After a couple of hours, Alice finally convinced me to go into the house and ever since then I hadn't let go of her once. I knew it was selfish, having to have some type of contact with her at all times, but I couldn't handle not being near her. She was gone for nearly seven months and could disappear at any moment if I wasn't careful. Thankfully, she didn't seem to mind, though she would give me a questioning glance every so often.

I led us past her family who was shooting Alice strange expressions about what was going on with me. Luckily though, no one said anything, but I knew their curiosity would eventually win out and I would have to answer some questions. I sighed as Alice and I made it up to Alice's bedroom.

Once the door was closed I led us towards the bed and began to lie down. Alice paused after sitting and then began standing up again, trying to release my hand. I knew she wasn't going to go very far but when she tried taking her hand away my eyes widened as the panic began overwhelming me. I scurried off the bed, refusing to let go of her hand, and stood up beside her giving her a weak smile.

Alice stilled and gave me a look that made me bow my head in embarrassment, but she never said anything. She led us towards her stand up dresser and took out a big blanket with one arm. She then closed the doors and led me back towards the bed where she laid us down and spread the blanket awkwardly with one hand. I helped with my free hand and finally after a couple of minutes we were comfortably situated in the middle of the bed.

I released her hand and snaked both my arms around her waist using her shoulder as my pillow. I could feel Alice smile as she pulled the blanket up and began rubbing my back. We both knew the blanket was useless because we didn't need heat, but it was a comfort none-the-less.

"This was a great idea," I breathed, my face nuzzling the blanket and Alice's shoulder, inhaling deeply.

--

After a little while, Alice stopped rubbing my back. When I looked up I realized she was distracted by deep thought. I knew she would talk when she was ready, so I snuggled closer to her and sighted contentedly, once again inhaling her scent. It only took a couple minutes before Alice began to speak.

"Not that I'm complaining… but why wouldn't you let go of my hand before? I wasn't going anyw-" She paused, looking at my slightly panicked face and answering her own question. "You think I'm going to leave again… don't you?" she inquired sadly.

I closed my eyes tightly and stopped breathing. Even just saying it sent a frenzied panic throughout my heart.

Alice noticing my distress began rubbing my back again while softly humming another soothing tune. I finally began calming down as I released my breath and opened my eyes.

I looked up towards Alice's face and smiled at what I saw. She was so beautiful, no one in the world could ever compare to her. Not even Rosalie. I sighed happily and lifted my hand to trace the side of her face. For some reason, being like this, holding onto Alice and feeling so safe and warm reminded me of that last night at the lamp stand. I began reliving the memory as I ran my fingers all over Alice's face, memorizing every feel of it.

Alice smiled and closed her eyes, leaning into my hand as it traveled her face.

"You were so happy that night," she whispered.

My hand froze and Alice opened her eyes and gazed at mine. They held some kind of strain. I couldn't quite tell what the emotion was and before I could get too lost in her eyes she looked away and began rubbing my back gently again.

"The night we spent out on the street," Alice continued. "You were so happy, but I had to ruin everything."

She slowly lifted her hand and traced around my eyes a couple times.

"I missed the light in your eyes when you looked at me. You looked up to me, expecting me to protect you." Alice sighed clearly lost in the memory. "I felt so wanted…Who knew that I would be the one you needed protection from?"

Alice dropped her hand and began to get up. I shifted slightly so she could sit, but when she went to stand I began to panic and gripped side of the bed. A loud crack sounded throughout the room as my strong fingers began crushing the wood siding on her bed.

Alice sat back down on the bed and turned to look at me. I couldn't bring myself to look at her, ashamed of what I was doing, and afraid of what her reaction would be, but too worried to truly care. Two pale hands moved over mine and slowly forced me to let go of the now dismembered siding and held my hands gently.

"I'm not going to leave you, I've learned my lesson," Alice declared, squeezing my hands lightly.

I looked into her eyes but I couldn't help but feel skeptical, even though they possessed nothing but sincerity, love, and some sadness. Shaking my head lightly I let go of one of her hands and looked down at the other joined pair.

I wanted so badly to believe her words, to trust her that she wouldn't leave me. But I knew that if I gave her my trust again, and it broke, I would never recover. Vampire or not my heart wouldn't be able to take it again.

I knew I was being selfish… but I couldn't seem to help it. I never wanted to leave Alice's side. She had said she loved me but it pained me to no end that I knew she would never feel the same way about me as I do about her. 'Of course Alice doesn't feel the same,' my mind hissed. 'You're nobody; some useless, unworthy piece of skin.' I lowered my head at my mind's words, looking back at Alice and our attached hands. It was right though, I was nobody, and Alice… she was almost godly; perfection worked into a single body. What was I thinking?

My chest ached as I realized that even though I loved Alice more than just a friend, what we were doing right then was nothing but my forced fantasy; me making her stay with me all the time.

I slowly began separating our hands but stopped when only our fingers were touching. I was being so selfish, forcing Alice to be with me all the time. I was a low-life; of course Alice wouldn't want to be with me like this, she was just being a good friend.

I took a deep breath and kissed my happiness goodbye as I drew my fingers back and placed both of my clenched hands in my lap. A slow, agonizing pain rolled through my heart, cutting off the oxygen I didn't need. I felt empty. Looking at Alice I forced a smile through my pain. I refused to burden her with my heart problems.

"S…sorry," I stuttered.

Alice's eyes moved towards me and gave me one of her speculative looks; it seemed she was trying to figure something out, but was unsure of the end result. She began standing up again.

Panic flared within me and my smile faltered. But I quickly forced myself to regain control of my emotions and managed an even weaker smile at Alice, clenching my fists tighter.

"I have to go change, alright, Anna? I promise I'll be right back, I just have to go to the closet for a second."

Finally standing she disappeared from sight, the closet door the only indicator of her still being in the room. I don't think she was oblivious to my pain, but I wasn't quite sure what she was trying to do as I bowed my head and nodded, even though she couldn't see it.

My heart flared with a vengeance as the pain rippled through my frozen veins. I lifted my hand and began rubbing where the hole in my heart resided, a low strangled whine vibrating quietly in my chest. 'How am I going to last an eternity like this?'

A pair of tiny arms wrapped around me from behind as Alice's hand covered where mine was rubbing at my heart. I bowed my head, ashamed, and began lowering my hand, but it wouldn't move. Alice held it firmly to my heart, controlling my hand that was still rubbing at the gnawing hole.

"What do you feel?" Alice questioned resting her head on my shoulder.

A roll of pain wracked my heart causing me to wince slightly. I was sure Alice could sense the movement of my face because seconds later I was flipped around, her hugging me properly.

"Pain… always pain," I gasped, choking back the sob I wanted so desperately to release. Why, oh, why couldn't vampires cry? When I was human I never appreciated the release of crying. I felt it useless and annoying with the stuffy nose and the blotchy red face and eyes. Now I wished for nothing but the ability to release this anguish within me with my tears.

"Pain doesn't last forever, Anna," Alice responded soothingly as she rocked us from side to side and began humming softly.

As Alice rocked me I snuggled into the crook of her neck and inhaled deeply both sighing and grimacing at how her scent affected me.

"I wish I could believe you," I uttered softly to myself.