Irony

By Serena

Setting: AU Clone Wars

Summary: An accident causes Asajj Ventress to have some memory loss. And consequently, she falls madly in love with the first man she sets eyes on. Needless to say, the results are humorous. AU.

A/N: For the purposes of this story, everyone will be OOC. :D

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.

CHAPTER SEVEN: "Extreme Makover: Ventress Edition"

"Get her off him!" Mace snarled, bounding to his feet. But when Asajj pulled away with a hurt expression on her face, Yoda glared at Mace and whacked him in the shins with his cane.

"Be nice you will!" Yoda chastised, before turning to Asajj with a grin on his wizened face. "Afraid, do not be, my dear," he said, taking her hand in his small claw and patting it with his other.

Asajj beamed happily at the oldest Jedi Master and gushed, "Oh, you're such a sweetie!" She giggled.

Everyone stared in transfixed horror and odd fascination at the very strange scene before them. Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. She was just charming everybody, it seemed. Well, except for Mace Windu and Ki-Adi-Mundi. But they didn't count.

Force, she was even charming him.

No, wait. She wasn't. She couldn't.

Oh, blast.

Obi-Wan scowled and folded his arms over his chest.

"Now, my dear," Yoda said as Asajj crouched beside his chair, "Mind, do you, if ask you a few questions, we do?"

"Of course not!" Asajj chirped with a grin. "I don't really know what to say, but Obi-Wan can help me, right, Obi?" She shot a huge smile to Obi-Wan, who smiled back uncomfortably.

"Absolutely, my dar… er, yes." Obi-Wan cleared his throat, turning red as the other Jedi stared at him.

"Good," Yoda said, still smiling at Asajj. "Now, your name is…?"

"Asajj. I'm not sure about the last…" She frowned thoughtfully and glanced at Obi-Wan. "Obi-Wan? Mind telling me, hon?"

Hon? HON? HON?! Obi-Wan couldn't stop his mouth from falling open. "I… well…" he stammered. "Uh, Ventress. It's… Ventress."

"Oh. There you go!" she replied happily.

Ki-Adi-Mundi decided to step in and be the killjoy. Mace was too busy nursing his aching shins at the moment. "What do you know of Count Dooku?" he snapped suddenly. "Where is he? What about General Grievous?"

Asajj looked at him blankly. "Uh, come again?"

"Oh, be quiet," Obi-Wan sighed wearily. When Asajj threw him a hurt look, he quickly added, "No, not you, my dear. You." He pointed to Mundi. "She doesn't know what you're talking about, so just leave her alone."

"You keep defending this woman!" Mundi hissed, jumping to his feet.

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Oh, in the name of – look at her! She's perfectly fine!" He motioned to Asajj, who now smiled at him dreamily. "She's…" Obi-Wan trailed off as he stared into her big icy blue eyes that sparkled at him. "… Fine." After a prolonged moment of locked eyes, he looked away and cleared his throat again.

Oh. Blast.

"Feel I do that Master Kenobi is right," Yoda said with a nod. "Perhaps give some new quarters to Miss Ventress we can."

"Master, you can't be actually considering that she stay here on this sacred ground!" Mundi bellowed.

Yoda glared at him. "Considering, I am, seeing you suffer the same fate as Master Windu," he warned, tapping his cane thoughtfully on his chair.

Mundi shut up after that.

"Show you, I will," Yoda said, hopping off the chair, "Around."

Obi-Wan really, really hoped that he wasn't seeing what he thought he was seeing. Yoda trying to charm Asajj? Asajj and Yoda? Or was Yoda just being polite and nice? Or was he seeing this the wrong way? Or maybe he was just going crazy. That was it. He was definitely going off the deep end.

Of course, that had to be Anakin's fault.

"Master, actually," Obi-Wan spoke up before he could stop himself, "I was hoping to help Asajj in another way first. She expressed an interest in getting… cleaned up. And I think she could use something to eat."

"Of course," Yoda said. "Show her the cafeteria, I can."

"No!" Obi-Wan shouted, startling the other masters. "I mean… that is… I was already on my way there." He stepped forward, took Asajj and gently tugged her to her feet. "So… let's go then, shall we, my dear?"

Asajj grinned up at him. "I'd love to," she said breathily.

Blast.

Yoda scowled. "Hmph."

As Obi-Wan hurriedly ushered Asajj out of the Council Chambers, Yoda called, "Know, let me, if you need anything!"

Asajj glanced at him and laughed. "You charmer you," she said playfully before Obi-Wan practically dragged her out of the room.

Mace glowered after her. "I don't trust her."

Yoda's only response was to whack him with his cane.

As Obi-Wan pulled Asajj down the hallway, he came face-to-face with Padme chatting with Anakin. "Oh, Senator Amidala!" he said, nodding politely.

Padme quickly pushed Anakin away from her and plastered on a smile. "Obi-Wan! Please, we know each other better than that. Padme, please." She glanced at Asajj and smiled. "And this must be our newest addition," she added. Holding out a hand, she said, "I'm Padme."

Asajj grinned widely and shook the hand. "Pleasure!" she said brightly. "I'm Asajj."

Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged knowing glances. Clearly Anakin had filled Padme in on the situation.

"Are you enjoying the temple?" Padme asked.

Asajj nodded eagerly. "Oh, yes, it's wonderful!" She smiled up at Obi-Wan, something not lost on Padme, who hid a smirk. "Obi-Wan has been such a darling helping me with everything. I don't know what I'd do without him."

Obi-Wan reddened. Blast it.

"Oh, I see," Padme said, winking at Obi-Wan. "Well, perhaps, if you can bear to part with her, Obi-Wan, you wouldn't mind if I borrowed our dear Asajj for a while."

Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged frightened glances. Whenever Padme got an idea in her head, it wouldn't go away, and half the time, it ended up in some kind of disaster. Or it just meant trouble. Either way, it wasn't good. Anakin, standing behind Padme, quickly shook his head and made slashing motions across his throat, wide-eyed, signaling that Obi-Wan shouldn't agree.

"Well…" Obi-Wan said hesitantly.

"I'd love to!" Asajj put in. "What are we going to do?"

Obi-Wan and Anakin both let out groans at the same time. They had a bad feeling about this.

"Girl, it's time for an extreme makeover!" Padme said with a grin as she rubbed her hands together gleefully.

Obi-Wan and Anakin paled simultaneously. "Oh, dear," Obi-Wan remarked in dread.

"You said it, Master," Anakin muttered. "My wife is insane."

"Yes," Obi-Wan said distantly. Blinking, he turned to Anakin. "Your what now?"

Anakin reddened and cleared his throat. "My, uh… uh, my life is insane."

"Oh." Obi-Wan shrugged. "No argument there."

Anakin shot him a deadly glare that was only ignored. As the two ladies hurried away, chattering excitedly, Obi-Wan let out another groan and rubbed his forehead. "Anakin, she won't stop following me around," he said frantically. "She's giving me… the look."

"The look?" Anakin said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes – you know the ones women get when we're around. That starry-eyed, "I want to run my hands through your hair and kiss you senseless" look."

Anakin laughed. "So poetic, Obi-Wan!"

"I'm glad you find this funny," Obi-Wan grumbled. "She never leaves my side now."

"So she thinks you're cute," Anakin shrugged. "Maybe you should take her out on a date." He grinned cheekily.

Obi-Wan glared at him. "Maybe you should remember that I'm a Jedi Master, Anakin."

"Maybe you should chill out."

"Maybe you should grow up."

"Maybe you should stop being such a grouchy grouch."

"Maybe you should stop being so immature."

"Maybe you should stop being such a grumpy grump."

"Maybe you should think about where your loyalties lie."

"Maybe you should get a real life."

"… That hurt, Anakin."

"Sorry, Obi-Wan. Fwends?"

"… I don't know why I even put up with you."

"Becawse you wuve me and I'm wike yowa son?"

"I'm leaving now."

Anakin laughed as Obi-Wan strode away, but he quickly stopped when he saw his Padawan rushing down the hall full-speed. "Ahsoka!"

Ahsoka whirled around. "Can't stop, Master!"

"Whoa, whoa, wait just a minute!" Anakin called, jogging after her and catching up quickly. "Ahsoka, what the kriff is going on?" he demanded, folding his arms over his chest.

"Can't explain now, Master, have to run!" Ahsoka panted.

"Run? From what?" Anakin asked blankly.

Ahsoka looked over Anakin's shoulder and saw a familiar clone heading purposefully towards her. "ACK!" she screeched, and took off down the hall.

Anakin stared after her and then at Rex as he strode after her. "Rex!" he called.

Rex halted, his helmet swiveling to face Anakin.

"Hey, you know what's up with Ahsoka? She's been acting so strangely lately."

Rex paused. "Haven't noticed, sir." And with that, he rushed off after Ahsoka.

Anakin blinked in confusion at the disappearing non-couple. "What's with them?"

TBC...

Poor Rex. Will he ever catch up to Ahsoka? Will Anakin ever stop being so clueless when it comes to his Padawan? Probably not. :D

- Serena