CLANNAD - Kimi Dake Wo
Spoilers for ~After Story~ 16 onwards. Between Nagisa's passing and the trip with Ushio, there were five years unexplored. Five years I lived alone. Hundreds- no, thousands of days I sat in that empty room. Tomoya's POV.
~ CLANNAD ~
The snow was falling endlessly. If only it could stop for just a day, just long enough for her to regain some strength. The winter that had come was harming her in ways I could never wish upon anyone. But there was no-one else. No-one that could help her, to drag her from this miserable fate. I was worthless, she couldn't even hear my voice; what could I do? I returned to the shelter in which I had been born, my arms filled with various pieces of junk. While she had no strength to continue working on the machine that would bring about our escape and find who I was; I could still move. But I didn't have the same power in bringing the creation about like she had me. No matter what I tried, nothing worked. My body was also beginning to suffer; occasionally, the snow would overwhelm my fragile frame and I could cease functioning completely. She was still there to rescue me; I had to pay her back. We had to escape. I couldn't let her die after everything.
The fields that had grown tall plates of grass that swayed in the breeze had sunk beneath the white snow, buried until the spring would come for us again. If it arrived in time. The orbs of light that had been everywhere in those warm and fun times could never meet our eyes through the snow tumbling from the sky above. It had become impossible to see the blue sky through the blanket of grey clouds. Despair filled me, if neither of us could play our part the way we had been, then there was no hope for escape. We couldn't get out of this place before she would die. I pushed the door open, meeting the sight of her tired eyes when she gazed upon me standing in the doorway. These times she had just been sitting inside, conserving her energy rather than wasting it in the bitter cold. Even in the room, she appeared cold, but I could not share her agony, as much as I wished to just to lessen her burden.
"Did you find anything you think is useful?" she asked me.
I brought the pieces to her, letting them slip through my arms and clatter loudly against the wooden floorboards. I gazed at her beautiful face again, who she was or her name were pieces of information I lacked. I couldn't ask her, I didn't even know who I was. Maybe she knew, perhaps she expected I would know who we were, what brought us here. She examined one of the pieces I had collected, while she did so, I gradually turned my head, gazing out of the window. The snow was falling endlessly. We were running out of time.
Chapter 2 - Fading Existence
Pops had carried Nagisa's body out of the apartment we had lived in for the past months, wrapped in blankets like she had been during her time in labour. The question of why he was doing this ran through mind head; was he really just too stubborn to admit that he had lost his daughter? Hoping for a miracle like the last time Nagisa had faced her end? Yagi-san followed him out, Sanae-san third in line, clutching Ushio in her arms. I stayed close behind, pulling the door shut behind me. Anyone still awake at the hour would have thought we were insane, rushing through the night buried in snowflakes, carrying a deceased girl and a newborn child. I didn't care what anyone else would think, all I cared about was staying as close to Nagisa as possible, even if she couldn't look back at me and smile like she used to; it broke my heart that this had been what we had come to face, that she would part so early on. She had been talking of years together, never losing feelings towards each other over the decades ahead, remaining as close as we did the day we confessed our true feelings. The future she had planed, not only for ourselves but with Ushio had vanished in an instant.
My mind drifted back to the story that Pops had told me of Nagisa's childhood, the last time she had faced her end. Of the field he had taken her to. The hospital there was still under construction, there was no way we could return there; a part of me believed that was still the cause of Nagisa's passing, that special place she had been spared; that place had been hurt and as a result, Nagisa's body was pushed beyond its limits when it came to giving birth to Ushio. If only we could save her like back then; return to that place and beg and wish with all our power that she could be delivered back to us. Too much time had passed, Nagisa was lost to us. My vision of the street buried in snow began to wave once bitter tears built in my eyes, I was doing everything in my power not to break down, to stay strong; for Sanae-san, for Ushio. If only the snow hadn't fallen over the city, if only Nagisa's body hadn't pushed her into labour on the one day the city was paralysed. But that was merely fate working against us once again. Why? Why us?
I shook the clouding thoughts from my head, what mattered now was staying with the only real family I had felt since the passing of my mother. She had passed on when I was young, but Ushio… She would never know what her real mother's love was. Even if I had lost such caring, she would never experience what I had in the first years of my life. Maybe it was me, perhaps this city was just working against me and Nagisa had stepped into the line of fire when she cared. Was it because of me that people I cared about would die? I lifted my arm, brushing the freezing sleeve of my coat across my face, dragging the tears clinging to my sockets; a faint trail followed their paths across towards my right ear. They wouldn't last long, nothing did. No-one did.
What felt like hours passed rushing through the streets towards the hospital, how Pops believed Nagisa would survive in such weather was beyond me; snow continued to fall from the white sky. Everything was white. I was beginning to grow sick of the shade, one that was supposed to represent light; hope, of what we had lost. Gazing at the sight of Pops, Sanae-san and Yagi-san as though I had been awoken from a daze that had lasted some time, I longed to ask how Nagisa was doing, just wishing that Pops would turn around and tell me she was hanging on. I felt in denial, her death was something I could never accept, something I wanted to ignore and brush off as my imagination. She only cared about Ushio, not about herself. Then it came down to me, I had helped create Ushio; after that night, I would do nothing more than watch on, Nagisa had to do all the work. Why did I lure her into such an act of passion knowing her body was weak enough just supporting her life? I hesitated, lifting my head to see Pops leading us, Nagisa hanging in his arms.
"Pops" I called, it felt like a reflex, my mouth had verbalized my thought.
The red haired man gazed over his shoulder; his eyes didn't bare the uncaring mien that he would usually direct at me in whatever way he could. I couldn't see anything, bleakness had clouded him; it sent a chill down my spine, perhaps even he had understood what had already happened. Perhaps he realized a miracle wouldn't occur and save Nagisa a second time. We had run out of time.
When I said nothing, his face faded behind the hairs of his head, eyes set on the buried road ahead. The pain in my heart was intense, I didn't know how long I could keep running into the delusional world of no light, no hope; I felt like simply falling to my knees and crying until I had no more tears left in me, freezing to death and joining my one love. Tears slid down my face, why did this have to happen? What about everything Nagisa - we - had ahead? What about the people we knew and cared for? We had helped everyone in anyway we could; work together as a team to bring happiness to those that stood around us everyday. But when it came to saving Nagisa… I let her down.
Who knows how much time we spent racing through the streets, flakes of snow falling onto us like a disease. The doors to the hospital shone brightly, like a beacon of hope to us amidst a raging storm, waves of a dark sea crashing violently against our undersized vessel. Hope for Ushio.
"Oi!" Pops yelled over his shoulder at those of us following. "We're almost there. It's right up ahead".
Sanae-san gave a sigh of relief, her breath came out of her mouth like a miniature cloud of smoke Pops would eject from his body after breathing in what his cigarettes had to offer his body, her body had cooled down that much. Her mind, her heart had set themselves on Nagisa and Ushio; her daughter and granddaughter. Sanae-san was such a wonderful woman, she didn't deserve these incidents happening to her, my eyes fell to the snow once again, I had been the cause of their misery, of Ushio's misery.
If only I could reverse time… the same desire surfaced in my head.
The doorway opened up for us, greeting us into its walls, the shelter it had to offer. The chance it was opening up for Ushio. In an instant, the snow stopped.
I gazed up, there were no clouds blanketing the sky, there were lights. Artificial lights. We were inside and out of the white droplets of winter. Pops and Sanae-san had proceeded to the desk, raising the awareness of Nagisa and Ushio in their arms; mother and daughter; daughter and granddaughter. I tore my eyes from them, I couldn't bear it. Instead, I gazed out at that which had stripped my love from my life. Nagisa… where was she? Was she staying close to us?
My chest felt hallow; numb from the pain that had eaten my heart. Yagi-san laid a hand on my shoulder, provoking me to look back at her. She had been smiling gently, a smile that dropped slightly when she noticed my expression; I was holding onto the despair I had felt when Nagisa's hand had fallen from mine, I guessed that I appeared exhausted to her; it seemed that she had gotten past that, perhaps it was my eyes that exposed me.
"Everything will be alright, Okazaki-san. You can live as a family in a short time" she insisted.
I gradually moved my head; those words cut deep. Couldn't she see that we had been too late? After a moment of trying, I was shaking my head slightly; like a child learning all over again. We couldn't be a family without Nagisa.
She was the "Daikazoku" in "Dango Daikazoku". She was the "Dango" through her love of the childish beings. But I had seen past that; that song meant everything to Nagisa, she would sing it to Ushio during her pregnancy. I had teased that she would have an obsession over the toys to compete against her mother's.
Now we could never know.
If she liked the Dango, it would be one thing that I could hold onto in her. But my arms would never rise to hold her. My body had shut down in front of the child that was mine, the child whom had been born into the world without a mother. Yagi-san had retreated to Sanae-san and Pops by the time I surfaced from thoughts of Dangos and the past.
Warmer. Brighter. Times.
She removed Ushio from Sanae-san's arms, carrying her behind Pops who left with Nagisa, travelling into the hospital. To the place where he would learn hope had died. Sanae-san appeared over my shoulder, laying her hand onto the blade by my neck, our eyes met. She was still smiling as usual, putting all of her effort into keeping the friendly expression. My heart felt a twinge of warmth; she looked so much like Nagisa in a handful of years in the future, would Ushio look like Nagisa a generation earlier in her life?
"Everything will be fine now, Okazaki-san" she sounded, almost winking when the words ended.
Just looking at her, my heart screamed when another crack forged within its skin just as so many others. She had known the risks there were to Nagisa giving birth, she was the person I had heard it from; could she not see Nagisa had passed on? How could she smile now?
Despite the dams I had built in order to keep from breaking down, tears gathered in my eyes, slipping down my cheeks before either of us could do anything. I cursed inwardly at letting them slip down my cheeks, raising a hand to wipe them away. But my hand didn't reach my face. Sanae-san had lifted a finger as a bridge, removing the crystals from my face. I gazed at her; she was beautiful; the night Nagisa had first tasted sake appeared in my head like an old film. In her drunken state, she had believed I wanted her mother, provoking me to defend myself between the claim, insisting that Sanae-san was good-looking and dodging the fuel to Nagisa's fire that Pops had been supplying. Those times… they had been merely a year ago. But they were already another life away.
Sanae-san wrapped her arms loosely around my neck, pulling my head over her shoulder. What she was doing was something I couldn't understand until words poured into my ear.
"Don't worry. Everything will be alright, we'll go into the brightness of the future together" she whispered. My eyes widened; had she understand what had happened? Was this "brightness" that she was referring to the return to the bottom of the hill behind Nagisa that I had experienced? "I promise you, Okazaki-san. We'll all go on as a family. We'll share many more memories like those in the past".
Her hand came against the back of my head, slipping through my hair; she was stroking me in order to comfort me, to bring peace to my soul. There was no doubt that she had understood. At least, it was what I had believed, but I daren't ask her to confirm the belief in my mind in the case she was still the naïve woman I saw as a mother; my mother-in-law.
Over my shoulder, the snow kept falling as though nothing had happened. When Sanae-san released me; we watched the sight together - one filled with hope, the other filled with despair. Two sides that had stayed close. She laid a hand over my chest, feeling the grief-stricken heart that ached beating in my hollow chest. We watched the scene of white frozen rain together for what felt like an eternity; the snow was falling endlessly.
When Pops and Yagi-san returned, the four of us proceeded into a corridor, sitting on a row of chairs that had been placed against the wall. Sanae-san laid her hand on top of mine, I caught her eye; she continued to smile. And then she gazed at the snow; the snow that we could barely see through the white clouds and lack of leaves hanging on the branches of the bare trees standing in the courtyard. No-one had come with news of Nagisa. No-one had come with news of Ushio. I felt as though I could just drop on the ground and wait to die; I already knew what was coming - even if Ushio would have been granted the chance to live, there was no mother there for her. And I would be a useless father, just as I had said to Nagisa. I knew nothing about parenting; she had been the one to attend the classes during her pregnancy about being a mother, not me. She had been so excited about giving birth; determined to have the child she loved born in the home where we had lived and conceived her, where the mutual decision to give life had been made and carried out. The home that meant everything to us. Even when it meant risking her life. Why did the snow have to fall on the day in which she had gone into labour? What sick force pushed her water to break two weeks early on such a day? Was it because she loved me and I loved her? I gave a sigh; everyone who I cared about was cursed; a curse that would lead to their demise. My mother. My wife. Was my child dying?
"Oi, I'll get us some coffee" Pops' voice called through the dreary world within my mind.
I gazed at the couple, seeing the man rise from his chair. Sanae-san reached over, laying a hand on my far shoulder and pulling me across, my head touching her shoulder.
"You should rest Okazaki-san. It's been a long night and it seems it's going to continue until the sun rises and shows us the fruits of Nagisa's spirit" she whispered gently.
Her 'spirit'? My eyebrow rose slightly at the word then fell once again. She knew. She definitely knew. Unless my mental capacity had reached its limit and the words she spoke were a delusion to cover what she really uttered. I let my head rest against her shoulder, eyelids sliding downwards.
"Sanae-san… when someone comes about Nagisa…" I whispered hoarsely. "Please wake me…"
My eyes fell shut and the sounds of the hospital faded into nothing; blackness engulfed my senses and my world; half-wishing to never awaken.
What I realized looking back at that traumatic time was that I never asked to hear about Ushio.
"Eh? What am I meant to do with this now?"
"It's fine. I'll hold it until Okazaki-san awakens. This has been a burden on him too; he has a child now too. Remember what you were like when Nagisa was born?"
Nagisa…
"That's completely different, I didn't fall asleep!"
"No, but you weren't composed like he has been"
"Sanae!"
A gentle giggling followed. Two voices I knew.
"Consider it revenge for saying so many mean things about my bread".
My eyelids tore themselves from each other gradually. I was staring at the scene of snowflakes falling from a bright sky. Then everything came flooding back into me; we were still at the hospital. I pulled my head from Sanae-san's shoulder, catching her attention that came in the form of a single sound of her surprise.
"Okazaki-san, did we wake you?" she asked with a face that looked hurt.
"No, it's fine" I sounded, shaking my head. "Has there been anything?"
"I'm afraid not. You weren't asleep for very long. And I promised that I would wake you if anyone came; just like you asked" the woman answered gently. "Here, Akio just returned with these".
She handed me a coffee that Pops had purchased from a canteen somewhere in the building, I gripped the paper container, gazing down at the lid which covered the brown liquid.
"Thank you, I'll pay you for it later" I mumbled.
"I won't allow it. We're family now" Sanae-san almost snapped. Her face had strayed far from her usual loving appeal, she almost looked angry at me. "And we stand in a time where family are meant to be together. I won't allow you to pay for something Akio hands out of that family bond. Please Okazaki-san".
"Yes, forgive me for being so stupid" I sighed. Had I really just annoyed Sanae-san of all people?
"Tomoya-san" she sounded gently, pressing the palm of her hand around my right side of my crown as though to bring my head against her body and comfortingly stroke my head like to a child.
I didn't expect for her to do it, I was a big boy. I was a man. At least; physically. My eyes rose to the scene of white clouds scattering flakes of snow across the city. Allowing them to fall to pleasure children and bring a day of freedom to those that would be unable to get into work. The white… that was peace and purity until footsteps would crack the blanket and shape paths of thousands of residents.
Footsteps echoed in the empty hallway like claps of thunder threatening to disturb the peace and drive people into their homes. I glanced down the corridor where a nurse strode, Pops and Sanae-fixed their eyes onto the woman approaching, a clipboard pressed against her chest, black hair fashioned into a bun without a strand of rogue hair slipping from the fashion in a defiant manner in seeking freedom. Her pace slowed as she approached, my heart pounded against my chest anxiously; even though I had no idea if she was going to stop before us or pass us by. Even though I already knew that Nagisa had passed.
The woman who appeared to have reached the midpoint of her twenties halted, glancing at the paper pinned to the clipboard and then fixing her eyes upon us.
"Okazaki?" she sounded.
"That's me. I mean, 'us'" I answered, quickly correcting myself as I glanced at my parents-in-law. "We're waiting for anything on my child and wife; Ushio and Nagisa Okazaki".
"I see" she muttered. "Well, I was sent by the doctor looking over Nagisa. I'm very sorry…"
The world stopped; I knew what was coming, I had already seen the proof that it was true. But my heart still hurt, it was still falling apart, tears were still building in my eyes. Words were about to make it official, my throat tightened. I couldn't handle it being the truth.
"…Nagisa passed away. It seemed she had already done so before you brought her in".
I brought a hand against my face, tearing the tears that built in my eye away from their position to slide down my face, hair of my fringe lifted against the skin of my fingers. The hand parted, letting everything fall back into place. Over my shoulder, Sanae-san had allowed her tears to fall, I couldn't be sure what was going through Pops' mind; probably disbelief at what had truly happened. I opened my mouth, just to try and speak; all I could manage was a hoarse cry barely louder than a mere whisper.
"Nagisa…"
The eye I hadn't brushed against my hand let the tears that had built fall. Life was no longer worth living, my world had passed onto another plain, she would watch from the heavens as we struggled to laugh and live and care without her. I couldn't blame her; she wanted to give birth to Ushio at home, she had been granted that hope through forces that prevented us from saving her life to watch the child she had prayed to live grow into a young woman.
Why? Why had this happened? And to us. Fate had been paying with us since the days we were born, this city, everything about it. I hate this place more than before the days we met.
I hunched over, allowing the tears that tricked down my cheeks to fall onto the cold floor. This agony… I could fall apart, collapse internally and die right there and then. It couldn't be…
I had known yet my heart still wept endlessly. I wasn't allowed to cease grieving.
"I'll give you some time alone" the woman muttered, taking a step back.
Tears flowed down my cheeks, determined to drain my body of the crystals until I could shed no more. What if Ushio was going to die? What if Nagisa sacrificed herself for nothing? Sanae-san wrapped her arms around me; I felt her beating heart against my ear. Puzzled by her embrace, I glanced up through the tears, seeing her damp face with rivers of tears slipping down her cheeks; she was holding me to comfort her, to comfort us both. I closed my eyes and allowed her to keep me close, I couldn't bear reality.
It was sunrise by the time I had run dry, news had reached us that Ushio would be fine. I stood out on a balcony of an empty room, gazing dully at the bright sun which clambered over the horizon, a dim red in comparison to its usual blinding golden light. Pops strolled out behind me, lighting a cigarette and approaching. He casually leaned against the fencing placed around the edges of the extension, just as I did out of sheer weakness.
"If you keep smoking those… one day, Sanae-san will lose you" I mumbled drearily.
"Never mind about Sanae and me" he countered. "What will you say to your friends?"
A small gasp left my mouth, I hadn't even thought about the others. Kyou, Ryou, Kotomi, Sunohara, Tomoyo, Mei, Yukine. What was everyone going to say? What would those beyond my closest friends going to say? My expression fell just as my heart sank; I was only going to bring more pain to each of them. A phone appeared before my eyes, I glanced over at Pops whose hand gripped it tightly.
"Go… I'll leave you alone to do so".
My fingers reluctantly tightened around the edge of the phone, leaving Pops to release it and depart. I glanced over my shoulder to see how far he intended to hide, the door to the room shut. Surprised, I turned my attention to the phone, punching in a number very familiar to me. There was only one person I could tell first; ordinary to taunt, but this time to confide in. The phone came to my ear.
One ring. Two rings. Three rings.
"Hello…" a dreary voice came.
"Sunohara, it's me".
"Ah… Okazaki. What do you want so early in the morning?"
"I'm at the hospital" I couldn't tell her straight away, that wasn't fair. I sucked in my breath before I could continue, contemplating the words to utter. "Nagisa's given birth".
"WHAT?! When was this?"
"About two this morning. But we had to get to the hospital. You're the first to know".
"Really? I never expected that of you, are you too embarrassed to call the girls because you may imagine them in their underwear?" his voice rose towards the end, he was kidding me.
"Bastard" I snarled. "I would never betray Nagisa!"
"So… this kid, is it a boy or a girl?"
So sudden to change the subject. I complied and continued as though his comment never reached my ears.
"Ushio is a girl…"
"Ah, so we have a baby Nagisa coming up".
"Sunohara…" my body trembled, shadow of my fringe consuming my eyes which began to fill again. I couldn't avoid it, but I was going to hurt him. My heart shuddered. "It-… its Nagisa…"
"Hm?"
"Nagisa died giving birth to Ushio".
The line went quiet, despite my attempts to sound strong at such a time; I had proved my fragile state in the words that shook. A tear splashed over the end of the phone that hung by my mouth, gritting my teeth just to avoid breaking down completely.
"Okazaki? She… Nagisa-chan…"
"Yeah… The snow prevented us from getting to the hospital so she gave birth at home just as she originally desired. But it was all too much for her body".
"I can't believe it…"
"Sunohara… I have a favour to ask".
"What is it?"
"I want you to tell the girls… I'm not strong enough to do it".
"I understand. And I'm coming over there".
"But your job-"
"This is way more important to me. I'll decide between telling them the truth and saying I was ill later. You and Nagisa-chan mean so much more to me than some job I got because I barely graduated. I'll be there soon… Tomoya".
Tomoya. That was the first time he called me by my first name, I almost dropped the phone. I felt so numb, it was so surreal. Nothing made sense. I prayed that I hadn't woken from the rest against Sanae-san, just for Nagisa's sake. But then again… I couldn't go through the pain of hearing those inevitable words.
What was so wrong with us being happy? There was no sign of Pops; I stood alone for a while, watching the sun rise. Nagisa never left my thoughts; where was she? Was she watching over us? Was she smiling that she could give birth or crying that her passing had brought so much pain?
"Thank you… Youhei".
A few hours had passed from the conversation over the phone and I had returned to the seat where I had heard the devastating words. I had insisted that Sanae-san and Pops return home to rest, that I would rest later. After all, Sunohara was on his way. I was alone, staring bleakly out of the glass panels at the top of the opposite wall; while the sun rose into the sky, snow continued to cling to the branches of trees, the sun's power was nothing in the wintry chill; the snow would be victorious in surviving the day.
"Okazaki!"
My eyes widened slightly, twisting my neck to see Sunohara racing down the corridor, wearing nothing by a loose white long-sleeved shirt and jeans. He'd have had no intention in looking smart just to find me; he had been rushing the entire morning just to meet up with me. I said nothing until he came to a halt, panting heavily. Even after several visits, seeing him without his blonde hair felt so unnatural.
"Sunohara…"
Tears built at the gesture of care that he had presented by cross back here from Tokyo just to find me. But I refused them to flow; I wouldn't break down in front of my best friend.
"I've told the girls, each gave a similar reaction; crying, pleading that I was messing with them, asking how you were" he spoke quickly as he let himself fall into the seat beside me.
"Sunohara… thank you" I whispered.
"You look wrecked. You should get some sleep" Sunohara stated with a gentle smirk. "He was trying to lift the mood without seeming a traitor to the devastation we had felt.
"I took a nap against Sanae-san earlier. Just a few minutes, but it's more than what they've had" I mumbled.
"Oh~ A nap against Sanae-san? Was it nice?" Sunohara chuckled, expecting Pops to appear and trap him in a headlock so suddenly. "Hey… where are they?"
"I told them to go home and get some rest. Sanae-san was pretty reluctant, but being a father, I think Pops understands how I feel" I muttered tiredly.
"Okazaki… rest against me. It's the least I can do" Sunohara mumbled, holding his shoulder blade out for me.
I sucked in my breath, feeling the tears that had built begging for freedom from the restraints I held them back in. Sunohara's azure eyes locked onto my face, the usual clueless expression softened into one of comfort. The tears tricked so coldly down my skin.
"Su-Sunohara…" I sobbed. "Ive lost Nagisa!"
And in such an uncharacteristic way, I pressed myself against him, sobbing as though I had never cried. I knew it pained him to see me like this, I felt his hand brushing the hairs over the back of my head gently. We could have stayed like that forever… and the pain would never cease.
Next time
"The snow melted away, but no matter what I tried, Nagisa remained on my mind. Ushio would live with Sanae-san and Pops. I swore that I would forget Nagisa was a part of my life… just to avoid the fact that she was dead".
Chapter Three - Two Shadows