Vanilla Twilight

Tony sat on the deck of the USS Ronald Reagan, watching the waves go by. He sighed, replaying last night over and over in his mind.

Ziva had joined him at his apartment, like they did after all cases, but this time there was no celebratory glass of wine and movie night that usually came with a completed case. Ziva was leaving for Israel in the morning and Tony was boarding the USS Reagan not long after. It was the last night they'd get to spend together for… Tony didn't even want to contemplate that amount of time.

It was his fault she had to leave. They'd failed in protecting Jenny, and they were paying the price. Somewhere, karma is laughing as it kicks my ass, Tony had thought bitterly. They hadn't watched a movie. They hadn't even spoken. They just lay in Tony's bed and held each other until morning, each lost and uncertain of what to do now.

And Ziva had cried. It broke Tony's heart. His strong little ninja chick had cried. And it was his fault, no matter how indirectly.

And now, here he was, watching the sun set over the ocean and wishing fervently, not for the first time, that Ziva was here.

The stars lean down to kiss you
And I lie awake and miss you
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere
'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'd send a postcard to you dear
'Cause I wish you were here

Ziva sighed and buried her head in her hands. She'd arrived in Israel, gone back to her childhood home, and collapsed on the bed that was still there from her teenage years. She angrily rubbed tears from her eyes. Her father had been right. She had grown soft. America had made her soft, Tony had made her soft…

She'd acknowledged that long ago. But she hadn't regretted it until now. She'd thought it would be okay. She'd thought that as long as she was with Tony, she wouldn't have to go back to Mossad and she could be soft and no one would care. But now Tony was gone, and she was an assassin again, and things would never be the same.

She looked down at her hands. Just 24 hours ago, Tony was holding those hands in his, whispering into her hair that everything was going to be okay.

But it's not okay, Tony, she wanted to scream. She wanted to scream it so loudly that he could hear her from the USS Reagan, on the other side of the world. More tears slipped silently down her cheeks, but this time, there was no Tony to wipe them gingerly away with his thumbs and hold her hands until she was calm again.

I'll watch the night turn light blue
But it's not the same without you
Because it takes two to whisper quietly
The silence isn't so bad
Till I look at my hands and feel sad
'Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly

Tony let out a frustrated noise, eliciting strange glances from the other people meandering along the upper deck. He gazed over the open expanse of water that was glistening in the moonlight and admired the rich, dark velvet of the sky. He missed them so much… Gibbs, Abby, McGee… and especially Ziva.

You told me it would be okay, Ziva's voice whispered in his head. Tony jumped. But it's not okay, Tony. It took all of his composure not to start crying right there. He whipped his phone out of his pocket and pressed speed dial 2 – and stopped. He couldn't talk to her. Not now. The emotional stress, the longing, it would drive him over the edge of the boat into the water.

Thoughts of Ziva filled his brain. It was almost like she was here. He almost thought he caught her scent in the air, and his breath hitched and his heart pounded – but as soon as he recognized it, it was gone. Tony shook his head. Oh, how he missed her.

I'll find repose in new ways
Though I haven't slept in two days
'Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone
But drenched in vanilla twilight
I'll sit on the front porch all night
Waist-deep in thought because when I think of you
I don't feel so alone

Ziva tried in vain to keep the deluge from coming, but tears seeped from her eyes and down her face. She thought about calling him – but no, that would make her cry more. She couldn't afford more tears, her father was probably already wondering why she wasn't downstairs, anticipating her next mission.

Ziva thought of Jenny. Oh, Jenny, why did you have to die? Why did we have to be stupid enough not to follow you? Why? The strong, brilliant redhead was replaced in her mind's eye by another face, a face Ziva wanted to see so badly she thought she might explode from the pressure.

I don't feel so alone
I don't feel so alone
As many times as I blink
I'll think of you tonight
I'll think of you tonight

Tony sighed. Ziva wasn't here. And he would have to face that. He couldn't keep longing for her, he was an NCIS special agent. He had a mission.

Ziva, I won't forget about you, he thought. Two tears leaked from the corners of his eyes as he brought his fingers to his lips and blew a kiss in the direction he thought she might be, hoping she received it. Sighing, he went down to his bunk, crawled into bed, and slept to forget.

When violet eyes get brighter
And heavy wings grow lighter
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again
And I'll forget the world that I knew
But I swear I won't forget you
Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here

Ziva knew needed to put this behind her. As her father knocked on the door, she called to him that she would be right there. She opened her suitcase and pulled out the picture of Tony' she'd kept. A teardrop appeared on it; right over his heart.

She didn't know his heart was crying for her just as much as hers cried for him.

But she needed to move on. It was probably that the two of them would never meet again, and Ziva had to accept that. So she swallowed her tears, tucked the picture away in the back of her drawer, and went to talk to her father.

But both of them knew one thing.

Neither of them would ever forget.