So I ought to be writing a French test. Or a Chemistry Exam. Or even a French Exam. But I'm not. I wrote this instead. My first songfic. Hope you like! The song is "I'll Walk You Home" by Karmina. Youtube it. It's perfect Smacked IMO.
If you think this is mine please allow me to come live in your world.
XXX
Slow down,
What's on your mind?
It's alright,
I'm on your side.
I hate to see your injury.
I wish you could transfer all your pain to me.
Something was wrong. It was not unusual for Mac not to get the sleep he needed. His relentless drive for justice caused him many a sleepless night, Stella knew. But this time, it was different. Rather, not different but a return to something that she had hoped never to see and experience again. The look on his face, in his eyes told her that this sleeplessness he was experiencing had nothing to do with the job. It was as if Claire had died all over again. He was reverting to the Mac Taylor who was getting used to being alone. His drive was more emotional, more personal, even when there was no way he could feel connected to the cases. His demeanor with the people he worked with was hard, calloused. Unfeeling.
It hadn't been going on for too long; maybe a week but Stella was nonetheless worried. Usually a gentle prod, a teasing comment would make him tell her what the acid was that ate at his mind. But not this time. Nothing she did registered with him, he was on autopilot. She was getting almost frantic in her concern. Mac's demeanor was affecting the entire team and nothing seemed to make him snap out of his shell, nothing seemed to make him acknowledge the world around him.
Stay here, it's okay to cry.
Let me help you make it right.
Let's turn on the radio.
Let the bands remind you that you're not alone.
We all get low.
It was the end of the day and as she headed out she gave her customary glance at the glass walls that surrounded her friend. What she saw caused her to stop short. His blinds were closed. That alone prodded her to action more than any other thing he had done over the last several days. Mac never closed his office blinds. He had told her once that he was aware of the image he projected to the lab; that of being distant and off-putting although it was not intentional. He was just a very private person. So he left his blinds open, as a way of fighting the image he created.
Gently rapping her knuckles on the door Stella pushed it open before he could answer. He was sitting facing the skyline, not seeing it. His head was bent, hands unthinkingly worrying the fingers as if to crack his knuckles. Occasionally his left thumb would touch the base of his ring finger, as if searching for something that was no longer there. Stella wracked her brain but could come up with nothing lately that would bring Claire to the forefront of Mac's mind and cause such a reaction.
Walking over to him she claimed his right hand with her left and, with her other hand brought his gaze to meet hers.
"I'm taking you home. Clearly you are in no state to be alone."
Even the brave may depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
It's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home.
His compliance told her more about his state of mind than any words ever would. He said nothing, just rose when she tugged on his hand and followed her to her vehicle. Not a word did he utter. Sliding herself into the drivers seat she started the engine and pulled out of her space. The silence was deafening.
"Mac? Please, talk to me. You've got us all worried, me most of all. I've not seen you like this since…." Her voice trailed off as she looked over at him, his only indication that he heard her was a single, prolonged blink, as if to hold back tears,
"Mac, don't do this." She pled. "Don't retreat into that part of yourself again. You need to talk to someone and if you won't talk to me who are you going to talk to? You know I'm always here for you but I can't help you if you won't talk to me. Don't isolate yourself. Don't go through what ever it is that you are dealing with alone."
Still nothing from the man beside her.
Continuing the drive in silence she finally reached for the radio. She needed something, anything to drown out the silence. Flicking it on, the radio began to emit a song by a current favorite artist. Stella had heard it several times before and actually enjoyed it, seeing her relationship with Mac mirrored in the words. But right now she wasn't in the mood and so extended her hand to change the station, only to find it stayed by Mac's larger, work roughened hand. "Don't." Still he didn't look at her, nor did he release her hand, instead gripping it as if holding onto her was the one thing holding him together. As if letting go of her would cause him to dissolve into the billions of atoms of which he was made. The song finally ended and another took its place neither one listening to the replacement.
Sun's out but it feels like rain.
So I will illuminate your day.
I'm afraid I'm losing it.
What's it gonna take for me to get through this?
We'll get through this.
"C'm on."
Mac jumped slightly, coming back to himself. He had not noticed that she had parked and was proceeding to get out of the vehicle. "I don't live here." His voice was thick with the emotion of confusion and whatever else was going on in his mind.
"No, but your place is four blocks up. We're walking."
He too got out and rounded the car, matching her pace as they started walking. She had extracted her hand from his when she turned off the car but reclaimed it when they started walking again. She could tell he needed the simple contact. Hopefully extending the time with him would get Mac to open up and tell her what was going on behind his eyes. They had turned the palest shade of grey because of his lack of sleep.
Four blocks of silence. Occasionally she would squeeze his hand as if to ask him if he were ok. He never responded. The longer this went on the more concerned she became. Usually, even if she could not prod him to talk, he would open up after several moments of silence, allowing her presence to draw him out of his self-imposed shell. It had been years since he had gone this long with so little response to her. What would he do when she left his apartment?
Even the brave they depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
And it's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home
I'll walk you home.
The sun shone but Stella felt none of it, so much was her mind focused on the man beside her. How much longer was he going to be like this? Would it take another three years for him to open up again? She was positive that Claire was involved somehow but she did not know the specifics. The cases of late had not been ones that would have affected him and as far as she knew no date of importance was approaching. So why now, four years after moving on and taking the necessary steps in completing the grieving process was he grieving again? The questions burned in her but she knew better than to ask, doing so would only make it worse. He would talk when he was ready.
Arriving at his building she made as if to leave him there but the look in his eyes told he that though he could not say it, he needed her. So, still holding his hand she followed him to his door. Still on auto pilot Mac unlocked it and walked in, followed by Stella. He walked in and looked around, searching for someone who was not there.
Finally. Finally. He sank to the couch and placed his head in his hands. Then the sobs came. She could do nothing but sit beside him and hold him, letting him know that she was there. That he was not alone. Unable to stop her own tears she allowed herself to cry for the broken man in her arms.
Need the band to play the song,
Someone's hand to keep you strong,
It's harder when you're on your own,
Success is not the same alone,
Can't have up without the down,
Need the straight to have the round,
I'll provide the harmony,
Your song is best accompanied.
Her tears were spent before his but she did not let go of him until he stilled and sat up. Reaching into his breast pocket he pulled out a thin hoop of gold, fingered it for a moment then slid it onto the third finger of his left hand.
"Last Sunday would have been out 20th anniversary."
Stella's heart broke again, this time from the shame of forgetting and of not being there for him. "Oh Mac!" She breathed "I'm so sorry. I forgot! I should have been there for you."
Touching the gold on his finger as his tears began again he whispered "I forgot too. I remembered on Tuesday. The week before she died we had gone shopping and she had admired a necklace at Tiffany's. I went back the next day and put it on hold, agreeing to pay whatever it was worth when I came to pick it up. I gave them an approximate date and forgot about it. Then Tuesday, I got an email from the store asking if I still wanted the piece. That's when I remembered. Two days after the fact! I forgot her Stella. What kind of husband am I? When we were married I remembered everything. She frequently bragged to her girlfriends about that. I've gone to see her every year but this year…." He was stopped by another sob but managed to keep from completely breaking down again. "I forgot my wife." He finally whispered.
"Mac." She gently took his face in her hands. "You have not forgotten your wife. I know that you think about her every day. This was going to happen at some time. It's been almost eight years. Frankly I'm surprised it's not happened sooner. But no matter when it happened, I know, you know, she'd understand. She would not expect you to remember everything for someone who is not here to share the moments with. She'd want you to remember her, but not to mourn her again." Stella pulled him to herself, enveloping him in a hug. "No wonder you've been like this lately. You should have told me. No one should go through that alone. Mac, I'm here for you. Don't ever forget that."
Even the brave may depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of sun
And it's not as safe when you're walking alone
I'll walk you home
I'll walk you home
I'll walk you home.
"I know. And I should have talked to you. I wanted to talk to you, but could not bring myself to do it. I've not been home since Tuesday either. I was afraid of what I might do. So I retreated into that part of me that cannot feel, hoping the pain of forgetting would go away. It only got worse. I knew the longer I stayed away the harder it would be to return. Eventually I knew I'd have to admit to you what was going on and ask you to do this with me. But as always you know what I need without my asking." He leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Thank you." With his thumb he touched the ring on his finger again and with a very decided move he took it off and placed it in her hand. "Take this."
"Mac, I can't. It's your wedding ring! It's Claire's!" She tried to give it back but he would not take it.
"I still love my wife but she's not here and I need to remember that. I've been forgetting that over the last few days. Knowing you have this will remind me to stay focused on what I do have. It will remind me to trust you, and not try to get myself through things like this again. I have someone who will get me through the rough times. And I can't ever forget it." He pressed his lips to her forehead. "I cannot thank you enough for being there through all the times I've needed you."
She smiled and took her hand in his linking their fingers. "It's what we do Mac. We take care of each other. After fifteen years who else is gonna do it?"
XXX
The song they listen to on the radio is not this one, it's "Footprints in the Sand" as sung by Leona Lewis (another great Smacked song). I'm not going to put the words on here but you can youtube it when you do the title song.
Go vote in the fanfic awards! To those of you who nominated me: wow! Thanks so much. There are so many great authors on here that you would think to add me is so humbling.