Never been lost by Yofune-Nushi
Disclaimers: Hoshino owns it.
Summary: They were the only children who could not remember they were so. Kanda and Lenalee young fic. Came about when I wanted to write about these two.
Warnings: Some spoilers for chapter 186. Barely noticeable though.
Never been lost, is what they feel.
The boy alone confronts truth and for that is told he was only being deceiving.
The girl is found by truth and can only suffer its faith.
When they both met for the first time, they were the only two out of the group of children who were not crying.
Calls for mother, father, and home were the heartbroken and defeated sobs that echoed ignored throughout the room and halls.
The boy and girl were silent and dry with an isolated aged air. They were the only children who could not remember they were so after all.
Their world was a thought that did not have full meaning yet beyond the Order.
At first she seems dead to the world as the young boy notices her (because he notices nearly everything around him whether he cares to or not) composed figure and hollowed eyes that only a ghostly woman should have. She does not speak or acknowledge him; she only has eyes for the lost lambs.
She eventually begins sneaking glances at him, wary and hopeful all in one. He understands the wary part, not the way he thinks he does for while he has had his share of wary looks, he has not understood how different things are for one and each individual and definitions can be so long. Hopeful, he is not sure. He does not like hopeful, it's not as good as definite in his eyes. So he is not sure what to think of this.
She does not look scared; she looks too weary and experienced for that to think the way of him yet. After all, she too wore the same reserved untouchable skin. But she is beginning to deviate from her neutral look to a frown when he eyes her back. Normally he would be irritated by her apparent indecisiveness regarding bothering him, but he is tired from the atmosphere and can not go anywhere else until Marie comes back to pick him up from the check up and being near her is not as energy draining as being near one of the other children would be in the crowded room.
"Are…"
He does not appear to acknowledge her silent whisper that is nearly choked away by the roar of dying naïve youth within the room as she too, though he does not see it, does not visibly acknowledge him as well for she only stares ahead at the small human mass in front of them with beaten eyes that refuse to stay down.
"Lost…"
He does not want to hear this, he wants to ignore her and tries to find that state of mind he can only find when meditating alone so he can block away everything outside himself.
She finally turns to him and he feels the force of her eyes on him with such a burning force he almost thinks he could give into it before he cuts it down and stands straight and unyielding to any as much as he does.
Marie comes, and the nurse that had suddenly come to his side Okays him to go and he walks faster then he should across the room. Though even with all the noise and his own desire of rejection he can not stop the whisper so gentle that it makes all other barriers bow down and move aside for its need to reach.
Are you also someone never been lost…?
She says it in a way with so much pity for him, herself, and any and all the others that he almost hates her for it.
~~*
Weeks pass on. They are able to be with each other again. They have of course seen each other, for they are both conformers and have seen and noticed each other throughout their daily check up's or whether it be passing along the hallways and in the same timeslot for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. But never before have had they talked.
His body aches and he is leaning against the wall for support uncaring at the moment for the blood that stains the building. He can not help outwardly flinch from the memory of the strange feeling of having his body repair itself in what felt so intrusive despite reprimanding himself for not getting over it yet. He wanted to go train, but his General had forbid him from doing anything until he at least bathed himself first. Seething he felt himself grow somewhat dizzy and felt an anxiety attack his rapidly beating heart as he breathed deeper in and out.
Thank Buddha that Tiedoll was busy in a meeting and Marie was still in the care of the nurses for a nasty leg wound that has been imbedded with several glass shards thanks to an incident between one nasty akuma and now broken window.
He didn't want to be seen like this.
It's okay… its okay…. "Hey, it's okay."
The same girl from before, who can not even be any older then eight, has come from what it seems no where and taken out a handkerchief to begin cleaning away all the stains of his blood as best as she could.
"See, it can be cleaned up…your blood….that is. You don't need to worry. If they got really mad at you for something like this, I'm sure I would not even be here… still."
Her English is a little difficult to understand due to how awkward she pronounces things as if she still can't bear to get rid of an accent entirely that still etches onto her speech patterns and also how unsure she seems, as if talking in general is something she is not used to.
The ten year old boy does not bother to correct her way of thinking for the cause of his behavior. He stares at her face for the first time, her eyes are closed as if to shield them from oncoming object and she maybe wants to smile at him but it looks like she is nibbling her bottom lip more than anything. He briefly wonders if she also is does not believe her way of thinking as correct as well.
He regards her on how she seems visibly to not feel bothered by his lack of verbal response to her as if she were not there. She still stands near by even after cleaning away the blood, quietly as if he were not there at all as well.
He hears noises from inside the washroom and feels a sigh rolling in his throat for finally the men were done bathing themselves and he could wash alone. He began to shift his weight more onto his feet as he pushes himself to begin leaving. The girl snaps out of whatever daydream the boy had thought she was having in reaction to his sudden movements and catches a thought in her throat before letting it loose. Instead she takes a few steps closer to him so she has to look up at him a little more.
"Um…" She lifts her hand a little but does not touch him.
He stops whatever action his feet had thought they were going to take and raises an eyebrow in a "well say it now" way when she is quiet for a few seconds.
Whatever had been inflicting her before is chased away enough for when she gathers her wits better she asks "Who – Who are you?" Hurriedly she adds "I'm Lenalee Lee."
She's not offering her hand or anything else, just a name in exchange for his.
Sometimes she thinks she should just have walked away when the other was going to. Is there really a point? There's no guarantee this person will be even stay within reach long. There really should be no reason why she should ask him of all people, especially from seeing him now all bloody from coming back from the outside world and being a conformer for Innocence.
Innocence is nothing but Death's appointment.
But when she looks at the others eyes, she sees eyes so deep and yet different from the other children that she knows she will stand tall as she can despite her slightly shaking legs out of energy and will not back down whether he wants her to or not and will only leave his presence if he is the one who walks away.
She does not have the eyes of a soldier yet, but she does have the ones of a fighter at least.
The boy looks at her bloodied hands for a time.
He turns his back to her and walks away.
She stands her ground despite the wave of familiar shame overcoming her.
She at least wanted his name so she could visit his ghost of her mind more with more familiarity.
"Kanda." The other child says loud enough for her to hear and she is shock with confusion until she understands and tries to convey her feelings by giving a clumsy smile to herself again as she tucks the bloodied handkerchief to herself as if she were instead holding her favorite doll
As Kanda passed by the freshly cleaned men exiting the washroom he misses Lenalee's nearly stone turned face as she confusedly looks between the direction of the room Kanda had just went in to the direction of the female washroom down the hall before shrugging her shoulders in a sigh of relief of the things she could have said but didn't and walked off contently as she could with handkerchief in hand.
~~*
When Kanda wakes up the first thing he notices is that Lenalee is there.
He was injured severely on a mission and been in so much pain he had blacked out and had not woken up until the next day. During that time Lenalee had snuck in against the Matron's orders and had clung to his side so fiercely the Matron had given into letting her stay for reasons he could not fathom why the woman would as she would normally never do such a thing when a patient is concerned.
He tries to move but the action sets the girl in motion and she clutches at the fabric of the bed so tightly as she glares with emotion he has never before seen her wear that he actually pauses in surprise of it.
"Don't get up." Her tone more then implies she means it as if she believes he has no choice but to obey her.
"I don't want to be here." He easily brushes her off and again tries to move his aching body back into control.
"Well I don't want you here either but you are going to stay here until the Matron says otherwise!" She tugs on the cover with force before she sprints to the other side of the bed to stand in his way with arms up and blocking as much space as she can. Matching glare for glare their staring (that also somehow halfway became an unspoken blinking contest) went on silently for several long minutes until Kanda let out an almost unnoticeable flinch in pain from sitting in the awkward position.
Why do you care, what is it in for you to stop me from doing what I want, were the questions nagging the tip of his tongue but he refuses to speak them. It does not matter why she is doing it, all that matters is that she is and it annoys him. He gives one final glare before nearly rolling his eyes as if the effort is no longer important. It's not as if he could go far any way he supposes with the Matron or the younger nurses always looming about like hungry sharks for helpless prey.
He lies down and allows Lenalee to cover him carefully with the blanket again as she resumes her previous watching position as he rests but does not fall asleep until hours later when some of the younger nurses have to nearly chase away her away from the room.
When he wakes up again he sees Lenalee again. This time her arm is covered in thick bandages with red blotches seeping through. She looks relaxes with a sigh when she sees him and notices his long stare at her arm and she tries smiling with out biting her lip this time.
"It got caught, my arm… on something sharp and so the Matron let me stay here with you."
He does not say anything to the way she does not look him directly in the eyes when she says this. He only nods and looks away a little from her and asks if she got herself hurt that badly?
Her eyes light a little and she moves closer to his bed and tells him no since being with him makes it go away better.
He doesn't bring himself to call her an idiot.
When the Matron comes back into the room several hours later from checking upon patients in another room she stills at the sight she sees before shooing away some of the more chatty nurses.
She turns off the lights as she quietly moves to cover the sleeping girl curled tightly beside the boy on his bed with another blanket and leaves them be till morning.
~~*
"…Kanda?"
"…What?"
"Hmm, what flower is that?"
"…A Pasque Flower."
"Oh. You can tell by the stem, right? ...Okay, thank you. " She turned the pages of the book with careful ease as Kanda continued his inspection of mugen.
Normally she would scamper off with the agility of a frightened deer by now. She was not very used to being with one or any person for too long of a time. It made her restless, being unable to move and having to deal with humans so much exhausted her at times, or at least the ones that usually clung to her. Kanda was relaxing though. He hardly said anything unless it was an answer to a question or in times when he had simply had enough or wanted to do his own private activities which when she would leave. She didn't mind being yelled at or told to go away; at least she received the impression that despite the annoyance emitting from his body language there was never any true malice in his voice or eyes for her. It was… nice. She could not remember the last time someone who she was able to spend time with actually be this genuine with her. Kanda wasn't always nice to her, but he was never cruel, or at least as mean as he could be.
Lenalee over the few tentative weeks had made a habit to stay close to his presence even if they during the all their times together rarely engaged each other in conversations. Kanda tolerated her clinging ness with off hand acceptance in his own gruff way. They had their own unspoken code of what was too much and what was enough that both had set and understood.
He did not ask why her skin color paled so much more then it usually was when an Inspector from Central came for monthly visits or why she often would sit in the corner of his room mumbling denials of the lives lost by keeping the ghosts of their names entertained in the back of her cracked mind.
She did not ask why he often would suddenly stop what he was doing to look to the side so often as if there was a companion hidden from anyone's sight but his own with look she could not bare to gaze upon without a sick sensation pricking her eyes. Or why he does not run away as soon as the doors open for the outside world and what is keeping him here.
Don't react, don't react…
The boy has a world a part from the world that dictates he must belong to that world made of illusion as only he can see it though is not suppose to believe it.
The girl has a world a part from the world she built little by little and does not even tell herself this fragile illusion will never last as she clings to it as a lifeline.
Both of their worlds have been ridiculed or ignored by others. Not real and therefore not important they say or feel. But to the boy and girl their worlds feel more real to them then the world they told they were born into.
Neither knows on the surface this similarity of different worlds they share with the other.
Nether can find out how to escape.
This is a reality they must dive in to suffer in order to not die.
The definition of the word reality is the same as justice to them.
They understand this on a level one so small should not have to and yet their aged eyes know it better then those so much bigger then them. They can't bring themselves to take comfort in this from each other, but they can find an offer that neither is sure they can truly give.
~~*
When Lenalee walks like a fairy in the dream of today Kanda knows the mask is starting to change color. Her eyes are closed to the darkness and it isn't until he lights a flame to a candle and she sees her reflection shine in his eyes that she starts to bite her lower lip until it drips blood.
When she does nothing about the blood he lightly wipes it away without care for staining his clothes.
"Lenalee, go back to your room."
"..No." Her voice carried so casually and softly it did not bother to echo across the hallways.
"You're just going to stand here all night alone, with that Inspector around?" He raised his eyebrows in slight disbelief from remembering her past actions regarding the man.
Looking into her eyes he sees a look so haunted he can only remember another time like it and suddenly his pulse picks up as he quickly blocks out the memories of broken sobs of children who could not go home again.
"Home… I just want to be with my Brother."
Taking a step closer to him, the orange flame licked her eyes by giving them an insincere light inside them and her skin looks so white he almost reached out in instinctive thought she might slip away like a phantom of the past.
"I want…"
She lifted up her hand to touch the stain of her blood on Kanda's sleeve.
"For once… to not have to be among the ones never been lost."
He can not respond because it would not be until she is but a mask less shell only holding onto the ghosts of the imaginary and the defeated way she carries out her resilient march against the prison that chained her ever more tightly every time it found her growing more lost from it that he understand what she meant that day.
Never been lost is what they feel, because they have only ever been found.
Oh wandering sacrificial lambs, you're shepherd will always search you before the slaughter.
He turns away from the open door as it begins closing his access to her sight and walks down the hall and does not wonder about human strength.
He does nothing but train as he cuts down any obstacle that was thought impossible for him before and days later was brought to the health clinic dehydrated and nearly starved to death when he had refused to do nothing but work in this world of his.
Teidoll, silent and sits by him and brushes aside any nurse that tries to force feed him as the older man feels for a temperature on his tired pupil before lifting him up enough to let him drink out of a glass before setting him to let him rest with the promise of training again when he got better.
No one dared, not even Tiedoll, thought they were strong enough to overcome this for him.
Lenalee herself wonders about it, how it wasn't good enough for her, he wasn't. He was a brother even if he wasn't her Brother and never could be. But, it was nice, the nicest times, even if they may have not have been much to him, that she had experienced in the longest she could ever remember since coming here.
A part of her that still has not dived into the deep hopes he's at least not as hurt as she is by her not loving him enough to stay stronger, is the last thought she has before a nurse sticks a needle into her vein and suddenly her wrists that were trapped so tightly by the bandages as she laid on the bed she was bound to don't seem bother anymore by it.
~~*
Time passes, Kanda sees her standing there. Alone for the first time without her Brother since the Supervisor came; she is wearing her uniform for the first time and also pigtails, a style he has never seen on her and looks just a little too innocent on her, especially with the added effect of her somber ness that has permanently darkened her eyes so much more from the past year.
She watches him carefully with a fragile mist in her eyes contrasting with her body language that emits a deadly force of refusal to move for anything but him.
"Either get something to eat or go away" He sighs before resuming picking at his newly cooked breakfast.
She stands still for all but a half a second before quickly running off to leave his line of sight with suddenly energetic steps. He stares at his food and does not even realize he is barely breathing until minutes later he hears a sound of new weight clunk onto the table and a presence beside him.
The ten year old leans in and gives the twelve year old a clumsy out of practice smile of mixed emotions but overall satisfaction and gratitude. He does not smile back but resumes his eating with easier breathing patterns and muscles he had not realized were slightly tense before.
Neither really talk or look at each other while both make slight faces over the different taste the new chief has added into the food they are eating (stabbing actually more so for Lenalee as she kicked her legs in the air for added energy needing to be released). They poke their forks into it to mush and wonder about it in their own different silent ways. It's quiet and to a stranger it would look like the two were not sharing the same atmosphere at all.
The wounds would go away, they always do. Scars would remain but only has reminders for when the pain was gone and nearly forgotten. They were fine. They were soldiers who must live for reasons of their own and they understood that perfectly about the other enough to never go around creating unnecessary scab wounds of the past.
They do not look at each other, but they feel each other and in words only they could understand they say to the other that maybe never been lost for long may not always be so bad.
Notes*
I'm not sure about Kanda here since I have never seen him as a child that much and even much less interacting with anyone besides Zuu. I don't think I was able to catch that frustration (or whatever) about his character since I was writing as a child and I do not know how different he could be or not.
I'm hoping I got it right at least within IC territory enough.