Irony
By Serena
Setting: AU Clone Wars
Summary: An accident causes Asajj Ventress to have memory loss. And consequently, she falls madly in love with the first man she sets eyes on. Needless to say, the results are humorous. AU.
A/N: For the purposes of this story, everyone will be OOC. :D
Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.
CHAPTER EIGHT: "Who's Your Man?"
Once at Padme's apartment, Padme rubbed her hands together and grinned. "Well, first things first. Facial." She touched a button on the wall and said, "All right, bring up Fabio."
"What's a facial?" Asajj asked curiously. "Is it going to regrow my hair?"
"Nope," Padme replied.
Asajj's face fell. "But… but… I want HAIR!" she sobbed, clutching her pale head. Padme frowned and patted her shoulder.
"Don't worry, that comes next."
Asajj stopped crying. "Oh. Never mind."
The doors to the lift opened, revealing oddly enough, a cowering man with a shirt that revealed a masculine chest and long hair. As soon as the doors opened, he sprinted out, crying, "Crazy female!"
Padme and Asajj stared at him blankly.
Then, a furious female Jedi Knight stomped out, glaring evilly at the man. "Touch me again and I will RIP YOU APART!" Aayla Secura screeched.
"Don't a kill a me, bella!" the man cried, holding a hair dryer over his head.
"Fabio?" Padme said, startled. "What's going on?"
"This vermin tried to hit on me!" Aayla fumed, still glaring at him. She then turned to Padme and Asajj and smiled. "Hello, Sajje! Hope you don't mind if I pop in and join you."
"Of course not!" Padme cried, smiling, as she reached out to usher the Jedi in. "Please, the more, the merrier!"
Aayla grinned. "Great!" She kicked poor Fabio to the side and went over to them. "So, what's the plan for today?"
"We're giving Asajj a makeover," Padme said, smiling. "First, we're going to have Fabio give her a facial."
"Fabio? Who's Fabio?"
Padme pointed to the whimpering man on the floor.
Aayla blinked. "Oh."
Padme sighed and went over to the man. "Do get up, Fabio."
"Get-a that-a crazy lady away-a from me-a!" he whined.
Padme's eyes narrowed. "GET UP!" she shrieked.
Fabio instantly hopped to his feet, beet-red. Padme smiled. "Good," she said, putting her hands on her hips. "Now, Fabio, I want you to give our dear Asajj a facial. And try to get rid of those tattoos if you can."
"Asajj?" Fabio shot a frightened look to Aayla.
"No, no," Padme said, and pointed to Asajj, who waved cheerfully. "Her."
Fabio promptly shrieked and cowered on the ground again. At this, Asajj stared at him, curled up her nose, and suddenly burst into tears. Aayla's eyes narrowed at Fabio, and her hand twitched towards her lightsaber.
Padme sighed, looking from the trembling Fabio curled up on the floor to a fuming Aayla to a sobbing Asajj and said the very familiar words of one Jedi Master.
"Oh, dear."
Back at the Temple, Ahsoka, still evading Stalker Rex, hurried into the crowded cafeteria, hoping beyond hope that Rex wouldn't find her in the masses of Jedi younglings, knights, masters, and padawans. And he should know that she could pick his obvious clone helmet out of a Jedi crowd any day, so she'd be able to spot him if he came.
She grabbed some food and quickly hurried over to a small table in the middle of the room. But once she took a seat, she glanced around warily before pulling a delicate blue-green flower out of her belt. She gazed at it, fingering its petals.
It really was sweet of Rex to give her so nice a flower. Where on earth had he found it in the first place? The thought of someone going out of his way to give her something so beautiful was… well…
Dare she say… romantic?
Ashoka touched her cheeks that were growing warmer and frowned. No – wait, HOLD IT! FOLD UP THAT THINKING TENT, TANO!
She did NOT just think that REX was ROMANTIC?!!!
Kriffing Force. Ahsoka glared at the flower and was about crush it in her hands, but when a throat cleared above her, she quickly hid her hands in her lap and looked up sharply. Her eyes widened when she saw the young man standing over her shyly.
"Hey, Ahsoka," said Galan Varr. He smiled and brushed a strand of blonde hair out of his face. At eighteen, only one year older than she, he was the handsomest Padawan in the Order. At least, all of the others girls thought so. He had bright blue eyes, gorgeous blonde hair, and a perfect body. He was kind, thoughtful, and unfortunately… couldn't really fight to save his life.
Which was why he was studying to be a healer.
It was really too bad. Ahsoka had always liked the more rugged, down-to-earth kinda guy. Tall, dark, handsome, who knew how to handle a blaster and fight until his last breath.
Someone like…
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! STOP IT, AHSOKA!!
Ahsoka gritted her teeth and clenched her fists.
"Uh, Ahsoka?" Galan asked hesitantly.
Ahsoka blinked and looked up at him. "What? Oh, yes, sorry Galan. I was just… thinking."
"Thinking?" Without being asked, Galan took the seat opposite her and smiled. "About what?"
"Er…" Ahsoka didn't know what to say. "Um, fighting."
Well, it was partially the truth.
"Oh," Galan said, looking disappointed. "How… interesting."
Ahsoka slipped the flower back in her belt and poked at her food. "Yep. So, how've you been lately?"
"Better," he said with a dashing smile, "now that you're here."
Ahsoka blushed and stared at her food. He really was so sweet. Reaching across the table, he took her hand in his and squeezed it gently. He smiled at her, a smile that made all of the young females in the Temple melt into a puddle of goo. Ahsoka even found herself feeling a little lightheaded.
"I'm so glad you're back," Galan said softly. "We used to be together so much before you were chosen to be Master Skywalker's Padawan. Maybe you can stay longer this time and we can… catch up. Talk."
Ahsoka didn't mention that they'd only talked a few times, and of those few, two of them were really her kicking his butt in lightsaber practice.
"That'd be… great," she replied with a smile. "I look forward to it."
He smiled widely and squeezed her hand again. "I'm so glad. Do you mind if I eat with you?"
"Well, um, sure, I guess not," she said with a shrug. "But are you - REX?" she squeaked, eyes widening. Sure enough, the familiar clone captain was striding towards them purposefully, coming up behind Galan. To Ahsoka's horror, the Captain's fists were tightly balled.
Oh. Kriff.
The Captain was on a mission. And if Ashoka knew him, which she was dead sure she did, Rex was on a mission to kill. No. Not kill.
Destroy.
Which only meant one thing. Galan. Ahsoka froze, unable to think of what to do next. Should she run? Scream at Rex? Force-push him across the room?
But it was too late.
Galan, unaware of the deadly situation coming up behind him, just frowned in confusion. "I'm sorry?" he said, confused. "'Am I Rex'? I don't get i- AAAUGH!" he cried as a strong, gloved hand shot out and grabbed the back of his shirt, abruptly yanking him out of his seat. He dangled in the air and blinked, facing a white helmet. Although Galan couldn't see the clone's eyes through the black visor, he felt two burning eyes glaring at him.
"H-hello," Galan stammered.
The clone growled and tightened his grip on the young man's shirt. "You get away from her," he snarled.
"Rex," Ahsoka finally managed to find her voice.
Galan frowned, despite his fear. "You can't tell me what to do!" he said, affronted. "Ahsoka is my friend – I'll see her when I please."
The clone leaned forward. "Wrong answer." And he abruptly tossed Galan like a sack of potatoes onto another table, covering him in a mess of food.
"Rex!" Ahsoka gasped. "What are you doing?"
Galan furiously clambered off the table and wiped his face covered in red chili. "How dare you, you pathetic clone!" he snapped. "You're going to pay for this!"
"Try me, shrimp," Rex goaded.
Ahsoka leaped to her feet. "Guys…"
"Right!" Galan cried, lunging forward, "I'll get you for that!" And he charged towards the clone trooper at accelerated speed.
"Guys!" shrieked Ahsoka. "Cut it out!"
Neither of them listened to her. But all the tables around them cleared away as Rex and Galan started to fight hand-to-hand combat. Although Galan was shorter, he was more agile.
Although it was very un-Jedi-like, all of the surrounding crowd, most of them girls, started whispering and eying the two fight.
After a few minutes of watching and unsuccessfully telling them to stop, Ahsoka sighed and ran a hand over her head. She had two really hot guys fighting. Over her.
Might as well let them.
Ahsoka grinned and took a seat.
TBC...
No Obi-Wan or Anakin (or Mace or Yoda ;D) in this chapter - sorry!! Don't worry, they'll be in the next chapter. With a surprise guest, too! Mwa haha. I'll leave you to guess who it is. :D
- Serena