she sighed, dropping her hand to her lap and biting on her lip slightly. "Gene, I'm not angry with you for before..."
"Didn't say you were, Bolly," he murmured, the returned use of her nickname causing her to flinch slightly. His gaze was averted now, resting, not on her eyes as before, but on the curve of her lips, trying to make out the bruise in the darkness, to convince himself to stay away from her... But in the dim light there was nothing, no sign of redness, no way of seeing the pain he'd inflicted upon her, and he didn't dare to move.
"What are you scared of, Gene?" she whispered, slipping from the bed and walking forwards to stand before him, not touching, but still breaching his personal space.
A moment later, Gene had stood up, looking down at her with darkened eyes, refusing to touch her, but bringing his face close enough that she could feel his breath on her face. "How much can you take, Alex?" He rasped, voice throaty and dangerous. "How much do I need to hurt you before you realize that I'm no good for you, that every time I'm angry it'll be you that gets the brunt of it?"
Alex looked at him levelly, her eyes unblinking as she whispered, "How many times do I need to tell you, you're not the beast you think you are?"
For a while he just stared at her, stared as though he could see nothing else but the hazel of her eyes and curls of her hair, and then his hands were on her cheek, softly stroking the tender skin around her mouth as he spoke again. "You don't understand, Alex," he murmured, leaning forward to trail the tip of his nose up the side of her neck, then up her cheek to her forehead, where he pressed his lips lightly above her eyebrow. He breathed her in, agonized by her scent, by the knowledge of what he had done to her... "I'm meant to look after you," he murmured, eyes closed and resting his forehead against hers, "but I can't even protect you from me."
"I don't need you to protect me," Alex said quietly. "I just need you to let me in... let me help you."
Gene pulled back, cupping the back of her head with shaking hands as he murmured, "you're more inside my head than you know, Alex; you have been for bloody ages and it fucking terrifies me!"
Alex slid her hand to his cheek, thumb teasing across his lips. "Talk to me," she implored softly, "tell me why."
He looked at her, saw the raw emotion in her eyes, the unshakeable devotion and the gentle sympathy, and before he knew what had happened he caved, leading her to the bed and laying them both down, his arms around her as he spoke.
---
"It scares the shit out of me, Alex," he said in a soft voice, but Alex could detect a steely hint of anger in his tone, even as his gentle fingers began caressing the line of her neck. "I shouldn't need you the way I do- I shouldn't have to be with you just so I can get a fucking break from everything else, but I can't help it..." He took a deep breath, fingers tangling into her hair before he went on.
"I've lost everyone else, Alex," he whispered, "Sam, Stu, now me Mam... You're all I've got left, and I'm already ballsing it up."
Alex slid closer, tracing the shell of his ear with her fingertips. "No, you're not, Gene; you'd have to do alot more than lose control in bed to get rid of me."
"You keep acting like I didn't hurt you," Gene said, his voice pained as he looked away from her, and she could hear his teeth grinding as she shook her head in protest, voice soft.
"I'm not pretending at all; it hurt, Gene, I'm not denying that... But did you mean it to?"
Anguish hung from every word as he retorted, voice desperate and pleading, "Alex, does it look like I'm enjoying this? Do you really need to ask me if I-?"
She stopped him, pressing a finger to his lips and shaking her head. "I know you didn't, Gene; so just forgive yourself, please... I can't help you if you try and block me out."
Arms around her waist, Gene hugged her to him, pressing a hard kiss to her cheek before whispering quietly, "I won't."
---
They slept into the early hours of the morning, and though he awoke a few times, Alex's soothing warmth kept him grounded, and he soon slipped back into slumber, his arms wrapped tightly around her body as he clung to the comfort she offered.
When they left the Motel at eleven, Gene slipped a hand into hers, squeezing lightly and trying to say with his eyes just how grateful he was that she was there. He assumed, from the warm way in which she returned his smile, that she understood, and as she moved to start the engine, he took the opportunity to lean over, tilt her head upwards and caress her lips lightly with his own for the first time in over a day, a soft sigh leaving his mouth as he did so.
It was brief and gentle, but even as he drew away Alex could see the shadows in his eyes lighten ever so slightly. As she started the car, his arm slid around to drape across the back of her seat, fingers brushing the top of her arm as he rested his head back, eyes closed peacefully as he breathed deeply. She briefly reached over to stroke his cheek with the tips of his fingers, then turned the car around and headed back to Maddie's house.
---
Fitz bounded towards them the moment they stepped through the door, leaping up to place his paws on Gene's chest as he walked into the living room. For a moment, she worried that Gene was still too enveloped in grief to respond, that he might shun the dog aside, but then he was snorting with laughter, causing a smile to stretch across Alex's lips as he struggled to catch the dogs flailing paws in his hand. Fitz swiped a long, wet tongue across Gene's cheek, then pounced to the other side of the room, belly flat on the ground whilst his rear end stuck in the air, his tail wagging so hard that it became a blur. A deep, warm sound of amusement rose from Gene's chest, and when Alex looked round at him again he was grinning, face splitting into a happy, if somewhat reluctant smile as he knelt down to call the dog towards him.
Sinking into the sofa, her legs curled up beneath her, Alex bit her lip to stifle her own delight, watching as Gene teased Fitz with the tennis ball, laughing when the dog barrelled into him and knocked Gene flat on his back, completely vulnerable to the dogs excited nuzzling and licking, guffawing as he attempted to push the dog away. In that moment of joviality, Alex saw thirty years fall away from his face, and her heart swelled with warmth at the sight of him, aching to see that happiness again and again, over and over... As she watched, Gene finally pushed the excited dog off his chest, tickling the large dog's underbelly and growling playfully as Fitz yapped in joyous response.
When he looked up, he met Alex's eyes, stopping in his tracks at the sight of her tearful smile, instantly sitting up, hand still scratching Fitz's back while the other beckoned her over. She hesitated, but a moment later she was sat opposite him, with Fitz stretched out between their knees, his legs held high as he shamelessly displayed his belly, asking for their attention and looking from Gene to Alex with his tongue dangling from his mouth. Gene grinned, rubbing and scratching at the dogs' tummy whilst Alex stroked beneath his chin, laughing when Fitz playfully licked at her fingers and closed his mouth softly around her wrist.
When she looked up, Gene's eyes were misty on hers, a soft smile playing across his mouth as she nervously bit at her lip. She stopped, vaguely noticing as Fitz released her hand and as, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fitz flip to his feet in indignation, now butting his head against Gene's arm in a demand for attention. She saw Gene lift his elbow, saw Fitz wriggle his way beneath it and lick playfully at Gene's face, but he didn't seem fazed, barely even glancing away from Alex as his hand rubbed into the hounds' chest. The seconds ticked by, with Fitz sprawling himself defiantly at Gene's feet, before the smile on Gene's face became a grin of mischief, hands darting to Alex's waist and tickling her mercilessly, her shrieks of laughter echoing around the living room as Gene pinned her to the floor, his throaty chuckle like music to her ears as she giggled and writhed at his touch, his hands finding the backs of her knees and her sides as she tried in vain to push him away. Fitz leapt on top of Gene's back, eliciting a brief grunt before he went on teasing Alex without mercy, the excitable dog yapping gleefully in his ear.
Eventually, after much protest and having left Alex shrieking without noise, Gene relented from his torment, laughing as he lay above her, one arm thrown over her waist whilst the other supported his head as he looked down at her, a look of complete amusement on his face.
"I've never seen you laugh so much," Alex said, reaching out to caress his cheek, her own face flushed with laughter as he smiled down at her.
"I don't think I ever have... not since I was a kid, anyway." There was a brief moment of sadness, before he pressed a kiss to her fingertips, briefly looking up as Fitz fought for his attentions, cold nose pushing into his ear and causing him to grimace. Alex laughed, tugging gently at Gene's shirt until he lay down beside her, dislodging Fitz from his back as he settled onto the carpet, his face resting alongside Alex's as his arm slid underneath her, pulling her into his side.
"Gene?" Alex murmured, slipping her arm across his chest and looking up to meet his eyes. He stroked her cheek softly, dipping his head to press a light kiss to her cheek.
"Mmm?" He murmured softly, settling down once more as he turned on his side towards her.
"Tell me about your mother..." she said quietly, sliding her hand beneath his shirt and rubbing soft circles into his spine.
Hesitantly, Gene looked at her, seeing her quirk her lips slightly before he asked, his voice gentle and quiet, "What d'you want to know?"
Alex shrugged, smiling softly at him. "Anything... whatever you want to tell me."
Gene smiled.
---
He didn't know where to start, but somehow it tumbled from his mouth openly, as though he had been keeping it all locked away and it had finally found a way of escape... and in a way, he realized that it had.
He told Alex about the time he and his mother had walked to the park to feed the ducks, only to forget the bread and return to the house in laughter.
He told her how once, when his father was drunk in the kitchen, he, Stu and Maddie had sat in the living room playing a game of Cheat, only for his mother to ask, in the middle of the game, exactly what she should do when her cards didn't fit.
He told her about the time he had visited her after work one evening, having received a tempting offer of tea and cake, only to arrive to find the kitchen in disarray, a blackened brick which might once have passed for sponge cake placed on the table, and a cup of hot water because the corner store had run out of teabags.
He told her how when they were younger, Maddie would take he and Stu up to bed and read them bedtime stories from a book she had kept since her own youth, putting on all the silly voices and exaggerating lines until the two boys had fallen about laughing, even once Stu had reached the age of ten and by all rights outgrown fairy stories.
He told her how once, in the dead of night, when he had awoken with a nightmare and been scared to enter his father's bedroom, Maddie had sat with him on the sofa, stroking his hair and rocking him to sleep while singing him soft lullaby's.
He told her how when his marriage fell to pieces, it was Maddie who convinced him to start afresh, who supported him when he accepted the transfer to London, and how it was Maddie that kissed him goodbye as he got in the car to embark on his new life.
When he was finished, he was shaking with grief, but somehow the bitter pain that had inhabited his being for the last day seemed distant, the violent rage settling itself more calmly in his chest, and as Alex stroked his cheek he felt more at peace, more capable of grieving for his lost mother.
When the room fell silent and he had brushed away Alex's tears of sympathy, choking back some of his own, he reached for the sofa with his arm, dragging the duvet over them both and kissing her cheeks, then her eyelids, then her forehead, finally pressing a chaste kiss to her parted, slightly bruised lips before laying his head down, tugging her slightly closer as Fitz draped himself over their legs. They both looked at him simultaneously, and then smiled, Gene pulling Alex's head to his chest, enjoying the sensation of her warm breath at the v of his shirt, watching her eyes fluttering closed as her arm slipped around his back, hand caressing the soft skin of his back.
"She sounds lovely, Gene," Alex murmured, kissing his cheek softly.
"Yeah, Alex..." he murmured softly, rubbing her waist lightly as he added, "She was."
----
He woke up with back ache from sleeping on the hard floor, but made no attempt to move as he watched Alex sleeping silently against him, her head pillowed comfortably on his arm. Fitz stirred at their feet, turning his eyes to Gene and wriggling excitedly up the duvet towards him, lodging himself in the gap between their legs with a look of utter pride. Gene snorted, lifting a hand to pet the dogs head briefly before murmuring, "you're as daft as yer Mam." His voice was quiet and soft, a note of grief creeping in as his fingers scratched at Fitz's ears, just before he felt Alex stir into consciousness against his chest, sparking a soft grin as he looked at her.
"Stop talking, go sleep," she murmured quietly, rubbing her nose in Gene's shirt and mumbling something incoherent. Fitz pricked his ears up at the sound of her voice, shuffling up the duvet towards her and, pushing his cold nose in her face, licking enthusiastically until she opened her eyes, cringing at the considerable amount of dog saliva now plastered over her face and raising a hand to wipe it away. When she glanced up, she was met with Gene's laughing eyes and despite her best attempts to glare at him, she knew the moment Fitz wriggled between them and licked happily at Gene's jaw that she couldn't be annoyed, and the smile broke out, laughter bubbling up as Gene pulled his head away from the dogs enthused licking.
"I'm starving, Alex," he wheedled as he held the dog away from him, grinning at her boyishly as his spare hand tangled into her hair. "Go make me some food..."
Alex snorted, pushing him away by the shoulders as he leant in to nuzzle her cheek and raising an eyebrow at him. "Was that your way of saying, please, Alex, you lovely lady, will you make me some food?"
He shrugged, "If you like." He pressed a swift kiss to her cheek, and then dislocated himself from their tangle of limbs, wriggling away from her and pulling Fitz away as he tried to settle himself firmly across Alex's stomach. She scowled at him, then threw the covers off, flipping the duvet into his face as she got to her feet.
---
It was midnight, and their peculiar sleep pattern of that day rendered them wide awake. After a day of silent companionship, Gene had decided to venture upstairs, and now he returned from his childhood bedroom with a large, dusty box, which he settled directly in front of the sofa before sitting next to Alex, looking at the large box with apprehension. Alex ran her hand over his shoulder reassuringly, and then murmured, "What's in it?"
He shrugged, pulling her to him with one arm, gently nuzzling at her ear. "Photos, I guess... an' books and stuff..." he trailed off, shifting closer to her and resting one hand over her shoulders.
When he didn't move to stand up, Alex asked, in a quiet and gentle voice, "Do you want to look?"
He gave a small nod, letting Alex stand up first before joining her, placing his hands lightly on her waist as pulled the box open, a flurry of dust rising in the air and causing them both to sneeze and cough briefly before she reached in, pulling out a teddy bear first, which was dusty, missing half a leg and one eye. Gene snorted, taking it gingerly from her fingers and grinning, "bloody hell, I forgot this little bugger – he was Stu's. Barely put the thing down for ten years." Having ran a large finger over the teddy's fur, he placed it gingerly down on the sofa, just as Alex drew out a large, leather-bound photo album, deep red in colour. Gene hesitated when she held it out to him, apprehensive as to exactly what might be documented in the album itself, but a few minutes later they were sat with their backs against the sofa, opening the album up across their laps as Gene pointed out relatives and friends. Even as she laughed and teased at Gene's baby pictures, it wasn't lost on Alex that there were gaps in the album, as though someone had gone through and removed individual pictures with deliberate intent, and nor was it lost that there was no referral to Gene's father at all, but she made no reference to it and cuddled into Gene's chest as his gruff voice tinted with emotion every time his mother was pictured.
When they came to the last page, Alex frowned, looking at the dated black and white photos with surprise. A tall, handsome, dark haired man stood with his arm around a much younger, eighteen year old Maddie, both smiling proudly at the camera, hands clasped together in front of them. He was dressed in soldiers' uniform, and looked at least ten years older than her, but there was no denying the beaming happiness that shone through their smiles, and as she looked at Gene, she asked, "Who's he?"
Gene smiled, holding her closer as he murmured, "Captain Jack Callea – fought in the First World War, got a medal for bravery and met me Mam in a bar the day he got back home – barely left each other alone apparently."
"Is he-?"
"No, Alex, he isn't me old man." His lips pressed to her forehead lightly before he went on. "They got engaged – her an' Jack, I mean – but they didn't bother rushing into it. Figured the war was over, so what was the rush?" He sighed, running his finger down the length of the photograph with a sad smile on his lips. "Took him five years to ask her, an' by the time he did he was near dead as a dodo. One of the old wounds in 'is leg got infected, ended up needing to lose it, and then died after the op..." His voice was slightly cracked, but it hardened with his next sentence. "Mam never stopped wearing his ring though... she met me old man a year later and married 'im simply 'cause he asked her..."
Alex stared at the photographs on the page before her. "That's... that's awful... why did she-?"
"It was nineteen twenty-four, Alex; barely any women were unmarried at that age, and people were asking questions, her parents were being twonks, and she wanted out."
"She didn't love him?" Alex murmured, "Not even a little bit?"
Gene shrugged, "Guess she liked the bastard well enough to start with, but he wasn't Jack..." he met her eyes and murmured quietly, "Guess she figured she'd had 'er run of the fairytale and she just 'ad to make do with what she 'ad left... She wasn't after romance and chocolates, Alex, she wanted some stability, and he was offering it."
There was a silence, in which she knew Gene was questioning just how 'stable' his parents' marriage could have been when he was drunk and abusive. After a moment, when she saw his jaw and fists clench, she slipped a hand around Gene's neck and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek.
"Would you ever get married again?" She asked eventually, after his body had un-tensed slightly.
His brow creased into a slight frown before he answered, "I dunno... maybe... s'long as she was a demon in the sack and had the mind of a sewer rat..." He grinned as she hit him lightly, catching her hand and bringing it to his lips. "Would you?" He murmured, lips touching her knuckle as he met her eyes.
She shrugged. "It'd depend, I suppose," she said, resting her head on his shoulder and closing the album on their outstretched legs with her spare hand.
"On what?" Gene asked, fingers wrapping tightly around hers.
"On the guy," she murmured, "on where I am in life... on Molly..." she smiled sadly as he tilted her head up to look at him; his gaze was intense and focused, and Alex shivered.
"The only person I'd consider jumping into that hell-hole with again is you, Alex..."
He kissed her then, his mouth gentle and warm against her own, and though it was still brief and innocent in nature, when he pulled away Alex was finding it difficult to breathe. "Come on," he grunted, standing up and pulling her to her feet. "Let's see what other crap we've got in this thing."
---
They spent the early hours sprawled on the floor, skimming through photo albums with Gene lightly tracing his mothers face in each one, laughing at Gene's long lost toys, sobering at the sight of Maddie's wedding dress, and then giggling yet again as Fitz chased a stray spider around the room before devouring it in one swallow. A while later Gene drew out the dusty, peeling book of fairy tales that his mother had preserved from her own childhood and treasured throughout his, and in moments his fingers were tracing the cover lightly before he opened it, almost reverently, to the first page.
"Alex?" He murmured softly, eyes scanning the contents page with a soft smile on his face.
"Yes?"
He looked at her carefully, half-smiling, half biting his lip, before he held the book out to her. "Will you?"
Alex blinked, her eyes wide with disbelief. "Will I what? Read you a story?"
He nodded, handing her the book and shifting to rest his head in her lap, holding her hand across his chest and grinning up at her. "Please?" He pouted slightly, a smug smirk spreading over his mouth when she let out a dramatic sigh of relent and opened the book up.
"Which one?" She asked, voice reluctant, even as the smile settled onto her face.
Gene's answer was immediate, as though there was no doubt in his mind, "Hansel and Gretel."
Alex grinned, thinking he was joking, only to look down at him and see the look of complete seriousness on his face. "Really?" She asked, frowning.
He nodded slowly, watching as she turned carefully to the right page, and then closing his eyes as she slid her hand into his hair, listening to the soft lull of her voice, smiling as it began to wash over him.
"Hard by a great forest dwelt a poor wood-cutter with his wife and-" she stopped, glaring down at his peaceful face and seeing a smile tease across his lips before muttering, "God I hate old English - do you have any idea how stupid this sounds?"
He grinned, nodding. "Yeah... don't stop, though... s'nice."
With a sigh, Alex went on, fingers feathering through his hair as she spoke. "Hard by a great forest dwelt a poor wood-cutter with his wife and two children..."
---
Her voice was gentle, soothing, and as he closed his eyes he reminded himself of all the times his mother had sat with him, reading these very words as he cuddled into the crook of her arm, remembering how, occasionally, he would join in, citing the words along with her, laughing when Maddie would tap him on the nose, telling him to stop stealing the words from her mouth...
As he lay there, he realized too that he had forgotten just how long the story was, grinning as he called to mind memories of many nights when he had managed to convince Maddie to read the whole thing, extending his bedtime by at least an hour, often to the point that he ended up dozing off on her shoulder, waking up to see Stuart's smug grin at having stayed awake the whole time.
As Alex got into the role of storyteller, he grinned, hearing every exaggerated piece of dialogue presented in almost exactly the same way that his mother always had. By the end, Alex had perfected each role, with each character taking on a slightly different twang, causing Gene to chuckle softly as she immersed herself in it.
When she spoke the final sentence, Gene's grin split his face open, showing teeth as the memories of a thousand nights listening to his mothers' soft voice washed over him, and as Alex closed the book, he opened his eyes, looking up at her with a warm expression that turned her stomach to a puddle of goo.
"I've never read that version before," she whispered, setting the fragile book carefully on the arm of the sofa behind them, before returning her fingers to his hair, stroking the lines of his face. "It was always lots shorter when I read it..."
Gene smiled, holding her hand in his and murmuring quietly, "it's a pretty old book, Alex... gotta be at least eighty years..." He brought her fingers to his lips, turning his head slightly to the left to rest against her stomach, breathing soft.
For a long while, they lay in silence, Gene's eyes closed to the touch of Alex's hand and the gentle sound of her breathing, only occasionally disrupted by Fitz, who growled quietly in his sleep.
"Any better?" Alex whispered eventually, breaking the spell of silence between them as she gently massaged his scalp.
"Yeah..." he murmured quietly, smiling, before sitting up, twisting around to meet her gaze and reaching his hand out, gently stroking down the side of her cheek and neck with the back of his hand.
"Thank you," he murmured sincerely, his voice soft as he leant forwards to tentatively brush her still-painful lips in a feather light kiss.
Alex smiled, trailing her fingers over his ear and speaking quietly in reply, "it was nothing."
Gene shook his head, kissing her briefly again. "It was everything," he said gently, averting his eyes awkwardly when she looked at him quizzically, and then pressing a gentle kiss to her head. "It's four in the morning," he murmured. "Should probably get some sleep."
----
Thought I'd dim down the angst for this chapter, so I hope you liked it!
I shall see you lovely people in two weeks, when I will –hopefully- get straight to work on the new chapter :-)
Until then, hope you enjoyed it, and as ever, I'd love to hear what you think.
Oh, and to Feline at TRA - a huge thank you for her lightning-fast beta-ing!
Mage of the Heart