Title: Happiness Is A Warm Gun
Rating: MA. That means sex, boys and girls! Or at least it would if there WAS sex in this chapter, and not just Archer thinking really, really hard about it.
Characters: Archer x Rin
Word Count: 1648
Warning/s: Some minor Heaven's Feel spoilers.
Summary: Of practically its own volition, Archer's gaze whipped back to the open bathroom window.
Dedication: To anonymous proxy, because it's been a while since I've dedicated something to you. Sorry it had to be this. -cowers apologetically-
A/N: Done for my Archer x Rin 30(underscore)lemons challenge, using prompt 21. Alone Time, or, "When I Think About You, I Touch Myself". I'm truly, truly sorry about the title of this chapter, but frankly it's going to take a stronger willed person than me to NOT go for the Across The Universe song with the most suggestive title when doing a theme based on, um...well, choose your own euphemism. Although I ended up sticking to the theme without having to resort to Archer..relieving his frustration. I'd thank God for this, but I have a feeling this was more the work of Satan.

And yes, I realize this is the second 30(underscore)lemons claim I've done, and Archer and Rin still have yet to actually have sex in any meaningful (i.e., lengthy and descriptive) way. Will fix that with chapter 3!

Note: Re-edited, since I wasn't happy with my original finished product. Hopefully, the additions will help with the confusion of people who aren't all that familiar with the Heaven's Feel route.

Fate/stay night © TYPE-MOON / Kadokawa Shoten / Studio DEEN.

Cross-posted to fsn(underscore)fiction. 30(underscore)lemons and my personal lj.

The sun had long since set on the sixth day of the Grail War when Archer realized for the first time that something was wrong, in the way only an eirei could. It was amazing what humans, even sensitive ones like Rin, could blind themselves to when they wished. But Servants are the pure essence of the soul, no more flesh and blood than oceans or mountains despite the look and feel of their appearances. Unburdened by bodies, there are things that are impossible for them to miss.

The land of Fuyuki itself was tainted, an unnatural darkness spreading like bloodstains on white silk. It had unsettled him enough that he had held off-at least for the moment-on his vendetta against Emiya Shirou. Much as he wished to kill the younger version of himself from this world, to spare him the pain of his ideals, something told him this was more important.

It just wasn't until he encountered Matou Zouken for the first time-as an eirei, anyway-that Archer was able to attach a face to that …decaying…feeling that was growing ever stronger as the Holy Grail War passed on.

Archer hadn't known the old Matou patriarch well in life. In fact, he had only ever caught an occasional glance of the wizened-looking man, looming like some ancient and vicious bird of prey, through the windows of the Matou family mansion when he had walked Sakura home.

Zouken had died fairly soon after the end of the Grail War Archer had participated in as a Master. He hadn't thought much of it at the time, but now…

Now he could have no more ignored the sickening feeling radiating from the old man's bent form than he could have the midday sun. It was obvious that whatever humanity Zouken possessed had been lost long ago-exactly how long being another question well worth knowing the answer to.

Of course, certain elements of this meeting with the Matou patriarch meant that these anomalies had become evident to Rin as well, safely behind him. Mind you, the silent form of Caster next to Zouken would have made this obvious to those far less observant than Rin. For one thing, the corpses of Servants killed just yesterday by Saber usually didn't become animated through their own means.

"That's…that's not Caster." Rin said over his shoulder, and the quiet horror in her voice was unmistakable.

"No." Archer replied curtly, eyes not leaving the pair before them. "She's no more than a corpse-puppet."

He didn't need to look at Rin to tell her shoulders were growing tenser, her fingers clutching her gemstones a little more tightly. Swiftly, he slid into a fighting stance, weapons ready at a moment's notice. However, a split second before he could begin the chant to release Unlimited Blade Works-

The pavement cracked slightly underneath Saber's feet as she landed beside him, Shirou following slightly further behind. Currents of gleaming wind made a shimmering, ethereal display out of her sword, pointed directly at Caster and Zouken. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Saber reach the same conclusion he had a moment earlier, though unlike him, she actually had to point it out to her Master.

It only took a second's glance between the two Servants to reach a temporary détente. Simultaneously the two eirei leapt towards Caster. In such a reduced state against two far superior foes, the corpse-puppet didn't stand a chance. It may have been a trick of the weak moonlight, but Archer thought he glimpsed a brief smile across her face before Saber sliced her head off with one clean stroke.

Leaving Caster to Saber, Archer sprang for Zouken, who was predictably attempting to flee, instantly slicing through his chest with Kansho. For one second, Archer relaxed…until the old man deconstructed into hundreds of gray worms, moving far faster than Archer would have given them credit for. Even so, it wouldn't have taken much effort to destroy the individual worms.

But then the Shadow arrived, and Archer's blood ran cold. Masters and Servants alike stood immobile, well aware of the threat posed by the enigmatic menace that had already devoured Assassin, Lancer, and Caster.

Like a pool of spilled oil with red veins, the Shadow expanded steadily until it was brushing the foot of Shirou, who happened to be closest to it. Then, the strangest thing happened. The Shadow seemed to hesitate, if such a word could even be applied to it, before shrinking and vanishing out of sight. Shirou wobbled before slumping to the ground, enough of his mana having been drained in the brief encounter to make him pass out.

Kneeling down next to Shirou, Rin carefully checked his pulse. Evidently judging him to be simply tired and in no real danger, she shook the other Master awake before Saber's sword convinced her in no uncertain terms to move back.

"I am not ungrateful for your aid." The Saber-class replied, more at Archer's piercing glare than Rin's annoyed expression. "But you are Archer's Master, and my enemy."

Weakly, Shirou coughed before standing up, brushing off Saber's offer of support.

"Don't…Saber…" Shirou insisted as firmly as he could. "Tohsaka and Archer helped us, after all."

"It's good of you to remember that." Rin retorted, still obviously irked. "Because I'm going to have to use the bath at your place, since it's closer." She continued, gesturing to the blood splatter that covered her shirt, skirt, and face-a direct consequence of being so close to Caster as she had been decapitated. "I can't walk back home like this."

Unsurprisingly, Shirou gave in without a fight.

"Sure, Tohsaka. If you feel safe enough, you're welcome to."

Rin brushed back a loose wave of hair, some of her natural poise returning.

"Safety isn't a concern of mine. Archer will be standing guard, of course. I'll take my bath, go home, and then we can return to the business of trying to kill each other as nicely as possible."

And don't think I can't tell you're glaring at me, Archer. Rin's voice echoed in his head.

Damn.

It takes a very specific type of mindset to stand guard for long stretches of time, especially when where you are guarding is fairly unlikely to be attacked.

This is because guard duty is very, very dull.

Unfortunately for Archer, being imaginative as well as extremely intelligent meant he was currently bored out of his mind. Not for the first time, the eirei cursed the still healing slash on his chest that had so severely restrained his ability to be useful.

Once more, he scanned the surrounding area from his post atop the Emiya storehouse. Not that he really expected things to have really changed much since his last sweep, but it didn't hurt to check.

Trees.

Empty street.

Emiya cooking dinner, as Sakura had taken with another sudden weak spell.

Rin relaxing in the bath.

More tre-

Of practically its own volition, Archer's gaze whipped back to the open bathroom window. What greeted him would have made a believer out of an atheist, simply because there was no way a higher being wasn't at least partly responsible for Rin's creamy skin and svelte figure, for the sable colored hair clinging damply to petite yet perfectly shaped breasts.

To say nothing of the nicest legs he had ever seen on a woman. He was so mesmerized by the sight of them through the bathwater it was a full seven minutes until he became aware of the fact he was staring at his Master like a desperate teenager.

And that the fit of his pants had gotten somewhat...tighter.

Then Rin stood up to reach for a washcloth and Archer's brain completely shut down, unable to comprehend anything but those lovely, supple curves, made all the more enticing by the moisture of the water she had just been immersed in. With lightening clarity, Archer understood exactly how Actaeon the hunter had felt upon stumbling upon Artemis bathing. If it had been anywhere near as magnificent as the sight of Rin was now, the man probably hadn't minded being killed by his own dogs immediately afterwards.

The part of his brain that valued life, or more specifically life without dismemberment tried reminding Archer to little effect that he wasn't courting death so much as cooking a romantic dinner for it, proposing marriage, and settling down with a couple of children and a dog. The logical part pointed out more successfully all the reasons taking his desire any further would be a Bad Idea: he was technically dead, had a decade on her, it was only a matter of time before he vanished and forgot this all ever happened...

And there was still the matter of Emiya Shirou.

The weight of Archer's personal mission to kill his younger self was probably the only thing that could have taken his mind off Rin. The only reason he hadn't taken his chance was the sheer...strangeness...of the situation with Sakura, of the Shadow, of Matou Zoken and his disgusting use of Caster's corpse as a puppet. His instincts were screaming at him that something was wrong, terribly wrong, and it had to do with her.

He just couldn't figure out what, exactly. The Grail War he was currently a Servant in was drastically different from the one in which he had been a Master, so even his memories were of no use.

Lustful spell broken, his eyes drifted once more to the window. Rin was in a robe, gently toweling off her hair. Feeling oddly wistful, he watched her until she left the room. Not for the raging desire her body never failed to evoke from him, or the worryingly strong feelings simply being with her gave him, but because of the sheer peacefulness of the scene, even for a few moments.

A peace Archer knew wasn't going to last.