I was crouched down and hissing when Alice slowly put her arms in front of her as a sign of peace.
"Anna… it's just me. I'm not going to do anything I promise." Alice whispered slowly taking a couple steps towards me.
When Alice said her name a spark of familiarity jolted through my mind. Suddenly images of the happy times we had together attacked my brain causing my hissing to halt and my stance to slacken. I could see all the times when Alice and I would sit there talking in my room while my parents slept peacefully, and how she would drag me across the state for a "spectacular" day of shopping because she "saw" the perfect outfit. And then the last night I saw her; when we were sitting at the lamp stand, me falling asleep on her shoulder. I was so happy.
Slowly the memories shifted to when the Cullen's left, and everything that had happened to me then; my parents dying at the hands of Jacob Black, me being raped day after day until I couldn't scream anymore, being abused my Mark, sitting alone, broken and bruised wishing I would just die…
I snarled loudly, my eyes flashing back towards Alice as she took another step towards me. This was not my friend. A friend could never do something like that to someone they supposedly "loved".
"Anna… calm down." Alice begged as she stilled her movements. I hadn't noticed before but I was shaking and a low pained whining ripped through my chest.
Alice slowly began walking towards me again. "Remember who you are, it's okay, nothing's going to happen… I'm here for you."
I looked directly into Alice's eyes and slowly fell to my knees. I couldn't fight anymore. I couldn't handle the agonizing pain. I fell to my side and calmed my breaths until I was hardly breathing at all.
Alice appeared at my side and cautiously pulled my head onto her lap. She was looking for anything physically wrong with me even though she knew it was impossible because I was now a vampire. Finally she stilled her hands and brushed the hair out of my eyes looking deep into them. I gazed steadily back into her eyes welcoming the numb feeling flowing through my body. I knew there was a danger in giving up, but at that moment I didn't care, I couldn't feel anything, and I hoped that I never would again.
"I give up." I mumbled as I slowly looked away and fixed my gaze on a squished leaf by my head.
"What do you mean?" Alice asked, shaking me lightly to grab my attention again. She gasped when I looked back at her, no doubt at the dead, defeated look in my eyes.
"I give up" I repeated pitifully while Alice slowly lifted me up and wrapped her arms around me in a tight hug. After a couple minutes she pulled me back and then rested our foreheads together.
I could suddenly feel Alice faintly shaking and a low choked sob broke the silence.
"Alice?" I asked, pulling our heads apart so I could see her face. I gasped when I saw a mask of pain, her eyes were clenched shut and she was still shaking gripping my arms tightly. I moved my hand up to try and loosen her hands when, she lunged away from me. I'm starting to sense a pattern.
"What did you do?" Alice asked me blinking several times as if to try and erase a mental scaring.
I remained silent. Even through the numbing haze I could feel my heart threatening to break in half. Little did she know I had asked myself that very question since the first time I met her.
I forced myself to look her in the eye again, mentally preparing myself for the pain that was sure to come, when I gasped. Alice's iris' were dark as night, as she began shaking with anger.
"The hospital…" She ground out through clenched teeth.
"What are you talking about?" I whispered.
I had a fairly good idea what she was talking about though. Something happened again when Alice touched me, and I knew she saw something that happened to me. I slowly laid my head back and sighed quietly, thinking back to what she might be talking about.
Back after my parents died, the police forced me to go to therapy in the psyche-ward at the hospital until I got over the trauma of my parent's death. I couldn't move, I wouldn't speak, it was like I was trapped within my mind, only my nightmares making me scream.
I remembered one particular day I had been looking out the window when something caught my eye at the side of the forest. A person walked a couple steps out of the protective canopy of the forest and looked directly up at my window. I gasped in fear as Jacob smirked ruthlessly at me and drew his finger across his neck. He did this every day until the night I broke out.
Fits of terror would wrack my body. Jacob's threats lingered in all of the corners of my mind, threatening to drive me past insanity. The night always held my darkest hours. I would see shapes in the dark. Sometimes it would be Alice smiling at me, telling me this was all a sick joke. Sometimes it would be Jacob, demanding where the Cullens were; his tall muscular form transforming into a hideous wolf before my eyes.
Before I had thought I would be safe behind the walls of the hospital, but after I started seeing Jacob outside my window every day, I knew that whether I was hidden behind these walls or out on my own, he would eventually come for me.
That night I had come to a decision. I wasn't going to run anymore, there was no point. Everything I ever wanted from life was either dead, or left. There was nothing for them to take away from me. I wasn't even sure if I wanted to live any longer.
I waited night after night for the moment where I would be able to leave and finally the time arose. I grabbed my clothes, and broke out of the hospital, never returning, not even when the injuries inflicted by Mark got really bad. I was to scared they would recognize me if I went back, and so I just lived with the pain.
---
I closed my eyes and wished I could lose myself to sleep. At least when I slept I wasn't aware of what was going on. I could escape my reality into the slightly dimmer times of my nightmares.
Even though I kept my eyes closed, I could hear Alice moving and could instantly feel her presence by my side. Her scent washed through the area calming my raging emotions as I sighed contentedly.
I chastised myself for letting her have such a hold on me, but realized that I would be fighting a losing battle if I tried to stop it. Even if I didn't deserve it, I wanted it so desperately. Just being around her made me feel more whole. Like if I had her around, I would finally be able to be happy, and be alright. Like I could finally live and not just survive.
"Anna, please talk to me." Alice begged pleadingly. "I can't do this anymore; I need to know what I did to you. This guilt is tearing me apart. I wouldn't have thought I could ever feel like this again, but I am. I do!"
I stayed silent slowly working through everything she just told me. It was confirmed. She felt guilty and therefore she is trying to help me by opening up? And what did she mean by feel like this again?
At school before I gathered my courage to talk to Alice, I had heard the rumors that her long-time boyfriend Jasper had left and that they were no longer together. A lot of the boys wanted to try and snag her, but something about her just kept them away. I had always wanted to ask her what happened, but I knew she would tell me when she was ready. Turns out I never got the chance.
Alice sighed frustrated and stood up. "I think you should take her for another deer. I doubt that one would have done much but take the edge of the thirst away."
I had known that another Cullen came into the clearing, but I had no will to find out which one it happened to be. I could tell it was Emmett though when I heard him move towards Alice and uselessly whisper in her ear, why was I was on the ground, and not responding to anything.
Alice didn't reply, but when she was leaving I could feel the pain in my heart increase the farther she ran away from us.
When I lost all trace of her I sighed once again and finally opened my eyes slowly to look into the expectant face of Emmett.
"So you finally decided to 'wake up'?" Emmett laughed loudly. Normally I would be charmed by his child-like humor but I didn't feel anything as I moved up into a standing position.
I turned towards him and began walking past him to the awaiting forest but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back in-front of him.
I cringed at the physical touch but managed to keep a neutral face as he released my arm.
"You can't honestly still be mad at me… I hardly did anything! And I didn't even have much of a choice." Emmett looked a little miffed but it was nothing compared to the anger he stirred up within me.
I took a step back and glared into his golden eyes. "You left…" I whipped out with as much venom as I could muster in my numb-like state. "You had a choice, and you left, just like the rest of them. Do you have any idea what I went through while you were gone? Any?"
Emmett shook his head confident that I couldn't have been through very much. I was human back then after all.
I wanted to sit there and scream out every tiny thing that happened to me, everything I kept inside myself. I wanted to tell him about how I was rapped, stuck in a psyche-ward, abused, destroyed; everything. I wanted him to know that he could have prevented so much had he just been there. But he never cared enough… I was never good enough for his help.
I lifted my head and pushed past him. He froze when I pushed his bare arm to move him out of the way. Something changed again, and I could feel the softest of energies leaving through my hand where it touched Emmett. What did I just do?
Emmett stood very still before he bowed his head and moved out of my way.
Instead of getting involved with what happened I began running through the forest at break-neck speeds enjoying how the wind flew through my hair.
Even though Emmett seemed dazed he still kept up and occasionally told me to change directions when I was leading us towards civilization.
Up ahead I could see a small herd of deer. The venom pooled in my mouth and all thoughts disappeared from my mind. All I could think about was getting that deer and what it possessed into me.
I stealthily ran towards it, making no noise as I took a large buck away from the pack and began carrying it a couple meters away before bending down and claiming my meal.
When I finished Emmett led me back towards the house, but before he walked into the door I stopped and stayed back by the tree line.
"Aren't you coming in?" He asked quietly, still looking down. Ever since I touched him he hasn't looked me in the eye. Normally I would've been slightly offended, but all I could feel was the sting of unworthiness.
"No." Was all I murmured before sitting down on the grass, my back against a tree. Emmett nodded his head and walked through the door into his house.
I smacked my head against the tree wanting any type of pain that didn't come from my heart, but no pain was to be had. I couldn't even cut myself to help resolve the scattered emotions I felt. It was hopeless.
And you have to live an eternity like this my mind whispered cruelly. Or do you?
I shuddered at the meaning behind my mind's words. Alice had told me the events Edward and Bella went through when Edward left. She told me that when Edward wanted to kill himself, when she was with Bella and getting all of his visions, he couldn't decide between the two only possible ways. The werewolves, or the Volturi.
I pushed my head against the tree once again trying to clear my jumbled thoughts, as I pondered which one I would choose.