Irony

By Serena

Setting: AU Clone Wars

Summary: An accident causes Asajj Ventress to have memory loss. And consequently, she falls madly in love with the first man she sets eyes on. Needless to say, the results are humorous. AU.

A/N: For the purposes of this story, I've changed Ahsoka's age to 18. Rex will be 23.

Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue.

CHAPTER NINE: "Here's Lookin' At You, Rex"

"FABIO! GET YOUR BUTT OVER HERE!"

"HEY, TIGHTPANTS! MOVE IT!"

"I… WANT… HAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRR!"

"GET A ME A OUTTA HERE A!"

Needless to say, the Facial With Fabio ™ wasn't going as splendidly as Fabio hoped. These crazy women were well, just plan crazy. And nuts, they were nuts, too. Not to mention downright insane. And whacko. And sadistic. And scary. And frightening. And terrorizing.

He bet even the Sith Lord himself would be running away screaming for his life. That is, if he even knew what a Sith Lord was. The only words in poor Fabio's vocabulary had to do with evading crazy women and hair and facial products, as well as a few cheesy pickup lines, such as:

"I forgot my number. Can I have yours?"

And "I'm so handsome, aren't I? If you were my girlfriend, I'd look even better."

And Fabio's personal favorite: "You should go out with me. I'm hot."

Strangely enough, none of those pickup lines had worked successfully before. And the last two had earned him some slaps.

He just didn't get it.

At the moment, though, poor Fabio was just trying to stay alive. The Crazy Senator Lady™ was bossing him around like there was no tomorrow, ordering him to do everything at once, the Crazy Blue Lady™ wouldn't stop kicking him whenever he came near, and the Crazy Tattoo Dragon Lady™ wouldn't stop bawling about her hair, or lack thereof.

Fabio was really considering going back into modeling business after this whole disaster was over.

Three hours later and one shaking facial man later, artificial tan machines that would give them a healthy glow were warming the three women. A green paste covered their faces, and strange green vegetables covered their eyes. Fabio hoped that he'd fully removed the tattoos from the Crazy Tattoo Dragon Lady's™ face, or otherwise he knew he was as good as dead.

And unfortunately, every time he tried to sneak out, the Crazy Blue Lady™ hurled him across the room. She even locked the doors.

"You're not going anywhere," the Crazy Senator Lady With the Strange Hairdos™ growled, "until we make sure you did a good job."

"That's right," the Crazy Blue Lady™ snarled.

"Want… hair," Asajj muttered in her sleep.

Fabio was now looking at the windows for a possible escape route.

"Don't EVEN!" Aayla screeched as he started to tiptoe towards the windows. "I'll RIP YOU APART, I SWEAR!"

Then, the doorbell rang.

"WHAT IS IT!?" all three ladies screamed at once. Asajj giggled after.

"It's Chancellor Palpatine," said a startled voice from the comlink.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"I was in the neighborhood and wanted to personally deliver a message to the Senator…" Palaptine seemed even less certain now. "But I can come back later," he hastily added.

"UGH! STUPID MEN!" Padme snarled. She sat up and marched to her door, shoving poor Fabio out of the way, and opened the door. Palpatine's eyes widened at her green face. "What are you staring at?" she barked.

"N-nothing," stammered Palpatine. "Um, here are the reports…"
Padme whisked the datapad away from his hands, smiled brightly, and said, "Have a good day, Chancellor! Won't you come in for…"

But Palpatine had already bolted for the lift and was scrambling inside.

Padme shrugged and said, "Fine. Be that way." She caught Fabio trying to sneak out, yanked him by the collar, and dragged him back inside. "Where the KRIFF do you think YOU'RE GOING!?"

Fabio whimpered. "Don't a kill a me a!" he begged. "Please don't a, Crazy Senator Lady With The Strange Hairdos!"

Padme's eyes narrowed. "What did you just call me?"

Fabio gulped. "Oh snap a."

"Hey, Obster!" Anakin jogged towards his master.

Obi-Wan threw him a dirty look. "What did you just call me?"

"Obster."

"Don't call me that."

"Sure thing, Wannie."

"Don't call me that, either."

"Okey-dokey, Kenobster."

"Not THAT, either, Anakin."

"You're no fun."

"You're immature."

"That's my middle name."

"I thought it was annoying."

"Hardy har har. I bet yours is Party-Pooper. Obi-Wan Party-Pooper Kenobi."

"I bet yours is Anakin Pest Skywalker."

"Now who's immature?"

"Well, at least it's not my middle name."

"It's not my middle name! My middle name is Kevin."

"It's what?"

"No, no, I'm kidding. It's Stacey."

"What?!"

"No, seriously. It's Sith."

"Stop kidding."

"… I'm not."

Obi-Wan stared at him. "Your name is Anakin Sith Skywalker?"

"No, my full name is Anakin Vader Sith Strangle Luke I Am Your Father Hoo-Pahh Skywalker."

Obi-Wan blinked. "It is?"

"Yep," said Anakin cheerfully. "Blame my mom. She likes long middle names. Her name is Shmi Ivan Katrina Bobba Tonia Cyclone Storm Desert Twister- "

"I think I get it," Obi-Wan interrupted, holding up a hand. "Now, was there a reason you wanted to talk to me? I'm waiting for Asajj to return. Padme called."

"Ooh! She did? What did she say? Did she mention me? Where does she want to meet me for dinner? I hope she didn't complain about the bed. I just don't like making it. It's boring. And tedious. And it's not something a husband should do – that should be the wife's job."

"What?" Obi-Wan demanded.

Anakin stopped rambling and stammered, growing red, "Uh, I meant, uh, making the bed is not something a… a… uh… shavit." He couldn't of anything that rhymed with "husband."

Obi-Wan folded his arms over his chest. "Something you want to tell me, Anakin?" he asked testily.

Anakin looked away. "Er… no," he muttered. "But hey – have you seen my Padawan? I thought I saw her go this way."

"No, I haven't."

"Hmm…" Anakin scratched his head. "She's been acting so strange lately. Ever since we got back, she's been evading me."

"I wonder why," Obi-Wan said dryly.

"Yeah, me too." Anakin seemingly didn't pick up on the sarcastic hint.

"I mean, who wouldn't want to avoid you?"

"Yeah, me too – wait, what?"

Obi-Wan couldn't hide a grin. "Nothing."

Anakin opened his mouth to make a very witty retort, but then, he paused. "Do you hear that?"

Obi-Wan frowned. "Yes, I do. It sounds like chanting."

"It's coming from the cafeteria," Anakin said, jogging towards the cafeteria doors. "C'mon."

The two entered the cafeteria to find a crowd (all women) huddled in the cafteria, chanting things like "Kill him!" "Get him, Rex!" "Kick his butt, Galan!" "Go!", and "DESTROY THE WORM!"

Oddly enough, most of them were shouting "GO, REX!"

Anakin glanced at Obi-Wan. "Did they just say 'Rex'?"

"I'm not sure I want to know."

The two pushed through the crowd until they came to the center. In the small circle, the two found Rex and a nineteen-year old Padawan fighting it out. Actually, that wasn't the right word for it. Rex was really kicking the Padawan's sorry butt. The Padawan swung out with a fist, but Rex grabbed his hand and twisted it behind his back. The Padawan groaned. Rex pushed the Padawan to the ground and set a boot on his chest.

"Give up," Rex snarled.

"N-never," the Padawan coughed out.

Ahsoka, who was sitting on a table in the circle, raised an eyebrow. "Look, Galan, you can be heroic, but don't be stupid," she said.

"One last time," Rex warned, "Give up."

The Padawan glared at him. "Fine."

Rex shoved him into the ground, and the women cheered wildly. The Padawan burst into tears and slinked off into the crowd. Rex came up to Ahsoka, who narrowed her eyes, took off his helmet, and bowed, holding out Galan's lightsaber as a trophy.

"Awwwww…" sighed the audience collectively.

Ahsoka scowled at the Captain. But when the audience started chanting, "Take it, take it, take it!" she hesitantly reached out and took the saber hilt from the Captain and was graced with the widest grin she'd ever seen on the clone.

She blushed cherry red.

Anakin and Obi-Wan stared at the scene in horrified fascination, and unsurprisingly, Anakin was the first to speak.

"What the kriff?"

Ahsoka's head whirled to face him. She paled now and quickly put down the lightsaber, the scowl returning to her face. Rex put his helmet back on, and she shot him a glare. "Great. Thanks," she snapped.

Rex's shoulders slumped.

Suddenly, Ahsoka grinned a devilish grin as she turned to Obi-Wan and Anakin. "Hey!" she yelled, standing up on the table. "Obi-Wan and Anakin are going to spar next door – with their shirts off!"

All the ladies gasped and screamed. Obi-Wan and Anakin paled and exchanged horrified glances.

"I say it's time to beat a hasty retreat, Obi-Wan," Anakin said, alarmed as the women rushed towards them.

"For once, I agree with you."

TBC...

No Mace or Yoda ;D in this chapter - but a lot of Fabio :D!! I guess I forgot about the surprise guest - well, I guess it can be Palpy. The real surprise guest will be in the next chapter. Sowwy. :D

- Serena