Okay, the first paragraph is a cheap gag. So sue me.

And, also, I forgot to delete a sentence last chapter where Artemis says he hasn't mentioned his father's attempts at sex ed. to Holly. Oops. Not only do I abuse my beta's research skills, I forget to do as I'm told. So thank you!! to the ever patient ilex-ferox.

Chapter Seventeen: Patience

The first day passes quietly - Holly clearly missed Minerva and Harold in the hall because, though returning from her run only a few minutes after their departure, she arrives in high spirits. The lecture Artemis attends goes well, Holly is enchanted by their surroundings, and her enthusiasm makes Butler smile. Minerva, though seen occasionally in the distance, goes unnoticed by Holly and tranquility reigns.

I could get used to this, Butler thinks to himself that night, watching Holly and Artemis peaceably – for them – play rummy. No screaming, no punching, no snotty remarks, no broken hearts. Bliss.

'What?! Don't even think about it, Mud Boy. You slimy little cheat!'

Ah, spoke too soon.

The next morning sees them on their way to Harold's Vancouver Island. Having decided that twenty-one hours by car from Vancouver to Prince Rupert is not for them, they're driving the length of the island and taking the ferry from Port Hardy to Prince Rupert, and then from Prince Rupert to Skidegate in the Queen Charlotte Islands. During a lunch break outside Campbell River, Butler frowns at the map in his hands. 'If I had known it was going to be this difficult, I would've thought twice before agreeing to visit her,' he mutters to himself.

Artemis perks up considerably. 'There's still time to turn back. I hear Victoria's a charming little city.'

'What a quitter,' Holly shakes her head in mock dismay.

'What a pragmatist is what, I believe, you're trying to say,' Artemis corrects her.

A day later, however, when they finally arrive at their cabin in Naikoon Park, Artemis grudgingly admits that the scenery might just have been worth the trip.

'But only just,' he repeats. Holly is too busy with sensory overload to retort.

At dinner that night, Butler asks, 'I don't suppose you two would want to come along to visit Madame Ko with me? The island is apparently quite attractive, and they're the only ones on it, so there won't even be other tourists to hassle you.'

Holly's eyes get very big.

Artemis sighs. Endless sitting in a car with one's legs cramped. Perpetual ferry trips with loud children and recycled air. And now a trip in a dinghy out to the middle of nowhere, who knows how many hours there and back, getting buffeted by that awful sticky-salty ocean air? Will it never end?

'Well, we've come this far,' he says resignedly.

Holly's smile gets very big.

The boat ride is all Artemis feared it would be.

After all, neither the Queen Charlotte Islands nor Madame Ko's academy are known for their luxury. When they finally land, he eyes the greying wood of the dock with deep misgivings. But, despite his fears, they make it across the dock and onto dry land (drier land, he thinks, frowning up at the constant drizzle) without anyone falling through rotten planking.

Waiting for them on this dry land, at the foot of a dirt path leading inland, is a frail, positively ancient, Japanese woman.

'You came down yourself, Sensei?' Butler asks with evident astonishment.

The old woman nods. 'I have heard stories about someone replacing you. I was curious. And it has been a long time since I last saw you, young man.'

Holly and Artemis share a sceptical look. Young man?

Madame Ko approaches the heterochromatic pair, eyeing them thoughtfully. 'This is what is replacing you?' she asks Butler after a moment, pointing to Holly with her chin.

Uh oh, thinks Butler.

"This"? thinks Holly, her eyes narrowing.

'Holly's perfectly competent – ' Butler begins.

In one sudden movement, Madam Ko spins Holly around, trapping the younger woman's arms to her evidently not-so-frail body.

'Hey! What do you think you're – ouch! Would you watch it with the nails?' Holly splutters, as Madame Ko yanks down the collar of her anorak and paws her shoulder blades.

Artemis blinks. It's an expression of extreme shock, coming from him.

Butler closes his eyes briefly.

As the older woman pinches her bare skin, Holly takes advantage of her distraction and tears herself out of the other's grip. Only to find herself inexplicably and instantaneously pinned to muddy ground, arms held fast behind her.

'Get the hell off me, you lunatic,' she spits over her shoulder.

'Hold still, girl,' kneeling on Holly's back, Madame Ko simply tsks and swats her shoulder, as though she were a misbehaving child. Turning to Butler, she asks, 'Where is her blue diamond?'

'She hasn't got one, Sensei. You know she hasn't got one. There's no need to humiliate her.'

'A little humiliation is good for the character. Especially when one works for the Fowls.'

Calmly stepping off Holly, Madame Ko dusts off her trousers.

'At least we agree about something,' Holly mutters darkly as she rises, glaring furiously at Butler's teacher. She doesn't, however, get the chance to vent her anger verbally, as Madame continues talking.

'So what, then, is the point of having her?'

Holly's mouth drops open.

'You may as well get the boy a German Shepherd, or a Rottweiler maybe, at least they look dangerous.'

Holly crosses her arms and fumes.

'One would have thought that since you have become so attached to your principal, which we will speak about later, you would have had the sense to find him a proper replacement for you. There were several students of mine ready for the position, as you well know.'

Butler sighs. 'Yes, Sensei, I know. But I barely managed to convince Artemis to replace me at all. If Holly hadn't taken the job he would never have accepted a new bodyguard.'

Madame Ko throws up her hands. 'Oh, excellent. You hired her because the principal thought she was pretty; that is wonderful. Just wonderful.'

Artemis grabs Holly's sleeve to keep her from attacking Madame Ko.

'No, Sensei, Holly's a good friend of ours. We've worked together before. I owe her not only my own life, but Artemis' as well. Several times over.'

Madame Ko pauses. She turns back to Holly and gives the furious woman a long, considering look. 'Is that so?'

'Do you really think I'd hire her, if I didn't think she could do the job?'

'One never knows with bodyguards. Once they become emotionally involved, I have seen them make the most outrageous decisions.' She shakes her head sadly. 'What a waste. However, she is too slow. Also too small; if he were to fall over and break his leg, she would not be able to move him. And let us not even mention emotional involvement.'

'Yes, let's not,' Butler agrees fervently.

Madame Ko nods and, deciding enough is enough, reaches up, taking Butler by the elbow. 'Would you like some tea? That boat ride is terrible.'

'Tea would be lovely,' Butler says.

Madame Ko motions to Artemis and Holly. 'Well? Come along. Keep up.'

As she and Artemis follow in the wake of the odd couple before them, Holly whispers to him, 'Who is she to call someone short? She may be the only human shorter than me.'

Artemis decides it's safer to shrug and say nothing.

After an awkward cup of Gyokuro, Madame Ko and Butler head off to watch the latest crop of students take part in what had sounded to Holly like an inhuman obstacle course. Not much for gladiatorial entertainment, she and Artemis head out into the forest, along a path which Madame Ko marks down for them on a worn map; though not without Madame first passing several snide comments on Holly's ability to get Artemis through the forest unscathed. Holly takes it with remarkable stoicism. She's decided she doesn't care if Madame Ko runs the best training academy this side of Mars, the woman is not worth her energy; her pointed face simply closes up and ices over. Madame Ko is mildly impressed.

As they watch the other two disappear into the trees, Madame Ko turns to Butler, her dark eyes twinkling, and says, 'I think she will do an excellent job. Provided she becomes a little faster. Your sister is more talented, and much stronger, but she cannot control herself like this one.'

Butler isn't sure whether to be complimented, or insulted. He smiles and nods.

'Are you sure we couldn't have watched that obstacle course? It didn't sound too horrendous,' Artemis tries in vain to dissuade Holly from all this running and jumping.

She looks at him over her shoulder. 'Artemis. We've walked fifty feet. Even you can't be tired yet.'

Artemis' shoulders slump. 'The sacrifices I make for you,' he jokes, mock-dejectedly.

Holly stops and turns around to face him. Hands in her pockets, she tilts her head to one side and raises a solitary eyebrow.

Her silence slides through him like Abbott's sword through her ribs. Maybe sacrifices made aren't the best thing to bring up with her.

He opens his mouth to acknowledge his hypocrisy but can't find anything suitable to say. Apologies have never been his forte, after all. And this would require more self-abasement than he cares for. Instead, he lowers his eyes, looking down at his boots.

She grins, impressed that he actually feels bad. 'Suffering from a bit of a guilty conscience, are we, Fowl?'

'Only when you're around to impose it on me.'

She throws her head back and laughs. As she steps forward to kiss him, he thinks that, as guilty as his conscience may be, it's nowhere near enough to make him give her up. Not now.

In the beginning, he hadn't wanted to work on a cure, he will freely admit that; he had tried because he had known it was The Right Thing to Do. If she were to ask him now how things were going - which she never does - he would have no qualms in telling her that he has long since stopped even pretending to try. And Foaly, unusually for him, has taken the hint without comment. Artemis suspects Foaly's bug in the Manor's security cameras has given him ample evidence as to why. Does this make him a terrible person? He doesn't think so. Who could possibly give up what they most wanted, once it was given to them? Very few. I'm only human, after all, he thinks.

As she takes his hand, leading him down the narrow trail, he shrugs mentally. She's happy, isn't she? I will give her everything she will ever need or want. I can't give her back, but I can make her happy. Surely that has to count for something?

Oblivious to Artemis' internal dialogue, Holly is in seventh heaven. As they reach a dip in the path she stops, for the umpteenth time, and points ahead of them. 'Look at that tree, Artemis! It's huge. It must be at least a thousand years old.'

Artemis has to agree that it is, indeed, a very big tree. Why this means they have to stop and stand around, for goodness knows how long, he's not quite so sure.

'Think of it as an art exhibit, Artemis,' comes Holly's disembodied voice from behind the cedar. 'Think of this whole thing as one giant canvas. Look at the texture, the colour saturation. The detail, for Frond's sake.'

She appears on the other side of the tree. 'I mean, think about it - how does any human take themselves seriously in a world where they're nothing but short-lived specks? We'll never live a tenth of this tree's life.'

'But we'll get a lot more done.' He emphasizes the 'we' very slightly.

'Sometimes, I wish humans would get a lot less done.' Abruptly, Holly sits down on a nearby rock. 'I mean, all these trees, this place, it's beautiful. Have you ever seen anything more alive? And we're just going to come in and - and cut it all down for toilet paper. How do we do it? I don't understand. I don't understand that part of being human. It doesn't make any sense. And yet... I think I'm like you now. Just by existing up here I'm endangering the lives of these trees. Well, not these trees. I mean nature - the earth - in general. But I don't want to give it up. I want to stay human and see all these things all the time. There are nearly seven billion of us on the planet and really, the last thing the world needs is yet another human sucking up resources, but here I am, not caring that I'm only going to add to the problem, as long as it means I can stay up here and walk around in the forest from time to time. That... that's so messed up. That's so incredibly selfish.'

'That's what humans are.'

'Selfish?'

'Basically.'

'I think that stinks.'

'Fairies aren't entirely altruistic, either.'

'No. But the People could never harm something this beautiful, not even indirectly. If it kept the world unspoilt, the People would stay away.'

'Really? Are you absolutely positive, Holly? Positive that Sool, for instance, wouldn't have this tree removed if it were in his way ? Or Opal Koboi, or even Grub Kelp or Lili Frond? What about some average Joe-Fairy on the street? If they wanted something badly enough and this tree was, for some reason, in the way, wouldn't they do away with it?'

Holly swallows. 'I - I don't know. I don't... I want to say no, but... well, I mean, Opal doesn't really count, but...' She looks up at him, stricken. 'I don't know.'

'I think they would.' Cruel to be kind, or however that ridiculous saying goes. If she's to be happy as a human, she needs to let the People go.

'You don't know anything about the People!' She rises to glare at him.

He raises an eyebrow. 'Don't I? Haven't I read their Book? Haven't I seen them at their worst? A people is only as good as its weakest link. Give humans a few more centuries and perhaps we'll be as peaceable as the People. We do have quite a bit of social evolution to catch up on.'

Holly snorts. 'And pigs might.'

'Do you really think humans are that bad?'

She sighs, looking away into the trees. 'No,' she says at last. 'At least,' turning back to him, 'I really want to think we aren't. I am one of you now, after all.'

He tugs on her sleeve, 'Come on. Those ferns over there look particularly green, don't you think?'

She looks at him, then at the cedar tree, then back to him - in time to see the tail end of a frown slip off his face. He smiles winningly at her.

'Oh, Artemis,' she says. Simple pleasures, Juliet had said. She watches Artemis, standing uncertainly on the path, completely out of his element - wilderness and emotional women? - but trying to make things right - and she laughs. Joy whistles through her like a sudden wind, banishing all her regrets. At least he's trying.

'Yes,' she agrees, 'let's go look at those ferns.'

She steps off the path, pushing through the dense fronds to stand amidst the ferns. They are taller than she is, the tips arcing over her head. High above the canopy, the sun dips from behind the cloud cover and shafts of light cut through the trees. Holly takes Artemis by the cuff of his jacket and pulls him through the ferns, towards the sun.

Sifted through the gauze of countless spiderwebs and a tangle of tiny branches, the light has an eerie, pearly quality. It pours through the arms of the trees, bright-white and glaring, backlighting each blade of grass and leaf and twig. It's as though the sun has fallen to earth and lies nestled in the trees ahead.

Artemis puts a hand up to shield his eyes, and the light makes his skin blinding.

As suddenly as it arrived, the sun is gone again, falling back behind the clouds. They are plunged into gloom, green flooding back over the world. Holly and Artemis blink light spots out of their eyes.

Still half-blind, Artemis reaches for Holly before she can run ahead again. Might as well make the most of this silly hike.

'I told you the forest is pretty,' she murmurs into his collar.

'I suppose,' he admits, laughing and taking advantage of her still-recuperating vision to kiss her. He really couldn't care less about a bunch of trees, but if it makes her happy.

They turn back through the ferns, making their way through the forest until they reach the ocean. Following the rocky beach, they head toward Madame Ko's camp. Holly stops to play with washed up bull kelp and run her hands over the sea stars and poke the tiny sea anemones that crowd the bottom of the tide pools. She laughs like a child as their sticky tentacles close over her fingertips, wondering if she is edible. Artemis sighs, but waits as patiently as he is able.

Meanwhile, back on the mainland, Minerva is putting the finishing touches to her preparations.

The full moon is heavy in the sky, turning the meadow of dead grass to silver. Just next to the clearing, in a dark thicket of tree, trees Minerva reclines on a deck-chair, warm inside her fur-lined park parka and boots, sipping wine and waiting. She hasn't brought anyone with her; she knows how to shoot a gun. Unlike Artemis, she is entirely self-sufficient - when she wants to be.

She's been sitting in these trees for what feels like days, though it's only been a few hours. It is, however, her fourth full moon. Maybe Canadian fairies will be easier to catch than Irish ones?

During her many stakeouts, she sips her wines and researches her prey. Holly is an elf, so Minerva needs elfin blood. Not to be confused with demon, goblin, pixie, sprite, gnome, dryad, naiad or dwarf. Minerva is fairly confident that she can tell the difference now, despite admittedly vague and contradictory descriptions; after all, she has seen Holly in the original edition.

And, as fate would have it, tonight is her lucky night. At 1:47 a.m., precisely, out of the sky swoops a thin figure, landing gracefully at the base of a Garry Oak. Setting aside her delicate wine glass, Minerva readies her rifle. She's been practicing her marksmanship. She can shoot the creature from here.

Tammi Linden carefully unhooks her father's prize pair of Koboi Doubledex wings – they're a discontinued line, after all – and squats on the ground, searching through the wet leaves for an acorn. She wrinkles her nose at the thought of what all this dirt is doing to her new gloves. Just as her fingers close around an acorn, she suddenly finds herself whirling through the air to land with a thump on her back. There's something in her shoulder and it hurts. She's sure it's torn a hole in her fake fur jacket. Also new, she might add.

'Elf?' comes a voice above and behind her.

'Yeah?' she replies fuzzily. Something is happening to her vision, it's all blurry. And Frond, is she tired. What in d'Arvit's name is going on?

Minerva eyes her captive. She has the same coffee complexion as Holly, if a little lighter, the same pointed ears and hooked nose. Her face is round, her eyes too close together and her mouth is long and droopy, but she is, without a doubt, the same species. The girl sighs. Artemis catches the love of his life and she gets this idiot? Some rich girl out on a thrill ride, by the looks of her fancy clothes. Apparently the nouveaux riches have no taste no matter what the species.

Might as well make sure, however. Crouching low beside the creature's ear, Minerva asks, 'Are you an elf, fairy?'

'Well, duh,' her speech is slurred and slow, 'what does... it... look like I ammmm...?' Her head falls to the side and she begins to snore gently.

Sighing quietly, Minerva sets to work. Pushing up the sleeve of the ridiculous purple fur jacket the elf is wearing, she relieves the fairy of nearly half a pint of blood; the magic will restore what she's lost, after all. Packing up her things, Minerva pats the unconscious elf on the cheek and heads back to collapse her deck-chair.

Forty-five minutes later, Minerva is flying back to Vancouver in the helicopter she'd landed in the next field over, and Tammi is just waking up.

'Frond,' the elf sits up groggily, clutching her head, 'what's going on, eh? Where am I? I fell asleep above ground? D'Arvit, that's so the last time I toke up before flying. Gods, what if some gross Mud Creature saw me? Ew. Oh great, and now my jacket's filthy. Just fabulous. Where's an acorn, for Frond's sake? I am so outta here.'

The morning after their return to the comforts of the Royal Suite, Minerva knocks once more on their door. Butler lets her in with a smile, which she returns, beaming up at him. In a show of girlish enthusiasm, she wraps her arms around his neck and kisses his cheek. Butler pats her hair.

It reminds him of her visits to the cottage. Sometimes, if she'd had a particularly successful day, she would fly in, throwing her arms around him and babbling away before he even got the door closed. In that way, she is a more gratifying companion than Artemis. Every parent or guardian wishes to be needed or, more specifically, wanted by their child. To be privy to her joys and successes was to be invited into her world - a world to which he, by rights, should have no access. When Artemis was a child, no one was invited in. If you saw anything, you saw it by accident. You were a voyeur, and you knew it.

Even more rewarding is that Minerva is hardly that demonstrative with anyone else. It pleases Butler enormously knowing that she cares for him enough to let herself go.

'What impeccable timing,' Butler comments. 'Holly's out on her run again.'

'Really? What a surprise.' Minerva answers with wide-eyed innocence, as though she hadn't timed this visit to coincide precisely with when Holly had been out running last time.

'I'm sure,' Butler replies with a chuckle, not fooled at all. 'No Harold today?'

'No, I left him in the café downstairs. I wanted to visit you all alone.'

'Me? Or Artemis?'

'Both of you,' Minerva replies without missing a beat. 'But, is Artemis home?'

'Yes,' Butler laughs, 'he's in the sitting room, just go through, I'll put the kettle on.'

'Thank you, Butler.'

Artemis is reading on the loveseat when she enters. Without being asked, she sits down beside him.

'Hello,' he says, looking up from If Not, Winter.

'Hello. It's good?' She nods towards his book.

'Yes, it's a very... lyrical translation.'

'How charming. And speaking of things which are charming, did you see the full moon yesterday night?'

'No,' Artemis replies. 'Was it full? I hadn't realised. We were on the ferry.'

'Ah, yes, that's a pity. It was very beautiful.'

'I didn't realise you were such an appreciator of nature.'

'There are a lot of things you don't realise about me, Artemis Fowl.'

He raises an eyebrow.

She continues. 'Have you found a cure for that little problem of Holly's yet?'

He frowns. 'No, why do you ask?'

'Well, you must admit, it is very interesting as a puzzle.'

'Yes, it is.'

'Have you never thought of replicating her transformation? With other species?'

'No, that seems rather macabre to me.'

'Macabre? Are you playing at being a good boy, Artemis? It doesn't go suit you. Good people have no imagination.' Her lip curls.

'I'm not playing at anything, but thank you for your concern.'

His calm infuriates her. 'Play all you want, Artemis, it doesn't matter; you'll never be good enough for her. I mean to say in a moral sense, not in general.'

'I'm afraid I don't follow,' Artemis replies.

'Yes, you do. You'll never be good enough for Holly. For what she believes she deserves. Someday, someone will find a cure, and she will go. Do you really think that you are enough to keep her above ground, away from her people? Away from her magic?'

'You have no idea what you're talking about,' Artemis' voice is cold.

Minerva grimaces. 'Artemis, écoute-moi, she will leave you. Maybe not now, maybe not for another ten years, but she will. She will never understand you. You are a criminal, she's a policewoman. You're brilliant, she's normal –'

'Normal is hardly a word I would associate with –'

'I mean her IQ. She's not a genius. She'll break your heart, Artemis. Why don't you believe me?'

'Perhaps because it seems a bit convenient for you.'

The girl pauses, sighing. 'Yes, yes it is. But that doesn't make it any less true. For once, I really am trying to help you. Don't push me away, Artemis. You and I, we're the same.' And, because for once Minerva actually believes what she's saying, her words come out with unusual passion. Though she has a sinking feeling that she has lost already, before she has even begun.

Artemis looks at the beautiful girl before him. He is incredibly lucky, he reflects, to have his pick of two extraordinary women, when he is nothing but a scrawny, cold-hearted criminal. She is right too – she and he are very similar. Somewhere deep in his mind he realises that, had he not woken up one morning at the age of ten and decided to kidnap a fairy, Minerva would have been the woman he married. If he married at all, that is. However, he had woken up one morning at the age of ten...

'I'm sorry, Minerva, there is nothing you can say that can change my mind.'

'You're being an idiot,' she says bluntly, her eyes suspiciously bright.

He laughs without humour. 'There's a first time for everything.'