I own nothing as always. Only Kassia. Hope u enjoy this chapter. ;) The trial is in the next one.
Chapter 2: Thoughts
"Kassia, Kassia." And just like that, I let her voice fade away, with only one gruesome thought. He was here now and I could see him. A million thoughts coursed, rummaged throughout my brain. Could I have saved him that night? Would it have been better if it had just been me? I wasn't so sure of anything anymore. It's true to the core though. You never think something can ever happen to you until it does. Then once it happens, nothing seems real. Everyone accepts that with that statement the person or persons are in a deeply excessive state of mind.
But me, well I guess you say that's true. I'm haunted with the memory of Brendan's death. I hated him so much even though he was my brother and sometimes when I wasn't looking, I could picture him as the brother that Luke and I so desperately needed him to be. Sure, we wanted it, but did we need it, hell yes we did! In a foggy state, I could see Brendan Hume. Letting light on someone else. Some knew he was a cock ass, but behind closed doors, they didn't know how bad it could be, or wanting any escape. I feel like I should have saved him, but I feel like whoever would have done it, I'd just like to hug. And it scares me at what Brendan has made me think.
I was raised to care about others, but him. It killed me to say that I loved him, I loved my stupid ass of a brother with all my heart and it hurts me. I'm angry as to why he was gone. Angry he got off so easily. Angry that he's left and even bigger light on himself by dying. I can't understand any of it. It's too much for my head to comprehend. Mixed emotions and Lucas feels them to. As bad, as I want to I know I can't protect him anymore. But if someone ever hurt my brother, or murdered him, then Luke's killer would have wished he had shot himself to hell when he had the chance. I just hope no matter what happens Luke stays safe…
I feel a little cold now, the lights are bright here. Some dim, some blinding masses. I feel as tired as one person should feel within the lifetime. I just want someone to really hold me right now before I loose it. I thought about what happened if it were me to die and I feel lucky. Leaving Luke would be something unforgivable. Sure mom loves us both, but now I'm sure she only sees us half way. I wouldn't want Luke to leave me, even thought we understand what it feels like, it doesn't make anything feel better at all. I live for him and for some future when I can finally breathe. Almost four more months left…
Lost of sounds are coming from here. Kellian has told me that one time I would cut it would go to deep and then what? In truth, I didn't know. Everyone pictures there own death and denial makes it all that much more real.
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"Just tell me is she going to be all right?" Mom screamed.
I went to rest my hand on her shoulder, but she just walked off, what more could she have done other than shoving me or shrugging it off. Kassia is finally getting well-deserved attention. I hope she's ok; my face hasn't been straight since we got here. Two nights in the hospital in two days. Nice fucking record. I listen to the doctor speak and watch as my Dad looks off into the distance. Caring doesn't seem like a good enough act for him to even try and put on anymore. I can't stop thinking about Brendan now. Even in death, he's a stupid ass star! I just wish more than anything that this would all stop. My parents have hollow stones forming in the pits of their eyes and my Dad he just looks dead. I'm starting to think of why earth is so round when nothing is, but straight in it.
"Sir." The doctor speaks, walking out and shaking my mom's hand. The same one in blue scrubs from two nights ago. The one that spoke "We did all we could, I'm sorry but your son didn't survive. I'm sorry we lost him." And I wonder if doctors practice that we lost him or her everyday in the mirror. Sometimes I think even Brendan practiced a speech if Kass or me would die. Maybe he was just hoping. I can't really think of my exact feeling right now. I just want my sister here. Kellian seemed to have run off, some friend she is huh? When the going gets rough, she gets going. But she isn't coming back. I think even Kassia knew that before Brendan even died. Leave your best friend for a permanent New Zealand spot.
New life, stupid ass-holes! Kass only has Rowan now. So much for him, mom and dad deem him unfit. Finally, mom nods. "She's going to be just fine. I had to sedate her, give her something to relax, we did a MRI scan incase the fainting was a result of some scarred tissue or any other case. Just to be on the safe side. She had some lacerations on her right and left arm both, the nurse bandaged those up, I have asked her to include a pamphlet for you all on-" he hesitated. I knew it. Kassia has started hurting herself again.
"S-self inflicted pain and wounds." he finished. Mom's head snapped up immediately and my dad thanked him silently. "She's completely out of it now, but you can take her home and put her to bed. After a day like today I'd say she needs some rest and no school for the rest of the week that would be my recommendation."
"Ok." Mom nodded a slight sniffle to her tone.
She looked to my Dad as he shook his head. "Cutting my daughter is a cutter? Is this family basking in the glow of negative attention." he slammed his hand onto the wall beside him, causing my mom to lash out, which surprised me.
"Nick if she's in trouble we need to help her."
"The only damn trouble that girl is in is wanting attention. We lost one kid Helen you want to loose another this time?"
She shook her head, backing away and he sighed out. "Honey I'm sorry I didn't mean it that way. It's just been a hard day, let's just get our daughter and go home. We'll sort this out tomorrow, I promise." She nodded and curled up to his shoulder. Dad motioned me with one hand and I sighed walking forward. "I'm going to go get Kass uh Luke just go with you're mom to the car and- and wait there." he demanded, pulling on his tie once, then running his free had through his hair.
"You sure you don't need any help?" Mom asked.
He bit his lip and shook his head. "We've all dealt with hospitals enough the quicker we leave the better."
Mom nodded. "Ok be quick and make sure you cover her it's still raining."
Dad nodded and she just turned. The sound of her heels clicking made known she already walked away. And there I stood as Dad did the same, walking through the double doors, fist clenched at his sides. I looked around being alone in the dimly lit hallway of the third emergency ER wing, with nothing but intercom calls and stiff smells of desensitizing cleaners. A man dressed in a blue jean suit walked down the hallway, throwing his mop onto the floor. His head was bowed but he wore a golden band on his left hand ring finger. Maybe he's as lonely and lost as I am… I heard the scuffling of sneakers.
I turned my head to the side lightly to the left. I saw nothing so I nodded off. Must be the damn stress eating away at me. I leaned head back in a sigh and propped it up against the bulletin board hanging along the green dingy brick wall smashed into the white slab of a paint job. Painting… if only I could paint a picture to just jump into. It sounds childish, bur if everyone in the world denied ever wanting to jump into a painting or the TV, a music video or anything they wanted to a part of then the whole world would be blinded by lies. But that is how it is anyway. Lies are focused as truth if spoken from the right person and the others well they are deemed to eternal lying sin or however the hell, I've heard it.
Nothing in this world will ever be right. If we could all just stop the thoughts from spinning wildly maybe, we would have some peace. I felt a tiny little irritating pain within my left arm. "Ouch." I turned my head to the right and snapped it back. Some guy dressed in dark blue jeans covered from the torn bottoms with mud and water, dark sneakers and a black hoodie with the strings of it tied into his hard face came towards me. My eyes darted back and forth until the person stood up straight and looked at me. I sighed and shook my head. "Rowan?"
He motioned his hands in mid-air for me to keep it quiet. He hissed. "Shh man you gotta be quiet. I don't have much time before pops reprises his role as saint of all things golden." And with that said he pulled the slightly damp hood from his head and looked towards me and came close. He nodded his head to the right and we moved to the side corner of the tiny hallway. He looked to the double doors before licking his bottom lip once and he began speaking. "She all right? What the fuck is going on?"
"She just fainted the doctor said she was fine except for…" I trailed off. I didn't like broadcasting Kass's problem, she's had enough to deal with and I'm not the damn brother that's going to be adding to that list. If Rowan finds out what she's doing again well then who knows what will happen. He looked to me and I didn't have to say much to what my parents call an " inconsiderate dumb ass of a punk who thinks he can run whatever he damn well sees fit to ruin and take", but for all that I think he's pretty damn smart!
"Except for what man? Luke you gotta tell me this shit buddy ok. If anyone is hurting, her please fuckin', tell me, please man! A brother can only do what he can from where he stands." he spoke, looking away and sucking in a deep gust of air. Did he mean my parents making him stay away from Kass or did my senses tell me otherwise? "Lacerations Rowan." I simply spoke, hoping he'd get the unsaid message. He raised his eyebrows at me before he cracked his knuckles against his sides. "Cuts man is that what you mean?"
"Yeah." I nodded, brushing a hand over the back of my neck. "Cuts."
"Mother fucker! I knew it look what went and gone on right behind my fucking nose and she never said a word! Where's Kellian?" he roared, making me step back from the new tight nausea forming in the pit of my stomach.
"Left for New Zealand with her family." I shrugged.
"You mean she left today this very fucking day?" he questioned, pointing his finger to the ground in a violent manner.
"This very fucking day. Some friend." I noticed him look away and walk over looking once through the double doors before running a hand over his slightly shaven head.
"Damn! So she's got no one then?"
"She has me." I belted up, my voice a little louder then I'd anticipated.
He looked to me before sighing. "I know Luke I'm sorry kid, but you gotta look out for her in the meantime all right?"
"Rowan what the hell is going on? Plan on bailing as well?"
"I got my own problems." he simply stated, looking away and scooting back as a nurse pushed her way through in front of us. "I've heard that before." I spat, rolling my eyes. "You go do whatever the fuck you think it is you have to do Rowan, but make sure my sister gets at least a good-bye. And I'm sure you can come up with something heartfelt, you get paid enough for that right." I hissed out lowly, surprised at how I let myself go. His eyes inflamed and he looked to me. But they softened quickly and he patted my shoulder. "I'm not goin' anywhere Luke I just have matters that I need to trim down.
Just take care of ma girl please and take care of yourself." And with that final sentence, he flipped the hood up and turned around. "Hey." I whispered loudly, in a harsh tone. He turned and looked to me expectant. "What matters?" I asked.
With a short and simple statement, he replied. "I've got some family matters to trim down."
I waited a few minutes pondering what Rowan meant. When he barely even spoke of his family, maybe he had a brother once. I guess that's why we all get along so well. Both must have dickey brothers or in my case had a dickey brother. Dad had brought Kassia out just five minutes after and she was covered in his coat. he didn't even say anything, but give me a slight nod as we made our way to the car. The ride home was silent. Mom had her head leaned against the seat, eyes closed like she was almost in a land filled with wishes and dad stayed like the same moronic ass, stone cold now. His hands tightened on the wheel every so often with a slight sigh. That made my mom's hand brush against his every time he would do it.
His eyes stayed blankly on the road. While I kept my head on the cool vibrating glass of the window and I held Kass's head in my lap. She must have had a hefty sedation; she wasn't even flinching in her sleep. Lucky it was so deep. I hope she was escaping things, but I definitely needed her back to talk to.
Not a half an hour later we pulled in, Dad pulled Kass out, and everyone made their way to the house. This was it. Awkward times and now that Brendan is finally buried and gone no one knows what to do, but try and let reality sink in or deny it, which was a mixed formality.
Dad had taken Kass up and put her in her bed, Mom hadn't even bothered to take her shoes or any clothes from the funeral off. So dressed in my dark green pajamas I crept into her room, took of the black heels, and covered her with her red fleece blanket. She moaned once and turned over. I stopped and walked back over before lifting her arm up and pulling her swayed black jacket off and scarf. I tossed over a chair and kissed her forehead. Now what?
-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I was again cold somewhere inside myself, but I saw him I saw Brendan standing beside my bed and he had a long knife in his hand. "You wanna feel what it's like to get cut with this?" And like that, all the blood flowed. It wasn't stopping. Even when I tried getting up and my feet touched the floor stepping in a mass of thick ruby blood. I fell and it was like black was swirling on no edge at all. Then I was up in a white light. "Kass one more time flirting with Davis and I'll punch his fucking balls out!" Brendan yelled. I laughed out. "Nice one hoe-bro like you could stop anything."
"Luke and I could sure." he smiled, putting one arm around Luke. The smile I had wasn't real because this wasn't a real memory it never happened. I was seeing things through a window again, a dark window with no ending to it, no light and never any rain. But the blood seeped right by my feet and I looked and there it was down the hospital floor all over the casket. No, no! "No stop it stop it no! Brendan!" I screamed, but sound was like a hit wave and striked me with a violent heat wave and I was back someone has grabbed me up.
"No. No." I cried out. "Help him someone please make this all stop."
"Shh honey its ok, stop please it's all right."
It was Mom's voice, she had actually come and was cradling me as dad stood frozen to the doorway and Luke beside him. He just walked off and Luke bowed his head sadly. She hugged me with force. "Why is all this real?" I cried out.
She didn't respond, but Luke left the room. Once my crying had died down, she left. I didn't feel like changing so I just took off everything, but my panties and bra as the door was closed. I laid there in my bed and listened to them talk.
"You go put that animal in jail." Mom spoke.
I heard footsteps following and I knew it was Luke who was crying, but when I leaned up I couldn't go to him now and I knew it. I couldn't let my little brother see I was falling apart inside. So I reached over and grabbed the tiny silver pen out of the nightstand and as the rain beat down and I heard Luke's cries start, I dug that pin deep into my skin. The trial is tomorrow and I plan on going there. With that final thought, I tossed the pen into the draw without wiping it off and curled up to nothing, but the fleece. If only I'd have known that, I only had two more nights with this fleece.
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