VII.

I could feel the dawn coming. I leaned against the stone coffin facing toward the east, sitting on the ground, which was even colder than I was, trying to decide whether or not to get in. Part of me just wanted to wait for the sun to come up one final time. I wondered how badly it would hurt. Could it be any worse than the way I felt at present: lost, alone, and utterly miserable? Everything had turned out wrong and I really didn't know how to even begin making it better. I thought of all the pros and cons. On the pro side, I'd be at peace, and even if finding that peace hurt like hell, it would be final. I wouldn't be causing anyone any trouble and I wouldn't have to deal with the consequences of my choices anymore. On the con side, my family might spend years wondering what happened and worry that I was maybe still out there hiding somewhere. They wouldn't have closure. Plus, some part of me realized, in spite of whatever issues I had with Eric, that it would be very hard on Eric when he felt it, though since I was west of Louisiana, he might not be aware of it at the actual time. Could it wake him from his 'sleep'? Maybe. I worried it might even be painful to him. In spite of everything, I didn't want to do anything to cause him pain. I'd tried to completely shut down my connection to him, but I was certain he hadn't done the same. On the other hand, at least it would bring it to a sense of closure for him. And he could probably assure Jason and everyone else that I was really gone. I felt bad about Pam. I would have wanted to say goodbye. But she'd just try to talk me out of it.

I went over it in my mind. Reasons not to meet the sun: Jason, Pam, Claudine and other good friends who shouldn't be left wondering. Hurting Eric. Reasons to wait for sunrise: peace, resolution, freedom and I'm already dead anyway, so why the hell not? I could just get it over with. My eyes filled with tears and I rose and pushed the heavy lid off the stone coffin and climbed inside. Even after cleaning it and pushing the bones to one end, it was disgusting. I hated the smell. I'd do it for one more day. I lifted the lid slightly and guided it back into place. Tomorrow night I could try to sit down and write to Jason, Pam and Claudine and explain. I really couldn't see doing it without some kind of attempt to explain it to them. It would just be too selfish. But I knew it would be hard for them to accept. What could I possibly say to Eric? This was all a big mistake? I'm too broken to fix, so let's forget about it? I simply can't stand having you in my head? If I thought you were too controlling before, this is enough to drive me totally insane? I felt the heavy ache and fatigue of the rising sun even inside the dusty and grungy darkness of the stone coffin. I tried to imagine living like this, resting in a stone coffin or in buried in the ground for hundreds of years. I really didn't know how vampires in prior centuries managed. But as I died for the day, I had a vague sense of not giving up. It was like there had been a strong pull from a thin silken thread. Not exactly a lifeline. Or was it? It was that slender golden thread that was keeping me going. In a subtle way, it called to me.

Earlier the Same Night, Pam's thoughts

I really don't think he realized he was hurting her. She was just like a raw nerve when she awoke. When I consider how she was when I just touched her… Truly like a raw nerve. She could brush away the call at a distance but when he was right there, trying to get into her head… thinking about the fact that she's a telepath, I guess it had to have hurt, didn't she say things were unbearably loud in her mind? But I never would have thought about it until it was too late, either. And this business of teleporting? Who knew? Like something out of a vampire movie, not real life. But with what Eric and her grandfather discussed, it makes sense, with the fae blood and all. The turn sometimes enhances what was there… and her mind was already so sharp and attuned to so much. She'd had his blood for so many years, it must have been preserving everything, and then the turn itself heightens the senses so. Really, I really can't imagine what she's been going through. We should have thought this through better. She's right. She wasn't completely human. It was like we just ignored that point. We never even considered it! We're the vampires. If she was going to be turned, why didn't we think about it in greater depth? We let her down. I let her down. Eric loves her, but let's face it. So much of his understanding of Sookie has originated in my understanding of Sookie. He's been the one to use the information so skillfully, but for years, I've tried to help him understand her. How could we have missed the obvious?

The facts as they stand right now, no matter how we look at it, are that it's been a disaster. Eric's right. Sure I can say that if Eric had been gentler, more patient, more circumspect that night… but Eric is Eric and she's so damn difficult at times. And he's right- for security reasons, she needs to answer his call. I can understand his losing his temper. Hell, I've lost my temper with her how many times in the last decade when she wouldn't do what I want? She always questions everything you ask her to do. She was really out of it that night, though. She looked so confused, even if she could focus on reading her email. How could she not have realized how she got into her office? I mean, it was like she awoke half there mentally. I'm sure she'll be fine with more blood, but really she was in a confused fog that night.

Eric's been so sullen since Niall left tonight. If Niall can't find her anymore what are we going to do? Now he's even worse on the phone with Roberto. The look on his face… Is she really in Vegas when she had just been in Banff earlier in the evening? How will we ever keep up with her? He's threatening to do what to Roberto? Is Roberto holding her or something? Oh Eric is so angry…What does he think Roberto… Oh, I see what he must be thinking… She is valuable. Who wouldn't want to have Sookie around to claim use of her abilities. What? Silver? Did he actually say silver? They have got to be kidding. No! She'll never come back if they try to hurt her! Good, he realizes that. Look at him. I have never seen Eric like this in the entire time I have known him. He is so far beyond anger into some other place... I don't even know where he is mentally. He barely even read everything I had him signing earlier. I've never seen him do that in all the time I've known him. Well, I don't blame him. I'd always worried she could come to harm if he pushed it, but now, ironically, even with her choice, it's been a disaster. We always think of turning someone as such a normal, easy thing. Would I ever chance it with Tan after seeing this? He can stay warm and grow old. Sure he's just a regular human, but I couldn't bear it if I killed him and it ended in anything even remotely similar to this. Eric's right- it's just inconceivable. Could she really just leave… and not even say goodbye to me? I feel how dark her emotions are… so dark. She better not do anything stupid. No, I just don't think she will. I can nudge her conscience and she'll hang in there. She has to. She owes me. She owes me for making me care about her so much. As soon as I see her again, I'm going to remind her of what I've had to put up with for the past decade. Not just from her, but from the two of them. So she had better just settle it down and find a way to cope… I am not letting her of the hook. She needs to see it will all be fine. We will be laughing about this in a few decades. Well, maybe a century or two. What now? Look at his face…

Eric looked at her soberly, with his hand at his brow and said,

"You're going to Vegas during the day. We have to make the arrangements quickly. You're staying at the Nights until further notice. He's not sure when she's going back." He picked up his laptop and started typing rapidly. "I'll tell them to contact Tan for arranging the Anubis pickup."

"What do you want me to do if she shows up, Eric? What am I supposed to do?"

"First, you talk to her. Get her calmed down. Blame me for the whole thing. I really don't care what the hell you have to tell her. Just follow your instincts and get her to calm down. Second, you keep Roberto away from her. Because he'd happily keep her there. He's lying to himself about how interested he is in this little opportunity. He'll wear her down because she's always liked him and she's so damn naïve. She's the ultimate asset in his mind. I don't even want to think about it." He slammed his fist down on the desk leaving a dent in the hardwood.

He rose from his desk and they left the office.

Could he actually think that Roberto could take Sookie away from him with her agreement? Now who's got a screw loose? I can see Roberto seducing her about as easily as I'd be able to. No matter how confused Sookie is, she's not that far gone. I wonder if I should tell him that I still feel her. That I've felt her ever since that time I gave her some of my blood when we had that car accident two years ago. I was always been so worried about how angry he might get, even though it was me giving her the blood when she'd really gotten hurt. I don't think she ever told him. Such a secretive girl, at times, that Sookie. But I still feel her, even now, I guess because my blood is really partly his. And I know that she's still open to me through that slender tie. I know that even if she's doing badly that she still clings to it. I feel it. It might give him reassurance. But given that he's all over the thing with Roberto, maybe he'd take it wrong and say we were doing things behind his back. Really, Eric takes 'mine' to a whole other realm with her.

"Alright. Good. I can truthfully tell her you were behaving like an idiot and even smile when I say it. But really Eric, she may like Roberto and even think he's attractive, but she loves you. He's married to her friend on top of it. I just really think you're off the deep end with the jealousy thing this time. She's too recently human to have bailed on her morals. Besides, I think her morals, sadly, may be too deeply ingrained to be lost or diminshed. I don't see her becoming more playful very easily. I've told you that before, recall? So I think you should just put that whole thing out of your mind. I bet you that nothing like that will ever happen. We just need to get her to understand you both just overreacted and that you certainly didn't realize that you were really hurting her. That's all. It was a misunderstanding."

He grabbed my upper arm and held me firmly. "You don't understand the situation Pam. She left her rings. Her wedding and engagement rings. When she came back and took her wallet, she left all her joint credit cards, all her jewelry, including the rings. Does that sound to you as if she was feeling like it was a mere misunderstanding? Does it? This is not just jealousy. Think of it from his standpoint. She's an attractive asset every way you look at it and he has a long history of lying to himself about his motivations for his emotional involvements because he's so fucking cerebral he has to justify everything. You can't even imagine the fucked up stuff he told himself about his motivations to marry the Were. Political correctness and all kinds of bullshit. He will tell himself he's trying to 'secure her' just to screw her if she stays there for any length of time and will get her into even more of a fucked up state of mind. You keep him away from her. I don't care what you have to do. I don't care if he's a King, I don't give a damn. He doesn't touch her. Clear? You let me know when she's there and I'll come and wait until you think she's in a reasonable frame of mind. Don't even try to tell her that she should talk to me if you think that she's going to panic and run. Your only job is to keep her safely localized and to prevent him from getting too close to her."

"Fine, Eric. Fine," I said nodding my head. I was a little taken aback about the part of leaving her wedding and engagement rings. Perhaps she had taken it a bit worse than I'd realized, then. Or maybe she interpreted his manner as rejecting her? Because she certainly was not someone likely to just bail on a marriage. She was very old fashioned that way. Jason was already on his third marriage and she just thought it was appalling. She took her commitments very seriously. Could Roberto really try to steal her? She'd worked for him for eight years and he was certainly, other than perhaps Stan, one of Sookie's biggest proponents. Having her 'in-house' would certainly be advantageous. I could see Eric's concerns but somehow my money was still on our little telepath. Every time I thought that Sookie didn't see something, didn't get something or missed some point, she had proven me wrong. Subtly, because she was in some respects so cautious now. Ever since that whole thing where she had been kidnapped for that Dieter. All her dealings with the Fae. She was so circumspect after that. And that was before the whole law school thing.

Eric looked lost in thought as we headed to the main area of the house. It was very close to dawn. Suddenly he said,

"Did you hear what the Sheriff in Edmonton told me? That she registered with him under the name Hadley Savoy?"

I froze. "The cousin? She registered in the cousin's name?" This was not good, no matter what spin I put on it. That cousin signified everything that was wrong with being turned in her mind.

"Yes," he said, as we headed up the stairs.

Where is Tan? Where the fuck was the man when I needed him? Probably asleep like some miserable human lump of flesh that I've thought about marrying. Now I'm really distressed. Now Eric has finally done it. Tan had better be in that bed and not off doing some stupid morning salutation yoga or tai chi at dawn shit. I need him. This is such a fucking disaster! The cousin's name! How could she be using the cousin's name?

"Fuck," I said, practically spitting out the word.

He turned to me and was too upset to even smile at my cursing. "My thoughts, exactly," he replied.

When I got to the room I stripped off my clothes and headed toward the secure bedroom space. Before I entered, I grabbed my Blackberry and sent her an email. She was checking her email according to what Eric had heard from Liesel and Roberto.

Sookie Stackhouse,

Listen to me my little telepathic friend. You are being a miserable pain in the ass by not even calling me to let me know you are okay. You owe me, Sookie, for a decade of having to deal with all your human bullshit so graciously. You better call me, or at least write me back, because I am getting very, very annoyed. We have an agreement you and I. We have a life apart from all this political crap and even apart from Eric. If you try to do anything rash without talking to me face to face, I will be totally pissed.

Call me or at least respond to me in some fashion.

I am not fond of you, because right now I don't like the way you're acting. But I love you. There. Is that good enough for you? Respond.

Pam

I pushed send and hoped that she could imagine my saying it to her face. Really, I just couldn't believe how she could push a person to the absolute limit.

I punched the code into the scanner and let it scan my palm. As the door swung open, I was relieved to see Tan asleep in the bed.

Good. I could hug him even while he slept. He'd be none the wiser.


Dawn, Eric's thoughts

As Eric settled himself in their bed, his mind turned to the fateful night she rose. What the hell was it that had made her so afraid? He had probably hurt her arm. Pam had him convinced of that, and Stan had told him that when he had been turned he had had some hypersensitivity issues initially, even though he couldn't 'hear' anyone anymore. But this was beyond hypersensitivity. Something he had done had frightened her, not just hurt her. He was sure of it. Frightened her enough so that she effectively had left him. He played through the scene in her office again, walking in, grabbing her, and pushing into her mind to try to see how she had… Pushing his mind, his thoughts, his voice into her head was what seemed to have really frightened her… but what was it about getting into her head like that that could have been too much for her? …Having someone in her head… in her mind… He stiffened. No… Dieter? Fuck! What I did to her was like what Dieter did to her eight years ago! he said to himself. She awoke new and, from all indications, extremely hypersensitive. Yet he had done something to her that was essentially similar to what Dieter had… he was in her mind, trying to control her. From her perspective, trying to seize control of her when she was weakened and vulnerable. Perhaps he had tried to control her, but only to make her feed, and because he needed to understand what was so different in her mind and how she got into that office. But the means… the means… Clearly he had triggered all her memories of what Dieter had done to her. Normally, he was sure she would have fought back mentally, and she had really, by pushing away his call to her, when he was at a distance. But when he had been right there with her, from all indications she was too weak. Instead, she just pulled away from him entirely and disappeared. But surely she could see that his intent was not to harm her? Or could she? Pam had always warned him that Sookie thought vampires were very violent. Could she have actually thought he would hurt her? He had been angry. But still. The thought just left him speechless. She had really thought he would hurt her? Then he realized he was missing the obvious point. He already was hurting her by what he was doing at that moment. He just hadn't realized it. Pam was right. He'd hurt her. He closed his eyes and shook his head. This was such a fucking disaster. He'd hurt her, frightened her... The only chance he had to fix things was to let her read him to see that nothing could have been further from his intentions. But to do that, he'd have to be near her. He had to see her. To touch her. She had to see that it was all a misunderstanding, just as Pam said. His mistake, her misinterpretation of his actual intentions.

The dawn weighed heavily on him. He could smell her scent everywhere in their room. He wouldn't lie to himself like that fucking asshole. She was not an asset. She was his partner, his mate. Usually he let pain just be anger. But not with her. He ached with missing her. It was now the longest they had been apart since they had married. He flashed on thoughts of her face, laughing playfully with him… her seriousness when she had been studying, the curve of her neck when her head was bent over her books… the great pride he felt watching her work as a liaison and seeing the immense respect she commanded within the Alliance… her eyes locked on his when they made love. He closed his eyes and tried to sense her. But it seemed that she had somehow managed to block so much of their bond. She was so skilled.. that mind of hers was so clever. How had she managed to figure it out to block him out when she was not even days old? Where was she? Where was she spending her days? Was she safe? How long before…

His mind simply shut down as the sun rose higher.