Paper Stars

Reid was bored of the little boats… the little boats that would float monotonously on the water in his bathtub or sink.

Reid was bored of the simple creases that created those boats.

Reid's fingers had become rough from the continuous pressing of the folds.

Reid began to wonder if Hotch would notice – apparently not.

Reid still folded though, but now he would fold good luck stars.

-

He was bored, bored of life, bored of living, bored of the daily routine. Life had become dimmer and dimmer nowadays, there was little excitement install for each day… it was just the same damn routine… a routine that he had become so accustomed to that he was beginning to wonder what would happen if he lost his job.

Reid was back in Quantico after having a half month cooling off period in Alaska [which caused him major boredom and he's quite sure that he gained about fifty pounds]. When he came back he was greeted with a big party, Morgan forcing the stupid hat onto his head, JJ made him a cheese cake which had the same trick candles on it. No matter how depressed Reid had been, the party certainly did make him feel a lot better. Not much though, he could still be the small heart-stab at the back of his chest. Gideon made it a big deal and gave Reid the whole collection of Shakespeare's work – first edition, Reid had always wanted to read it, he forced a wry grin onto his face and gave Gideon a hug. Rossi gave him a nice collection of stamps, which he had no idea what to do with because he wasn't the one who collected stamps, Hotch was the one who collected them, Hotch had asked Reid to get them from Rossi for him because he really didn't like asking Rossi for anything. Now Rossi assumed that he was the one who collected them. Still Reid gave a grin, pretended to put them carefully into his sling bag, and told Rossi how much he would treasure them.

Reid was really only looking forward to one thing – going to the hospital. He hadn't seen Hotch in… fifteen days, four hours and forty two minutes, that was more than enough for him. Still he knew that his boss would be lying there motionless and well… just lying there, the same way he had been for the last… seven months, four days, six hours and fifteen minutes... Reid knew, knew that Hotch wouldn't have moved at all not the slightest. Reid gave himself a bitter grin, it was so funny, it sounded like he was autistic now… doesn't that just make the whole world better?

By now, Reid had run out of dilaudid, this is the other reason why he wanted to make the trip to the hospital; he knew better than anyone else that what he was doing was sending him down a dark spiral. But it didn't make a difference, no matter what way you looked at it, life was a dark spiral… a dark spiral that no one alive knew where it ended. Reid was simply curious how long this dark spiral was… he had long ago decided that the only way he was going to find out how long this spiral was, was to go down the spiral himself.

-

He sat next to Hotch at the hospital, the nurses smiled and asked about where he had been for the past half month. Some nurses went as far and talking about how they were scared that he had died in his line of work and all that stuff. Reid simply had said that he had some business to attend to and during this time he was unable to visit Hotch – it was basically the truth anyway.

-

Reid had learnt about paper stars when he was a lot younger. On his mother's good days, he would sit next to her and they would fold paper stars, his mother told him that you are to write a wish inside the star paper, fold it and stored it inside a glass jar that way the faeries will come and collect your wish. She had said that the more times he wrote the wish the more likely it was to come true because sometimes faeries missing stars out by accident.

He was beginning to wonder if it was true, there were now seven bottles of paper stars all with the same wish and apparently the wish still hadn't come true. He was still wishing the same thing for a whole half year; it was boring to keep making the same wish.

"Spencer, have faith."

His mother always said those words; it would come up almost every day… It was as if a small part of her would always be embedded inside him, that little voice in his head. The voice that currently was bugging him so much he began to wish it didn't exist.

-

Well at least he still had the dilaudid, which the doctors had once again given to him without question. The joys that come with being an FBI agent, free drugs and as long as you can act, no one is really going to suspect you of drug abusing. The stereotype that the police, FBI and CIA never succumbed to such temptation was still active, and Reid had to admit that it was mostly true, just not on his part.

The old belt had already snapped so Reid had made a substitute of a thick rope which could tie equally tightly so they basically were the same… just that there was no Hotch scent on the rope… which made the experience less exciting in a way…

It had started with 6 mg… but slowly it had become 6.5 then 7 then 7.5 and now 8. He took 8 mg doses every time that was on third more than what he had began with, to be honest it made no difference to him, dilaudid was dilaudid and that was all that there was to it.

-

Reid sat there staring at the unmoving features again, this game that he was playing with himself was really boring. The memories were too far away to be remembered clearly, all that came to mind when the name 'Hotch' was mentioned was this pale, lifeless body lying on the hospital bed and not the one that had once led them and taught them… It just wasn't fair… why?

"Don't be a child Spencer, only children ask why. Think why but don't ask it."

Why were these words continuously coming to mind? Was it really the fact that he was going mad? Or was it simply because he hadn't told his mother about what he really had been feeling? What was it? What was the trigger?

Reid gave a barking laugh, startling the nurses outside who poked their head in to make sure nothing was wrong.

He was profiling himself, PROFILING himself, oh what dark humor.

-

That was it, he had folded ten glass jars of paper stars and he was a sure as sure could get that it wasn't making a single bit of difference. He placed the jars neatly in a row inside Hotch's room, smiling with a triumphant grin, a triumphant evil grin he proclaimed to no one in particular.

"See, I folded ten frickin' jars of paper stars and you know what? It doesn't work, the whole world should know about this so that no one else wastes their life doing stupid things like this!"

Reid could feel his body shaking with rage, sadness and emptiness. This was horrid, horrid, horrid. Hotch was not coming back and Reid knew better than anyone else that he wasn't.

His hands swept all of the glass bottles onto the floor and they smashed with an earsplitting crash.

"You happy now? You see my wish now? You see it? You see it?"

Reid collapsed onto the floor.

-

Hotch blinked.

***

A/N: Hope this is a rational ending, its kinda really random but I hope it works!