I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. All I could do was look at her. Even after all this time, I couldn't be angry at her. In fact I couldn't feel anything but the hole in my heart stretching and ripping to pieces. I had for a long time pondered what it would be like if she came back. Even if it was for a second, what would it do to me? I had known that it would be painful, but I never expected anything like this. This was unbearable.
Slowly I closed my eyes and tried once again to free myself from the pole I was taped to. I could feel my body screaming for me to stop because of my injuries, but I couldn't. My movements became frantic the more I struggled with the tape. And soon I was hyperventilating. I had to escape from this. I couldn't handle being around her and she hasn't even said anything yet.
It felt like a war-zone in my mind; a part of me wanted to get out and run up to her and never let her go. To forgive everything and beg her to take me with her or for her to stay with me, but the other part; the betrayed part, wished I could hurt her as much as she hurt me, that I could hurt them like they have never been hurt; but that part of me was a lie; literally the last defense of my heart before the pain killed me.
I lifted up my eyes slowly, looking towards her. She hadn't moved since I last saw her. She seemed to be in an argument with herself about something; probably whether or not to release me from the poll, maybe she had come back only to torture me some more. And maybe, just maybe she had come back for me.
A soft breeze rustled the trees around me, and I stopped. For the shortest of seconds I could smell the faint scent of Alice's skin. Despite the ragging pain in my heart I couldn't help but sigh happily. It was like having that first taste of cocaine after abstaining from it for a week. Nothing could compare to it.
But as soon as it came, it left with the wind. And soon all I could feel was the pain threatening to swallow me whole. It was impossible, why would she come back for me? If I wasn't good enough for them to bother with in the first place, what made me think I was important enough to come back to? The truth of the situation nearly killed me, the pain was everywhere, and the realization that I was worth nothing was slowly slicing me in half. I fought viciously with the tape in hopes that my arms would go free so that I could try and hold myself together, but the tape held tight.
The pain was almost unbearable now, and in a panic I did the only thing that came to mind, I lifted my head and screamed. All the pain I was feeling inside was now surrounding me crushing my heart. Only after my lungs burned and my throat became sore, did I finally stop screaming.
I dropped my head and sniffed lightly wishing I could wipe the tears that were now steadily streaming down my cheeks. Before I knew what was happening a pale white hand slowly brushed the tears off my cheeks, and then I was freed. I quickly drew my knees up and curled into a tight ball. I didn't know what to do. The second her hand met my skin, it was like an electric shock went through my body calming me down.
Alice was still only feet away from me; I looked out into the dark wondering what happened to Mark. I was angry, why couldn't he have been a little stronger and rid me of this pain?
"Anna… I…" Alice stumbled. Out of all the time I had ever heard her speak. I had never heard her stumble. I hardly cared at the time though, her voice was just as soft as I remembered, and the now strained musical voice was like the song written on my heart from another time, a happier past. I couldn't help but smile.
"I shouldn't have come." Alice chastised herself when she saw my clearly unresponsive state in-front of her. She stood up and dusted her clothes off lightly. Was she going to leave? A sudden panic gripped my heart as I screamed.
"No! Please don't leave me again; I can't do that again, I won't. I know you hate me, and that you wish you never knew me, I don't know if guilt made you come back and 'save' me but please, if you have any mercy in you at all… kill me. Right now, kill me and save me from having to do it myself. Please. I can't do this again." I begged, I was trying to get up now and finally when I did I went over towards her and slowly, with shaky fingers, lifted up my sweater so she could get to my wrist.
She gasped quietly when she saw my arm. Grabbing it gently she lifted the sweater all the way up, almost to the shoulder. Besides the large purple and black bruises from Mark, there were also hundreds of white scars and angry pink lines running across my arm. I was never proud of my addiction to cutting myself, but when that was all you have to survive, you do everything in your power to get it done.
"What did we do…?" Alice sobbed, pulling my sleeve down again.
"What are you doing?" Did she actually care about me? I shook my head, of course not. "Who cares…? I'm fine, or at least I will be" I lifted my sleeve to my elbow again and pushed my arm towards her. "Please."
She looked me in the eye grabbing my arm and firmly pulled my sleeve down again. "I'm not going to kill you Anna, I refuse." She was about to turn and leave when the anger in my blood began to boil.
"You're too late" Alice paused and looked at me with a confused frown fixed on her face.
"What do you mean?"
"I have been dead for the past six months. You don't even want to know what has happened to me since your family left me. Why did you leave Alice? To 'save' me like Edward did for Bella? Didn't that work just amazing; was it because of Jasper? Rosalie? Emmett? Was it truly because you guys had to go? I was willing to go with you, and leave everything. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I have nothing left here for me." My voice started out strong but it slowly dwindled down to a soft whisper. Alice was about to say something but I interrupted her already knowing what she was going to say.
"They're dead" I whispered. "When you left, Sam's pack wanted to know where you were going. I refused to tell him anything. I said I didn't know where you went, or where you would be, so he punished me using my parents… after that he finally believed me that I didn't know where you were, so he left." Tears began to prick my eyes so I bowed my head. "I guess I had it coming though… right? Don't break the number one rule, don't piss off a werewolf."
"Sam killed them." Alice assumed wringing her hands in anger but I interrupted.
"No… Jacob did."
Alice's eyes flew to mine as she searched for some type of lie. We all knew that Jacob had loved Bella, but when she left he went crazy. He actually had Mark come and abuse me daily trying to get the information out of me so he could hunt the Cullen's down.
The pain in my chest intensified with the length of the silence surrounding me, and suddenly I wobbled almost falling over. I had lost a lot of blood and the stress of the situation was finally taking effect now that the adrenaline was disappearing.
"You should go home. Maybe go check out the hospital." Alice whispered. It figures she didn't miss my unstableness even though she hadn't looked at me since I told her about Jacob.
"I am home…" I mumbled. My tongue was beginning to get heavy in my mouth and the scenery around me was starting to blend together. Even though I was lying slightly about being home, it was true. I felt more at home than I had in six months. It was pitiful the effect she had on me, even after so long.
"Don't be ridiculous, this isn't your home and you…" Alice stopped speaking when she saw my face. "You're not lying… are you?"
I slowly shook my head no, and crossed my arms across my body, trying to hold the pain inside myself. Even if all I wanted to do was crawl into her arms and cry, I was ashamed of who I was now. I was a nobody, and that was all I would ever be. I was pitiful; how could I compare to perfection? Or even stand in her presence?
I looked over at Alice and could see the argument in her head still rolling. I bowed my head. Was it so repulsing to see me? Realization set when I realized why she was here. She felt guilty, and felt responsible for looking after me. I knew what I had to do. Even though every fiber in my body screamed for me not to, I lifted up my head and whispered knowing she would hear me:
"Mark wasn't joking when he said you shouldn't have come back." My legs just about crumbled from the pain destroying my heart. "Jacob will probably hear about this and will be coming to check it out. I'm so sorry for putting you in danger. I'll go."
I looked at Alice's torn face, memorizing her every feature and locking it in my mind. Before I turned around and walked away.
After a few blocks I noticed the tears falling steadily down my face. The edge of the forest came to view and after that I knew I would be near the school where my favorite alley waited.
Meters before I reached the road that led to the school, I heard a loud growling to my right in the forest.
"Shit." I cursed my luck for the night and slowly turned to meet the cold dark brown eyes of Jacob Black.
I backed up too quickly causing me to stumble and fall onto the sidewalk. Shockwaves of pain ran through my body causing me to cry out.
"Hello" Jacob's smile was menacing "I see Mark and you had a good time together, to bad your 'friend'" He spat the word "interrupted. I've come to ask you one more time… and it should be even easier now that she is close-by. Tell me where the female leach is and I will let you live. Don't tell me and… well… let's just say your parents won't be so lonely anymore"
I knew he wasn't lying, but I couldn't tell him where she was. Even if she left me for dead, I loved her.
"Jacob…" He looked at me moving slightly closer. "I won't tell you."
"So be it" He growled loudly changing into a werewolf. Saliva glistened off his teeth as he moved closer. The animalistic look in his eye meant only one thing… death.
I slid myself back trying to get up but before I could go anywhere Jacob's teeth grabbed my leg and started dragging me toward the forest. I couldn't help but scream as his teeth cut my flesh.
Once we reached a small clearing about a mile from the road, Jacob let me go and began circling me. Even if I was ready for death, I was so afraid of what I knew was going to be painful.
"Jacob, wait!" He paused to see if I'd changed my mind. "I can't tell you where Alice is" He ignored me and continued circling me "please, you have to understand! They're my life! I can't let you hurt them." Tears started rolling down my cheeks as Jacob stopped circling and crouched down low, preparing to attack.
"Please" Was all I could mutter out before his giant wolf form charged and knocked me onto my back. His strong jaws tore through my shoulder causing me to scream in agonized pain, and his paws began scratching at my arms ripping through my hoodie and into my pinned arms.
Even all the beatings from Mark combined could not compare to the pain I was feeling now. Blood was dripping everywhere and I knew I only had so long before I knew I would surly die.
The memories from today surged through my mind as I thought about why I was dying.
They will never come back for you, I know it, and so do you. So why defend them?
I shouldn't have come.
Unworthy
A part of me pleaded to fight, to live and ignore those memories, but I knew it was true; I deserved to die, I wasn't worthy enough for life, and especially for Alice.
I couldn't take it anymore so I looked past Jacob's wolf-head and for the second time today, screamed. I screamed until I couldn't utter another noise in my chest. I screamed to, at and for the one person who constantly plagued my mind; I screamed Alice's name.