Chapter 2- No more excuses
Summary: Won't not can't

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Mal shifted uncomfortably on the infirmary bed. Simon dragged him back there and demanded that he get some sleep. However, the smart doc missed the fact that he had pinched the IV shut when he administered the concoction to knock him out and then ripped the needle out of the back of his hand after he left. The last thing he needed was sleep. There was too much happening.

He hated being so twitchy. It was like his war days in the trenches. Not knowing if they were coming or going or fighting or sleeping or living or dying or in this case, loving or not. Hell, he wasn't even sure if he liked her like that. He knew he cared, probably more than he should.

At first he had been happy about the night away from the little reader. Time alone to sort the situation out. Yet every time he tried to figure it out he found himself missing her. Not that that had anything to do with anything. He couldn't be in love with an eighteen year old. He couldn't be. But she wasn't just an eighteen year old. She was River. That complicated things. He'd think that he didn't, couldn't, feel that way and then he'd remember the way she felt in his arms…and he'd be confused and lonely all over again.

****

River knew that he wouldn't be there that night. He had been shot and he needed time. Honestly she didn't think that she would have been able to fall asleep since she was so used to his presence, but Simon gave her something and it knocked her right out.

"I ain't gonna try nothin' this time around…" he said, reaching for his gun.

-Bang-

He hit the floor with a thud. Inara cried out his name and then they were hauled off.

She saw it in her mind as she ran. She went as fast as her legs would go. Her captain, her love, her everything was bleeding on the ground because of her.

Finally she reached his side. The monsters in blue gloves loomed silently in the shadows, watching the scene unfold while sharing a bag of popcorn.

She sunk to her knees, trembling allover, shaky hands reaching out to his scarlet chest, tears falling from her eyes.

She pressed a fraught palm to the hole in his flesh hoping to stop the waterfall of blood pouring out of him. The life drained with each drop.

His gorgeous blue irises vanished behind the veils of his eyelids. The shadows of death crept across his handsome face and he was gone forever.

She sat up with a scream. The image of Mal's lifeless body was frozen in her mind.

****

Mal had gone back and forth, having an inner argument with himself.

She's too young. She's been through as much as I have, if not more. That don't make her an adult. That don't make her a child neither. You can't love her. Can't. Not don't. You don't. Maybe I don't, maybe I do. This is gettin' us no place fast…

He heard River scream and he was up and scrambling to her room in seconds. Shepherd heard it too and was on his way, but he saw the captain dart inside.

"River?"

She opened her eyes and he was there.

"What's wrong? I heard you scream."

He sat beside her with a worried expression.

"Darlin'?"

"Nightmare."

Despite everything, he reached out to her and gingerly pulled her towards him. She shut her eyes, savoring the moment. He stayed.

She knew that he was still confused. Give it time, Zoe said. She would give him as much time as he needed.

He shut his eyes too, setting his cheek on the top of her head. It never failed to amaze him how much the girl's presence felt like home. How could it be wrong when it felt so right?

****

Three weeks went by. She didn't push it. He kept going back and forth between accepting it and denying it.

It always seemed like the one time he was honest with himself was when he watched her sleep. For one thing, he was sure that he couldn't overhear his inner monologues. Another, they were alone. Whenever they were, nothing else mattered.

Her nightmares were practically gone, but he stayed anyway. Sometimes he wondered if he chased them away like she chased his away. In all of the time since he had been watching over her, he hadn't had a single nightmare about the war or anything else.

He was crouching beside the tiny bed, arms folded on the edge, with his chin set on his forearm. The bed was too small for them both unless they were intertwined and lately that was becoming a little too much for him to handle, so he'd wait until she fell asleep to sit beside the bed.

Her breathing was smooth and deep, but silent. She was graceful even when she wasn't awake. Could someone be graceful when they slept? He shrugged it off. River Tam could do anything.

Carefully, he reached out and swept the hair out of her face. He let his hand linger on her face longer than it needed to.

In that moment, he knew without a doubt that he felt it too. He loved her. He loved how crazy she was and wouldn't change it for anything. He wouldn't change her for anything.

Come morning he'd be back to how wrong it was, but right then he didn't care.

Her eyes opened and she smiled. "Hello Captain."

His breath got caught like it usually did when she looked at him with those eyes. "Hey there sweetheart."

He didn't realize that he was thinking as loudly as he was. She heard it all and her smile widened.

She reached out to him to join her and he did. She ran her feathery fingertips down his face. He didn't pull away, so she leaned in and kissed him. He kissed back. She was surprised by it, but happily pulled him closer.

It clicked that he was kissing her and he leapt back suddenly, accidentally rolling off the bed and onto the floor. He stood up and ran his hand nervously through his hair.

"This is wrong. This is wrong. I can't. We can't."

She had had it. "This is not wrong."

"You're eighteen. I haven't been in a longggg time."

"Do you love me?"

He swallowed the lump in the back of his throat. "Do you love me?"

"I love you. We've been over this, Captain."

"It's just that I wouldn't feel right."

"You think this feels right," she snapped as she got out of bed. Why did she always have to wear those little nightgowns? Why?

She walked right over to him, toe to toe.

"Answer my question. Do you love me?"

He took a step back and she matched it. She was too close for comfort.

"River, I'm a mean old-"

"Answer the question!"

"But-"

"Answer the gorram question!"

"Yes! But that don't mean that we can or will be together!"

She took a step back with sadness in those beautiful eyes. "I'm too broken."

"That ain't it at all. You aren't broken. You're just healin' like me. You had your own Serenity Valley that you gotta deal with. That don't make you broken or bad or crazy. Don't let anyone tell you different. You're younger and…" he trailed off.

"And you're afraid that it won't work out. You think I'll run off like Inara. You think that you'll get too old for me."

He gaped for a moment and then collected himself. "Well yeah."

"Stop being so afraid! I love you, I want you, I need you and nothing will change that! The only thing keeping us apart is you!"

"It's not that I don't want to be with you. It's that I can't!"

"Won't. You won't. Not can't. Because-"

"You're right! I'm afraid. Okay?" he practically shouted.

She became quiet and waited for his little speech.

"What if we don't work out? There's consequences for that. This boat is only so big. If we end up hurtin' each other…I just don't think I could take that. I don't wanna hurt you and I don't wanna be hurt. If somethin' were to happen and you were gone…" he sucked in a shaky breath. "It ain't that I don't want to. And it ain't that I don't love you. I do. It's just-"

She silenced him with another kiss. She pulled away and stubbornly stared him in the eye. "I was told that with love you have to put yourself out there and let the other person in. Let me in. I'm yours, Captain, and I'm not going anywhere unless I'm decomposing in a casket."

Only she could be creepifying and romantic at the same time.

He put his hand on her face. "I don't deserve you."

"I don't deserve you either. Let's not deserve each other together."

He chuckled and she put her arms around his neck. "You said once that you trusted me."

"I do."

"Then trust this. Trust me enough to believe that we can make it work."

"I don't trust myself, sweetheart."

"But I trust you. No more excuses."

He needed her. He wanted her. But most of all, he loved her. He took a deep breath, lowering his defenses for the first time in a long time, and put all of his faith and trust into her and into them. "No more excuses," he echoed softly.

She beamed, threading her arms around his waist and setting her cheek against his chest. He kissed the top of her head. She smiled. They were together. Finally.