Disclaimer: I don't own anything Twilight.
29. I'm fine.
Bpov:
I woke with a start, my fists were clenching the bedcovers tightly. So tightly in fact that I could see, even through the pitch-blackness of my room, how white my knuckles were from gripping the covers so tightly. I was breathing so heavily that it felt like I just ran a marathon and sweat was dripping from my forehead into my eyes. My shirt clung to my sweat-drenched torso making the breeze coming through my open window feel even colder on my skin.
My hair clung to my damp forehead but I ignored that as I gazed across my room. I spotted the prom dress on the floor where it lay exactly were I took it of. I left it there discarded like a rag, when I dressed into my pj's and got into bed after the "prom". My eyes wondered on to the open window and I watched as the curtains swayed lightly in the breeze. Satisfied that the room was disserted I unclenched my fists slowly, ignoring the numb feeling I experienced now as blood finally regained access to flow over my knuckles and to my fingers. I closed my eyes and tried to remember what I dreamt about tonight.
I remembered that I was running through the forest, someone was in front of me but I couldn't see who. There was fire everywhere and the smoke was so thick the person seemed like a blurry silhouette. Someone was calling my name tauntingly, as if to coax me to stop and face them. There was also a softer voice, one filled with despair and loss. I knew this voice and wanted to find it. I knew my salvation was with that voice but the stranger in front of me was insisting I follow him. The other menacing voice grew louder and I kept on running when I stumbled suddenly. The person in front of me turned back and grabbed my hand pulling me up and towards a light in front of us.
It was a blinding white light, when we broke through the light a gunshot went of K-pow and my helper fell. The light went away and in its place, was the dimly lit light of sunset. Dusk bathed everything in orange. The smoke was gone as was both voices. I looked at my helper and saw a scar on the side of his face. James I finally recognized him.
"Why?" I asked falling beside him.
"Because I chose to". Suddenly there was a hand on my shoulder.
"Bella everything is alright now". I looked up and saw a bronzed haired angel. But, as I watched his face transformed, his bronze hair became longer and changed to red. His face transformed from male into a more feminine shaped face. The face of Victoria, she looked at James and glared at me.
"You'll pay for this bitch". She raised her hand and in the setting sunlight, a deadly blade sparkled before it made its way to my head.
That must have been when I woke-up. I ran a hand through my hair removing it from my forehead. I glanced at the digital clock on my bedside table. Five am, the red digits taunted me. I went to bed at one am this morning. I fell asleep a half-hour later so that's about three and a half-hour's sleep. Less than usual yet it was enough to keep the black-bags under ones eyes away. I drew back the bed covers and stood up quietly, since the incident my pj's was made up out of my favorite loosely fit t-shirt and long black pajama pants.
I also wore socks to dampen my footsteps and make my routinely trip to the kitchen. I walked over to my bedroom window and glanced out into the street. Accept for a stray cat sitting on top of a trashcan it was completely deserted. I turned and walked out of my room and quietly down the stairs. The reassuring sounds of Charlie's snoring meant that yet again I was able not to scream as I woke from my dream and wake the entire house.
I walked down the stairs remembering to skip the second last one because it squeaked and walked to the kitchen. I ignored all the dirty dishes on the tables and walked straight to the window opening it slightly so that a breeze could blow through it. Then I turned to the fridge and walked to it carefully still listening for Charlie's snoring. It still came rhythmic down the stairs. I smiled and opened the fridge slightly so that the fridge light didn't light up the whole kitchen. I spotted what I was looking for and waited patiently.
Charlie had a certain rhythm to his snoring. Two long ones and then a short louder one, the shorter one was what I was waiting for. The fridge door squeaks every time it is opened more than halfway and if your father was the chief of police and a very light sleeper that squeak was all he needed too wake-up. So I listened patiently and when he began with the shorter one, I opened the fridge door, grabbed the bottle and closed the door before Charlie even finished his snore.
I placed the bottle on an open spot on the cluttered tabletop and walked to the dining room to fetch my favorite barstool. I picked up the stool and very carefully carried it to the kitchen without knocking it into anything. I placed the stool so that I could see the kitchen entrance, back door and kitchen window at the same time. Then I walked to a cupboard and took out a clean glass, once back at the stool I poured the icy liquid into the glass and sat down on the stool.
I took a big swig from the glass and felt how the cold liquid made its way to my stomach. I licked over my lips and caught a single droplet from the corner of my mouth. I knew that by the time the glass was empty I would have forgotten all about the dream and maybe even be able to go back to sleep. Four too five hours sleep every night was all I could get before I woke from some nightmare.
They are never the same, sometimes I could remember what happened like tonight and other times I only remembered the endings. Some nights I wouldn't sleep at all and just stare at my ceiling until I come to the kitchen. I took another swig and listened to my surroundings. I heard Charlie's snoring from up stairs. I heard the leaves of the trees brush against each other in the breeze sounding like water that cobbled over pebbles.
I even heard my slow rhythmic heartbeat, it was funny I never knew how the heart beated before but after listening to it for two weeks I knew now that it also had a unique rhythm. Two even beats be boom….be boom and then two quicker ones be boom…be boom. As I listened to a heart that was in complete control, I heard another sound, a familiar sound. Tick tock, tick tock the sound of time.
"It seems you have more time". Tick tock, tick tock.
"Would you give your life for your friends even though they didn't find you in time?" Tick tock, tick tock.
"It seems that your time is up, no pun intended". Tick tock, tick tock.
"This time there would be no interruptions". Tick tock.
Random images began to flash through my head.
Laurent, placing his knife against my throat. Tick tock.
Victoria, hanging a clock on the wall. Tick tock.
James, leaning against the wall staring at nothing. Tick tock.
James standing in front of me in a smoke filled living room. Tick tock.
I got of the stool and walked to the counter.
James and I, running through the forest. Tick tock.
I climbed on the counter carefully placing my feet between the dirty dishes.
James, standing behind a tree staring out over a clearing. "Stay there no matter what". Tick tock.
I grabbed the clock on the kitchen wall and removed the battery. I climbed of the counter and lay on the cold tile floor. Be boom, be boom, be boom my heart beated frantically. My heart was not in control anymore. My back rose and fell, rose and fell against the tiles as I breathed heavily once again.
Someone must have replaced the battery. I clearly remembered that I removed the last one. I waited for my heartbeat and breathing to normalize before I got up. I downed the contents of the glass and left it on the counter. I placed the bottle back in the fridge and took the stool back to the dining room. I climbed the stairs and walked back to my room, trying to fight off the images that flashed through my head.
Because of what happened in the kitchen I forgot to listen for Charlie's snoring and didn't notice that it had stopped. Nor did I notice the figure standing in my parent's doorframe watching me with concern as I closed my bedroom door. I grabbed my pillow and walked over to my rocking chair. There was already a blanket waiting for me. I sat down placing the pillow comfortably behind my head and pulled the blanket over my body. I began to rock back and forth slowly. Who was it that said that stress was a like a rocking chair? It can take you back and forth but it gets you nowhere.
I wished that Edward were here right now, when I was with him I didn't have to try so hard. He wouldn't push me to talk about what happened like all the other people do. He helps me to focus on other things. During that bike lesson yesterday, I felt useful for a change, as if I had a purpose. There was nothing on those roads that scared me. I was in control the whole time.
I knew Edward and Jacob would protect me. Anything that could harm me, I would have seen a mile coming. There was nowhere a potential danger could hide, just open roads and the friendly company of Edward and Jacob. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep some more, I had an appointment with Jane tomorrow and I needed all the energy I could get for that.
I woke about an hour later and heard someone bustling about in the kitchen. I cleaned my room quickly and jumped in the shower. I dressed in jeans, a black long sleeved shirt and a navy blue hoodie. I tied my sneakers and walked down to the kitchen, Charlie was busy washing the dishes.
"Morning dad, you're up early". I said grabbing a granola bar from the cupboard.
"Morning Bells, yeah I thought I would get a head start on the cleaning. Did you sleep ok?"
I leaned on the counter and un-wrapped the granola bar. "I slept like always".
Charlie smiled and turned back to the sink. "So seems we had a visitor last night. Apparently he likes milk". My head shot up and I looked at my father but he didn't even turn around.
"Do you have any suspects?" I asked trying to make a joke out of it.
"No but I'm calling him the milk thief for now. Plus it seems he doesn't like clocks, or just stole the battery". I spotted the clock where I left it this morning, shoot I forgot to put it away.
"Maybe he is taking over the world one battery at a time". I said joking again.
"Maybe…. Bells you know you could talk to me if something is bothering you". He said turning to me.
"I'm fine dad, do you want some juice I'm going to pour me some." I said opening the fridge.
"No thanks, I already had some coffee". I nodded and poured some juice into a glass. I placed the bottle back in the fridge and picked the glass up from the table when my mother talked behind me suddenly.
"Morning, guys." I dropped the glass in a sudden fright, the glass broke and juice splashed over my mothers slippers.
Adrenalin was suddenly rushing through me and my heartbeat as well as my breathing accelerated. "Bella are you ok?" My mother asked as Charlie grabbed some paper towels to clean up the mess. I was about to answer when there was a knock on the door making me jump again. Calm down Bella, you're still in control.
"I'm fine mom. You just gave me a fright. I'll get the door, sorry about the glass." I said quickly and walked to the living room. I quickly glanced through the window and spotted Edward's Volvo. I opened the door and smiled at him.
"Morning Edward, you're here early. Not that I mind though". I said as hugged him.
"Morning Bells, Jane arrived earlier than expected. I just wanted to hear if you could see her now". I stepped back to let him in.
"Yes, she can Edward. Since I took care of most of the cleaning we won't need Bella's help". Charlie said from the door and I just managed not to jump again in alarm.
"Well then of we go Bella." Edward said taking my hand as he led the way to his car. I barely had time to wave goodbye to my parents. I slid into the passenger seat and waited for Edward to get in.
"How bad is it going to be?" I asked as he finally joined me in the car.
"Relax Bella. Jane is great at what she does. Believe me it will be like talking to your best friend." I looked at him and decided to let it drop. I agreed to do this and if it keeps my parents of my back then I will do it. We made some small talk as we drove to his house but as we neared it, I became quieter and quieter. If Edward noticed this, he didn't say anything about it. When we finally stopped in front of his house I noticed a golden Ashton Martin in the driveway.
"She sure has expensive taste." I said as we walked passed it.
"She likes to drive fast". Humph sounds like someone else I know. Edward opened the front door for me and I walked by halve expecting to see her waiting for me in the living room but Carlisle was the only one there. He placed the TV remote on the couch next to him and stood up.
"Morning Bella, Esme is showing Jane something in the garden outback. You can wait for her in the study so long. She would be with you shortly." Carlisle said as he gave me a hug.
"Go on Bella, everything would be ok." Edward said giving my forehead a quick kiss and pushed me in the direction of the study.
I sighed and since I obviously had no choice in the matter walked to Carlisle's study. I closed the door behind me and instantly walked to his window. I glanced out and opened it slightly letting in a breeze. I turned a chair so that I could watch the door and the window at the same time. When I sat down and silence fell over the room I began to hear the faint ticking noise from a small clock on Carlisle desk.
I began to hum in my head to drown out the noise and reached over to pick up the small clock. I removed the battery and placed it next to the clock neatly back in its place on the desk. I sat back and waited patiently for the head doctor to came and examine my head. I didn't have to wait long until there was small knock on the door.
The door opened slowly and I began to hum again.
The door opened slowly and Laurent entered the room I was kept in. I shook my head lightly shaking the image from my mind.
A small slender woman entered the study. See Bella, it's not Laurent it's the head doctor. Know calm down you're still in control.
"Good morning Bella, thank you for seeing me. May I sit next to you? I do not like to sit behind the desk. It feels like I'm a headmaster scolding a misbehaving student." She said and I just nodded as I glanced her over. She was a short person, about in her late twenty's I guessed. She had long light brown hair but it seemed almost dark against her pale complexion. She had light brown eyes and at the moment, they were studying the study. She smiled as if something amused her when she sat down a small distance from me in the other chair in front of the desk.
"So have I passed or are you still deciding?" She asked suddenly looking at me for the first time. I blushed lightly having been caught out at, staring at her.
"Decided on what exactly?" I asked looking away at those kind yet alert brown eyes.
"Whether your going to like me or not?" She said folding her hands on her lap.
I shrugged. "Well I can help you work through your trauma Bella and liking me would only make the process of closure that much easier."
My head snapped up. "I am fine and I already had closure. There is no need for this really. I can cope on my own. I am fine, fit as a fiddle as they say."
She smiled and glanced out through the window. "Fine isn't even an emotion, we say we feel fine when we're not feeling a specific emotion. Therefore by saying we feel fine we're actually saying we feel nothing."
I looked at her and said. "I'm fine."
She smiled. "Well then you won't mind in taking a ride with me. There is somewhere I would like to take you". She asked now glancing at her fingernails.
"A ride to where exactly?" I asked and she smiled again standing up.
"Not to an asylum I promise you, just a morning drive. This place is so beautiful". I reluctantly followed her out of the study and to the living room.
"We're going for a drive, we'll be back shortly." She announced and indicated for me to walk first to the front door. I looked at Edward and he smiled encouragingly so I suppressed my objections and walked to the front door and straight outside. I stopped and waited for her to take the lead now, she took out her car keys and unlocked the Aston Martin.
She said nothing and got into the car. Crazy expensive car owners think they can swindle you with a beautiful exotic car. Well I'm not swindled nuh- uh. I thought to myself as I slid into the passenger seat.
I sunk into the soft grey leather and the car smelled like leather polish. "You know I've heard that I'm fine speech from almost every client that's sent to see me". She said starting the car.
"So what do the people say that don't give you the I'm fine speech?" I asked as she sped around the corner making me fasten my seat belt.
"They don't make a speech. They're the crazy ones."
She slowed down to a more normal speed. "So what are you saying exactly?" I asked looking at our surroundings, trying to figure out where she was going.
"I'm saying that you're normal and that I want you to try and tell me what happened in that cabin." I turned to look at her but she just concentrated on the road in front of her.
"I told you I'm fine, I told the officer about what happened in my statement and then I swore I was done with it." She nodded and turned onto a gravel road that I didn't recognize. "Where are we going?" I asked looking with new interest at our surroundings. She slowed down and stopped the car suddenly.
"You'll see in a minute but firstly if you don't want to talk then I will and all you would have to do is listen. Can you do that?" She asked and turned on the radio, classical music started to fill the car softly.
"It's not like I have a choice." She smiled and unlocked the door.
"You have a choice Bella, you can get out of the car and walk back to the Cullen's house and I'll drive away. You won't ever have to see me again. Or you can listen to what I have to say and then decide if you like me or not".
I glanced at her and saw the serious expression on her face. We stared at each other. Her eyes were all knowing as if she glared into my soul and saw everything that had ever touched it. I looked away afraid she might see something that would convince her that I needed to be locked up in a padded room after all.
"Ok I'll listen but I'm not promising that I'll like you when you're done." She smiled and made herself comfortable in her seat.
"You suffer from what we call emotional and physical trauma because of a big traumatic event. These symptoms you're experiencing may last for days, weeks, or even months." She held up her hand when I wanted to object. "You didn't want to talk remember so just listen." I glared at her and she just stared back not giving in at all, I turned to look out the window.
"You experience symptoms such as anxiety and fear, you jump whenever something happens you didn't see or hear coming. Whenever you enter a room, you make sure can see all entrances to that room as well as the window. You want to see when something or someone enters the room that can potentially hurt you.
"You wan to be in control all the time so that if something happens you can escape via the easiest escape routes, therefore you study your surroundings planning your escape route whenever you enter a new environment. You open windows so that you won't feel trapped in and the inflowing breeze gives you the feeling of freedom.
"Withdrawing from others is another symptom. When you're at school you only answer when you're talked to and never struck up a conversation on your own with someone other than your bestest friends. Insomnia or nightmares are common after these traumas, you don't have bags under your eyes but I bet that you make sure you sleep enough to keep them away.
"It's only normal to want to make the people that care about you think that you are fine. Muscle tension is a side effect from being on edge all the time. Relax your hand Bella the seatbelt isn't going anywhere." I glanced down to where I was gripping the seatbelt tightly and instinctively relaxed my hand. I wasn't even aware that I was gripping it so tightly.
"These symptoms and feelings typically last from a few days to a few months, gradually fading as you process the trauma. But if you don't get closure they can become worse until you get paranoid and start having breakdowns.
"But you're coping well and playing the part of calm and poise to a T. You should remember that even when you're feeling better, you might be troubled from time to time by painful memories or emotions. Like when I entered the study and you had a flashback of some sort. You react to things differently now especially in response to triggers such as sound, or situation that reminds you of the traumatic experience.
"That is way you removed the battery from the clock on Carlisle desk isn't it?" She asked softly, I nodded but didn't look at her. Instead, I focused on the droplets of water that fell on the windscreen as it started raining. "Grieving is normal following a traumatic event. Whether or not a traumatic event involves death, survivors must cope with the loss. At least temporarily, for their sense of safety and security. The last time you cried was when James died right?" I nodded again wondering how she knew all this.
"This grieving process, while inherently painful, is easier if you turn to others for support and talk about how you feel. Recovering from a traumatic event takes time, and everyone heals at his or her own pace. No one in your support group is pushing you to talk to them and you don't want to talk about it because you believe that you're fine. You managed to easily avoid more and more things that remind you of the trauma without anyone being the wiser.
"Sometimes these responses can be delayed, for months or even years after the event but they do eventually surface and can cause relationships you have with other people to suffer. How severe these symptoms are depends on the person, the type of trauma involved, and the emotional support they receive from others. Which thank fully, you seem to have enough of.
"Re-experiencing symptoms are a sign that the body and mind are actively struggling to cope with the traumatic experience. You should listen to your body its always telling you something in the only way it knows how.
"In time, emotional exhaustion may set in, leading to distraction, and clear thinking may be difficult or impossible. Witch brings us to me. I want to help you before this happens so that you can move on and be a better person. I say better because no matter what you or I do you won't ever be the same person you where when it happened.
"Lastly Bella we come to the last symptom but I'll tell you about that in a moment." She started the car and drove around the turn in the road and I finally saw where we were. The cemetery, she drove on almost to the very end and stopped. She got out and indicated for me to follow her.
When I reached her side, she spoke again. "You are not fine Bella, you might have fooled everyone by the way your acting that you are indeed fine but I see right through you. I always tell the truth and I don't hide behind some form of soft words when I talk to people. I say things hard and straight, I don't like to play around because I hate wasting time. You are wasting time by thinking that you are fine."
We stopped in front of a gravestone and she turned to look at me. "Why are we here Jane?" I asked looking at all the somber gravestones.
"Closure, this is someone you knew." She stepped away from the gravestone and I looked down to read the inscription.
Here lies James Rosewood.
Born 17/01/1991 died 29/11/2009.
"There is no greater love than a friend giving his life for a friend." - Jesus.
Tears escaped from the corner of my eyes as I began to cry. "I should have stayed, I'm sorry James." I repeated over and over again in a whisper.
"The last symptom you have Bella is self blame. You think that the reason James died was because of you."
She placed her hand on my shoulder where I knelt before his gravestone shaking with sobs.
"I'll wait for you in the car."
A/n wow this must be the longest chapter I have ever written. I hope I have done Jane's character some justice. I did do research on the condition Bella is suffering from so as Edward would say you can Google it.
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Thanks for reading.