The story continues....

Silent Night

It is not always easy to see the light...

"... peace on earth, good will toward men."

Children had stood around the ice rink at Rockefeller Center, voices raised in song, sharing the joy of the season with whomever passed by. At that moment, 'whomever' happened to be a very cynical Robert Goren.

Peace on earth? Somebody forgot to tell that to the man who used his wife as a punching bag earlier that evening.

Good will toward men? He guessed that the drug addict who blew away a teenage store clerk, in order to feed his hunger for powdered death, had missed that verse.

As a boy he'd looked at Christmas through the eyes of a child, eyes round with wonder, hope and joy - like those children singing on the corner. Then as the boy became a man, the man learned the lesson that hope was fleeting, joy soon gone, and peace a dream he could no longer believe in. He'd seen too much.

You gonna stay out here all night, Goren? he thought. Blake's waiting. She's happy and looking forward to the holiday. Bobby closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to calm a mind in turmoil. Shape up! This 'bah, humbug' attitude you're exuding will only bring her down too.

His hand searched absently for the key, switching the ignition off. Bobby got out of the car slowly, the heaviness of his heart weighting his feet. Taking another deep breath, he squared his shoulders, pasted a smile on his face and walked into the building. He paused before the door, frowning slightly. It was quiet inside. Too quiet. Blake hated the quiet, always turning on the TV or some music as soon as she entered the apartment.

Glancing down one end of the hallway to the other, he neither saw anything amiss nor sensed no threat. Maybe she was wearing her headphones, although usually she did that to keep from disturbing him. She abhorred silence as much as he craved it, and he'd bought the headphones as a gift to the both of them several months ago. After she had unwrapped the box, she'd given him a little peck on the cheek and ruffled his hair as she whispered, message received.

Bobby pushed the door open and felt the hair rise on the back of his neck. Something wasn't right. Darkness filled every corner of the loft, not even one Blake candle illuminating the blackness. What's going on? he thought. A slight breeze caressed his cheek, and he turned toward the half-open balcony doors. Through the frosted glass he saw Blake leaning against the railing, her upturned face lit by the faint glow of star light.

"Blake?"

"Look, Bobby." Blake didn't turn, but gestured for him to join her outside.

Bobby walked out onto the balcony, his eyes following Blake's upward gaze. One star shone more brightly than all the others did, its golden light falling softly on her features, showing the wide-eyed expression of wonder and joy.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she whispered in awe.

"Yeah, I guess...the news said that the atmosphere is charged with some kind of gas that...."

"No, don't...." She turned and placed a finger against his lips to silence him.

Bobby paused, responding to the soft pleading tone in her voice. He shrugged a shoulder, confused by her seeming lack of interest in Goren's astronomy 101 lecture.

"Don't what?" he asked.

"Bobby, I know there's a reason, but tonight I don't want a scientific explanation. All I need to know is that what I'm witnessing here is beautiful, a miracle. I mean, what are the odds of it happening this night of all nights?" Blake turned to face him. "Can you imagine what it must have been like that first Christmas, so long ago?" Her gaze returned to the star. "For a moment the world stilled, and the light of that night sky turned its focus on a humble stable. Shepherds mingled with kings and angels, and all was right in the world for that moment."

Snowflakes began to fall, each crystal capturing the essence of star shine, a million prisms of light dancing on the wind. A beautiful sight to one with normal vision, more so to one blessed with hope, with faith. Bobby followed the path of several individual flakes that came to rest on Blake's dark curls, dusting them with whiteness.

A stillness settled around them. Bobby looked out over the city. He had once told Blake that a cop had to separate himself from his feelings in order to maintain objectivity and sanity. The cop could do that. The man was finding it a struggle, lately.

Blake stood silent beside him, but Bobby remembered the words she had said to him in another time of pain and doubt.

Bobby. This is who you are. Your compassion, the instinct to protect... it's your greatest strength, but it can also be your greatest weakness if you allow guilt to destroy you.

He could still see the fire in her eyes as Blake forced him to listen, to accept that he was no more and no less only a man - flaws, scars and doubts not withstanding - a good man.

You're a man who just happens to have a little edge over the rest of us, but you're still a man, Bobby, not a god. All you can do is try, and hope. You do what you can to help. You do your best, and that's all you can do. That's all any of us can do. No one, can be expected to do more. To insist on perfection for yourself... it... well, it borders on conceit and that's not you, Bobby.

She always knows just what to say and the words make a difference, he thought, watching her now with the same wondrous awe that she cast skyward and watched the night sky.

So often he found himself caught up in the dark events of the day that the blinders of cynicism and anger prevented him from seeing and experiencing the simple pleasures of life. As he watched Blake's joy and awe of the night sky, he came to a realization. Blake was guiding him, not pushing or demanding, but leading him to what was really important in life - quiet moments, simple beauty, spending time with a friend. A rare gift indeed and a cherished one.

He closed his eyes for a moment, feeling the heaviness fade from his soul.

Blake is right. The star is beautiful. He could still feel wonder at its beauty, even with the explanation in the back of his mind. The clean, white snow fell on his face, melted, and washed the darkness of the day's events away. He could not change what had happened today, or what would happen tomorrow, but he could accept this gift, this moment of peace, this time with her. The anger, pain and cynicism faded, and he opened his eyes to see Blake studying him, a concerned perplexed frown touching her brow.

"Goren, you okay?"

"Yeah, Jamison," he said, his lips curving in a genuine smile. "I'm good."

Blake chuckled at Bobby's imitation. "I'm glad to hear it." She rested her hand on his arm, giving it a reassuring squeeze before turning back to look at the star once more. Blake crossed her arms, hugging them close to her body to ward off the chill of the December night. When she spoke, her voice was soft, thoughtful.

"My eyes have been opened in ways I never dreamed of only a few months ago. I've seen so much violence, so much pain, and fear and things I can't understand. You've seen even more."

Familiar fear clamped down on his heart in the same terror that always struck whenever Blake mentioned the down side of the intersection of their professional life and personal life. Would it become too much for her, living with the aftermath and dealing with the consequences of the worst that humanity threw at them? What would he do then? He shook his head, casting those thoughts to the wind, giving Blake his full attention when she spoke once more.

"Seeing these things has changed me, but I won't let it destroy me or my belief in the ultimate good of humanity. It would be easy to dwell on the ugliness. There's no doubt it's there and strong, but I believe in balance, Bobby. Yin and yang, good and evil, dark and light." Blake's hands moved in a dance of their own, rising and falling with the sound of her voice - words and motion driving the point home. "When I see the beauty of this star, or a sky canvas painted with the colors of a sunset, or the smile of a child; when I see you doing your best to protect someone who needs your help, I know there is so much that is right in the world, and I let that touch my heart and fill my soul."

Bobby stared in surprise. Blake talked a lot, but rarely allowing a glimpse this deeply inside her mind and heart. Another rare gift.

"When the world seems darkest that's when I'll remember the star, the sunset, the bravery of my friends and dedication to others." Blake looked up at Bobby, almost shyly. "If the world won't give me peace than I'll make my own peace. You can too." She shivered slightly and Bobby moved closer to drop his arm around her shoulder, offering her warmth and the comfort.

I can make my own peace. He looked down at Blake, her profile bathed in starlight. When it all becomes too much for me, I have her to guide me, to lead me out of the dark, the sound of her voice, the warmth of her smile lighting the way. Someone who can show me once again, how to feel wonder, and joy. A friend who is teaching me daily how to live. More than a friend, but always that, a friend.

Bobby tapped Blake on the shoulder, capturing her eyes when she looked up. "Where does all this wisdom come from? And how did you happen to fall into my life to teach it to me?"

"Fate, simple as that, complicated as that," she laughed. As she studied the star once more, her smile faded, replaced by a thoughtful expression. "Or maybe something more."

Bobby followed Blake's train of thought and finished the thought, "I started this evening feeling anything but peaceful. You showed me a star and made me notice. Such a small thing really. But now everything feels right to me and there's nowhere else I'd rather be."

Blake smiled. "Me either. Merry Christmas, Bobby."

"Silent, night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright...."

Bobby looked down to see the caroling children standing beneath the balcony, singing the story of that first Christmas, a night much like this one. Maybe there would never be peace on earth, but here in this place, for this moment, with Blake, all was right with his world, and he finally knew peace.

"Merry Christmas, Blake."

More to come....