Helga stayed up for the next week tending to Joseph, barely staying away from him long enough to look after her needs. She was almost ready to pass out from exhaustion, but Joseph was racked with a violent coughing fit and all thoughts of sleep were whisked out of her mind as she hurried over to check on him.

He wheezed once more, and then sighed, closing his eyes. His breathing was shallow and rapid, but he wasn't coughing anymore and he was in a deep, restful sleep, which pleased Helga. For the past few days, he had slept fitfully, and Helga not at all. Carrie, Faith and Richard slept in different rooms, and as far as Helga knew, they were fine. They spent most of the time outside, anyways, so Helga wasn't worried about them catching whatever Joseph had. She didn't worry about herself anymore.

At the beginning, she had also been plagued with a raging fever and terrible aches and chills, but when she felt her forehead, her temperature was normal. It hadn't bothered Helga as much anymore; she had learned to deal with the constant headaches and bone-deep aches and chills. Her health barely concerned her when Joseph was so sick.

A knock at the door stirred Helga, and she realized that she had dozed off. Shaking off the drowsiness, she opened the door find Martha holding a platter of food and steaming tea.

She frowned as she gave Helga a once-over, but didn't say anything as she fussed over Joseph.

"My, he looks a little better today," she observed, while rearranging the covers around his frail body.

"The tea will be cold by the time he wakes up again," Helga said quietly, folding her arms over her chest.

Martha looked up, and smiled tiredly. Helga guessed she hadn't been getting much sleep either, now that she had an extra 5 children to look after. Helga felt a twinge of guilt, but that was overridden with her worry for Joseph. If they hadn't have found Martha and Larry, they would have died eventually; Joseph would never have survived more than a few days with his sickness.

"The tea isn't for him," Martha explained, straightening up and handing Helga a cup of tea.

"Oh." Helga nodded slowly; days without sleep were taking their toll on her mental faculties. "Thank you," she said, after taking a small sip. It tasted deliciously of peppermint.

Martha merely smiled, and cupped a steaming mug of tea in her hands.

"You should go outside for once, Helga," Martha suggested after a few minutes of silence.

Helga shook her head. "I can't leave Joseph," she insisted.

"He's getting better," Martha cajoled. "Look at him. He's sleeping better than he has in days. If you don't want to go outside, then at least sleep. You look like you haven't slept in weeks."

Admittedly, Joseph was looking better, and Helga was about to drop dead with exhaustion. Maybe just a few hours wouldn't hurt..

After a few agonizing moments of indecision, she finally nodded. "I'll sleep in here."

Although Helga could tell Martha didn't approve of the idea, she didn't say anything. After insisting Helga have another cup of tea, Martha left her tray of food with Helga and went off with Larry to tend to her children.

Helga slumped into the bed next to Joseph's, and closed her eyes wearily. She shouldn't have neglected her sleeping habits like that, especially when she should have been looking after her siblings and keeping them out of trouble. Before she could pursue those thoughts anymore, sleep closed over her like a blanket of clouds, and the world fell away.

It could have been days or weeks or possibly years, but Helga finally woke up, blinking against the blinding sunshine streaming into the room. Martha must have opened the blinds when she cleared up the tray of food, Helga reasoned as she yawned and stretched her arms over her head.

On the bed beside her, Joseph was breathing deeply, still asleep, but looking much better than before. Perhaps, as Martha said, he was taking a turn for the better.

Helga got up and after tending to Joseph a bit, she kissed his forehead, smoothed out his unruly hair, and stepped out of the small room for the first time in more than a week.

She immediately regretted doing so. Nicholas was standing right outside the door, holding yet another tray of food and tea. Helga almost ran smack into him, but Nicholas managed to sidestep Helga and save the tray of food from crashing to the floor.

"Watch it," he growled, shoving the tray of food into her hands and stalking off down the hall before Helga could even apologize.

"Sorry," she called after him, although it was too late. He had already put a damper on her mood. She no longer felt like playing with Carrie and Faith in the sunshine.

Instead, she retreated to the room again and ate a small breakfast, leaving the rest for Joseph. He would undoubtedly be hungry when he woke, and Helga decided it would be better to stay with him rather than risk meeting Nicholas again in the halls.

Carrie came in a short while later with Faith trailing slightly behind, and begged Helga to play with them.

"We missed you, Helga. You're always up here with Joseph. Please Helga?" Carrie asked, looking up at Helga with impossibly large eyes. Helga, unable to resist the charms of her smallest sister, grudgingly agreed. Joseph wouldn't wake up for a while, anyways.

The late August sunshine was warm on her face as she stepped outside. It was nice, Helga had to admit, and running felt even better. She hadn't stretched her legs in a long time.

Carrie and Faith giggled as Helga chased them around the yard, trying to catch them and tickle them. It was a game they had played with their father a lot, and Helga could tell that even though they were all having fun, thoughts of their father and what they had left behind were never far below the surface.

Richard watched from afar as he helped Larry and his sons hitch up the team, and he too was reminded of his father as he watched his sisters laugh and giggle as Helga caught them both and tickled them. But, as always, he kept silent, and turned back to Larry when he could stand it no longer. Hastily, he wiped the gathering tears away from his eyes, and bent down to check the horse's harness.

Although Faith, Carrie and Joseph were too young to understand the horror of what happened to heir parents, he and Helga were not oblivious. Every time their eyes met, he could see the toll it was taking on Helga, and on himself. Both of them were forced to grow up too soon. He longed to play in the sunshine with his siblings, carefree as a bird frolicking in the wide summer skies, but he had to earn his keep with the Evans', just like Helga did.

For the rest of the afternoon, Richard toiled in the fields with Larry and his oldest sons, while Helga, Carrie and Faith eventually went inside to help Martha with dinner preparations. A short while later, they were called in, and the dinner was eaten merrily, as news of Joseph's slow recovery cheered everyone greatly.

Only Nicholas remained broodingly silent, but Richard suspected he was just generally unhappy with the world and thought nothing of it. Even Helga was cheerful. The sunshine did her well, Richard thought as he helped clear the table.

And everything was fine until morning. Not for the first time, Richard woke to shrill screaming. Wearily, he pulled himself out of bed and entered Joseph's room down the hall, where the screaming was coming from.

Helga was sitting on Joseph's bed, rocking back and forth while she held his limp body in her arms. Carrie and Faith were screaming at the top of their lungs, Carrie for Joseph, and Faith at Helga.

It didn't take long for the whole household to converge in that one tiny room, but it took even less time for Faith to destroy Helga even further than Joseph's death already had.

"I hate you, Helga! You let Joseph die!" she shrieked, while Carrie sat beside Helga and cried. Martha and Larry walked in as Faith screamed her last accusation at Helga. "You're the witch! You should have died, not mom and dad!"

Helga, who had been in an unfeeling daze the whole time, finally woke up. At first, her lips trembled, and her eyes went glassy. Then she dropped Joseph's dead body on the bed, and fled the room, tears streaming uncontrollably down her face as Faith's words rang painfully in her ears.

"You should have died, Helga! They should have burned you!"

Nicholas and Richard dug Joseph's grave in a small clearing to the side of the house. They worked in silence, and when they were finished and had laid Joseph's tiny, frail body to rest, they covered him up again and set a wooden cross near the head of the grave.

Helga still had not reappeared, and Carrie was the only one to visit Joseph's grave with a bundle of dandelions. She set them down on his grave, laid down beside his cross, and cried. Richard didn't have the heart to disturb her, but he also picked his own bundle of flowers and set them on the small grave.

Carrie stayed there until sundown, when Richard finally managed to cajole her into sleeping in the house. A while later, while Richard was still awake and the rest of the household was asleep, he heard footsteps down the hall. He opened his door to see Helga tiptoeing down the hall, looking paler than death.

She saw Richard, and tears welled in her eyes again. "We leave tomorrow," she said shakily when she passed him.

Richard nodded, dumbfounded. Joseph's death must have pushed her over the edge, so soon after watching their parents die.

Helga, meanwhile, could not sleep. She had only come upstairs to warn Richard of their departure, and she decided she would spend the night by Joseph's grave. It was, after all, her fault Joseph had died. No matter how many times she convinced herself it wasn't her fault, there were a million ways to place the blame squarely on herself.

If they hadn't left home, he would have never gotten sick. If she had stayed with him instead of playing with Carrie and Faith, he wouldn't have died. A million ways to trace the fault back to herself, to her failures as his oldest sister.

In the moonlight, Joseph's freshly dug grave looked even more heartbreaking. It was so small. Someone that young should not have died. Someone so loved should not have been taken away from her. And most of all, someone so stupidly naive should not have been entrusted to take care 4 smaller children.

Helga collapsed next to Joseph's tiny grave, a spot earlier occupied by Carrie, and drew her knees up to her chest. She didn't cry, though.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," Nicholas said quietly as he sat down next to Helga. She hadn't heard him approach, and she didn't know why he was suddenly so concerned for her, but she was beyond caring. She was planning their next move, bottling up the grief and sadness and burying it deeply in the farthest recesses of her heart. The rest of her siblings were counting on her to be strong. She couldn't fail them again.

Nicholas placed a hand awkwardly on her shoulder, pulling her away from her planning.

"I... I'm.. sorry," he said after a moment of silence. Helga just nodded, staring blankly ahead.

"It's okay. You won't have to put up with us anymore. We're leaving in the morning," she said, her voice flat.

Nicholas snorted incredulously. "Really? And where are you going to go? You're just going to wander in the wild again and wait until another one of your siblings drops dead?"

"We can't just mooch off your family. There's no way your grandparents alone can support 10 children. We've taken up too much of your time already," she pointed out.

"If you and Richard help, it'll work out fine. As long as you earn your keep, I see no reason why you can't stay."

"But how? The only thing I know is housework. I can't do anything else useful." Her voice was dejected. As much as she hated to stay with the Evans', she knew it was the best place for them.

"I'll teach you how to hunt, or do field work, or something," Nicholas offered.

Helga remained silent as she thought over the possibilities.

If they could just stay here and never have to leave, everything would eventually be fine. It was too far down the road for Helga to see, but eventually, she knew things would right themselves. Carrie and Faith would have someone to look after them and love them like grandparents; Richard could finally learn farming, something father had promised him long ago, yet never got around to; and Helga could finally rest knowing her siblings were in good hands, that they could survive without her constant failing attempts at normalcy. A small scrap of hope, resuscitated by these thoughts, fluttered in her chest like a fragile butterfly.

But no matter how much she wished and hoped and prayed, nothing could ever be the same again after Joseph's death. Nothing would ever clear her conscience of her failure. The stray flutter of hope was crushed by her overwhelming sense of failure and loss.

She laid back and rested her head on her arms, spent of tears, and stared at the stars. And just for a moment, she allowed herself to feel. She envied those stars. They were so far removed from the pain of the world, so far away from everything, all alone in their space above the heavens. Not lonely, for they could see everything going on in the worlds below them, but solitary by nature. What would it be like to look down on the earth from so high? To see everything, yet feel nothing? To know everything, yet never experience emotions?

The stars, so far above her in the velvety night sky, were trapped in their own perfect world, impossibly beautiful and unattainable. That was were Joseph belonged, up in heaven with those beautiful stars, free from all pain and sadness. That was what all her siblings deserved, and that was exactly what Helga couldn't give them.

When Nicholas left, Helga curled up next to Joseph's cross and allowed herself to cry for a while. She couldn't say sorry enough for all the pain she had caused her siblings. It seemed that every where she went, she carried with her a thundercloud of sadness that rained down grief and unhappiness on all those around her.

Would there ever be enough time to apologize for all her failures?

A/N: *weeps* It had to be done, I'm sorry. D: *dodged flying trash cans*

...

I'd like to say thanks to my 2 faithful reviews, Kitty Bridgetta (I hope I spell that right) and Sparky the Wonder Nerd aka my best internet friend, and all of my other readers, I love you all. ^^ And to what little readers I have after this, it will get better. Hopefully.

And remember kids, vehicular manslaughter is wrong! :)