A/N: I decided after various death threats and random curses to write more, lol just kidding, but that is part of it…

Just some random ramblings before I start: The Cab are officially my new favourite band, Patrick Stump's random verses on some of their songs are cool. Woo! I'm going to see FOB in 2 weeks.

Reviews, reviews… you didn't come anywhere near the unreal count of 40 (I was on painkillers and sick, what do you expect me to write?), but you did give me over 24.

Thanks to:

Shining Eclipse

twilight-is-lovee

Breeze.x.x

sovoyita

EC4me

F-Clearwater

TwilightNerd

Marygrace

ShatteredLoveBrokenDreams

bearhug946

Xx EdwardLova xX

friscofilly (I think you might have damaged your keyboard by smashing 'MORE MORE MORE' into it)

bloodredeclipse

InLustWithEC

jadesabre75

ericca.xx

Superhinata

TwilightLover15

kms1979

nicole036

Kari-Jani

Luvntwilight

The Indigo Spirit

Heartless Moon

Team Renesmee (The condition happened to a friend of a friend and I looked up a lot of the rest on medical sites. As far as I can tell, Bella's fits can last anything from ten minutes to two hours because of the severity of her condition. Her epilepsy is only minor but with PTSD and the fact she is prone to panic attacks, the seizures are intensified.)

Thanks to Shining Eclipse for being my beta

One amazing thing I realised after reading your reviews: I HAVE CAUSED THE IMPOSSIBLE, you all hate Edward Cullen. If you don't believe me, go back and read all of the 'edward really is such a poo face', 'I AM EXTREMLY ANGRY AT EDWARD', 'UHG! WHY IS EDWARD SO STUPID!', 'Growls Jerk.', comments… Seriously I thought it was impossible for Edward Cullen to be hated, but I have somehow caused it.

Btw: As you know, I'm Irish and all we celebrate here after Halloween is Christmas so I can't really throw in any detailed references to Thanksgiving or anything.

Dec 20th

Bella Swan

I honestly think it's amazing how your emotions end up dictating how time travels around you. If you were to ask someone how fast time passes, they would answer "one second, two seconds, three…". If you were to ask me, I would say "in lurches when I'm happy, it drags when I'm depressed, but it flies by unnoticed when I'm dead inside".

That's how it's been for the past few months. Time either drags by, or passes so quickly that I don't realize I haven't eaten in days or I had an appointment last Thursday but forgot to go. Sometimes I hope it would drag by, it means Charlie doesn't get scared.

He came up last week, almost exploding from frustration. He asked me something about when I last had eaten. I simply answered "I have no idea". His face went a strange shade of purple before he stormed out.

Every hour, my alarm clock goes off. It was a suggestion by my psychiatrist, to help me understand the speed of time. Every three hours and forty-five minutes, Charlie drops a plate of food outside my door. One of my own suggestions, I can't be bothered to keep track of my meals.

"Bells? I'm decorating the tree; do you want to come down?"

I pulled my face out of the permanent crease in my pillow and stared at the door. Decorating the tree seemed like a happy task. It was too bad I wasn't happy.

"I think I'll just stay here," I shouted down. I rolled onto my back and surveyed my surroundings. I had a habit to do this once a week, preferably on a Saturday.

My room has become my hovel so to say, except that I keep it meticulously clean. No clothes on the ground, no books strewn across the desk, no papers cluttering the bin. When Charlie came up here a few weeks ago to see why I was here, he was surprised to see my room like this. He muttered something about 'all personality drained out of her'. I find this funny; I feel empty, therefore my room is empty. It reflects me perfectly at the moment.

I smiled at this. Being empty has suited me so far. I didn't have to go to school. I didn't have to leave the house … the psychiatrist visits me every two days. And Charlie doesn't have to worry about me being in any danger if I don't even walk out the front door or go down the stairs.

The thumping of Charlie's feet on the stairs gave me enough time to sit up. He cracked the door open and checked hesitantly on me. Once he was certain I wasn't changing, he pushed it open fully. He looked sad. It hurt to see him like this.

"C'mon Bells. It's almost Christmas, our first Christmas together since your mother left," he choked a little when he mentioned Mom. "I want you to come down; it's not good for you to be up here twenty-four-seven."

He sat down on the edge of my bed, looking at me until he got uncomfortable and looked down. I felt upset that Charlie mentioned that this is our first Christmas together since I was seven.

He sighed and stood up. "If you don't want to, you don't-"

"No," I said, weakly pushing myself off the bed. "I'll come down."

Charlie's face brightened considerably. I smiled.

"Sure it would probably be a good thing to have me help. You're hopeless at decorating anything." I joked.

We walked downstairs. I hadn't been down in a while. Charlie had pinned notices onto the wall beside the door, reminding him when my next appointment was.

The sitting room was packed with boxes. The tree stood proudly in the corner of the room. It wasn't large by any standards, but it still dominated the small room. I picked my way carefully around the boxes and stood beside Charlie.

"Lights first," I said to myself, reaching for the box.

Charlie frowned. "I always put the decorations first."

I laughed, it sounded weak even in my own ears. "Haven't you noticed over the years that it's hard to thread the wires through all of the decorations?"

He smiled. "I guess my logic is off when it comes to this type of thing."

We worked happily for an hour. Once the lights and decorations were up, Charlie searched around the empty boxes for something.

"Shoot. Bella can you go into the kitchen and grab the box on the table?"

I stopped adjusting the lights and nodded. Charlie started to hum carols when I left. He hadn't been this light-hearted in a while.

The kitchen had changed slightly. Pots and pans filled the sink, take-out boxes overflowed from the bin. I spotted the small box labeled 'star' that sat on the table. Picking it up, I turned and started towards the door. A large pad of paper beside the phone caught my eye. Upon closer inspection I realized it wasn't a pad, but possibly a hundred sheets fixed together.

On it Charlie had written dates and times, starting with earlier today. 13:53 20th December, 09:35 20th December, 21:12 19th December… Flicking through, the pages were filled with dates and times. Sometimes there were possibly five or six recordings on a single day.

"Bella?"

I spun around; Charlie was leaning against the door frame. "What are you looking at?" he asked.

I held up the pages and his face went white. He stepped forward and tried to take it out of my hands.

"It's nothing, honey, put it down and come back to finish the tree," he said coaxingly.

I continued flicking through the pages.

15:47 14th November.

10:19 1st November.

It continued until October. I read some notes that had been put on some of the earlier entries.

"Call back", "Asked to speak …", "Pleaded to come and see", "threatened to show up".

The notes got more detailed as I went to the first few entries. Mainly most of them were the same as the later ones, just longer.

I reached the first page and noted that there were seventeen calls on that day.

"What is this a record of?" I asked quietly.

Charlie shuffled uncomfortably beside me and took the pages from me, putting them beside the phone.

"Nothing," he answered.

I nodded. He had a right to get away with vague answers, since I had said barely anything over the past few months. I handed him the star and grimaced at the dishes and rubbish.

"I had better start cleaning if we want to use this kitchen again."

I emptied the sink until I could easily wash the load that was in it. Charlie walked slowly down the hall to the sitting room. I settled into the comforting task of methodically washing and drying the dishes. It felt so familiar. Rinse…scrub…rinse…dry…rinse…scrub…

I was surprised that I hadn't done this sooner; helping Charlie downstairs. He obviously couldn't cook properly judging by the burnt remains on the pans and the amount of take-out cartons. I calculated that there must have been about a month and a half of dinners in the bin and another week of pans in the sink.

I was nearly finished when Charlie returned. He smiled approvingly at my work and gathered up all of the rubbish to bring outside. The phone rang just as he was opening the door. I stared at it but did not move. I knew that someone was on the other end and I wasn't able to speak to anyone else yet.

Charlie dropped the rubbish and ran to get it.

"Yes?" he answered gruffly. "That worked, yes… Fine… I'll pass it on when the time's right… Goodbye."

"Who was that?" I asked, trying to make conversation.

"No-one," Charlie replied.

Instead of going to pick up the rubbish like I expected him to, he went over to the pages and proceeded to write something on them. I stayed where I was until he had gone out with the rubbish. Once he was out of sight, I glanced over at the pages. Whoever just called must have been the person Charlie was recording.

I was insanely curious to see what he had written. I could see that he had made a note after the date. Sighing, I dropped the plate I was scrubbing and walked over to the phone. Scanning the page, I reached the last entry.

19:36 20th December: Says 'Merry Christmas'.

I frowned at the page. Charlie had said "I'll pass it on when the time's right", could this be the message? But why would he wait to pass on something like this? A small voice commanded me to walk away from the page and to stop thinking about it. I happily complied, whatever 'this' was, it was pulling something distant and frightening from within me.

Dec 20th

Edward Cullen

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa-la-la-la-la LA-LA LA-LA! Uhm … duh duh-duh duh-duh, duh-duh-duh. Fa-la-la-la-la LA-LA LA-LA!"

Emmett's voice boomed through the house at nine in the morning. Nine in the flipping morning. If I hadn't been asleep I would have cheerfully beaten him to death, humming 'Silent Night'.

"What the fuck!? It's not even daylight!"

Alice must be hung-over. Usually her and Emmett storm through the house screaming carols at the top of their lungs during the week leading up to Christmas. Now she was shrieking profanities while moaning from her apparently throbbing head and lack of coordination.

My door was thrown open and the irritated pixie stomped in. She slammed the door behind her and groaned when it shut noisily. She looked at me and grimaced.

"You look terrible, when was the last time you slept?"

I shrugged. "Whenever Dad gave me those pills that time."

Alice slouched over to my bed and sat gingerly on it. It was perfectly made from when I last changed the sheets. I turned back to my laptop and stared at the screen. Sighing, it dawned on me that this may be the only human contact I would be able to handle today.

"When did you get home last night?" I asked.

Alice lay down on the bed and covered her eyes. "Well the party ended at two but I got home at four. Emmett was meant to drive me home but he ended up at Rose's. Jazz walked me to his house and we had to wait until he sobered up enough to drive."

"'Sobered up', yeah right," I muttered sarcastically. "How come Emmett's not hung-over?"

"Dad made him promise to only have two beers since he was meant to drive me home."

I nodded. The clock on the screen told me it was 9:25. I would probably call again soon.

"Has he said anything about her?" Alice asked quietly from the bed.

"No, nothing." I answered flatly.

I had been calling regularly ever since… well ever since I last seen Bella. At first Charlie yelled about how depressed Bella was. After a few weeks he became sympathetic, as if I could help if Bella was able to see me again. I think he recognized a bit of himself in me; fighting endlessly to see someone who wouldn't even say your name. Recently he had realized that only Bella could bring herself around.

Dad kept in contact with the psychiatrist that had been assigned to her after Dad decided it would only be harder for her if he continued.

Everything that was passed to Dad was passed down to me. I needed every small piece of information about Bella; I lived off the knowledge that she was still alive.

"I wonder…" Alice murmured.

"What?" I said, snapping my head around to see her.

She shook her head but looked thoughtful. She muttered to herself and stood up gingerly, her balance looked as reliable as Emmett's cooking skills. Once she had left the room, I slumped further into my seat, knowing that I would most likely be alone for the rest of the day.

I didn't crave anyone's attention at home. I wanted to see Bella, to talk to her, and that made me completely and utterly unsociable. When I was around my family, I thought of her; of what she could be doing at that very second. I was snappy, moody and angry when I was around other people.

But I needed to talk to someone in the day. It was unhealthy to not have any human contact. I gladly took what little chance I was given.

The screen before me turned a dark blue and the screensaver started to flash. I jolted the mouse to return it to the search engine.

This is all I did during the day, stare at Google. It was pathetic but I couldn't do anything else. All of my books and CD's reminded me of Bella. Every time I tried to play a piece on the piano, it quickly turned to something dark and sinister or sad and lonely. I didn't want to depress or annoy my family further by playing something like that anyway.

I jumped up when the screen told me it was 9:33. I grabbed my cell from under my bed and quickly turned it on. I waited impatiently for it to turn on. Pressing the speed-dial number, I held it up to my ear and listened to the dial-tone.

"She's not even awake yet." Charlie's voice was rough but I welcomed it, he was the last part of Bella I could connect with.

I let out a sigh of relief knowing that she was okay today.

"Did she get to sleep last night?" I asked.

Charlie sighed. "It's still the same; she's taking the pills every night now because of the insomnia."

My jaw clenched. Bella had been suffering from insomnia for two months now. She had been through so much, and now she was suffering from depression and insomnia. And there was nothing I could do unless she asked to see me.

I cleared my throat and head before I spoke.

"Is she… I mean, does she show any… reaction to the holidays?"

Charlie sighed again. "No, I don't even think she realizes Christmas is 5 days away."

"Okay, well if anything happens-"

"Call you, I know. Try and have a good day, kid. You're not doing yourself any favors by worrying over Bella every minute of the day."

"I'll try. Bye"

I snapped the phone shut and slumped onto the bed. Another regular morning routine: find out Bella was still the same and wait until I could call again.

I sat for what could have been days; time didn't make any sense anymore. Finally, when the scent of lunch wafted through the closed door, I sat up and walked towards the door.

My clock said it was 13:32. I would call again after lunch.

"… well it's your own fault if you broke your bed. You shouldn't have been jumping on it."

"But, Mom. What am I meant to do? Bounce on the bed or your couch?"

Emmett and Mom sat at opposite sides of the table, arguing again over the third bed Emmett had damaged this month. Dad and Alice sat at the counter, avoiding what could turn into a full scale war if Emmett threw a tantrum.

"You bounce on my couch and you're getting an eviction notice. Do you know how long it took me to find that couch?"

Mom was pointing her fork at Emmett, giving him the hated 'that couch' speech.

"It might be a good idea to grab the plate and go," Dad muttered as I reached over to grab my food.

Mom and Emmett continued to bicker. Alice pressed her cheek against the counter and closed her eyes. "Make them stop," she pleaded.

Dad looked at her sympathetically and got up. He rummaged in the drawers until he pulled out the three most used packets in the house, used to make Emmett's Cure. It was the only thing to cure a hangover and was created when, after many attempts to mull his throbbing head, Emmett shoved whatever he could find into a blender and drank it.

He handed the glass of orange liquid over to Alice and she gulped it down in three mouthfuls. Mom and Emmett had stopped arguing but were staring at each other menacingly. I sighed and grabbed my plate, staying down here would only make me aggravated.

I slouched up the stairs and sat in my room, slowly chewing on my lunch. My cell taunted me from the floor. Once I had finished, I grabbed it and dialed.

"Still the same, Edward."

I sat on my chair and ran my hand through my hair. Would there ever be a change?

"Is she awake?"

"Yeah, but she's still in her room. I don't know what to do with her. She should be down here, helping me with the tree. She used to love Christmas, remember when you and her made that star in Kindergarten? The two of you swapped it every year…"

He trailed off and I was left with memories of a time when everything seemed so simple and straightforward.

"Why don't you ask her to help you decorate the tree? She shouldn't drift through Christmas without decorating the tree," I said, hoping he would ask her.

"That's actually a good idea. Thanks. I should go, her lunch is ready. Bye"

The dial tone echoed in my ear. I itched to ring again later, to see if she would say yes.

I smiled when I remembered the star. We had spent a week on it. She had made me take it the first year; I made her promise to have it the next year. We alternated each year until she left. I wanted her to take it with her but she argued that it would be wasted if it came with her, because there was only her and her mom.

I gave the star back to Charlie once the first Christmas without Bella passed, hoping that she would take it when he went to visit her during the summer. I remember that during the Christmas without her, I used to stare at the star every evening, hoping that Bella would turn up. I smiled ruefully; I was eight years old and naïve enough to believe in wishing stars.

I slumped into the chair and started my Google watch again. I would probably call again this evening.

Hours passed unevenly. Emmett and Alice stomped up and down the hall, shouting various carols and songs, even having enough cheer to make up their own crude lyrics to go with some of them.

Six o'clock came and went. I wanted to wait until eight but my hand started to twitch after half seven. I gave in minutes later and grabbed my cell.

"Yes?"

"Did the tree idea work?" I held my breath until Charlie answered.

"That worked, yes."

He was being very blunt. I wondered if she was with him…

"How is she?"

"Fine," he answered simply, she must be with him.

"Could you do something for me? Just… tell her 'Merry Christmas'."

He sighed. "I'll pass it on when the time's right."

"Okay, bye."

"Goodbye."

I shut my cell and tossed it lightly onto my desk. Alice ran down the hall, past my door. Walking over to my door, I opened it just as she reached the stairs. She was pulling on her jacket and had her keys in her mouth.

"Where are you going?" I asked.

She spun around to face me and took her keys out of her mouth to talk.

"Jasper's," she said too quickly. "His aunt just took Rose out to do some shopping and he wants me to help him wrap some presents."

I nodded but doubted her excuse. She pushed her arm through its sleeve and took off again. I waited until she had closed the garage door before following her. Wherever she was going, it wasn't Jasper's house. He was in Port Angeles with Emmett doing their 'last minute Christmas shopping' ritual.

I looked out the kitchen window before I walked into the garage. Alice's Porsche turned right out of our drive, towards the opposite edge of town. The only places that were in that direction were the school and Bella's house.

I froze and glanced back to my room, the small box that I had hidden in my closet calling to me. I came to the conclusion that this may be the only chance to do this. I ran back to my room, grabbed the box and a coat before running into my Volvo.

I didn't bother turning on the heater, I just gunned it out of the garage and down the drive. Within minutes, I was at the end of Bella's street. I spotted Alice in the distance, getting out of her car. She walked tentatively up to the front door and knocked. I sat in my car and watched.

A pool of light spilled across the porch as the door opened. I watched Alice talking to Charlie before walking inside.

How did she get in? I had begged for months to see Bella, and she just turned up and Charlie welcomed her in.

I opened my door and swung my legs out, deciding that I should just drop the present outside the front door and leave.

The ice crunched under my feet as I walked down the sidewalk. I glanced at the house and looked in the window. The sitting room curtains hadn't been drawn and I could see Alice and Charlie. Charlie sat down in his chair and turned his attention to the game on the TV. Alice reached towards something on the couch. She hugged the person.

My breath caught as I took in Bella. Her hair hung lanky and straight over her shoulders. She was slumped forward, as if she couldn't hold up her own weight. When she pulled away from Alice, I gasped. Her face was almost shrunken, her eyes were dead. She smiled at Alice.

I watched as she and Alice sat on the couch, chatting animatedly to each other. Bella looked at something in the corner and stared at it. I shifted to the other side of the window so I could see what she was looking at. Alice looked at the tree and pointed. Bella nodded to whatever Alice had said. She got up and reached towards the top of the tree, taking down the star.

Bella walked back to the couch and held the star carefully, staring at it intently. I was desperate to know what she was saying, what she was thinking.

The front door opened in front of me. Charlie peeked out at stared at me. I jumped when he coughed at me. He motioned for me to be silent. I edged away from the window and walked towards him.

"I just came to drop this off," I gestured towards the box in my hands.

Charlie shook his head and smiled sadly. He opened the door and stood back to let me in. I gaped at him. He ran a shaky hand through his balding head and laughed angrily.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you, Edward. You have to see it for yourself," he sighed. "I don't think you're going to like this at all but you might as well see it now rather than later."

I frowned. He led me into the sitting room. I stepped carefully into the room, keeping my eyes on the ground.

"Edward?" Alice asked, surprised.

I looked at her; she was frowning but she attempted to smile at me. Her eyes were scared though. I took a deep breath and looked past her, to Bella.

She was frowning too, staring at me. She wasn't screaming or crying, but she wasn't smiling or laughing either.

"Hello, Bella," I murmured.

She smiled at me. It wasn't a bright smile like the ones I was used to from before. "Hello, Edward, is it?"

My mouth fell open. Was she joking? Did she want to hurt me?

Alice started to speak.

"Yes, Bella, this is my brother Edward. Why don't we leave him and Charlie to talk while we go back to what we talking about before."

Bella nodded and smiled again at me, politely.

I sat in the chair beside Charlie; he looked at me with pity in his eyes.

Did she forget who I was? Was she trying to push me out of her life completely?

"Anyway, I pulled this out of the box and, I don't know, something about it just felt so… strange. As if I had it in a past life or something," Bella said.

I gulped.

She had forgotten about me.

Alice threw me a pointed glance and began to reply to Bella.

"Maybe someone should try and help you remember."

I clenched my fist. I had to be that person. I would make myself that person.

"What do you have there, Edward?" Alice asked.

I jumped and remembered the present in my hand.

"This, yeah, I got it for Bella," I said, trying to brush it off.

Bella smiled at me. "You got me a present even though I don't know you?"

I shrugged. "I figured that from what Alice keeps saying about you, we would get along great."

I passed the box to Bella and watched as she opened it.

"Oh! It's so pretty!"

She took out the bracelet and held it up to examine it. The heart shaped locket spun as she turned it.

"Thank you so much," she beamed at me. I smiled, happy to see she was smiling but sad that she still couldn't remember me.

"Anyway, Edward we should be getting back," Alice said, standing up. She pulled me towards the door, saying goodbye to Charlie and Bella.

Once we were outside, Alice turned to face me.

"I'm sorry you had to go through that Edward," she said.

I shrugged. "I guess this is better than if she hated me. I have a second shot here."

Alice nodded. "Was that the locket you got inscribed?" she asked, trying to change the subject slightly.

"Yeah, it's Grandma Liz's old one. Bella used to love it when she was younger. Esme promised me that one day she could have it so…" I trailed off.

We reached Alice's Porsche and I went to walk back to my Volvo.

"What did you get engraved in it?"

I continued walking. "Just something I remembered from when we were younger."

And I hoped that Bella would somehow remember it too.

A/N: Do you know how hard it is to sing 'Deck the halls…' and count the 'falalala's??

Lol the Cure is real and you do not want to know what's in it… it works though on my friend.

Before I get bombarded with questions, I'll explain Bella's 'existence' in the start of the chapter.

Because of the PTSD and everything, her brain automatically linked Edward with happiness and recovering from her mother's murder and her abuse.

In the last chapter, her brain shut down all pain receptors (emotional and physical) in an attempt to block the hurt that came from Edward's change (and forgetting the dance).

When he came back and kissed her, her mind was fighting to keep all of the pain from erupting out. She screamed to get him away from her because his presence was causing her mind to go into turmoil. She wanted to keep kissing him but he was digging up painful memories.

Now her brain has completely cut out Edward in an attempt to smother her pain. This causes her to appear lifeless and depressed.

As I said in earlier chapters, when she's depressed she thinks she appears normal, that everything she does is expected. She doesn't express emotions. Her thoughts are short and non-descriptive because she doesn't feel anything.

Anyone who doesn't know anything about depression might find this confusing but anyone who has suffered from it or knows someone who suffers from it will understand completely.

Reviews?