Sunrise, for the First Time

Disclaimer: Blah blah, I don't own stuff by Stephenie Meyer, including Twilight characters or titles or copyrights or dowries, which is remarkably unfortunate, considering making money off of wasted time would be a very lucrative profession for me.

Chapter 4: Stupid Undead Nonboyfriend

I awoke feeling as if I hadn't slept at all. My dreams from last night -- my delusions, rather -- had robbed me of my already inadequate slumber. I kept my eyes closed and breathed in, not ready to begin another day of pretending.

Edward's hand pressed against my face. Great. More hallucinations. Maybe I had actually lost it this time.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Would you like some breakfast?"

I shook my head, finally looking at him. What a wonderful hallucination. I smiled with effort, and opened my mouth to speak.

Edward put his finger to my lips and then lifted me from the bed, positioning himself behind me and putting his mouth to my ear. "I don't want you to say anything just yet. I want you to listen. Will you do that?"

I nodded and turned my head slightly, breathing in his sweet scent.

"Bella," he began, carefully choosing his words, "I am… The most selfish monster that ever dared enter existence."

I started to protest, but he quieted me with a swift movement of his hand.

"But if it's best for me to not be here, I won't stay. I've traveled to the ends of the earth these past months, trying to get as far away from you as possible. I spent hours at a time sitting utterly still, trying to erase the temptation to return, to retract my goodbye, afraid that you were hurting over my decision. I had no way of knowing, and I hoped that you could forget me and move on."

He moved again, sitting beside me now and lifting my chin up, forcing me to meet his eyes. I dreaded the idea that even my delusion might leave me. "But now, after believing you dead, after calling here and hearing the pain in your voice…" he hesitated, "After Alice screamed at me for an entire three days that I had hurt you worse than any danger my presence could ever present to you," he closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, dropping his hand from my chin, "Well, the possibility that…. The idea that you were still hurting after all this time, that's what brought me back." He opened his bottomless eyes and turned his tortured gaze on me. "But if it's better that I leave, I shall," he stated resolutely, seeming to finish his explanation.

Some explanation. I had hoped that my imagination could give me the impossible Edward, the one that loved me and wanted me, the one that would wrap his arms around me and press his lips on mine and tell me I completed him. Not this Edward, who came just to make me feel guilty for making him feel guilty, who wished only to explain how much of a burden my existence was to him, so much so that he had to travel to the ends of the earth to escape me.

I sighed. I felt like crying again, but I had no tears left. I had nothing left. "Even when you're rejecting me and being depressing, it's a million times better than not having you with me." I was impressed that I managed to sound somewhat humorous. Well, my imagination owed me after failing to deliver the right Edward.

"I'm not… I never rejected you, Bella." I scoffed, and he whirled around to face me. "Bella, I left because my presence put you in constant danger. I left so you could have a chance at a real life."

"Brilliant plan. Leaving me without my soul to finish living my life. It's going great."

"I would know."

I furrowed my brow and glared at him, not understanding what his stupid vampire soul had to do with this. "You obviously don't know anything. You think that you can rip me apart and then waltz back in here and have me make you feel better about killing me? It doesn't work that way. Why can't you just be a good imaginary vampire and kiss me?"

A smile started playing with the corners of his mouth, enraging me further. "You're beautiful when you're angry, you know. But what's this business about me being imaginary? I don't think I get the joke."

"Whatever. Look, all I'm saying is, as long as you're here, you might as well skip the sanity-saving explanations. Let's just sum it up by saying that I love you, and you don't love me, but you want to feel less guilty about me trying to kill myself. Fine. I'll alleviate your guilt: I was never trying to kill myself. I just liked to do the dangerous stuff because then I got to hear your voice in my head. Now, apparently, I get to see you too, even unprompted by adrenaline. Feel better? Will you kiss me now?"

He gaped at me, astonished, but he seemed to be laughing, as well. "What is going on in that head of yours, Bella Swan?"

I snorted. "You tell me."

"I can't, remember? What an incredibly infuriating thing for you to suggest."

"Look who's talking."

I glared, and he sputtered, opening and closing his mouth with indecision. I would have laughed if I hadn't been so angry.

My Edward stood from the bed and walked by the window, shoving his hands in his pockets, his back to me. "Do you want me to go, Bella? Just answer yes or no."

I stared at him. "What do you want from me, Edward?" He turned his frustrated face to me, and, realizing I had failed to follow directions: "No."

He breathed out, relaxing, and faced the window again. Could he be relieved that I wanted him here?

He nodded, seeming to have made a mental decision. I waited for a reaction, something that would communicate to me his willingness to indulge my insane fantasy, but he continued staring straight ahead, nodding every few seconds or so.

If I hadn't already been out of my mind, this would have driven me there.

I got up, too quickly. I realized I hadn't eaten in probably too long, but my balance -- or lack thereof -- knew before I did, and I felt my knees crumple beneath me.

Instantaneously, Edward's cool, strong arms were around me, lifting me up. "How did you ever manage without me around?" He said with a tragic smile.

"I didn't," I answered quietly, then added, "But I've become marvelously good at pretending." I gazed up at him, wishing I could get lost in his eyes.

That did it. "Bella," he said simply, and kissed me.

It was as if the world came crashing down around us, and with it, my misery during the last two months. My delusions, I knew, would never return, for they had been replaced by the source of their necessity; and, most importantly, I felt the gaping hole inside of me being filled, like whatever had gone missing from my heart and gut just snapped back in there, flying through my room, through his marble body, right into mine.

I only hoped that it -- that he -- would stay there.

Edward broke the kiss and smiled down at me. If his smile had not been so sad, I would have started to believe he may love me again.

"Oh, for the love of God, end this torture!" I didn't realize I had said the words aloud until his smile morphed into a confused grimace. "I mean," I sighed, searching for a way to remedy what I'd said. "I just -- I need to know what the plan here is. Are you back now? Are you staying, or will you drag me into the woods again in a few days to say goodbye? It's fine if that's what you do, I'll take any time I can get; I just need to know."

He paused, but only for a moment. "I'll stay as long as it's the right thing to do, Bella."

I shook my head violently. "No! No more freaking cryptic answers, Edward Cullen! Tell me what to expect so you don't blindside me and leave me broken again! Tell me what to expect so that I can enjoy the time you are here without trying to convince myself that you still love me. Please," I added softly, so he would know I wasn't so angry that he should forego any planned attempts at redress. "Please, Edward, it's fine, whatever you've decided; I just need to know."

"Bella, I love you."

Wishful thinking. "What?" I said lamely.

"Bella, I love you." He repeated more slowly, smoothing my hair with his hand. I blushed, suddenly realizing how utterly unkempt I probably looked.

He brushed my cheek with his finger and chuckled lightly. "Oh, how I've missed that." He said, smiling. Then he moved his hand to my neck, lightly pressing two fingers there where it met my shoulder. Feeling my pulse. "And how I've missed that." He put his hands to either side of my shoulders, then bent his head forward, placing the side of his face against my chest. Listening to my heart. "And how I've missed that." He sighed. He sounded so… content.

I wrapped my arms around him and put my nose to his hair. Oh, how I'd missed that.

He stood up suddenly, keeping his hands on my shoulders. "Charlie's awake. You should get dressed and get something to eat. I'll be back in 40 minutes to take you to school." School. Crap. "I'll explain everything as soon as possible." He started for the window, then, thinking better of it, wrapped his arms around me again. "You're sure this is what you want? You seem a little bewildered; it makes you rather difficult to read. You're sure you want me in your life again?"

Of course I did. Stupid vampire. "Of course I do, you stupid vampire."

He laughed and kissed me, almost jubilantly, then flew out the window.

I wavered for a moment, regaining my bearings, then began getting dressed.