So, after a lot of "well that was silly of you"s I decided to go back to T. Having finally visited the M section, I feel this was an okay decision:P On to part II. Chapter title stolen from Monty Python but things are pretty temperate right now, so hey! Also, I have been told that Canadians do a lot of air-quotes with their fingers. And I mean, yeah, we do, but doesn't everybody? So my question is: do you (other than other Canadians reading this) use air quotes? And oooo hometown cameo. Couldn't resist...

Also! Side note: sorry, yes, I did skip over Artemis' birthday because I really didn't have anything to say about it. So yes, it did just kind of vanish. To tell the truth, I'd completely forgotten about it until ilex-ferox went: Sooo, what happened to his birthday? So, thank you ilex-ferox, for that, and for pointing out that my next few chapters really sucked (and then helping them get better).

Also, RIOT 2010. Enjoy.

Part II

Chapter Sixteen: A Temperate Zone

The red motorbike is waiting for him as he steps onto the pavement, briefcase in hand. Its rider lounges on a nearby bench, her helmet in her lap, as she enjoys a brief moment under the frigid winter sun.

'Hello,' he says, sitting down beside her.

She cracks one eye open, tilting her head to the side to get a better look at him. 'Hello,' she returns.

It's been four days since their rainy weekend. Between preparing lectures and grocery shopping and a sudden, overpowering shyness, they haven't spoken since.

'It's been a while,' he comments, trying to maintain his sangfroid.

'Yes,' she agrees.

Minutes pass.

She sits forward suddenly, resting her elbows on her knees.

This is it, he thinks, this is where she says 'Actually, this has all been a big mistake. This whole thing. I thought I cared but really I don't, and you're a terrible lover and your –'

'Why didn't you call?' she asks.

He blinks. 'Oh.' And suddenly he realises he's been an idiot and that there's no reason to be shy or wonder or...

'"Oh?"' She repeats.

'Why didn't you call?' he counters.

They look each other in the eye for a moment, and both see the exact same thing.

She snorts. He gives a tentative smile. She wraps her arms around his neck and laughs. Still a little awkward, he puts a hand to her hair.

Leaning back from him at last, she wipes away tears. 'What total idiots,' she says, kissing his forehead. 'Come on, let's get you home.'

As they tear through town, he holds her more tightly than he needs to.

Despite all his complaining, he finds that a motorbike isn't such a bad way to travel after all.

Holly races through the woods, jumping roots and dodging branches. Every breath burns its way along her throat as sweat runs down her face, beading on her eyelashes.

A sudden movement flickers on her left and she grabs a branch above her, swinging herself into the tree without hesitation, as two hypodermic darts tear through the air just below her. Swearing viciously under her breath, she disappears up into the tree, wriggling through its branches and jumping into those of the next one along. Scanning the ground she see nothing and drops back down, hitting the ground running, keeping herself low.

Artemis sits with Butler, reclining on an out-of-place deck chair and drinking a decaf cappuccino. He reads e.e. cummings; Butler, Guns & Ammo.

As she nears the stream a noise comes from her right. This time she doesn't turn, simply shoots a couple of darts from her modified Neutrino as she vaults the stream. Safely on the other bank, she continues to run.

Butler glances at his watch before lifting a plate of delectable looking snacks. 'Biscuit, Artemis?' he inquires.

She's only a metre into the undergrowth when a hail of bullets comes ripping through the foliage. Falling to the ground, Holly wriggles behind a tree then returns to her feet, running once more. The sounds of her attacker fade and she puts on an extra burst of speed, seeing the trees thin ahead of her.

'Please,' Artemis replies, reaching across. Just as his fingers close on a shortbread, Holly comes careening out of the woods, arms outspread as she leaps a particularly thick fallen birch. She lands without breaking stride. Behind her feet the grass is pockmarked with holes as bullets spew out of the trees, falling just short of her.

Butler, who has heard her coming for several minutes now, is unfazed, but Artemis jumps, his coffee sloshing over the rim of the cup and onto his trousers. Making a face, he stands, brushing at the liquid.

Holly slows infinitesimally before pitching forward into Artemis. 'Ung,' she says by way of hello.

Butler clicks a stopwatch he has drawn out of a pocket.

Sighing loudly through his nose, Artemis puts his coffee cup back on the table. 'You're covered in sweat,' he tells her, wrinkling his nose.

'Next time I'm letting them kill you,' she mumbles into his shirt.

Butler chuckles as his third cousin comes out of the woods, a rifle over one shoulder, two hand guns in holsters. 'How was she?' Butler asks.

'Fast,' comes the reply. 'She's so tiny and dark; in the dim light it's hard to spot her. Climbs like a monkey too. She'll be handy if you get lost in the wilds out there in the Rockies.' This is more than Holly usually hears from Other Butler in weeks. 'However, whatever it is she's shooting has got terrible range.'

Butler nods, looking at the watch in his hands. 'Yes, she certainly was fast. Let's get back to the house and find you a better gun, Holly. Those Neutrinos aren't much use modified for darts. And we're going to the coast, not the Rocky Mountains.'

Other Butler shrugs unconcernedly.

'We could go back to lasers.' Holly looks up at him, through the hair plastered to her forehead, moving away from Artemis to stand on her own. 'No bullets.'

'No bullets,' Butler agrees. Other Butler snorts derisively.

Holly ignores him. 'You coming, Artemis?'

'Mm? Yes, of course.' Artemis raises his eyes back to her face. She laughs at his distraction.

Holly has to admit that showering in Fowl Manor is a lot more fun than showering at home. From the wide choice of soaps to the gleaming porcelain, the experience is nearly, well, magical. Rain started as they returned to the Manor and now it ricochets off the tall windows that partially ring the bathtub. The view from under the shower is better than that from most five star hotels. Holly tilts her head back and lets the water beat down on her chest and belly as she watches the wind whip the rain nearly horizontal.

Stepping out of the tub, she stands on the bath mat and shuffles it along the tiles, trying not to get water everywhere. Successfully reaching the towels, she dries herself off, humming with pleasure; she's known rabbits less fluffy than these towels. Nearly dry, she wraps the towel securely around her body and returns the bath mat to its original location. Gathering up her sweaty clothes, she heads for the door.

Hand on the doorknob, she pauses. On the other side of the door are Artemis' room and the clean clothes she'd brought along to change into. She hadn't thought of it at the time, just dumped her bag on the floor and gone. She looks down at herself. Goodness knows Artemis has seen her in less than this before, and she thought they'd gotten over their momentary shyness. Apparently not entirely. Holly shakes her head at her own idiocy and, resolute, opens the door.

Artemis looks up from his book. Holly's arms tighten around the bundle of clothes she carries. They eye each other across the room.

'If you want, you can just leave those here, they'll be washed,' he offers, sticking to banalities.

'That'd be great,' she says, staying where she is.

'The laundry basket is in the closet,' he nods to the door on her left.

'Right,' she says, staying where she is.

They eye each other across the room.

'This is ridiculous,' Artemis speaks first, again.

'Yes,' Holly gives a sheepish half smile. 'It's just... different. Being in this house, I mean. There're a lot more memories here.' She chuckles suddenly. 'Too bad N°1 doesn't need to send us back in time now, eh?'

He smiles. 'Put your clothes in the basket,' he tells her. She does.

Emerging from the depths of Artemis' closet, Holly crosses the room to where he's lounging on the couch. She sits down beside him, elbows on her knees, chin in her hands. He watches her spine curve, rising from the towel. Hesitantly, he runs his fingers down her back, following that curve. She lets one arm slip from under her chin and leans sideways, her eyes half-closed.

'I guess it's not so different here, after all,' she murmurs.

'No,' he replies.

Leaning back, she wriggles under his arm, fitting herself in beside him. 'You never told me - whatever happened when you got back? From that weekend, I mean.'

'My father attempted to lecture me on safe sex. As though I were a complete idiot.'

Holly blinks, trying to picture the scene. Abruptly, she explodes with laughter, chortling into his ribcage.

'It isn't funny,' Artemis' voice is indignant. 'He kept sidestepping the point and asking me if there was anything I wanted to ask him; I, of course, had absolutely no idea what he was going on about. Butler had to step in, in the end, to keep the conversation from lasting interminably. My father could not have come to the point if ordered to do so on pain of death. And all of it for nothing because, obviously, I am not an imbecile, nor a pubescent teenager. Honestly, sometimes my father gets the most ridiculous notions into his head.' Artemis tches.

Holly wipes away tears. 'He was just trying to do his job. Parents are supposed to explain that stuff to their kids.'

'So he kept saying.' Artemis rolls his eyes, 'A bit late however, isn't he?'

'Well, to be fair, you were gone at what would have been the optimal age.'

Artemis nods slowly. 'I have to say, of all the things I regret missing, that is not one of them. I had no idea parents felt the need to explain such things. How can it possibly lead to anything but acute embarrassment for everyone involved?'

'Well, kids've got to learn it somewhere, right?'

'Don't they give classes on it, or something? I'm sure St. Bartleby's had some...' he thinks back, uncertain but not really caring.

'Oh probably, but it makes parents feel more secure to know they've said it themselves. As though that changes anything.'

Idly, Artemis runs his fingers through her wet hair. 'I hope I never feel it necessary to subject my child to something similar.'

Holly swallows, thinking about that hypothetical child.

'Mind you, I suppose I could always let you do it,' he muses, mostly to himself.

'And what if I don't want children?' Holly speaks, abruptly sitting up, away from him.

Artemis blinks, taken aback. He hasn't really been thinking about what he's been saying, or that she would take him so literally. 'All the better - that would bypass the entire thing completely,' he speaks flippantly, trying to lighten the mood, and draws her back toward him.

She doesn't resist. 'That's years off,' she says, slinging a leg over both of his and shifting to sit on his thighs. 'Who knows if we'll even still be...' she pauses. Who is she trying to kid? 'Well, at any rate, that's years off,' she reiterates.

He laughs at her unfinished sentence, cradling her face in his hands as she leans forward to kiss him, her elbows resting on his shoulders.

Then there comes a knock at the door. Holly is off his lap and carrying her bag of clean clothes into the bathroom before he has a chance to blink. Making a discontented noise in his throat, Artemis answers the door.

'Myles.' Artemis stares down at his younger sibling with unconcealed frustration. 'What can I do for you?'

'Is Holly here? Mother said she was here.'

'Yes, she's here, but she's showering at the moment.' Struck by a sudden thought, Artemis steps out into the hallway, closing the door so that Holly won't be able to hear. 'Actually, Myles, I have a question for you. Do you remember that time you came into my room and I was toying with a vial of red liquid, like rancid tomato juice? I don't suppose you've seen that vial around the house somewhere, have you?'

Myles swallows. 'Uh, n-no, I don't think so...'

'Are you sure?'

At the boy's vigorous nodding, Artemis sighs in dismay. 'Ah well, it was worth a try. If you do see the vial, however, you will tell me, won't you, Myles?'

More nodding.

Artemis smiles, showing his incisors. 'Thank you, Myles, that's very good of you. If you would like, I'm sure Holly won't be too long in the shower. You could wait here if you like.'

'Oh, no thank you, I'm alright.' The boy's eyes widen at the thought of waiting with Artemis. 'I'd better go before Nanny worries.'

'Yes, I suppose you'd better. See you at dinner then.' Another vampiric smile.

Watching Myles positively flee down the corridor, Artemis frowns. Surely his own brother wouldn't have stolen Opal's potion? Then again, why else would the boy be lying? Artemis wonders who else in his family Minerva has bewitched.

Returning to his room, Artemis finds Holly dry and dressed, slouching in his office chair.

'Who was it?' she asks.

'Myles,' he shrugs, voice even.

Holly sighs. 'He's a good kid,' she says, shaking her head.

'Mm,' Artemis replies.

She stands, laughing at his scepticism. 'Reminds me of you when you were young and innocent. Oh wait,' she teases, winding her arms around him, 'except that you never were. You were probably conning your nurses before even leaving the maternity ward.'

'One does one's best.'

'Always doing the family proud,' she chuckles, and kisses him.

The first week of November arrives, grey and blustery, to find Holly sitting at the marble-topped island in the Fowl's kitchen, sipping freshly-made carrot juice out of an enormous glass and trying to ignore her host. Artemis Senior stands across from her, leaning his elbows on the countertop, hands clasped before him.

'So. Holly. How are you these days?'

'Er, fine, Mr. Fowl. And yourself?' Holly glances not-too-subtly at her watch.

'Oh, I'm good, I'm good.' The man inspects his pristine nails. 'I hear that you are, ah, going to Vancouver with Artemis.'

'Yes, I am. Butler's coming too, apparently; wants to drop in on Mme. Ko, he said. Her training camp is in the Queen Charlotte Islands this year.'

'Ah, yes, yes, Butler. Mme. Ko. Yes.'

Holly frowns at his distractedness. 'Is everything alright, Mr. Fowl?'

'Well, actually, Holly, I was wondering if I might ask you –'

'Holly, you're here already. Excellent. Butler will just be a few more minutes – something about grenades, I believe.'

Three blue eyes and one hazel fix immediately on Artemis Junior. He raises a careless eyebrow in response. Nothing in his serene expression hints at the gymnastics his stomach has taken up. Please don't let his father have said anything embarrassing.

'Fantastic.' Holly hops down to the floor. 'See you later, Mr. Fowl.'

Mr. Fowl looks about to say something but Artemis ushers Holly out of the room as quickly as he can, throwing a 'See you in a few days,' over his shoulder.

As they enter the entrance hall, Artemis looks down at her front. 'Another gift from Juliet, I presume?'

Holly fingers the sea-green silk tie, decorated with large gold and white koi, and smiles. 'You're lucky it's just the tie. She was talking about getting me a sword. Apparently it would give me "street cred" and "sweet style". I told her the airport security might not care about my cred or my style.' She makes the quotation marks with her fingers.

'Ah, the things one has to miss out on when taking public flights.'

'I think I'll survive,' Holly chuckles.

Artemis shrugs. 'It was worth a try,' he smiles.

She beams up at him, rising onto her tiptoes.

Butler, coming round the bend in the staircase as he heads down to the entrance hall, pauses. After a moment, he continues, making sure to make unnecessary amounts of noise as he turns the corner.

As they settle back into their plush, first class seats, Holly pulls out the trip's security folder and waves it under Butler's nose. 'Talk to me, Butler, why exactly must I memorise the timetables of the Sky Train?'

Artemis tunes them out, picking up the conference's introductory packet. Flipping through the pages, he runs one slim finger down the list of attendees. He stops halfway down the line and taps the paper thoughtfully.

Paradizo, Minerva.

Well, well, well. Out for more blood, is she?

He looks up, over the page, towards Holly, who is gesturing expressively with her hands. Closing his booklet, he decides not to mention it. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.

They are greeted by one of Vancouver's most prominent features: rain. As Butler drives them down the highway from the airport into town, Holly peers through the grey drizzle at the lush, roadside shrubs and grasses.

'It's November, but look how green everything is! It's incredible.'

'That's because this area is actually a temperate rainforest,' Artemis speaks from the back seat. 'Arguably greener than Ireland.'

'Impressive,' Holly acknowledges. 'Actually, I've been doing some reading, apparently there's some great hiking around here.'

'How fascinating.' Artemis has never sounded less fascinated.

Holly rolls her eyes. 'Well, I think a bit of hiking would be nice. Not to mention that it would do you good. Might even come in handy next time we're running for our lives.'

'Actually, I was thinking,' Butler puts his two cents in, 'that perhaps you two would like to come up to the Queen Charlotte Islands with me. The lecture you want to hear is tomorrow, Artemis, but the one you're giving isn't until four days later. That gives us a few days to see a bit of the islands. They're supposed to be very beautiful, a lot of nearly untouched forest, dating back to prehistory.'

Holly turns in her seat to face Artemis. He resolutely stares at his laptop's screen.

'Artemis,' she says.

He doesn't look up. She purses her lips.

'Oh, alright, if it means that much to you. Just don't expect me to hike as well.'

Holly laughs and smiles. 'What are you talking about, Artemis? I'm your bodyguard. You go where I go. And I'm going hiking.'

'And here I was thinking you worked for me,' he shakes his head in mock dismay.

'Ha!' Holly snorts. 'Perish the thought!'

Artemis sighs, and resigns himself to getting hopelessly wet and muddy. The things one does for people one cares about. It's disgusting, really, how far he's slipped.

As Butler collects the key cards from the front desk, Holly eyes the lobby of the Fairmont Waterfront Hotel. It is opulent in the extreme, but a bit too beige for her tastes. She shakes her head; all this travelling on a Fowl-sized budget is spoiling her. The hotel is incredible and all she can think is, "it's too beige"?

If it were you on your own you'd be bunking in a youth hostel dorm.

Too true.

Artemis watches her expression change and asks, 'Care to share with the class?'

Holly laughs. 'It's a bit beige.'

Her companion nods but his thoughts on the colour scheme are interrupted by Butler's return, two bellhops in tow.

'We're in the Royal Suite,' he passes a key card to each. 'That is what you booked, isn't it, Artemis?'

'Yes.'

Butler smiles as their luggage is carried off for them. 'Lovely. It's my favourite.'

'The "Royal Suite"?' Holly raises an eyebrow as they head for the lift. 'They think very highly of themselves.'

'Well, it was where Queen Elizabeth stayed when she visited Vancouver in 2002,' Butler points out.

Holly stops in her tracks. 'You have got to be kidding me.'

Artemis motions to the open lift doors. 'Stop hanging about, Short.'

'But Queen Elizabeth?' Holly mutters as she hops into the lift. Spoiling hardly covers this.

Another detail Butler and Artemis have forgotten to mention about the Royal Suite is that it only has two bedrooms. Standing in the doorway of their room, Holly isn't exactly put out by this, only surprised that Artemis would be so blatant about the escalation of their relationship. He's chosen not to mention his father and their little chat.

'Holy Frond!' Holly is pulled out of her thoughts as she catches sight of the view. Floor to ceiling windows are full of the dark pine trees of Stanley Park and the sun setting over the harbour. The ocean is violet and gold in the dimming light and far in the distance she can make out the Olympic Mountains.

Artemis sits on the king-sized bed, smiling, as he takes off his shoes.

Holly presses her face and hands to the window, unable to get close enough to the heady mix of ocean and sky. 'How do people get anything done in this city?' she asks. 'I'd spend all day staring at the water.'

'She's going to be in seventh heaven when she sees the Queen Charlottes,' Butler pokes his head around the doorframe.

'Don't remind me,' Artemis grumbles.

'I've booked our accommodation already. A cabin in Naikoon Provincial Park. Mme. Ko's training grounds are on a small island off the coast of the park, I'll be able to take a skiff out there and back.'

'A cabin?' Artemis repeats.

'It'll be good for you,' Butler tells him.

Holly is still too busy at the windows to comment.

Shuddering delicately, Artemis says, 'I cannot believe I agreed to this.'

Butler smiles seraphically. 'Let's put it this way: I'm sure you'll be well rewarded.'

Artemis shoots him a dirty look.

Holly rolls onto her stomach, resting her weight on her elbows. They'd left the curtains open and, in the dim city lights, she watches Artemis sleep.

He's so white you nearly lose him in the sheets, she thinks. She smiles to herself and brushes his hair off his forehead. She's had a fair few lovers in her life and he is far from being the most talented of them – yet - but he is far and away the most memorable. She supposes it helps that their attachment goes much deeper than any of her previous relationships. It's bizarre, really. I mean, emotionally, we've been close for a long time – like he said before, we've been through too much not to be. So, that said, it's no surprise that we fell in love. Or whatever. But sleeping with him? Let's be honest here; he's not ugly, but he's skin and bones and paler than a deep water fish. Those haven't ever been things I found attractive. Not to mention, I never showed a tendency towards paedophilia before. So what's the attraction?

He opens his eyes, large and dark in his sharp face. 'Hello,' he says. 'Can't sleep?'

She shakes her head, pupils dilating. Girl, she tells herself, this really isn't going to work. You keep telling yourself scrawny, malnurished boys aren't attractive and, all the while, you can barely keep your hands off him.

'Me neither,' he tells her.

'What a coincidence.' She smiles his vampire smile.

'Hello,' Butler opens the suite's door the next morning, smiling down at the girl standing in the hall outside. 'Do come in.'

She smiles up at him and follows him to the main room, trailed by a stocky, blonde man in a dark suit.

'Minerva,' Artemis looks up as she sits down across from him. 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you? Saw my name on the attendees list and thought I'd not be able to keep away? How typical of the male ego.'

'And yet, here you are.'

'Mmm,' she replies. 'Where's Holly?'

'Out running.' Artemis can't help a slight wrinkling of his nose.

Minerva frowns at him. 'You look like you haven't slept a wink.'

Artemis coughs. 'It's the pillows.'

Butler snorts and interjects. 'Coffee, Minerva?'

'Yes, please.'

Butler turns to her companion, 'You too, Mr. -?'

'Steeves, Harold Steeves. And please.'

'Why don't you come into the kitchen with me?' Butler asks the other bodyguard.

'Sure,' says the amiable Harold.

As the two walk away, Minerva refocuses on Artemis. 'Who sleeps on the couch?' she asks.

'Pardon?' Artemis frowns at her.

'This suite only has two bedrooms.'

'Yes,' responds Artemis unhelpfully.

Minerva opens her mouth to reply but Harold and Butler choose that moment to return with the coffee.

'Harold,' Artemis eyes Minerva's latest bodyguard, wanting very much to change the subject. 'Judging by your accent, I'm going to say you're a native of Vancouver.'

'Close. I'm actually from Victoria. It's on Vancouver Island, just across the Juan de Fuca Strait there. Capital of the province, actually, though no one knows it.'

'Vancouver Island?' Butler repeats, frowning.

'Yeah. There's Van Isle and Van City. It's okay, no one but the locals can keep them straight.'

'How confusing,' Butler shakes his head.

'We try,' Harold smiles.

Minerva is neither impressed nor fooled by the change of subject.