The Sorting Potty
When they had come intra the door they were met by a middle-aged witch, honour of the evening dressed in pink net tights, leopard patterned blouse with way to deep cleavage and very tight hotpants of spandex. HB was tracelessly missing, but no one saw his sudden absence as something negative.
"Welcome to Frogwarts little sweethearts", she greeted them with sweeping eyelashes, "I am professor McDreamagall, and I teach in transfiguration. You will soon be appointed… eh, undergo the sorting ceremony, where you will be sorted in one of the four student hostels; Slytherin, Hufflepuff, Gryffindor and Ravenclaw. Meanwhile you will wait in here", she said and pointed at a door.
All the children were subsequently jostled into a broom cupboard, where they appalled and hypothermic sat huddled together on the floor, next to the mops. Merry, who did not have sense enough to be awestruck, greased himself with scouring agent and slid around, and danced some break dance on the minimal floor space.
After about an hour they heard voices, but it was not because they were schizophrenics, but because some ghosts had trodden through the closed door.
"Hello", said an unusual obese ghost, which looked way to massive to be someone without a physical body.
"You are the first-years, are you not?" wondered a ghost without a head.
"Naturally you sliver, they are in the first-years' cubbyhole!" roared a creepy ghost with a bloody apron.
Then the ghosts went off as they already were bored and wanted to party.
The door disrupted and in came an old geezer with the beard twined three turns around the waist. The pupils waited in vain for him to say something, but the man just sat down and peered up on the ceiling. After a couple of minutes the silence began to feel uncomfortable for even the most untalented. Finally Mallboy uttered.
"I beg your pardon my gentleman, but who are you?"
The geezer just sniggered, and now peered at Mallboy instead. After a couple of minutes, when Mallboy already had given up a response from the odd shuffler, the stranger at last said something.
"S W E E T S. I want sweets. Now. Gimme, it was actually on the list!"
"Err… Our luggage isn't here yet, we'd to leave it on the train," said a boy with rat coloured hair.
"I understand", the geezer said, rose and went off. Just before the door clanged after him he winked so they would follow him. They followed the man, because they accepted whichever apology for finally leave the cubbyhole.
The geezer began to jog rapidly upstairs, they followed him in the hocks as good as they could (their limbs were stiff of cold). They began to totally loose the hope when they had lagged behind quite hearty after the fourth stair. But then they saw the geezer turn sharply and scoot downstairs again. Yet again the pupils followed, now downstairs, until they reached the level they had started on. The man disrupted the door closest the broom cupboard and rushed inside. The pupils went panting inside too.
Suddenly they were on a gigantic stage, in an even bigger hall filled with people who were staring at them. It was dead silent in the hall. On the stage was also a big old potty on a red stool.
"Oho you are here now", McDreamagall said, "It took quite some time huh? Fair enough, sorting time!"
The potty burst out in merry song:
"Oh you may not think that I am pretty,
But don't judge me yet you external bastards,
I promise to pee on myself if you can find
A smarter potty than me
You can keep your damned turbans,
And your water-closets which are new and clean,
For I'm the Frogwarts sorting potty
And therefore I beat the crap out of all the others,
There's nothing hidden in your head
That I not immediately can reveal and tell everyone,
Sit down on me and I shall say
In which home you rather ought to be,
You perhaps fit best in Gryffindor;
Where impulsive idiots with reckless hearts live
Whose foolishness always has amazed,
You differ from the mass of students
You may belong in Hufflepuff,
Where all the gutless turds live,
Yes the Hufflepuffs readily hide from maniacs,
And never hesitate to do others homework,
Haply are your home Ravenclaw,
For there all nerds' and geeks' refuge is,
And only think about school all the time,
Will there always find other brainiacs,
Or maybe in Slytherin,
Where everybody else comes,
Since they lack personality,
Where decently normal humans try to survive
So put now on the potty, do not be horrified,
Do not have the shivers, for I can promise
That you are in safe hands (though I have none)
For I'm thinking potty!!!"
The whole hall broke out in pattering applauses. Especially the old geezer seemed to have appreciated the song. Rolle, who had been in a kind of half-sleeping hibernation, jerked and looked surprised around.
McDreamagall said: "When I array your name you shall go to the pot and sit down on it. Hannah Bass!"
A fishlike girl with web between the fingers ran eagerly along and sat down on the potty. Some seconds later the potty burst out:
"Hufflepuff, and you like to eat raw fish!"
The Hufflepuff table applauded, and Hannah, who blushed deeply, joined them.
Every time the potty called out a pupil's new hostel it added a secret too, presumably the one which was the most humiliating for the pupil in question.
After a while it was Mallboy's turn.
"Slytherin, and you sort your clothes after colour scale!"
He joined von Crab and Miss Giggle who had landed in the same student hostel.
Soon it was Merry's turn.
Finally, this sucks, he thought.
"Merry Poppis", whispered the potty with muffled voice from Merry's rump, "Simple choice… You're way too abnormal for Slytherin, too unmindful for Hufflepuff, and definitively too stupid for Ravenclaw! On the other hand are you more than enough impulsive and dumb for Gryffindor."
"Gryffindor, and you're way too stupid to feel ashamed for any of your many wacky habits!"
Merry was all too unobservant (and uninterested) to notice that he got the most applauds so far.
A few minutes later Deville sat himself on the potty.
"Gryffindor, and you want to take over the world!" howled the potty.
Deville became entirely tomato red in the face and cried angry tears.
"YOU EXPOSED MY SECRET PLAN! FUCKING POTTY!!!" he screamed upset. With an insane face he lifted up the heavy potty and dumped it on the floor. However the potty bounced totally unharmed back up in the air, straight in Deville's face and broke his nose. Even more humbled Deville sat down opposite Merry.
When Rolle's name was arrayed he jerked again. He shuffled along to the potty and collapsed on it.
"Please let me come to Slytherin", he pleaded.
"I'd let you come there, but since you pleaded so nice you'll come to Gryffindor, because you despise all impulsive fools there!"
The applauses defaulted. All the Gryffindors glowered angrily at Rolle, except Merry who had forgotten which student hostel he belonged to.
After the sorting rose the most distorted headmaster the world had beheld in a very long time.
"Welcome all children!!!" he said and cackled. "I see that you all are here and are really hungry, hence I'll be short." Thereon he read Shakespeare's Hamlet which took maybe two hours. He screamed heartbreaking, sobbing and griping under the saddest parts, that is to say mostly under the last 10 minutes.
Merry was hungry, surly and considered many times to interrupt the headmaster, but every time he was stopped by Piercy, who sat next to him and thought that it was audacious to disrupt someone, even if this someone was crazy. At last the headmaster quieted and began thereafter speak about school rules for one quarter hour more. When everyone had fallen asleep (except Rolle who just had woken up for once) or fainted of hunger, the headmaster illuminated that they had to go to bed without food since it was so late. Piercy and the other Perfects led the other hungry pupils to their dormitories. Merry was so tired that he did not even cope to look around.