Chapter 3- Feeling
Summary: It's all new to her, and she's trying to figure out what it is

XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX XxXxXxXxXxX

River seemed fine by that night. Her lesson with Wash went on as planned. It was almost like her moment didn't happen.

"I have something for you," she told Wash at dinner. She pulled the finished portrait out from her sketch pad—it had stopped talking to her—and handed it to him.

"This is really good! Check me out!" he held it up so everyone could see.

"Mine's better," Jayne said simply.

"How is it better?" Wash frowned.

"'Cause I'm prettier than you."

Everyone laughed.

"Thanks River. This is goin' on the bridge so everyone can admire the pretty pilot."

She smiled at him and then caught Shepherd's eye. They glared at each other for a moment. He was still sore about the cross thing. Her smile widened. He laughed.

"You're lucky you're charming. Hopefully it will be your saving grace," Shepherd sighed.

There were a few laughs around the table.

They finished up and River excused herself to go to bed.

Mal was a little confused. Everyone else had gotten their picture already. All he could think was his original, she don't like me, thought, but she said she did. She could have always lied. She didn't seem like the lying type. Maybehaps she hasn't drawn me yet.

****

River looked at the picture she had on the nightstand by her bed. She sighed heavily. It seemed illogical, but she wanted to keep it. She knew that he'd be curious as to why he hadn't gotten his yet. It was the feeling she got when she looked at it that made her want to hold onto it forever. The feeling she got when he was there, so comforting and kind, with his arm around her…she wouldn't linger on that thought. It was insane. It wasn't clear. Nothing was clear. Pollution in the water. She needed help. She needed to know what there was. Feeling for herself was entirely new. If she was feeling what she thought she was. No, that couldn't happen. It couldn't.

She turned the light off and looked over at the silhouette of the paper.

"Goodnight Captain."

-Squeak…Squeak…Squeak-

The girl swung back and forth on the rickety old swing. The toecap of her glossy little black shoe was in the brown and green earth propelling the motion. Forward…back…forward…back. Rhythmic. One…two…three…four…one…two…

The leaves rustled in the gentle breeze. It sounded like hushed whispers in a crowded room, but she was all alone. The only things that surrounded her were the rolling green hills and the large autumn tree.

-Crunch-

She knew she was no longer alone. She could feel them. The dread. The death. The blood. The screams. They all belonged to them.

"River Tam."

She turned and saw them there. Two by two. Hands of blue.

"River Tam…come home…"

She sat up with a jolt. Panic surged through her until she happened upon the picture on her nightstand. After a few steadying breaths, she was back in control.

"Just a nightmare. Not relevant," she told herself quietly. She looked down at the drawing of her captain. "It's okay," she repeated his words over and over again until she fell back asleep clutching the picture to her chest.

****

"You're ready," she told him matter-of-factly.

"I am? Are you sure?" Wash asked nervously.

"Yes. You have the steps, formation, rhythm. She'll be impressed."

He smiled. "I got it all planned. We'll be planet-side for our anniversary anyhow, so I'm taking her out. She'll have no clue we'll be dancing."

"The woman follows the lead. It'll be fine. She's always in dance ready shoes as well," she sensed his question and answered it before he could ask it.

"Thanks for teachin' me and all."

She smiled and curled up in the copilot's chair.

"I have a question," she said softly.

"Shoot."

"How do you know if you have romantic inclinations towards another?"

Wash grinned. He was amused by the way she asked the question. "Well, you think about them all the time. And they make you feel all warm and tingly when you're with them. Oh and if you want to kiss them. That type of thing. Does this have anything to do with a certain firefly captain in a brown coat and suspenders?"

She turned pink and shook her head no.

"Please tell me that it isn't Jayne."

"No. It was merely an inquiry."

"Whatever you say fly girl…"

She giggled. He could tell by the way she reacted to him that Mal was the reason for the "inquiry."

****

They landed a few days later. River didn't have any other episodes. Simon figured that it was as she said, something triggered it. Ever since he found the right medications, she was a lot better. That's why he felt comfortable enough to finally get with Kaylee.

"We're goin' out," Zoe announced.

"Right, it's your anniversary of disobeyin' my orders!" Mal grinned.

"And I don't regret it, Sir."

He smirked. "Never said you did."

Wash arrived looking rather dressed up for Wash. He looked at River with a smile and a thumbs up. She giggled.

"Go on down. I'll be right behind you," Wash told Zoe. She looked suspicious, but didn't push it.

"You'll be fine," River promised.

"Thank again. Don't get into trouble while I'm gone," he gave her a quick hug and followed his wife.

After they were gone, River turned to Mal. "I taught him how to waltz."

"So that's why you were always up there."

"For their anniversary."

"That was nice of you."

"Blonde is nice. Zoe is too."

He smiled at her. She felt tingly inside. Jayne walked in.

"Hey Mal. Wanna hit the bars?"

"I don't know…"

"Come on! Shepherd's busy tonight!"

"So I'm a last resort?"

"You know I'm yours too."

He sighed. "The doc and Kaylee are out. So's Shepherd…"

"'Nara's here."

"Are you good with bein' left with Inara?" Mal asked River. She nodded. "Fine. Make sure I don't get married this time." Jayne snickered.

They got up and left. River sought Inara out for some girl time.

"River," she said warmly when she saw her hovering by the entrance. "Come in."

"We're the only ones on the ship."

"What about Mal and Jayne?"

"The bars."

Inara rolled her eyes. "Men and drinking."

River sat down on the bed. Inara read her body language.

"What's bothering you?" she asked as she joined her on the bed.

"New. Pollutants in the water. Hard to sort. What's mine. What isn't. But what's mine is more confusing than what isn't and I can't…calculate…what it is."

Inara was quiet for a little while as she processed what she said.

"You're having trouble figuring out what you're thinking?"

"Feeling."

"Ah. What is it that you think you're feeling?"

"Romantic inclinations."

Inara laughed. "Romance usually is confusing. Maybe I can help."

"I don't know if it is."

"I can't describe what it feels like. You just know."

"But it, it isn't right."

"Isn't right?"

"No. Can't be with him."

"Who is it?"

She shook her head. "Would rather not say."

"Please say it isn't Jayne."

"It isn't."

"That's a relief. I suppose that the best advice I can give is that if it is meant to work out, it will find a way to."

"What does it feel like when you feel this way for someone?"

"Exhilarating, terrifying, incredible, and awful all at once."

"Awful and terrifying?"

"You have no control. You have to put yourself out there and let them in. Maybe that's why I'm still single."

"Unless you have a client."

Inara laughed. "True."

"I can't. We can't. How can you make the feelings go away?"

"You can't make them go away. Trust me, I've tried."

"But if it can't be, why do the feelings stay? It doesn't make sense."

"It's romance, mei mei. It isn't supposed to make sense."

"But if it isn't returned…can't be…"

"You keep saying that. How do you know? Have you spoken to him about it?"

"No. I couldn't do that. He doesn't feel the same. I know. Reader. His affection isn't mine. It belongs to another."

"He's in a relationship then?"

"We just can't."

"Don't worry too much about it. There will always be others. You're young. You have plenty of time to find the one for you."

River nodded. She gave Inara hug before leaving to go to sleep. She always could put things in perspective, even if she was the object of his love. She deserved it though. They were closer in age and she was so many things that she'd never be. Sane. Whole. Undamaged. Perfect. He wouldn't want a broken crazy person half his age. Never.

She looked at his picture sadly. Sometimes she wished that she didn't feel.

-Squeak-

The swing was cold, shielded from the warmth of the sun. The ropes were coarse, biting into her soft palms and she rocked.

-Crunch-

"River Tam."

She looked back at them with fear filled eyes.

"River Tam…come home…you'll never have to feel again."