When Duty Isn't Enough: Interlude
Author: Firebird
Rating: T
Disclaimer: Neither Hot Fuzz nor its characters, settings etc. are mine. Original characters are, as the name would imply, original and belong to me.
Author's note: I wasn't sure what the law on cannabis was in the UK (heck, I'm not entirely sure what it is in New Zealand), but it appears from the Home Office website that it was reclassified as a Class B drug in January 2009. Although that's slightly outside the timeline of this fic, I decided to work with current law rather than potentially misinform people. I never envisaged Lily's parents as being career criminals, just as having a rather more relaxed approach to the law than Nicholas does (think a bit of pot, the odd job paid under the table, that kind of thing). Lily, obviously, knows or suspects all this, but it's hard to bring out in dialogue, as she wouldn't mention it to Nick.
**
Meeting the Parents: Hers
"Hey, Nick?" Lily asked, as she dropped herself down on the sofa and deposited her feet in his lap.
"Yeah?" He turned his head slightly to look at her, rubbing her soles absently with his thumbs.
"You remember how your parents came to visit a few weeks ago?"
He winced and nodded. "Yes." It would take many years, ideally involving a great deal of therapy, or possibly total amnesia, before he forgot the debacle which had been that particular weekend.
"Well, my parents are driving down next Thursday."
"The middle of the week?"
She shrugged. "Sure, why not? They mostly do seasonal work, and it's the off-season for just about everything at the moment."
Nick had forgotten that. Of course her parents would not necessarily need to wait for a weekend. Now that their children had all flown the nest they lived a semi-nomadic life, moving between Britain and the Continent as they followed a trail of seasonal work from beach-resorts to fruit-picking to ski-resorts and back again, with a host of other jobs on the side. Be it office work, construction, pulling pints, or any one of a hundred occupations, both Lily's parents seemed to be Jacks-of-all-trades, which perhaps explained their middle daughter's willingness to take on renovating an entire cottage virtually single-handedly.
"How long are they planning on staying?"
"Probably only a few days. They're supposed to be meeting friends down in Cornwall, so they can't stay long."
"Should I be worried?"
"Possibly. To be honest, they're not too thrilled that I'm dating a police officer."
"Ah."
"Yeah. So just stay calm, take a lot of deep breaths, and try to resist the urge to arrest them."
Nick couldn't help but feel a twinge of concern at that last. "Is there some reason in particular why I might feel the need to take them into custody?"
"Oh God, I hope not," Lily muttered, as much to herself as to him.
**
Apart from repeating her request that he not arrest her family members – and Nick was beginning to wonder why exactly that might concern her so much – Lily appeared much calmer than he had been in the days leading up to her parents' arrival. A pile of linen appeared in the living-room in preparation for making up the sofa-bed, and she picked up some extra food at the supermarket, but other than that her life seemed to continue more or less as usual. As Nick had done for his parents, she was planning on cooking them all a meal at her house on the night of their arrival, but she had assured Nick that he didn't need to make any special arrangements or leave work early. "Just turn up whenever," she assured him, "and bring beer."
Nevertheless, he made sure to leave work at a reasonable hour on Thursday evening, and arrived at her cottage just after six. A battered white Volkswagen was parked alongside the Fiat, and the lights were shining through a crack in the curtains. He tried the door and, to his surprise – and immediate suspicion – found it locked.
"Lily?" he called, knocking sharply.
"Just a minute!"
A pungent and familiar aroma reached him as soon as she opened the door, and the guilty look on her face confirmed his suspicions.
"Lily, why can I smell cannabis?"
She ducked her head, refusing to meet his eye. "If I told you it was mine, would you arrest me?"
"No, because I'd know you were lying to cover for someone else. In this case, presumably your parents."
She sighed. "Just my dad."
His lips thinned, and he took a determined step towards the living-room, but she caught his arm. "Just leave it, Nick?" she begged. "It's taken care of."
"Lily, I can't 'just leave it'. Cannabis is a Class B drug, and possession is a criminal offense."
"Yes, well, he's no longer in possession."
He folded his arms, seething. Her requests that he resist the urge to arrest her parents now made perfect sense, but she was placing him in a difficult position, made even worse by the fact that, at the rate she was going, he might very well end up having to arrest her, too. "What do you mean by that?"
Maybe it was his expression, or perhaps she was a bit more familiar with the way these things worked than she had ever let on, but she had plainly realised that admitting to exactly what she had done with her father's stash would not be a good move. "Never mind. Suffice to say it's sorted and it won't be happening again." She didn't add 'I hope', but he could read it in her eyes anyway. He caught her chin with his fingers, examining her closely for any sign that she might have been partaking of the drug in question.
"Well, at least you're clean," he acknowledged grudgingly.
She pushed his hand away irritably. "Of course I'm bloody clean. Now, would you please let it go and come meet my parents."
He drew a deep breath. "I can't 'let it go', Lily," he repeated, and saw her set her jaw. He thought he caught a glint of tears in her eyes, and suddenly wondered whether it was anger that was stiffening her expression, or something else. He sighed and continued more gently. "The possession of cannabis is a criminal offense. But, since I have your assurance that your father is apparently no longer in possession, and since to the best of my knowledge this is a first offense, in this instance I see no reason why I shouldn't let him off with a warning."
Her shoulders slumped with relief, and he realised just how anxious she had been. "Thank you."
He shook his head. Technically, he was well within police guidelines to give an official warning rather than make an arrest, especially as he was fairly certain that Lily would indeed have disposed of her father's entire stash, but he was less than pleased that her parents had put her, and by extension him, in that position. He would have bet good money that it was deliberate, and disapproved thoroughly of the idea that Lily's father would play such games with his own daughter.
If her parents had overheard the whispered conversation in the hallway they gave no sign of it as he entered the living-room. Both were sitting on the sofa enjoying a bottle of beer. Her father looked slightly buzzed, but either he had finished his joint a while ago or Lily had cut him off when he'd barely started, because he certainly wasn't stoned.
"You must be Nick." Lily's mother was an older and slightly more tanned version of her daughter. She rose and stepped forward, hugging him and kissing his cheek.
"Mrs. Birch." He hugged her back awkwardly. He had never been comfortable with that particular social convention.
"Alison, please."
"Alison. Mr. Birch, may I have a word with you outside?"
"Sure." The older man heaved himself up and offered his hand. "Steve," he said. "Good to meet you at last."
"Yes, well. Shall we?"
They left the two women in the living-room, and Nick led the way to the kitchen.
"There a problem, Nick?"
He turned to face his girlfriend's father. How could the man be so casual, he wondered? Was he truly that unaware of the situation in which he had placed both Nicholas, as Inspector of the Sandford Police, and his own daughter?
"Mr. Birch, are you aware that cannabis is classified as a Class B drug within the United Kingdom, and that the possession of even small amounts is a criminal offense, for which you can be liable for a fine of up to eighty pounds, or a custodial sentence of up to five years in prison?"
"Uh..."
"Are you further aware that, by bringing cannabis into your daughter's house, you have potentially made her an accessory to your own offense, placing her at risk of similar penalties?"
"Uh, listen..."
"Or that, as a police officer, I cannot allow my personal relationship with your daughter, or her relationship to you, to affect my judgement and actions in this matter?"
"Look, mate..."
Steve trailed off, but this time Nick did not immediately continue speaking. Instead he folded his arms, pasted his patented policeman's glare full-force on his face, and allowed his words to sink in. Steve wilted under the weight of it. Once it seemed clear that he appreciated the magnitude of his actions Nick continued in a fractionally less icy tone, moving roughly from Antarctica to Siberia.
"My personal suspicion is that you were aware of this, and that by smoking cannabis in your daughter's house you were in some way testing her boundaries and, more importantly, mine. Well, so that you know where they lie: Lily assures me that she has confiscated and disposed of your supply, which I must point out makes her an accessory after the fact. In this instance – and, I must stress, in this instance only – I am going to let you off with an official warning. Should you choose to bring a further supply of cannabis into this house or, indeed, into my village, I can and will place you under arrest and see that you face the full weight of the law. Do we understand one another?"
"Oh, for- yes, we understand one another."
**
The mountains of awkwardness which Nick had faced during his own parents' visit seemed as foothills beside the Everest of discomfort with which he and Lily sat down to the meal with hers. To be fair, Steve seemed willing to forgive and forget when it came to the official warning, which lent credence to Nick's theory that he had, indeed, been testing the boundaries, but that quickly became cold comfort.
"So, Nick," Alison Birch asked brightly, "have you managed to convince my daughter to give up her ridiculous vow of celibacy yet?"
Nick choked slightly on his lasagne, feeling his cheeks redden. "Actually, I respect Lily's decision, and the commitment to her beliefs which led her to make it."
"Are you planning on marrying my daughter?" Steve asked.
Lily appeared mortified. "Da-ad!" she protested helplessly.
"To be honest, we haven't really discussed it."
Her father smiled at her. "Sweetheart, all we're saying is, you wouldn't buy a car without taking it for a test drive, and you shouldn't be considering marriage-"
"If you haven't at least taken him for a spin," his wife finished for him.
"Mother!" Lily sunk her head into her hands.
"Would you excuse me for just a moment?" Nick left the table and sought the sanctuary of the hallway. He shut the door behind him and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. They were unbelievable. Angel the cat wandered over and sniffed around his ankles hopefully. From the dining room he could still hear the conversation, muted slightly by the door.
"You're being ridiculous, Lily," Alison continued relentlessly. "I mean, have you seen that arse? On a man in uniform, no less. How can you turn that down? And he seems very... forceful."
At this rate, Nick thought, they would be able to cook tomorrow night's dinner on his cheeks. He could now see why his girlfriend, whom he would class as fairly moderate, maintained that her family viewed her as some form of arch-conservative class traitor.
"Hmm, that worries me a bit," her father added. "You know why he wanted to talk to me tonight? The pot. He had the nerve to tell me that if he caught me with marijuana again he'd arrest me."
"You're lucky he let you off with a warning. If I hadn't flushed-" she broke off. "You're listening from the hallway, aren't you Nick?" she called suddenly. He remained silent. It might be true that eavesdroppers seldom heard anything to their own benefit, but he just couldn't face walking back in there just yet.
"Well, all I'm saying is, do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who's that black and white about things? Your mother and I worked hard to teach you to think for yourselves and see every side of an issue."
"No, you taught us that 'if it feels right, it probably is right', which in my experience isn't always the greatest frame of reference for making important life decisions. Nick has a strong sense of right and wrong, and you know what? I like that. I admire it. Yes, it might make him a bit difficult to live with sometimes, but at least I always know where I stand, and, more importantly, where he stands. Even if it is in the hallway." As she finished speaking, her voice seemed to be drawing closer, and he had only a second's warning before the door opened next to him. "You can't just leave me alone with them while you skulk out here," she hissed, "now get back in here and make polite conversation."
If nothing else, he had to admit that her parents were a lot more interesting than his.