Letter junket

A few days later the whole family sat at the dinner table and discussed Merry and Paddy's future school attendance. The lads would be in the same class, and they planned to look as identical as possible their first school day. That was not the easiest because they were everything but physically alike.

"I'll get some glasses and you Merry have to bleach your hair so we both look like bratz!" cried Paddy eagerly from the toilet where he for the time being was.

"Yees sure", nodded Merry frenetically, "And by the way you Paddy have to reduce weight while I eat as much as I humanly can without vomiting or dying of eutrophication."

"OK then we begin today!"

Later the same week Merry had gained 20 kilos and Paddy had begun to faint every half an hour due to hunger. Merry had also bleached his black hair, and Paddy could hardly see because of the thick glasses which he did not need, but his father had bought anyway as the doormat he was. Furthermore Merry planned to get platform shoes so that their heights would be the same. They were going to wear identical clothing – of course – school uniform which consisted of orange trousers with a very big pocket at the front, a long-sleeved sweater which was luminescent and neon coloured in glaringly lilac and a pink turban with the text Schlagerbööög typ ba broidered at the back. In order to strengthen the pupils' egos even more everyone would also bring their private sub-machine gun (so they had something to disport themselves with during the breaks).

Two weeks before the school started Merry got a letter. In the beginning he assumed it was a prank letter or a letter-bomb, which was what he usually got. He finally realized after many hours rock hard concentration that was not the case. He opened the letter and tried for three hours to read it, but then realized he could not. Four days later he gave it to his uncle and aunt to read it for him. It said:

"Dear Mr. Poopis, daaaamn it! I mean POPPIS,

Thou are hereby accepted to one of the most infamous, daaaamn it again I mean superior schools in Great Britain. But helloo McDreamagall, you really suit without clothes…… hmmmmmmmmmm……..ahahahahaha……… Yes! Yes! YES……… Mmmmmm… Where was I? Yeah, right, The school's name is Dogwarts oippsie I mean Frogwarts. Thou shalt be on platform 9 ¾ the 1/9 7:00 am. Do not be late! BECAUSE THE HUBBABUBBA WILL COME AND GET YOU…

Thou shalt purchase following items:

Three changings of simple work wear (spangled)

One simple turban in the school's colours (red and brown)

Condoms in case HubbaBubba gets you

One pair of thongs/too tight underpants, whichever you prefer, for festive occasions

One winter cloak

One blueberry pie or such

One pointed hat/nightcap

"Basic spells for dummies" by Veranda Npoibn

"History of magic squared" by Myrenda Toustou

"Transfiguration and other crap" by Emerwald Föö

You can also bring sweets in big bags, which you can give to me if you want some more points :D

"Magical stuff and stump and stunt etc. etc." by Fli Gurrli

"Three billions of herbs and such" by Matt Fatpearl

"The skill to hurt others and repair things" by Anonymous

One wand

One pair of golden binoculars and a golden cauldron

A crazy pet: toad, cat or a big raptor which can protect you against HubbaBubba and other maniacs, undersigned included… Moahahahaha…

Good luck! I hope You will be on time, for your sake…

See ya!

The headmaster, Acke Dumlefool"

Merry glared insolently at his relatives. "What? I wasn't listening…" He glanced in the direction of the TV.

His uncle repeated the long and insane letter after he had turned off the TV. Merry's reaction yet defaulted though.

"You will start at a wizards' school Merry!" Buttercup giggled. She seemed to be euphoric with happiness for once.

Merry observed her stupidly. "I don't want to, why should I go there and not Paddy", he said with a whiny little voice, "And who the hell's HubbaBubba?"

"Because you are a wizard. We have told you a hundred thousand times, it never seems to sink into your darned head", said Buttercup who still appeared to be very happy.

Merry went from there and sat down on the couch, whence he began to fret on the coffee-table, as he so often had done when he was younger and had experienced something traumatic.

"Come ooooooon don't do like that again, think of something new instead", Buttercup said with her usual spiteful voice.

The following days Merry's aunt and uncle did everything to convince Merry to go. They had different reasons; Mr Deutsch wanted him to make full use of his potential, and therefore had to take this chance, Mrs Deutsch on the other hand just wanted to get rid of him, as so many others (Merry had a very bad reputation because he had the habit to lay letter-bombs in the neighbours' mailboxes and sometimes even posed on top of people's chimneys, smeared in Johnson's baby oil and carbon pretending to be a myling).

Soon the gossip spread among the neighbours that there was a possibility that Merry could enter a boarding-school far far away. Hence there was now many who tried to convince him to go. They all had different lines of action… A popular method was to threat/beat the crap out of him. Mrs Deutsch was the eagerest attendant of them all. Mr Deutsch and a few others tried to bribe him, or in other more peaceful ways encourage him to depart.

The only one who did not want Merry to leave them was Paddy, who became totally hysterical and generally unstable whenever anyone said anything about Merry's contingent departure, which was almost all the time, as the neighbours constantly pressed their pig noses against the window glass, in the hope of succeeding to unnerve them. When the beginning of term approached the neighbours became more and more persistent – and violent – in their attempts, so finally the family had had enough and fled one night under the protection of the darkness.

They travelled in the family's rusty wretched-mobile for twenty-four hours. Once in a while Mr Deutsch turned sharply amid the traffic and drove in the wrong direction for a while, in case of some extra fanatic neighbour would like to play car chase.

"Shake 'em off… Shake 'em off", he would mutter whenever he did this.

The road ended at noon the following day. They were right now in a harbour which was empty, with the exception of a luxurious yacht. Naturally they stole it. Hunted by bilious gangsters they whizzed through the water like a beaver on its way to a tree, until they got to a desert island. A lonely, threadbare, skinny man sped to them with a hopeful smile.

"Hi, wait! At last somebody comes here! The only one who has visited me under the 15 years I have been shipwrecked here is a madman called HubbaBubba! He has refused to get help, and has turned me into his Bitch-"

Here Mr Deutch shot the poor man/Bitch.

"It was the most humane thing to do."

"How d'you mean?" Paddy asked.

"Eeer… He did not have to suffer anymore… Jawohl…" Mr Deutsch trailed.

In fact Mr Deutsch had noticed his wife's gaze full with poorly disguised desire towards the man's six-pack (he had exercised in 15 years in hopes of succeeding to beat HubbaBubba one day).

The family explored the island. The only interesting thing they found was a stinking, mouldy hut.

"I think we should live on the boat", said Merry dissatisfied.

"I agree", said Paddy and glowered sullenly at the hut.

Mrs Deutch, who still was exasperated, fizzed: "Well come then, murderers and brats!"

But as they reached the shore they saw that the boat was on the point of disappearing in the horizon, with the shot, but still alive, man happily waving.

The family went crestfallenly back to the hut.

"But I turn eleven tomorrow! I want presents!" Merry whined as the spoiled whipster he was.

Paddy, who was exceedingly happy that Merry would not be leaving him, refused to release his grip of Merry's leg.

"Jawohl, I promise that you will get your presents when we come home", Mr Deutsch said patiently.

Then they heard a strenuous blatter against the fragile roof. As they ran out (Merry had to battle as Paddy still held on tight to his leg) they saw a lot of birds of all possible types (remarkable many Great Tits) were dumping garbage on the hut. When they looked closer they saw that it was letters. Each one was identical and addressed to

Merry Poppis,

The-hut-on-the-island,

England.

Merry opened a letter and let Mr Deutsch read it.

"WARNING! CRANK LETTER! THE LAST WARNING!

We have noticed that You have not purchased Your wizardry material and are not intending to go to Frogwarts. Therefore the Keeper of the Keys HubbaBubba (!) will come and get You (!!!). We recommend You to prepare Yourself for pain and fear."

"Dammit, such bossy bastards", Merry howled angrily and began to run in circles. Paddy, who already was out of balance, was vomiting vehemently. Mrs Deutch giggled and danced jitterbug in pure bliss.

"What will we do!?!" screamed Paddy panicked.

"I'm tired. Let's go to sleep", Merry said and yawned so the saliva spurted.

Swedish dictionary:

Schlagerbööög = schlagerbög: "schlager" = a kind of music style, like pop but worse, "bög" = fag, gay, homosexual man

Typ = kind of/like

Ba = slang for "bara" = just

Myling = the phantasmal incarnations of the souls of unbaptized or murdered children – only known in Scandinavia