A/N: Sorry this one is late. I haven't been feeling that peppy lately so sorry if this one isn't the best chapter you've read. *Coughs sickly* ;(

Countdown

Chapter Eight

Kanda,

There is only one way I can say this and it still kills me… so here it goes. I'm sorry. I know that that isn't what you wanted to hear, especially this early, but it's time I left. People finding out about my past and my assured future, it's just something I can't handle. You've been told more than anyone about it but I feel I've said too much. It's been fun, and I hope your garden stays beautiful. I wish I could see it again, but who knows? Maybe the place I go to will have one just as beautiful, I wouldn't know since I had never been to the place I'm going… Wherever that is… Do me a favor, sort of a last request from me before I go, DON'T kill Lavi, please.

When-and if-we do meet again, I'm sure everything will be just they way it was supposed to be. You've made my stay at the Order pleasant and you're the only sane person in that building. But I don't want to beat around the bush anymore. What I've been trying to force myself to beat out of my mind is this. Don't look for me, don't think about me, and don't remember me. Time heals all wounds-but to be honest-it's not easy. I've never thought of you as only a friend. You were something more, but I understand why you only thought of me that way. You're strong and I know that someone better will undoubtedly come along. Forgive and forget me.

Youko

It had been an entire day without Youko and this was Kanda's seventh time reading his letter. Lenalee, Lavi, and Allen had gotten theirs. She was even kind enough to write one to Komui and she even apologized to everyone in the Order in his letter. Saying how she apologized for wasting their time, but everyone took it harder than what she would have expected. Lenalee had locked herself in her room and not even Allen had enough courage to check on her. Lavi sulked in the library removing and looking over the books she had read with him in their spare time. Allen hadn't eaten anything all day and was staring at her coffee cup in the cafeteria. Komui actually started to clean his office but when he saw her file he shoved it back in the drawer and went out somewhere. Reever and his team did nothing all day and just sat around an old table remembering when she first came their and Johnny knocked over a vial of explosive gel they had been experimenting on. Youko tugged him back and they flew back and broke the table in half, so it now had a large crack in it. For repair all they did was put tape over it, since the amount of money was limited. Kanda had gone to the gardens and was looking at the spot she had sat last time they were there together. Whenever the hell that was.

"Kanda?" a voice broke the distraught silence.

He looked over his shoulder knowing exactly who it was. The one he wasn't supposed to kill because she asked him. The red-head walked closer to him, hands shoved into his pockets and tears streaking down his face. Kanda looked away, worried that his own would show.

"What are you doing here?" Lavi asked with a hit of anger in his voice.

"Something I was told not to."

"And that would be?"

"… Remembering," he sighed.

"Shouldn't you be going after her!?" the future bookman screamed grabbing Kanda by the collar of his uniform.

"She told me not to."

"I'm sorry? What did you say? You are taking orders from her!?"

"Yes. I will respect her wishes," he said stalking off after Lavi released him.

"You bastard! You won't look for her, even for the rest of the Order? You probably don't know this, but you weren't the only one who cared about her! We were her friends too!"

That stopped him, but only for a second. Damn it, why did this happen to him? He made his way through the trees and bushes listening to Lavi's screaming voice drown out the farther he went. The long hallways had only a few finders and every now and then they would walk by and glance at him. Allen had left the cafeteria and left her old cup on the table and when he saw; Kanda went in and took it with him. The saying still made him smirk, and he didn't think that would ever change. Perfect description of the most pleasant lady he had met in… well forever. Komui was coming back from town and noticed the sulking exorcist.

"Kanda, would you like to talk? I think it would be best if we did."

"Ch."

But Kanda followed, none the less. The man was his boss and maybe he would give him a mission to take his mind off of her. But that's highly unlikely. The large door shut behind him and the teen made his way to the couch in front of the desk. Komui stood behind it and sat down in his chair, his blue and pink mug hadn't been filled in hours, and so it was almost scary not seeing it up to his face. The room almost felt deadly from the coldness. But to him every room felt like that since he woke up this morning.

"Did you know that Youko didn't want to come here? Our finders had to take her by force."

He clenched his jaw, but forced himself to stay seated. Making her do something she didn't want to? Did he really do that? Ask them to bring her here with any means necessary? Kanda kept his eyes focused on the man, who was now gazing at a few papers he had left on his partially clean desk.

"She finally calmed down after a few hours," he said casually, making Kanda want to kick his ass.

He could say something that horrible right in front of him!? Of all people!? The older brother was dead serious and you could easily tell from his tone. In now way was he joking and he didn't look like he would be anytime soon. This was not supposed to happen to him anyway. He thought that she would stay longer; at least that was what she told him. Then realization struck, she had lied to him. So did that mean she lied about everything else? How she didn't want him to follow or look for her? Kanda left the room without another word. This little talk that they had was making him over think things. But in a way it all made sense. Komui watched his retreating back sulk into the hallway.

"So are we going or what?" Allen asked appearing at the bottom of the stairs.

"Going where?"

"To find her of course! Lenalee and Lavi have started to narrow her location," the boy smiled.

"Stay out of it. Leave her be. You probably won't find her anyway."

The teen made his way up to his room, leaving Allen shocked that he really didn't want to help. Kanda's room was dark and cold, it was around eleven at night and his room seemed even more depressing then what it used to, before he met her. But if she did lie to him, then was everything a lie? No, whenever they spent time together in the gardens she would always laugh, and usually people don't laugh while they're lying. So she only lied one time. One time too many in his opinion…

Youko must have looked back at the Order about ten times from the town square before she finally got to the outskirts of the town. It had to be this hard, didn't it? He was a friend, and she had traveled everywhere just trying to find that one man who was more than a friend. But of course life had to go against her. So she had to leave, her home was about five days away and this time she wouldn't be leaving, no matter how much she wanted to. Her family was less than pleasant so it didn't bother her to leave in the first place. Her mother was dead and had been since she was about six, but her father had just die recently and now her aunt and cousin were taking care of the household… plus the deal she had made with her father. A rain drop trickled down her cheek; at least she thought it was a rain drop. What else could it be? She wasn't upset was she? No, he made it perfectly clear that he didn't care. Wasting her time was something she didn't want to do anymore. She had things to do, stuff to not do, and well practically all she had to do was die. At this point that would actually make her life happy.

"Damn her," Kanda groaned as he lifted himself from his bed.

She was making him do this. It was one in the morning and she probably wouldn't stop to make camp so he already lost a days travel. He would have to work harder to catch up. No one was awake so that meant sneaking out wouldn't be a problem. Shoving the letter in his pocket, he shoved the door open and looked around, only to see three faces staring at him. All with hope in their eyes and ready to leave.

"Go back to sleep," he ordered shoving them apart so he could get by.

"We want to help," Lenalee said cheerfully.

"I'm going alone. I don't know how she'll react."

"But-"

"Let him go," Komui's voice bounded through the hall.

Kanda raised a brow but continued on his way, pulling the exit door open and slamming it shut. He was going to find her if she wanted him to or not. He stalked down the streets determined to find her again, and if she reacted the way he thought she would then… well let's say things will get a little interesting.

(Four and a half days later)

She was almost there. About noon-she predicted-was when she would see her home again. Town after town she saw the young men and women eyeing her and some asked where she was headed. 'It might as well be hell,' she always smiled back. Did she care anymore? No. She had thought so much about for a while and everything would turn out for the best. 'Of course it will. It won't be much longer now anyways,' she thought before a loud noise was heard from behind her. It was far off but she could determine that it was yelling or screaming. Someone was calling her, but she didn't have time. Youko glanced back for a moment deciding to at least give the person some acknowledgement. But she ended up doing a double take, seeing who she thought she would never see again. Eyes widened as she watch him come closer but then her mind snapped back and she took off. She didn't look back, but what if this was a hallucination? She could be running for no reason at all, but this was no time to take chances. But he was just as fast as her, so it was useless to try and get away. Once he gained on her she turned towards him and got one last look before disappearing in the cloud of white dust that came from her staff she had summoned while running. Then she said something that seemed to drain her energy.

"Give up," she chocked.

Kanda reached out, hoping to grab her before she completely vanished. But he ran through the haze unsuccessful.

"Damn it," he swore running down the path hoping to see her walking again.

Next time, he would catch her. He needed to talk some sense into her-which, to him, at this moment she clearly lacked.

'She's making it a lot harder for me to tell her my feelings…'

A/N: Sorry for the wait. Like I said, not feeling well.

Thank you Savage Kill, Soulless Ghosty, MusicianOnCrack, Lathya, Clarissa Avila, and StarlightEclipse22! You are all awesome! XD Keep reviewing because I love feed back! Plus I hope none of you feel sick like I do… EVER! ;(