Hello you lot! Managed to write quite a bit, instead of packing, ha ha, so I've got another chapter for you and I've got another one finished that I'll post as soon as I get back on Wednesday.
Well, I see some (err, all) of you don't like my twist! I do hope someone's enjoying it though cos I'm really enjoying writing it, and there's so much stuff coming up that should be interesting. Love, friendship, lies, deceit, fame, things like that. Anyway, I'm off and away, don't forget to review, please say something unique………..! Bye! X
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Troy sat on the bench, watching his team mates play his favourite game. He, today, was assigned a kind of coaching role. He was to observe the game and make any comments he had.
He couldn't really concentrate. He had resorted to doing what he had been doing an awful lot lately - watching Gary. He sighed heavily as Gary stole the ball, gripping it tightly, flexing his muscles. Troy shook his head. This really wasn't good. But at the same time, giving into the temptation to look felt really good.
"Any observations?" Coach asked Troy as he sat down next to him.
Troy commented to himself in his head that maybe Gary could play with his shirt off. He smirked to himself, but shook his head.
"Nah, everyone seems on form today."
"Yeah." Coach satisfactorily nodded in agreement.
"Hm. Josh's footwork there. He seemed to stumble a bit."
"Good observation."
Coach got up and approached the sidelines for a closer look.
"Troy." Coach beckoned him to the sidelines, and Troy joined him.
"What do you think of Gary? You two came from the Bourke Program together, right?"
"Yeah, we played together. I think he's an amazing player. I knew he'd fit in here."
"He's doing well so far. Although, so are you."
"Why thank you, Coach."
"Keep an eye on Gary, see if you have any suggestions for him."
Troy obeyed, and kept his eyes firmly on Gary. As if there was any other option.
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After the game, Troy was sat in the locker room, about to read a text message he'd just received. As he flipped open his phone, Gary walked in, wet from the shower, towel wrapped round waist.
"Hey, man." Troy said, smiling only into Gary's eyes. He dared not look right now.
"Hey! How was coach coaching?" Gary laughed.
"It was actually quite awesome."
As Gary turned around to face his locker, Troy let his eyes wander over his chiselled, wet back. He frowned to himself, disapproving of the thoughts uncontrollably running through his mind. Thoughts that he kept trying to tell himself he wasn't having. He shook his head, and looked down at his phone.
"Hey man. Meeting Ryan in an hr. Come if you're not busy. The diner."
Troy unconsciously mumbled to himself.
"Hmm, I don't know." He mumbled and hit reply, his thumb hovering over the buttons, unsure what to reply with.
"What was that?" Gary asked, turning round.
"What? Oh! Sorry. Thinking out loud."
-----------------------------------
An hour later, Troy arrived at the diner. Ryan was an old friend, of course he wanted to see him. Just because he was gay, didn't mean anything. He felt worried though - weren't gay men supposed to have some sort of radar? What if Ryan knew he was having 'thoughts' about men? Well, that was just silly. How could he possibly? Troy wondered several more irrational scenarios before finally entering the diner.
"Hey you guys."
"Troy!" Chad and Ryan almost simultaneously cheered.
Half an hour later, the three were laughing and joking like they hadn't been apart.
"Yeah, Julliard is certainly doing something to Shar. It was very hard for her at first - remember how she reacted when Gabriella came on the scene, singing, dancing, threatening. Shar was not used to having someone else talented to compete with. Now think of that but with hundreds more girls."
"Ouch." Chad laughed.
"She is adjusting though. She's had to get used to not being the centre of attention, and not being the only talented one."
Troy studied Ryan. He actually felt a pang of jealousy - Ryan had himself all figured out, he'd never have to go through what Troy was going through. Because he knew he liked boys, that's it. Troy still didn't know what was going on in his own mind and heart, which really scared him.
Chad, still laughing, focussed his eyes on the screen of his vibrating cell phone. He stopped laughing, pouting slightly, and turned away to answer the phone.
"Hey Mom." Troy heard Chad quietly say into the phone. He grinned to himself.
After a few more minutes of mumbling down the phone, Chad hung up and turned back to his friends.
"I gotta go. I forgot I promised to take my sister to see Santa." Chad rolled his eyes. "Ryan, man, it's been good. All the best. And keep in touch, man."
Chad patted Ryan on the shoulder, and expressed a similar gesture to Troy. He exited the diner quickly.
"So how are things? Chad told me you're in D-League!"
"Yeah, it's amazing. I can't believe it, it's like a dream."
"And what's this about Gabriella releasing a single?"
Troy nodded, and smiled.
"But man, how are things with you? Seems like you know everything about me."
Ryan grinned.
"Things are good." Ryan smiled.
"You enjoying Julliard?"
"Yeah!" Ryan's happy smile morphed itself into a smirk. "Plenty of gays to choose from."
Troy snorted, and coughed. He finally managed the laugh he'd choked on.
"Yeah I can imagine."
"Maybe you made the right choice, not going. They'd have ripped you to shreds."
Troy smiled, slightly uneasy.
"Ryan…"
Ryan looked up. He frowned when his eyes met Troy's confused, pained expression.
"Can I ask you something?" Troy slowly asked, slightly hesitant.
"Sure." Ryan nodded.
"I mean, this has to stay between us." Troy quickly stated.
"Of course, what's up?"
"Um…" Troy now realised he wasn't sure what to ask. "Will you tell me the story of when you realised you were gay?"
Ryan raised his eyebrows, pursed his lips, and nodded.
"Sure. Well, I mean, I always knew. In a way. There was no revelation. I guess I must have been…. About twelve when I first had a crush on a guy. As I said, I think I just always knew so I didn't surprise myself. I never took an interest in girls in that way. I just kind of accepted it, because I was so young, I hadn't really discovered much about myself."
Troy nodded.
"Is that the way it is for all gay guys?"
"No." Ryan shook his head. "No, some go through years and years of torment, married with kids, the whole lot. It's different for everyone."
Troy sighed. This wasn't really helping. He clenched his eyes shut. As much as he didn't want to reveal the reasons behind him asking, he had to ask something that would provoke something more helpful.
"How do they… know? I mean, some guys get crushes on other guys, but it doesn't mean they're gay, right?"
Ryan raised his eyebrows, and shook his head in neither a disagreement nor an agreement. Troy frowned.
"I… guess. I wouldn't…well, let's reverse it… I suppose you could kind of say I've had a crush on a girl. A pretty girl, funny, smart, talented. She had an amazing body, too. But I didn't wanna kiss her, or do anything sexual with her. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to touch her. But, I dunno. Not like the way I wanna touch a man. It's hard to explain." Ryan shook his head.
Troy frowned deeply and stared at the table. That helped a little bit. But there it was again, the one vital difference. As much as Troy tried to fight it, he felt a little like he wanted to kiss Gary.
Ryan noticed Troy's troubled expression.
"Troy?" he said softly.
"Huh?"
"If there's something…" Ryan searched his mind for the words. "You know you can talk to me."
Troy glanced in Ryan's direction. He wasn't too sure he was ready to talk about it.
"You can trust me." Ryan smiled. "Think about it. I know hardly any of your friends, and I hardly ever see you so it won't be awkward." Ryan smirked to himself. "But you know me well enough to trust me. I hope."
"I know." Troy reassuringly smiled at Ryan. "I just…" He couldn't even bring himself to say that he couldn't bring himself to talk about it. "It's hard."
"Close your eyes." Ryan told him.
"What?!"
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Yeah but… I can't bring myself to…." Troy sighed.
"Close your eyes. Trust me?"
Troy eyed his friend suspiciously, but closed his eyes anyway. Ryan moved in closer to Troy.
"Just relax, Troy." Ryan said softly. "Are you comfortable?"
Now, Troy was certain that in this situation there was no way he could be comfortable. He tried anyway. He folded his arms over his chest. He nodded.
"Okay. Just nod or shake your head, okay." Ryan still spoke softly. "Have you been having some problems?"
Troy nodded.
"Okay. Are you feeling like you don't know yourself?"
Troy shrugged, frowning. Ryan sighed.
"Are you maybe having some feelings that you don't understand?"
Troy screwed his face up as much as he possibly could. He let out a huge sigh, and gave a very small nod. He brought his hands up to his face.
"Was that so hard?" Ryan smiled.
"Argh, yes." Troy grunted, still covering his face. "Feels like it will go away if I never dignify it with talking about it out loud."
"But you know it won't." Ryan softly smiled. Troy took his hands off his face, but still not looking at Ryan.
"I guess."
"Do you wanna tell me the story now?"
Troy hesitated. Well, he'd got this far. And if anyone was gonna help him figure this out, Ryan was probably his best bet. He certainly was never going to figure it out alone. He took a deep breath, and opened his mouth.
"Okay." Troy screwed his face up again.
He told Ryan about feeling distant and troubled for no apparent reason. About his problems with Gabriella in the bedroom. He told him about Gary and how he feels strange things that he remembers from when he first met Gabriella.
Ryan listened intently. Troy was surprised at how at ease he felt around Ryan. He was right, he knew he could trust him.
"And so one day, I looked on the internet." He was met by Ryan with raised eyebrows. "And I found the phrase 'man crush'. And I figured it must be that." Troy nodded, partly to himself, and looked at Ryan as if that concluded his speech.
"Troy…" Ryan smiled softly. "If that was the end of the story, would you be talking to me?"
Troy looked down at his fingers which were entwining themselves around each other.
"Well…" Troy held his hands out either side of him. "I guess I wanna know… in your opinion…."
Troy looked out the window at something imaginary.
"Where is the line. What is the defining boundary between having a man crush, or something, and…" Troy cleared his throat. "And being gay."
Ryan unintentionally let out a little laugh. He smiled reassuringly when Troy shot him a paranoid look.
"Troy, I doubt you're gay." Ryan propped his chin on his hand. "It's natural for people to wonder, and even to experiment. It doesn't necessarily make them gay."
Troy stared into space. He wasn't sure what to think and his mind was just as muddled as before, if not even more.
"Okay, close your eyes." Ryan sighed when he noticed Troy's expression.
Troy sighed and shook his head. He closed his eyes.
"Picture Gary in your head." Ryan noticed Troy unconsciously fidget slightly. "Now… picture Gabriella."
Troy sighed. He didn't understand what was going on. He felt like he didn't understand anything anymore. He was even starting to think Ryan was going mad.
"Open your eyes."
Ryan looked into Troy's eyes. He looked tired. Not physically, but it was almost like his soul was tired.
"For the record," Ryan grinned. "I'm not a therapist."
Troy rolled his eyes.
"Listen." Ryan's expression formed a more serious tone. "I doubt you're gay, Troy. But try and forget all labels. Forget gay, straight, man, woman. So, you have a crush on someone else, it happens in all relationships. Try not to let it cause you problems, man. I'm sure you'll get over it. But any developments, let me know. As your therapist, I have to know." Ryan grinned.
"Ryan, I kind of understand where you're coming from. But I find it difficult to just accept that I'm feeling attracted to another man."
Ryan frowned.
"Okay, when you say 'attracted' to, what exactly do you mean?"
"Well, I…" Troy frowned, and folded his arms. He closed his eyes of his own accord.
"When I'm around him, I can't help but watch him. His strong arms make me feel… like… I want to be cuddled. He's taller than me and when I see him, it feels like I want him to wrap himself around me. Do you know what I mean?"
"Yeah."
"When he laughs, and smiles, I want to stroke his face, and kiss his lips."
"Troy, do you feel turned on? Like, aroused?"
Troy frowned worriedly.
"I… I don't know. I… guess so."
Troy opened his eyes, and looked directly into Ryan's.
"Ryan."
"Troy, it's okay. I know it's difficult. It's just a part of growing up, I promise. Self-discovery."
"But what if… what if I am, what am I supposed to do? What about Gabriella?"
"Troy, please, try not to stress. Look, being gay doesn't make me an expert on all things gay. I can't tell you whether or not you are gay. That's something you're gonna have to discover for yourself. But I can tell you being gay is not the end of the world."
-------------------------------------------
That night, Troy was even more confused and muddled than ever. He was sat at home with Gabriella, and was completely distracted. He felt like bursting into tears every minute of the day.
Troy tried to focus on the movie him and Gabriella were watching. Gabriella snuggled up next to him, linking her arm in his, and laying her head on his shoulder. She placed a hand on his thigh.
"Baby, are you okay? You seem a little distracted."
"Sorry. I was just thinking about work. Coaching was so awesome, keep thinking of things I could suggest."
Gabriella smiled, satisfied with his answer. Troy sighed to himself at the amount of lying he'd done to her recently.
The hand that was currently on Troy's thigh, started to move. Gabriella was slightly massaging Troy, and he really didn't know how he felt about that. She tipped her head up and started to peck light kisses on his neck, and moving to his jaw line.
This was probably the last thing Troy needed right now. But he could hardly refuse her. He loved her and didn't want to hurt her, besides, he'd let her down enough recently.
Surprisingly enough, he wasn't really feeling very turned on by Gabriella's attempts. Her hand had moved up, and she was now massaging near enough that her thumb was grazing his manhood.
He thought back to his problem. Why couldn't he just get turned on by Gabriella, why did men have to come into it?
He thought of Gary, and silently cursed him. Despite this, he DID feel a little turned on at the thought of Gary.
Troy gritted his teeth. He decided to try the unthinkable. He closed his eyes. He paid attention to the small, delicate fingers squeezing his thigh. He imagined those fingers were bigger and thicker. To Troy's slight dismay, his tactic was working.
Gabriella sat up, and straddled Troy. Troy imagined big, muscular thighs straddling him. Gabriella thrust her lips against Troys, Troy grabbing her face and imagining stubble underneath his fingertips. He ran his fingers down her back, and grabbed the bottom hem of her sweatshirt. He pulled it up over her head, tossing it aside, and placing his hands back on her back. Troy was glad Gabriella had on no bra to play with.
Troy couldn't believe this was working. He felt really quiet bad. And dirty. He made a mental note to call Ryan to see what he thinks. All that Troy knew, was that he was finding it increasingly difficult to find himself aroused by his female partner.