As Puck watched the flames in the trash can start to burn out, he vowed that from now on he would do a better job of cleaning out his ears. Typically, he avoided using those little white-tipped things that were shaped like the sticks they fought with on American Gladiators because 1). They freaked him out and 2). Jamming something into your ear just did not feel natural (what if you poked your brain or something).
But, Puck would pick up a dozen packs of Q-tips after school if it meant that he could properly hear things.
Puck convinced himself that he must have a ton of wax in his ears because there was no way in hell that he had just heard Rachel Berry claim that she was pregnant with his kid.
No freakin' way.
They hadn't had sex.
Of that, Puck was sure.
Unless Rachel had slipped him a Ruffie somewhere along the way, Puck was confident that he would remember if they had slept together. Other girls he might forget, but not Rachel.
Therefore, Puck concluded, Rachel was up to something.
Puck's thoughts raced wildly. Rachel could be sick, he briefly pondered. She could have a huge tumor that was slowly eating away at her brain and forcing her to say things she didn't mean.
He wasn't that lucky.
She could be sleepwalking with her eyes open. Puck's mom told him that he had once gotten up in the middle of the night, unlocked the front door, and curled up on the lawn all while sleepwalking. So that was a possibility.
Not really.
Or, Puck dared to hope, Rachel might actually be sticking up for him; protecting the secret because she had genuine feelings for him and she valued their friendship.
Puck wanted it to be that one.
Puck's positive feelings immediately sank when he toyed with the idea that Rachel might actually be pregnant—only not with his kid.
That possibility, Puck had to admit, would be the biggest cosmic joke ever; especially if Rachel had fooled around with Finn behind his back. He could raise Finn's kid, like Finn wanted to raise his. They could be "uncles" to each other's children. Wouldn't that be swell.
Puck had to slow down, he was getting way ahead of himself. For one, Puck knew that Rachel would never be with Finn when he was in a committed relationship with Quinn. Plus, Puck had come to learn, Rachel could take care of herself in pretty much every situation.
Puck was back to square one. Maybe he was the one who was asleep. He had taken more than his fair share of naps in school. Testing his theory, Puck pinched the inside of his left arm.
Owwwwwww!
Okay, he had to be awake because pain was now racing down his forearm.
Puck thought about the ear wax thing again. He shook his head to the side to try and dislodge some.
But, Puck reasoned, even if his hearing was impaired not all of his senses could be failing at once.
At this very moment, Puck could see Rachel standing in front of her chair still holding her stomach. He could taste in the back of his throat a bit of the liquid that he had sipped from his silver flask before class, and he could smell the stale sweat and smokiness prevalent in the choir room.
This was actually happening.
As if to confirm his conclusion, Rachel repeated what she had said earlier, "That paper is mine. I am having Puck's baby."
"For reals?" Mercedes asked.
Rachel gulped but nodded her head affirmatively.
HAHAHAHAHAHA
Mercedes started to crack up.
"What's so funny?" Brittany wanted to know.
Mercedes got a control of her laughter, and wiped some moisture from her eyes. "Glee club is supposed to be for nerds lacking social skills, but we got two pregnant chicks up in here. Guess you two had no trouble being social…real social. That's funny."
"Funny how?" Rachel wanted to know.
Mercedes nodded to Quinn, "I'm sorry, but you're super religious and," she pointed to Rachel, "you can barely even dress yourself. Yet, you're both going to be responsible for another persons' life. Oh Lord Jesus, give us strength." She raised her hand to the heavens for a moment in conjunction with her plea.
"I think it's a little bit funny that Rachel found a man at all…unless it was especially dark that night" Artie spoke up. "No offense Rachel," he said scathingly.
"Some taken," she said being honest. "Why are you being kind of mean to me?"
"Because," Artie said, "Last week you told me it might be beneficial to decorate the spokes on my wheelchair."
"I thought it might add some pizzazz to our routines," Rachel tried to explain her intention. "I thought it might help our group standout more."
"Right. You said the words 'Standout' to me."
Rachel didn't get it. "What's wrong with wanting to do something to make ourselves more noticeable to the judges?"
Artie used his fist to lightly knock on his useless legs and then gesture to his chair. "I think being stuck in a twisted hunk of metal is noticeable enough without adding ribbons or bows to the mix."
Rachel was stunned.
Artie continued, "So, if your baby's ugly are you gonna try and hide some of its flaws by sticking a large bow on it? Or, are you gonna smile and say that the kid just needs to grow into its' face?"
Rachel could see how hurt Artie was about her prior comment regarding is chair. "I'm sorry Artie. I don't know what I was thinking," she apologized sincerely.
Artie was quick to forgive. "It's okay. I know you gonna make a good mama." He pointed at her, "Just in case, I got Child Protective Services on speed dial though."
Having listened to that exchange, Puck wanted to jump up and say that there was no way in hell any kid of his (pretend or not) could be ugly.
Puck was more than willing to rip off his shirt and prove that he had won the gold medal when it came to swimming in the gene pool. However, this impulse to remove his clothing left him a little worried that he might pass down a flashing gene to his daughter or something. The last thing he wanted was to see his baby grow up and be in one of those Girls Gone Wild videos.
Remaining seated (and fully clothed), Puck couldn't help but notice that Rachel was happy to have squared things away with Artie. Puck continued to watch as Rachel listened to more comments from their group mates.
Kurt looked Rachel up and down. "I knew it. You have been looking puffy lately. A little cold cream around the eyes will go a long way towards minimizing those bags. Cocoa butter will also help maintain the integrity of the rest of your body's skin as you expand with your little bundle of joy."
Rachel tried to ignore that last part. The only cocoa she wanted to think about was the kind that came in packets with tiny marshmallows. Rachel gently prodded the area around her eyes with one hand. She had stayed up late last night doing homework, but she hadn't thought the bags were all that noticeable. This was getting out of hand. Her self-esteem was taking a nosedive.
Puck didn't know what to make of what was happening. Quinn remained seated in her chair staring blankly, while Finn shifted in his looking unconvinced.
"Do you know what you're having?" Tina kept the conversation going.
"She already said she's having a baby….duh," Brittany said as she flipped her blonde ponytail over her shoulder.
Rachel nibbled her bottom lip. "Um…er…it's going to be a surprise."
You can say that again, Puck thought.
"When are you due?" Tina added.
"Later," Rachel mumbled.
"I call dibs on planning the baby shower," Kurt called out. He glanced over at Puck, "I know you probably like things done in a heteronormative way, but I'm hoping we can come to some sort of agreement."
"You can plan the shower." Rachel jumped in.
Kurt clasped his hands together, "Superb. We can use green as a theme color; green is gender neutral. And we can use sequins or rhinestones to liven things up. I can bring my Bedazzler over to your house any time you want."
Puck was in a state of disbelief that people were eating up the story, when he heard a lone voice of dissension in the crowd.
"I don't buy it." Santana said from the back row. "There is no way that Rachel is pregnant."
At this suggestion, Finns' eyes seemed to light up with intelligence (a rare occurrence for him).
"It is a little convenient," Finn said. "That you and Quinn happen to be pregnant at the same time."
Rachel giggled in an attempt to cover her nerves. "Happy coincidence," she offered by way of explanation.
For now, Puck was just watching the events unfold, but he was prepared to jump in if necessary. He couldn't let Rachel cover for him like this, could he?
Rachel faced Santana. "Why don't you believe me when I say I'm pregnant?"
Santana sported a look of disgust on her face. "For one thing," she sneered, "You're not Puck's usual type. I never bought your so-called relationship in the first place. Even disregarding that fact, I've slept with Puck and I know that he is super careful. Always."
Puck hung his head because both he and Quinn knew how false that last statement was.
Santana stood up. "I think you like Puck and wish he liked you back. When you heard the sentence that Quinn had stupidly written down, you realized that this was your chance to make him indebted to you."
Whoa, Puck decided that he was definitely going to lose Santana's number from his phone.
Santana raised her voice, "Any idiot can just stand up and say, 'I am having Puck's baby.'"
To illustrate her point, Santana rose from her chair, pointed to her stomach, and said in a monotone voice, "Rachel's not having Puck's baby, I am."
"This reminds me of Spartacus," Brittany observed.
"I love that movie," Tina chimed in.
Artie raised his eyebrows.
"What?" Tina asked innocently.
"I didn't know you liked those kinds of movies. That's hot," Artie remarked.
Tina smiled widely. As if to play along, she jumped up, and in a deep tone stated, "No, I am having Puck's baby."
Not wanting to be left out, Brittany got out of her seat and shouted, "Me too!"
"Close enough," Tina reassured her.
Brittany looked at Mercedes, wanting her to play along, but Mercedes said, "Oh hell no, y'all are weird."
Getting swept up in the emotion, Kurt jumped in, "No, it is I that is having Puck's baby."
All eyes in the room immediately turned to stare at Kurt.
"What?" he said feeling a little self-conscious, "Modern science is doing amazing things these days. Did no one else see the story about the pregnant man in the news?"
"That dude was actually a dudette though," Artie corrected.
Mike and Matt got up in solidarity with Kurt and grinned at Puck. They were enjoying his discomfort.
"Thanks boys," Kurt said appreciatively.
Looking around the room, Puck decided that this situation definitely topped the list of his worst nightmares.
Machete wielding clowns, he could deal with.
He could not, however, wrap his head around half of the glee club (including some guys) standing up and claiming to be having his kids—even if it was in jest. Puck was seriously considering going to the guidance counselor's office and begging to be committed. He could use a quiet vacation right about now.
Unimpressed by the display from his classmates, Finn spoke up, "This is crap. Having a kid is nothing to joke about. You guys have no idea how much pressure and responsibility it is. My stomach is in knots every damn minute of every damn day. I worry about money, and schoolwork, and glee, and having friends, and doing chores, and sports, and thinking about the future."
Finn turned to face Rachel. In a disgusted tone he said, "I can't believe you threw away your life on some guy that can't possibly have genuine feelings for you."
Rachel opened her mouth in order to defend herself, but Puck had heard enough.
It was time to step in.
"How do you know what I feel for Rachel?" Puck sneered. "It's not like we stay up at night talking on the phone and divulging our innermost secrets."
Finn got defensive. "You're not that hard to figure out. You like Rachel because of the way she looks. You could give a damn about her as a person."
Puck felt anger brimming inside him.
Instead of using his fists (like he wanted to do), Puck settled on a different tactic.
"You and I have been friends for awhile right?" Puck asked.
Finn shrugged, "So?"
"So, if you know me like you say you do, then you could probably answer some simple questions about me, right?"
Another shrug.
"What's my favorite color?" Puck started off.
Finn ventured a guess. "Blue?"
"No, red."
"Let's try another one. What's my favorite TV channel?"
Finn didn't know so he joked, "Skinemax."
"No, I like the History Channel. Don't tell anyone, but I actually enjoy learning about the past."
"Come on man, this is stupid…" Finn started to say, but Puck kept going like he hadn't heard.
"Why did I start playing the guitar?" Puck's voice got a little louder. "You've known me for years, so this should be an easy one."
Finn though for a moment before saying in a quiet voice, "I don't know."
"Take a guess," Puck insisted.
Finn had never seen Puck act this cold before, it was very disconcerting.
"Guess," Puck repeated.
"Fine." Finn rubbed his eyes with his hands. "You started to play the guitar because you wanted to look cool and pick up chicks."
Puck gave out a quick laugh that was clearly faked, "Not even close man, not even close."
Rachel locked eyes with Puck. Without a sound, she asked him to answer his own question. Puck wasn't sure why, but he wanted Rachel (especially Rachel) to hear his answer.
While keeping his eyes on hers, Puck said, "My dad left us when I was a little kid. At first, I thought he had just gone away on a short business trip or a temporary vacation. I think my mom tried to explain the reality of the situation, but I was either too young to understand or I just didn't want to hear it. Every day, for weeks, I would try and stay up all night to wait for him to come back. I didn't watch TV or read; I just sat on the couch and stared at the door until I either passed out from exhaustion or I got up because it was time for breakfast."
Puck stopped to get some air; he wasn't used to talking so much. Rachel gave him a small smile of encouragement.
"My mom did everything she could to get me to go to sleep, but I wouldn't budge. I wanted my dad to know that I hadn't forgotten about him. I wanted my face to be the first thing he saw as soon as he walked in the door. Eventually, my mom brought down a used guitar from the attic and told me that I should be doing something constructive with my time. She said that the guitar was my dad's, and whenever I wanted to feel closer to him, I should play some songs."
He continued, "So, I practiced. I scraped my fingers raw running through the chords over and over again. I drove my little sister crazy when I started to learn rock songs, but I wanted to be ready in case my dad ever walked through that door. I thought that if I got good enough, somehow, my dad would know and come back because he was proud of me."
Puck straightened up, "Suffice it to say, my dad never came back. But, at least I learned how to play a kickass instrument. Personally, I think it was a good trade-off," Puck finished bitterly.
Puck blinked and looked away. Rachel turned her own head and gently wiped away a tear that was pooling at her lash-line and threatening to spill onto her cheek.
Finn felt a bit ashamed that he knew so little about his supposed friend. But, when he spotted how moved Rachel was by the story, he immediately felt his jealously flare back into full force.
"I'm sorry man, I know what that feels like. But, I don't get how this little exercise proves that you are actually capable of being there for Rachel."
Puck had practically just bared his soul, and yet Finn still didn't get it. He was being a total d-bag, and Puck was sick of it. Puck's voice gained intensity as he gave his response.
"This proves that you don't really know anything about me. This proves that you care little about our friendship. This proves that you think you're better than me. And, it proves that you're jealous and scared shitless because you're afraid that Rachel just might like me back!"
"You can't possibly love her the way that I do!" Finn screamed.
Whoa.
Puck was taken aback. Who said anything about love?
There was no way Finn could love Rachel.
But, Puck worried, if Finn did love her, did any one else stand a chance?
*********
The acoustics in the room allowed for Finn's declaration to bounce off the walls and deeply resonate within the group.
All the people that had been standing in the room quietly dove for their chairs. They wanted to be out of the line of fire for whatever was to come next.
Surprising the group, it was not Puck or Finn or even Rachel who spoke up next.
It was Quinn.
Quinn stood up slowly.
In a calm voice she said. "I'm done. I am so done."
Quinn nodded towards Finn. "You want Rachel, you can have her. It's over between us."
Finn didn't know what to say. He knew a hundred apologies wouldn't even begin to make up for the damage he had just inflicted.
Finn realized that he had to try something. He and Quinn had a bond; they were connected by that baby…
"Q-Quinn," Finn sputtered, "I am so sor…"
"Save it," Quinn held up her hand. "You can't fix this."
Quinn's stare was too icy to look at. "I feel sorry for you. You are the most oblivious person I've ever met. I'm so sorry that the existence of my child has interfered with your carefree life of playing video games. You must be so relieved that now you can go back to being the lovable blockhead who has no idea that the girl he supposedly loves is a liar and that his best friend is a cheater and a snake."
Finn glanced over at Rachel. "What are you talking about?"
Quinn's comments were sharp and quick; cutting her intended targets with the precision of a surgeons' scalpel.
"I cheated on you. Rachel's not pregnant with Puck's baby, I am. That paper was mine."
Finn looked like he had been punched in the gut. His jaw dropped open in shock.
"Why?" Finn managed to get out.
Quinn's face remained passive. "I cheated on you because I felt like it. I lied because I knew I could get away with it. You were stupid enough to believe the hot tub story, so I let you."
Having observed Rachel's avoidance of Puck at the beginning of practice, Quinn guessed that Rachel had already known about the baby's paternity. Quinn decided to dig the knife a little deeper into Finn because she had nothing else to lose.
"I know that you probably hate me right now, and that's fine. I also realize that you are probably going to use that hatred to justify the fact that you have been emotionally cheating on me with Rachel for months. I'm going to warn you not to make the pedestal you put under Rachel too high because she might hurt herself when she falls off."
"Rachel's not the one who cheated on me," Finn spat.
"No," Quinn agreed.
She was going to savor each and every one of the next words she uttered.
"Rachel didn't cheat on you. But, she did lie."
Rachel's face immediately took on a guilty look, and Quinn knew that she had guessed right.
"Rachel figured out that Puck is the father of my baby. Instead of telling you, she decided to keep that tiny piece of information to herself. Maybe she does have feelings for Puck after-all," Quinn finished.
Now it was Rachel's turn to try and explain.
"Finn…I wanted to tell you…" Rachel began.
Finn shook his head; he didn't want to hear it.
Quinn thought making Rachel look bad would make her feel better—it didn't.
Quinn felt worse.
She looked around and saw Puck scowling, Finn on the verge of tears, and Rachel looked hurt as well.
Quinn didn't want to be there anymore.
With as much dignity as she could muster, Quinn grabbed her bag and headed for the door. She ran the last few steps because she was damned if she was going to let anyone see her cry.
*********
Puck watched Quinn run out of the room. He knew that she talked a big game, but he recognized that on the inside she must be feeling crushed. He was feeling pretty crushed himself.
Puck knew that he had been a lousy friend to Finn, but he wanted to do his best to make things right.
Puck faced Finn and said, "Okay. You can punch me in the face if you want, just try not to break any bones."
Puck hoped he aimed high on the face.
Puck reasoned that having a couple of black eyes would be okay because they would only add to his badassness quotient (which was already pretty high).
Finn walked close, and Puck tried not to grimace.
Puck squeezed his eyes shut and waited for an impact that never came.
Puck opened his eyes back up, "What are you waiting for? Punch me in the head like a man."
Finn had a maniacal glint in his eye. "I am not going to hit you. You're not worth it. Hitting you would imply that I actually care about you as a person or a friend. But, I don't. You're now nothing to me. In fact, I hope I never see your face again."
Ouch.
Puck thought that a punch might hurt less than that scathing rebuke.
Finn turned around, gathered his belongings, and stalked toward the door. On his way out, he paused next to Rachel.
Rachel knew better than to say anything that might further upset him.
Judging from the look in his eyes, Rachel could see that Quinn's words had already tarnished her in Finn's mind.
"I don't know what you see in Puck," Finn whispered, "But if you continue to hang out with him, then you get what you deserve."
Finn left, and Rachel stood speechless.
Puck closely observed Rachel's body language. He could see her weight shifting towards the door. Puck didn't know if she wanted to leave and go comfort Quinn or Finn.
Puck was unsure of what to do himself.
The right thing to do would be to go after Quinn. She was the mother of his child. But, she hated his guts right now. And he didn't want to make things worse.
The easy thing to do would be to stay here with Rachel. Puck liked being with her. She had a brightness and light to her that made everything seem better.
Puck alternated between the choices in his head.
Easy thing.
Right thing.
Easy.
Right.
Eventually, Rachel chose for him.
Leave it to Rachel to always do the right thing, Puck thought.
She gave him a sad smile and left the room.
Puck was now free to go after Quinn. Even if she didn't want to admit it, Quinn probably needed him. This time, Puck was willing to be there for her.
Puck stood unmoving in the choir room, giving Rachel a bit of a head start.
While he was standing, he saw the door begin to swing open.
For a moment, Puck hoped that it was Rachel coming back.
Instead, a curly mop of hair peaked through.
It was Mr. Schuester.
He walked in and stood in the center of the room.
"Hey guys, sorry that took so long."
Mr. Schu surveyed the empty chairs and the trash can with faintly glowing embers.
"What'd I miss?" he asked earnestly.
A lot. A whole hell of a freakin' lot, Puck thought as he walked out with no explanation.