After Alice had hugged me for a long while we lay on her bed and talked. She asked me questions about our old school, and after realizing I didn't know anything about anyone anymore, she sighed and quieted herself down.
"So you really don't know anything?" she whined, moving to her side while still holding my hand.
Ever since the little fit of hysteria I had while Alice went to the closet, Alice never let go of me. I was still unsure as to why she left, but it seemed like something within her was confirmed or closed or something, because that speculative look she gave me before she left for that minute, never came back. I couldn't be happier about our contact but inside I knew that it would only cause problems later on.
"I think Mike and Jessica are dating again… and Eric and Lauren?" The conviction in my voice was pitiful; it seemed I was asking more than telling her. I sighed. "Alice, truth be told, you could probably tell me more about what went on during school than I could…"
Alice held herself up with one elbow and scooted up higher on the bed so she could look into my eyes better.
"Anna..." Alice started, but then quickly closed her mouth. She opened and closed it several times before she seemingly gave up on what she was going to say and laid back down on the pillow.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, lowering my gaze when Alice looked over towards me.
Her soft fingers brushed against my cheek and travelled down to my chin as she lifted my face so she could look into my eyes.
"You don't have to be sorry. I do," she objected, a glint of pain flashing through her eyes. "What we did… what I did…" She paused. "How badly did we hurt you?" she finally coughed out. I could hardly hear her but I caught most of it and closed my eyes. This was the part I didn't want to tell her.
"Will… will you show me?" Alice asked quietly, moving her hand from my face.
Before I could ask what she meant she continued.
"Your power… I don't quite know what it is but somehow you've been showing us pieces of your past." Alice mused to herself while still looking at me.
My eyes shot open and I gazed into her eyes, willing her to be joking or lying. There was nothing but a deep sadness running through her eyes as she slowly nodded her head.
"Rosalie saw you getting raped. When she took you to the pond and was talking to you, I saw you in some type of hospital" She choked at that part but continued, moving her hand around my waist when I began shaking uncontrollably. "Emmett saw you in the forest with Jacob when he was attacking you… and then last night, when we were on the bed, I saw us at the lamp stand."
I couldn't breathe. I was showing them my memories? All this time when I thought they couldn't handle being around me, it was my memories they couldn't stand? A flicker of hope lit within my heart as I looked back towards Alice, a question burning in my eyes.
"What is it?" Alice pried, her fingers once again dancing over my cheek and over my furrowed brow.
"You… you weren't… disgusted by me?" I blurted out. Looking down, my fists clenched as I prepared my heart for any type of beating it might take from Alice's response.
I was shocked when she frowned and growled softly. I could tell it wasn't directed at me but at herself. She freed her arms from around my waist and sat up, making sure to keep direct contact with me at all time.
"You... are ridiculous," she breathed exasperatingly, brushing the hair out of my eyes. "How could you ever think I would be disgusted by you? You are so caring and have so much love, and you are so strong, Anna. I don't think you can even see how strong you are. Even as a human you were stronger than I could ever be," Taking hold of my hand she began rubbing it in between both of hers.
I shook my head and laughed humorlessly. "Yes, I am so strong… so much that I can't even let go of your hand without breaking down. So much that despite how much I needed to protect you, I still selfishly cried out your name bringing you closer to danger with Jacob. So strong that…" I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, calming myself down. I hadn't intended to get angry, but I couldn't let Alice go on believing lies. "I'm sorry. That was un-called for," I croaked, opening my eyes but refusing to look up into hers.
"Show me," Alice said, gently squeezing my hand.
"I can't… first of all I don't even know how it works, or if that's all it does… I don't want to hurt you." I looked up into her eyes and then quickly looked down again.
"You won't hurt me," Alice replied, moving her hand to caress my cheek. I lowered my eyes farther and she dropped her hand. "What aren't you telling me?" she asked, the tone in her voice making me look up into her eyes.
I swallowed. "I… I don't want to hurt you, and…" I mumbled. "And I know it will hurt if you see everything that's happened to me… everything I've done," I admitted lowering my head ashamed.
Alice sighed and looked away.
"I know." She looked towards me with determination in her eyes. "I know it's going to hurt both of us. But I need to know. I can't be kept in the dark about what I've done to you any longer." She grabbed my face with both hands; my breath went ragged as she looked deeply into my eyes. "Please… show me."
I sighed deeply and nodded my head. Alice breathed out, causing me to close my eyes and breathe her scent in deeply before I quickly realized what I was doing and opened my eyes. Alice had that speculative glint in her eye again but she didn't say anything as she led me back to a lying position on the bed; facing each other with her arms wrapped around me tightly for comfort.
"Are you ready?" she asked me quietly, a slightly nervous look in her eye.
"No," I answered honestly. "But I'll try to do it."
I moved my hands up towards Alice's face when my hands stilled millimeters from her skin.
"Alice?" I breathed. She looked towards me with a supportive questioning glance. "What if I lose control of it? What if I don't know how to get back out of the memories?" I began to panic when I pictured a still Alice, forever trapped in my living nightmares till the end of time.
"Shh… I trust you," She proclaimed, moving a hand to brush the hair out of my eyes. "I trust you," Lying back against the pillow she closed her eyes.
Sighing, I swallowed the panic until only an uncomfortable ache was left swirling around my stomach. Moving very slowly I lightly touched the side of her face, reveling in how soft her skin was before I began concentrating on the last night I saw Alice.