A/N: So I decided to combine the last two chapters into one glorious finale! WARNING - This chapter contains self harm and suicide. Don't like? Don't read. As always, I don't own Torchwood and if I did, this chapter definately wouldn't happen on the show.

Enjoy!

'To be honest Ianto, Owen was right, you were never more than a part time shag.'

What is there left to live for? I have nothing, no family, no life, no job. No job worth doing anyway, not with Jack as my boss.

Jack – his name sounds vulgar now yet my stomach still flips when I think about him. I still love him but I also hate him, so very much. Mostly, though, I hate myself for loving him. He's my employer, offices romances never work and especially with our job. He's immortal for crying out loud! I was so stupid thinking this could have worked.

It's not that he doesn't want me, I could deal with that. It's that he lied to me for so long and now he's taken away all my hope and without hope, what is there to live for?

Ianto was sat alone in his flat, none of the team had come to see if he was alright, none of them. Everyday Ianto would be ignored or rejected and it was a constant reminder of how useless he was, how worthless his life seemed to others.

These past months, when he's been away, I've lived in hope that he would come back to me. But there is no point anymore yet somehow I don't want to die – I just want a symbol to show myself that all hope is lost. I want it to hurt, I need to feel this symbol of failure.

There's a knife, in the kitchen. I know it but I am torn, whether I get it or sit here longer. Sitting here, it's as if time is standing still and I am scared that if I move the spell will be broken and I will be hurled back into the pain of the real world.

Ianto stood, after what felt like an age, and walked to the kitchen and back. He was hardly aware of himself or his surroundings. It would probably be more appropriate to say he floated along. The first he knew, anyway, was later, after it was getting dark, when Ianto looked down and saw the blade of an average kitchen knife glinting in the moonlight coming through the open window.

All I need to do, would it make anything better. The rational part of me is saying it won't but it feels so right. I want this, I need this. I need to hurt myself, that'll show Jack. Bastard that he is, but if it is the truth then maybe he will feel sorry for me when, if, he finds out I've done what I'm about to do. If he's capable of emotions that is.

And without thinking, hardly aware of the deed, Ianto brought the blade sharply across his forearm leaving behind a trail of… slightly irritated skin.

No! This isn't right. Why is there no blood? There should be blood, I've seen enough films to know there should be blood. It should be easy – first time. I have to try again.

Ianto brought the blade down and traced the previous line again but, same as last time, there was not a speck of blood peeking through.

Why? Why can I not do this. I'll tell you why, I'm too scared, too fucking scared to mark myself properly. IT'S MY BODY, I SHOULD BE ABLE TO DO WHAT I LIKE WITH IT. WHY WON'T YOU BLEED?

In a fit of rage from Ianto, the knife found itself being hurled across the room, embedding itself in the wall. There was minutes of just shouting before Ianto resigned himself to the floor and wept. Through the tears Ianto glimpsed the handle protruding from the wall.

I could have another go, I will make it work this time. It has to.

With new found strength and determination Ianto wrenched the knife from the wall and again traced the red line he despised so much. As he brought it away he saw, to his delight, one end of the cut had a pinprick of shiny red liquid poking through. Ianto was euphoric.

Yes, finally! All I need to do now is deepen it, shape it and extend it. This small prick is the start of the first letter of an amazing, awful word. This will form 'hope'.

Seeing that small beacon of hope gave Ianto a new enthusiasm as he set back to work. Soon, the cut had been shaped and deepened into a small 'H'. The pain, at first, brought Ianto out of his little trance but as soon as he saw the hypnotic flow immerging from him, he was back under.

He was so much hypnotised by his actions that Ianto hardly noticed his phone beeping though as soon as he realised that the text he had received was from Jack he stopped, dropping everything he was doing to read the few words his lover, 'Ex-lover' he thought bitterly.

Message received from Jack:

'I'm sorry Ianto I really am sorry. I've been so stupid, I was scared of what I feel for you. I meant it when I said I loved you, ages ago now. I was just running from the truth. I'm sorry.'

Yeah right Ianto laughed at the absurdity of it all I know that isn't true. He wouldn't have said those things unless they were true. I saw into his eyes… he meant it all right. That message was probably from Gwen, trying to cheer me up. It won't work, I know I'm worthless. I have to finish what I started.

And so he did. Carefully cutting, long into the night, until the 'hope' stood out bright against his pale skin. It was a glorious sight by the early morning light of dawn.

He isn't here, if he cared, if he really cared, he would be here now, against all odds to save me from myself. But I don't need saving. I have this beautiful pattern, forever a part of me. It's not enough though. What if I didn't stop? What if I kept on going? Eternal darkness, rest. It doesn't seem like a bad idea. It's better than staying here to witness my own failure. I'll show Jack. I will show him what he meant to me and when he finds my body, though I don't know how long it will take him to notice I am gone, It will tear him apart with guilt. Just like he ruined me with rejected love. With lost hope.

I need more blood, I want to die.

With his final effort, Ianto stood and calmly placed himself before the front door. The door way to an other world he smiled to himself quite fitting really.

Ianto controlled his breathing, tasting the oxygen for the last time, happy that this was the end. Must be the end, I couldn't bear it if it wasn't.

'Hope, saviour of us all, destroyer of many. I love you Jack, forever, and I'm sorry for it.'

And with his final words spoken, Ianto took up the knife and ended it.

As he lay dying on the floor, Ianto Jones saw Jack, his lover, crouching beside him looking so very worried. But Jack wasn't really there, the dying man told himself as he was too far gone and in too much pain to know what was and what wasn't real. And, deciding the image of his lover was just a hallucination, Ianto Jones let out his final breath and died – alone.

A/N: So, I left it up to you to decide whether Jack really was scared or just a bastard. Hope you liked it and please review.

Many thanks, Fi3fi3