My laptop LIVES!!! Hurrah! To celebrate, here's another chapter. And can you say fluff? Anyone, anyone?:P

As always, ilex-ferox rocks my socks.

Chapter Ten: Massive

Dinner that night goes better than expected.

At the outset, Artemis, sitting beside Holly and - through some cruel whim of fate - across from Minerva, fears the worst. To all intents and purposes, however, Holly seems to have come to terms with whatever had been bothering her earlier. She tries to tell herself that her newfound zen has nothing to do with Artemis' earlier behaviour. Artemis doesn't bother wasting time lying to himself.

Unfortunately, Holly has difficulty convincing herself. Look, I just don't like her. She's a brat, whatever Butler says. That's why I was so rude. Not to mention, she did kidnap N°1 not too long ago.

Sure, but if she was a brat with a pash on anyone other than Artemis, you'd still at least be civil.

Not at all. Artemis has nothing to do with this.

Any minute now your nose is going to be longer than this table.

Whatever. I'm not lying. And I'm not jealous.

Yes, you are, and no, obviously you're not anymore. Artemis was pretty clear about his preferences.

Oh shut up. Holly chews her unlucky asparagus spear with unnecessary violence.

Artemis meanwhile, blissfully unaware to Holly's raging inner monologue, takes her apparent complaisance as a licence to enjoy himself. Besides, a little healthy competition never hurt anyone, right? Minerva, thrilled at the return of his attention, is more brilliant than usual. Even Holly, between bouts of arguing with herself, is entertained; quietly smirking at the girl's wasted efforts; which of course immediately sends her into another round of internal civil war.

When dinner is finished, Butler comes down to join them and even Holly has to admit that Minerva seems genuinely happy to see him.

'Butler!' The blonde throws her arms around his middle, her hands not quite meeting across his back. 'It's been so long. I miss your cottage!'

Butler ruffles her curls fondly, 'You'll have to come over to the Manor and beat me at chess someday soon.'

Minerva laughs, tinkling and bell-like, 'Don't be so silly, I didn't always win.'

'You're too young to be going senile, Minerva,' Butler chides her, grinning.

She shrugs, 'I'm just trying to be polite.'

Holly swallows a few choice words.

'It was so surprising to see Holly again, though,' Minerva continues, perching on the armrest of Butler's chair, 'and in such a way. What an intriguing phenomenon.'

'Yes, that's exactly what I said when I woke up a different species.' Holly can't help herself this time. Who's she calling a 'phenomenon'? I am not a scientific experiment.

Minerva purses her pretty lips. 'You have to admit that from a scientific point of view-'

'See, that's the one problem with experiencing things first hand,' Holly sighs in mock-dejection, 'the fascinating scientific angle is just a tad harder to appreciate.'

'Juliet's returned from Mexico,' Butler interjects suddenly.

'Really? Oh, how lovely!' Minerva clearly does not want to drop the subject of Holly's transformation but, these days, is polite enough to let it go.

'You really dislike her, don't you?' Artemis asks Holly as, later, they take the lift back up to their rooms.

'Afraid so. I mean, yes, she's much more polite these days, and she really does seem fond of you, Butler, but, in case you've forgotten, she did kidnap N°1 and then generally get in the way as we tried to rescue her. Plus she's still spoiled, nosy and just plain obnoxious.'

'I kidnapped you,' Artemis points out, venturing onto shaky ground.

'Yes, and when she helps save us from Opal Koboi or escapes being eaten by trolls with me or keeps me from dying on a piece of rock lost in space and time, maybe then I'll like her better.'

Artemis feels rather chuffed for a moment until Holly continues.

'Of course, even if she does do all those things, and I do grow fond of her, she'll probably come up with some even more ingenious way of being cruel and untrustworthy.'

Artemis grimaces.

'Though,' comments Butler, 'perhaps it's true what they say: only those you love can hurt you.'

Outwardly, Holly is cavalier, snorting her scepticism. Inwardly, she grimaces. They don't even need to love you- they just need to think they do.

No, she realises, that's unfair. Whatever I want to think, I know that Artemis cares – in his own strange way. Besides, these days, I'm not really of any use to him; I've no magic, no gun and no shuttle, after all. She lets out a quiet chuckle, thinking, Frond, he really must actually like me.

Peeking at the boy in question out of the corner of her eye, Holly runs her teeth along her lower lip. I guess, when it comes down to it, Artemis is Artemis and will always be Artemis. I'm just going to have to live with the fact that I love an untrustworthy man.

But then, what was I expecting? That the boy who kidnapped me would grow up to be a saint? I fell in love with a criminal. That's what he is and always has been. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be the person I love. And, despite whatever I want to tell myself, I do love him.

Holly blows out her cheeks in consternation.

And I said he had bad karma. Frond, what I must have done in my past lives.

The lift doors open, shaking Holly from her thoughts. Flustered, she follows as Butler leads the way into the corridor, unaware of Artemis watching her, smiling.

As she's getting ready for bed her communicator buzzes, rattling along the top of her dresser. She frowns down at the device; these days Artemis is about the only person who calls her on it. Surely he'd just come knocking if he wanted to talk?

'Hello?' she answers.

'Holly! It's me, Trouble,' his words come in a breathless rush, 'and I've got some fantastic news! Where are you right now?'

'London.'

'London? Why? No, never mind. The Council agreed!'

Holly blinks. 'Agreed to what?

'To keeping you on as an employee! Vinyáya and I managed to convince them that having someone above ground wouldn't be such a bad idea, especially with the recently bout of smuggling we've been having. Nothing like a crime wave to get things moving!'

Holly laughs out loud; only Trouble would be excited by a spike in illegal activity. Then the enormity of his news strikes and she shrieks, jumping up and punching the air.

Out in the living room, Artemis and Butler look up as one at the scream and, without speaking, head for her door. They enter to find her almost doubled over with excitement, her hands on her kneews, speaking Gnommish at an incredible rate. Turning to each other, they share a look of complete bafflement.

'That's brilliant news, Trouble, thank you! Ugh, you have no idea how much I needed to hear that right now. Frond! I can't believe it!'

'Fowl isn't giving you problems, is he?' Trouble's voice grows cold.

'They're let- what? No, no, it's not Artemis. For once.'

Artemis catches his name but other than that is still mystified, her words are too rapid for his, out of practice, ear.

'Maybe Foaly's found a cure?' Butler suggests, doubtful.

Artemis frowns.

'When do you get back to the Manor? I've got some forms for you to sign.' Trouble, meanwhile, has already forgotten about Artemis.

'Tomorrow night. Though actually, Trouble, I've moved out. Foaly has the new address - he'll give you the coordinates. I'm living with Butler's younger sister, Juliet.'

'Something about Juliet,' Butler scowls in concentration.

'I wonder when she'll notice us standing here,' Artemis muses aloud.

'You have a roommate? Hmm, will she be out tomorrow night?'

'No, she -' Holly bites her tongue. She can hardly tell Trouble Juliet knows. 'Actually, I'm not sure. I'll ask her. But – no - you know what? I'll just stay at the Manor for a bit after we arrive and you can come there, if you want.'

'That might be better. I've got something else for you, actually, and I think it should probably be delivered at the Manor.'

Holly's eyebrows rise of their own accord, 'Well, well, well, you are full of surprises this evening. Tomorrow then, at the Manor. Towards midnight? Yeah? Excellent. See you then. And thanks again, Trouble, this is so fantastic,' Holly snaps the communicator shut, smiling from ear to ear.

'Artemis! Bu- ACK!' she jumps at the sight of them already in her doorway, falling back against her dresser, communicator clutched over her heart.

'Yes?' asks Butler, innocently.

'We heard a scream,' Artemis adds nonchalantly, by way of explaining their presence.

'Frond, I think you just took a decade off my life!' But she recovers quickly; running forward, she warps her arms as far they will go around Butler and Artemis and hugs them tightly. 'Trouble just called me! The Council decided to keep me on!'

'That's great, Holly!' Butler extricates himself and picks her up, swinging her around. She wraps her arms around his neck, grinning from ear to ear.

'Congratulations, Holly,' Artemis tries to sound like he means it. Yet another thing to keep her from him.

'I know! I can't believe he managed it, he must really have given them hell,' she sighs as Butler puts her back on the ground. 'The poor guy's probably still beating himself up about my Book.'

'I guess this means I'll have to find someone else for Artemis,' Butler phrases it as a statement, but they all understand it to be a question.

Holly looks up at the bodyguard, then over at his unruly charge. She smiles slightly. 'I doubt it, Butler. I don't think the LEP will have masses for me to do. I'm sure I could manage the odd physics conference here and there.'

Artemis swallows, an unexpected rush of gratitude filling him.

'Thank you,' he says.

'Don't mention it,' Holly smiles. 'Besides, I figure I'm probably going to have to ask you for the odd favour with this job so I'll need all the leverage I can get.'

'Ah, the truth comes out,' Artemis shakes his head in mock-sadness.

'You should take it as a compliment,' Holly smacks his stomach lightly, 'though goodness knows you don't need any more hot air in that head of yours.'

'I am going to go to bed now, before you can insult me further,' Artemis sniffs, tightening his dressing gown around him with dignity.

Holly laughs, ''Night, Arty.' She takes Butler by the hand and starts jumping again. He stands still, laughing and letting his forearm rise and fall with her.

The next morning Minerva joins them for breakfast. Holly, still buzzing from Trouble's news, is so happy that, at one point, she even goes so far as to offer Minerva the salt.

'Don't you miss being... well, magical?' Minerva asks, taking the salt cellar to double as a conversation starter.

Holly shrugs, 'Sure. But there's not much I can do about it, is there? Besides, once day I might change back.'

'Really?' Minerva leans forward, still wanting the particulars of this story. 'Is it like a disease then, your humanity? Are you searching for a cure, Artemis?'

'Avidly,' replies Artemis with a marked lack of enthusiasm. This does not escape Minerva's notice.

'I'm not sure how I feel about that,' Minerva jokes, 'being compared to influenza.'

'Oh don't worry,' a little of Holly's dislike sneaks past her good humour, 'you're more of a cancer. Much more complex.'

Minerva's lips thin, but she continues brightly, 'Oh well, that's alright then. Would you like the bread knife, Holly?' she offers the utensil to the other woman as she reaches for a roll.

'Yes, thanks.'

Minerva smiles prettily.

Holly takes the knife and, cradling the roll in her other hand begins cutting into it. Just as the knife comes out the other side, the table jerks suddenly and the knife slips, cutting Holly's thumb. She drops the roll in surprise. 'Ouch!' she sticks her thumb in her mouth.

Minerva passes her a handkerchief from her bag without comment.

'Thanks,' Holly says absently, taking the cloth without thinking. She wraps her thumb in it, pressing until the bleeding slows and stops.

Unwinding the handkerchief, Holly stares at her bloodstains for a moment, and her first thought is: Man, do I need to complete the Ritual. Trubs'll kill me for working on empty. Then she blinks, shakes her head, and returns to the dining room of Claridges, determined not to think about it. 'Sorry, I don't know if those'll come out.' She hands the handkerchief back to Minerva.

'Don't worry about it,' Minerva replies. Artemis' eyes narrow in sudden suspicion as he watches the handkerchief vanish into the depths of her purse.

It's a bit disturbing really, the way they talk about my internal organs, Holly thinks as she drives Artemis, Butler, and herself back to the airport. Artemis is on the phone to Foaly.

'We should scan her brain, I'm sure there will be abnormalities. When I had magic – Yes, I am talking about the magic I stole. No, I – Look, do you really think this is the time? Thank you,' Artemis runs his fingers along the door handle as he waits for Foaly to behave himself. 'As I was saying, when I had magic I realised that humans must once have had the same capacity for it as the People, only we have long since stopped using that portion of our brains and subsequently lost the ability. But, perhaps if we can re-stimulate that area of her brain, we could trigger a sort of graft vs. host reaction. Her genes still have trace amounts of elfin DNA sequencing – with its magic restored her body might reject the human mutations in their next replication. No, I don't know if it's safe. No – well, it's an idea isn't it? Alright, when we get back, then. No, don't worry, I know a private hospital that will work fine. No, it won't be a problem - I fund a good deal of their AIDS research. Yes. Yes... very well. Yes, I will. Goodbye.' Artemis turns the fairy-communicator-cum-ostentatious-ring right way round on his finger. 'Foaly insists I tell you he says hello. Despite the fact that he will probably be calling when we get back.'

Holly laughs. 'So, what am I rejecting exactly?'

'Right now, nothing. This is all very farfetched and DNA remodelling is hardly a bone marrow transplant, but we'll see.'

'Basically, you're saying don't get your hopes up.'

'Precisely.'

She shrugs. 'At least you're trying.'

'Mmm,' agrees Artemis.

'Oh, by the way,' Holly turns into the parking lot, 'Trouble's coming by tonight with stuff for me to sign. It's for the job. I couldn't tell him that Juliet knew, so – why am I explaining this to you? You were there.'

'Yes, I was, though you were speaking too fast for us to follow. But don't worry: I'll at least be more polite than you were to Minerva.'

Butler tenses, expecting a fight. But Artemis has gauged Holly's mood well - between the excitement of her new job and the knowledge that he and Foaly are making progress - there is going to be very little capable of aggravating her.

'Well, that gives you plenty of room to manoeuvre then,' Holly quips, unrepentant.

Artemis smiles with all his teeth.

'You home yet?'

'Yessir, we just walked in the door,' Holly speaks into her communicator as she, Artemis, and Butler start up the stairs. 'Give us ten, okay? And I think Foaly's gonna be on the blower in a bit too. He and Artemis want to play mad scientists with my brain.'

'Better you than me.' Holly can practically hear his shudder. She laughs as he closes the connection.

'Where is everyone, anyway?' Holly asks as they reach the second floor.

'Father's taken the twins camping and Mother should still be at her reading group.'

'Your father camps?' Holly can't quite hide her astonishment.

'Yes,' Artemis seems just as mystified. 'It may be due to your – ah - influence.'

Holly shares a bemused look with Butler. 'I hadn't realised that my magic was so.... well, influential.'

'I still maintain there's something in the Fowl genetics that makes them more susceptible,' Butler smirks. 'Just look at little Myles.'

Artemis gives his enormous manservant a withering look as he opens the door to his study.

Trouble hasn't given them ten minutes, he's already there. And with him is –

'N°1!' Holly grins, holding out her arms to the imp.

He launches himself into them. 'I've been waiting ages, aeons, to come visit you. Well, I mean, not actually of course, but it's felt like aeons, which is, I suppose, why we say it. Is time weird, or what? At any rate, I almost threatened to turn Councillor Poole into a guinea pig, I was so frustrated! Wouldn't that have been funny? But how are you doing?'

Holly laughs, 'I'm fine, N°1.'

The apprentice warlock wrinkles his nose. 'Holly, that is such an awful word. It doesn't get much more boring than "fine".'

'Sorry.'

The imp pats her hand consolingly. It's not her fault she's not virtually omnipotent, after all.

'And Artemis?' The imp turns to his favourite human. 'How are you? If you say fine, I will send you back to the Dark Ages. And I mean that literally, it's not just a pleasantry.'

'I'm...' Artemis searches for the best word, 'intrigued.'

'Better than fine. Butler?'

'Spiffing,' the big man deadpans.

N°1 is in raptures. 'See, Holly? Now, Butler here has flair. Spiffing? Did you hear that? That's a colloquialism, that is!'

Holly smiles down at the grinning imp and is struck by a sudden thought. 'Hey, N°1, do you know the game Scrabble?'

The imp purses his lips. 'No, I don't.'

'Butler will you find Myles' board? I think N°1 will get a kick out of it.'

'Neat! Something new! I love new things.'

Trouble clears his throat quietly. 'Holly, if I could borrow you for a minute?'

Holly leaves Artemis and N°1 to themselves and slips over to her friend. 'It was really kind of you to bring him with you, Trubs. I take it he's the other surprise?'

'Yeah,' Trouble's brown eyes crinkle as he smiles. 'And here're the forms, I guess you know the drill.'

In truth, there are no forms - as we would think of them - and Holly isn't actually signing anything. The contract is stored on one of Foaly's info-crystals and all Holly has to do is press her thumb to one of its facets, allowing its micro sensors to record her fingerprint, DNA, and blood type, a process everyone still refers to as 'signing' because it's, well, simpler.

Holly winks, 'Yeah, I think I can just about handle that, even in this condition.'

Trouble laughs softly, not wanting to draw Artemis' attention.

'And thanks again, Trouble. For getting me this job, I mean. I know it must have been a pain in the ass. You've no idea how much I appreciate it though. Really,' she smiles, taking her hand back with a flourish.

He shakes his head. 'It was nothing. Vinyáya did most of the yelling, anyway. Besides, I still feel bad about –'

Holly lays a hand on his shoulder. 'Just forget about it, Trouble.'

'Are you really doing fine?' he asks suddenly, turning his eyes on her.

Holly nods slowly. 'I am. I'm... honestly, I think I'm happy, Trouble.' she laughs. 'Besides, never a dull moment with Artemis around.'

Trouble works hard to keep his lips from curling. 'You really... care for that Mud Boy, don't you?'

'Yes,' Holly says softly, then more confidently, 'I really do.'

'Just watch yourself, okay?' Trouble snorts, a wry half-smile on his face. 'I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but it's difficult.'

'Don't bother, he's as bad as you think he is and then some. But he'll look out for me.'

'Are you sure?' Trouble raises a sceptical brow.

Holly nods without hesitation. 'Yes. In his own way, at least.'

'Well,' Trouble sighs, 'if you ever need help, you know how to get in touch.'

'You're the best, Trouble.' Holly puts a hand on his shoulder.

'I do what I can,' Trouble shrugs.

'And that's more than enough.'

Trouble gives her a grateful smile.

'I found the Scrabble board,' Butler returns triumphant. Needless to say, N°1 is in love.

'They need to make this in Gnommish,' he enthuses, 'and in multilingual editions. This may be the best thing you Mud Men have ever come up with.'

'Holly! Congratulations!' Foaly's bray makes them all jump. He waves at them from the monitor of one of Artemis' computers.

'He needs a ringtone,' Holly mutters to Artemis. Louder, she says, 'Thanks, Foaly. And look what else Trouble brought with him,' she gestures to N°1. 'We're teaching him Scrabble.'

Foaly snorts, 'I didn't realise you were a closet masochist, Holly. You do know there's no way you'll ever win, right?'

'S'okay,' Holly shrugs, 'Lately, I've been losing pretty regularly to Myles, and he's four and a half. At least with N°1 I don't feel so bad about it.'

'That's the spirit,' Foaly snickers. 'Fowl fill you in on his latest thought?'

'Sort of. But I get the feeling I won't understand much else of it.'

Foaly grins, 'Probably not.'

Holly rolls her eyes.

'Though,' continues Foaly, seriously, 'You realise that this is -'

'Unlikelier than a beardless dwarf?'

'More or less,' the centaur nods.

'Oh well, worth a shot,' Holly smiles.

'That's my girl,' Foaly winks at her. 'Anyway, I just phoned to say hi, how are the kids, etc. I've actually gotta go deal with really important crisis-averting stuff down here, so I'll talk to you later.'

'You just don't want Trouble to ream you out for wasting time.'

'Yeah, well, that's another way of putting, I guess you could say.'

'See you, Foaly.'

''Night, Holly.' Foaly gives everyone a quick wave and disappears from the screen as suddenly as he had appeared.

Artemis sighs for his software.

As the Scrabble game nears its end, Butler excuses himself and goes down to the kitchen, returning ten minutes later with snacks. N° 1, glorying in his victory, is fairly sure that his night can't get any better.

'I love cream puffs!' his face lights up.

Butler laughs at Holly's wrinkled nose. 'Not much for pastry?'

'Eating cream like that still kind of makes me nauseas,' Holly admits.

'Really?' Artemis frowns, 'Do you eat dairy poducts? As a people, I mean?'

Trouble answers, 'We've nothing against it, traditionally. Not like we have with meat, anyway. But we haven't really had dairy products since we left the surface - it's against our laws to domesticate or keep animals. We have to ask them for their milk, or wool, or whatever. Something we obviously can't really do from kilometres underground. So, no one's really eaten it for centuries.'

'Hmm,' Artemis taps his lower lip, 'I wonder if you've all become lactose intolerant over the years or if, like humans, it's only certain individuals. Then again, clearly N°1 has no issues with dairy produce.'

Holly shrugs, 'It could also depend on the species. Dwarves eat meat after all.'

'Very true,' Artemis considers. 'What about other types of milks and cheeses? Do you have dairy substitutes underground?'

The two elves look at each other, slowly shaking their heads. 'Not really. Most of our proteins are legume based, though I think there's a company under Nagoya that does a trade in Amasake, but it's not very widespread,' Trouble says.

'What are you thinking, Artemis?' Holly asks.

'About importing soya milk to Haven,' the boy replies.

Trouble clears his throat pointedly.

'I'm not serious, Commander,' Artemis waves a hand airily, 'merely curious, that's all.'

'Right,' says Trouble, clearly unconvinced.

Having demolished the cream puffs and committed the recipe to memory (Butler has had to go back down and bring up The Joy of Cooking), N°1 turns to them again. 'I really wish you liked cream puffs, Holly. They're so delicious - the delicate pastry, the slightly sweetened interior...'

'You're starting to sound like Mulch when he talks about clay,' Holly laughs at the imp's dreamy expression.

'Hopefully with more eloquence,' N°1 huffs, then snaps his fingers. 'Trouble! The magic - I nearly forgot!'

Holly frowns, 'What magic?'

'My magic!' N°1 smiles. 'Well, and Opal's.'

Trouble rises, digging a case out of his bag. Flicking up the lid, he brings them a transparent canister, the size and shape of a water bottle. It's full of a dark rust-coloured liquid through which the occasional blue spark appears before hitting the wall of the container and disappearing back into the murky liquid.

'This,' N°1 takes the bottle, 'is most of what's left of Opal's original serum. The LEP found it in her lab. Foaly's obviously kept some of it with him underground. Now, try not to lose it because, not only will you feel really stupid, but we'd be in a bit of a mess. Well, I say a bit, but really I mean-'

'It's alright, N°1, I can visualise the size of the mess just fine,' Holly assures him.

'It's big, isn't it?' the imp hands her the canister.

'Massive,' agrees Holly solemnly.