The Cynical Soldier

Chapter Four Issue 2;

Sheppard showered and changed. As he neared the bed he lifted the parchment and stood looking at it for a while. He crawled into bed and sat looking down at the image of Rodney McKay. He felt foolish, or at least he would of if he didn't know that Ronon and Teyla had taken one as well.

Sheppard put the parchment on his bedside cabinet as he squirreled down under the bedclothes, turning off the lights. As every night before, here in his quarters with no distractions, his thoughts turned to the death of Rodney McKay.

The guilt was still there, weaving under and around his brittle emotions, ever present. It was more potent than before because now he knew he had left a man behind, had left McKay to face the enemy with no friend at his back. He knows McKay, how resourceful he can be and the thought that's killing him the most is that he can't help but wonder how long McKay held out before he realised they weren't coming back for him.

He had thought that the pain had been replaced by anger so the tears in his eyes surprised him, even if they remained unshed. He closed his eyes against the futility of torturing himself with these thoughts. His eyes flicked open wide, breath catching in his throat. He had forgotten for an instant that he can't close his eyes until sleep takes him, can't bear to hear McKay's dying screams for a second longer than he has too. Lie or not, the pain McKay felt must have been very real. They hurt McKay and they hurt his team and they will have to pay for that.

He has gone over the last mission a hundred times and more, always finding himself lacking. Now, with new eyes he relives it again but this time he is looking for the answers of how they did it, how they took McKay from right in front of him.

He lies with his eyes open because somehow it's easier not to hear McKay scream when his eyes are open. In the half shadows of his room as the moonlight cascades through the open balcony door, he stares at the ceiling and remembers.

They emerged through the gate. McKay had pulled his scanner out before the stargate had even closed. He started walking away.

"McKay," Sheppard admonished.

McKay jerked into focus. "What? Oh, no life signs, power source that way." He pointed the way he was heading across a plain of tall yellow and orange grass that angled up to meet a pale blue sky, home to the odd lazy cloud. Sheppard shook his head and looked behind him to find Teyla suppressing an indulgent smirk and Ronon well, being Ronon.

"Ronon, take our six. Teyla take point. I'll take the great white hunter." He turned and jogged with Teyla up to McKay, stopping as she continued past to take point four or five paces ahead.

There was no breeze so they would see anything moving through the grass. There was a gentle sound of crickets that made him feel better. Silent planets made him edgy, always made him think 'deathly quiet' which always made him nervous.

McKay, oblivious to being surrounded, glanced at him and began telling him about the energy signature. He engaged 'Field Filter' which meant he immediately discarded the words from his memory as soon as McKay uttered them, intending to retain anything important just as soon as McKay got around to saying it. He ran his hand through the grass as he walked, fingertips skimming through the tips of the grasses, the other resting on his P90.

They reached a ridge where the ground swept gradually down and away, rising again to match the level of ground they stood on. It had probably been a wide and deep river bed at some point but it must have been eons ago because somebody had built in the middle of it.

From their height advantage they could see it consisted of a central octagon chamber with four smaller identical rooms at each corner. Each octagon chamber had a yellow glass dome that had been damaged in places.

"Huh?" McKay paused long enough to utter this non-descriptive before he proceeded down the gradual slope. The rest of the team took up their usual positions around him.

The entrance was built into the flat wall at their end, between two of the smaller octagons. They made their way to the double doors, walking past where Teyla stood looking up at the wall and closed doors, no doubt assessing how to enter. As he and McKay approached the doors opened. He put a hand on McKay's bicep, halting him, as he shook his head.

"Colonel," McKay whined.

"Rodney," he whispered, mimicking the whine exactly.

McKay's beleaguered sigh, along with the crossed arms and sulky death glare, told him McKay would wait for the all clear. He glanced behind him and nodded to Ronon who nodded back before turning and scanning their surroundings.

He advanced with Teyla into the building, with P90's raised and ready. The dome flooded light into the centre of the chamber, leaving the pale blue walls in light shadows. The light that fell was stained bright yellow from the coloured glass of the dome, with the shattered panes causing beams to land randomly across the dusty floor.

They swept their gun lights into the dark recesses of the room, sweeping up and over the walls. Double doors were visible on the four angled walls. No doubt leading to the smaller octagon extensions they had seen from the outside. All four doors were closed.

"We clear each room one at a time, McKay keep watch on the closed doors as we go," he nodded to Teyla and together they moved to the door nearest him, the first on the left as they entered.

Initially surprised the doors didn't open automatically on his approach like the main entrance; he spotted the door mechanism and activated it. The room was empty with just the remnants of seating that probably used to run the whole circumference of the room which was now in the same state of disarray as the central chamber. They scanned the empty walls and retreated. He shook his head at McKay's questioning expressions before moving onto the second room with Teyla, towards the rear.

This room was also in disarray but instead of the seating there was a single cage facing the door, still sturdy. There was nothing else in the room. Cages made him nervous and they searched this room a lot more thoroughly, taking their time, but found nothing.

A lot more cautiously they moved across the main chamber to room number three. This room had consoles against the three walls on the left, leaving the remaining walls bare. Dust lay heavy over everything, dust motes drifting easily in the clear white beams that dotted randomly over the consoles and floor. However, the damage in this room was visually minimal compared to the others.

As they moved back into the main chamber they found McKay next to them, passing to enter the third room. Sheppard put a restraining hand on McKay's bicep. "Still one more room to go McKay, head back to the door."

"But…" McKay started, one arm starting to raise the life signs detector and the other starting to point toward the room.

Sheppard cut short the rant by interrupting, "I don't care what the life signs detector says. I don't want to have to fight something while having to come back here to get you and then through them to get you out again. Will you just wait by the door," keeping his voice low, but failing to keep the exasperation out of it. He took a restraining breath, "It wont be long, Rodney, just to be on the safe side."

McKay's mouth fell into a thin line but he did go back to the main entrance as Sheppard moved with Teyla to the last room. It was identical to the first one, with remnants of seating around the walls and nothing dangerous and a small petty part of him was disappointed, just as he was sure a large petty part of McKay was pleased.

"Looks like your prize is behind door number three," Sheppard said, sweeping an arm out to the third room but McKay was already halfway across the chamber. He turned to Teyla, "You and Ronon do a sweep of the outside. I'll stay here with McKay." Teyla nodded with a smile as she left.

He glanced between the two seating rooms and back to the cage room. A prisoner, maybe the two rooms were for and against, like a court room, but he didn't see how the third console room came into it so maybe not. It looked like he would have to wait for McKay to figure it out. He walked into the console room, "So, what we got then?" he asked McKay.

"I can tell you what we haven't got," McKay said, disappointment clear in his voice as he unpacked his laptop. "Monitors, none of these screens work." He connected the laptop to the console. His fingers flew across the keyboard, his mumblings turned frustrated.

"McKay?" Sheppard queried.

"The database is encrypted. It's going to take a while to decipher. It's not that big so I'm gonna download it and look at it back on Atlantis. If it pinpoints the power source or details anything interesting we can come back. It shouldn't take long to download." He pressed a couple of keys and then straightened, sliding a power bar out of his tac vest and started eating. He was looking at the wall in front of him in a quizzical manner.

"You can't find the power source?" Sheppard queried, knowing it was generally the first thing he sort out.

"Hmmm?" Rodney asked as he turned to him, as if surprised he wasn't alone. "Er, no. Either this place is run on a generator of some sort or the power source is shielded but it doesn't look as if it would need a great deal of power to run so don't get your hopes up. All I can tell is that there is a power source of some sort here, which the doors opening would have told me anyway. We will just have to wait until we return to Atlantis, Colonel. About twenty minutes," a beaming smile appeared on McKay's face, "On the bright side, we will be back in time for lunch." McKay turned back to the wall in front of him and the beaming smile morphed into one of confusion as he angled his head.

He shook his head at McKay's antics. He couldn't decide if McKay was figuring out some mathematical equation or deciding which dessert to have at lunch. He heard footsteps and turning back into the main chamber he saw Teyla and Ronon. He met them halfway in the middle of the chamber, using his facial expressions to ask if they found anything.

"Nothing, Colonel," Teyla said softly, "not even an animal has passed this way in a very long time."

"These measurements are all wrong," McKay's voice drifted out of the third room and they all turned to see him walking back into the main chamber looking at the walls intently.

Trust McKay to be moaning that some long dead builder had got it wrong, who knew there was a perfect octagon measurement. He shook his head with a smile, turning again as Ronon spoke. "There was a building on the back wall, but we couldn't find an entrance."

Sheppard nodded, "Okay, McKay's downloading the database and will probably want to look before we leave. Apparently, we will be back in time for lunch," he added. Telya smiled knowingly at him and Ronon gave the same beaming smile that McKay just had.

"Aha," the strident tones of McKay rang out, drenched in smugness.

He turned, just in time to see McKay walking through the wall, which he now realised, was a hologram, similar to the wraith cave that Teyla had led them to that time.

"McKay!" Sheppard growled as he stomped towards the wall. Damn that man, he was going to kill him. He was going to sit him down and have the 'possible dangers' chat yet again and then he was going to kill him.

He stopped dead in his tracks as the wall became transparent, showing McKay in an oblong room with white lights for walls and ceiling but with a tarnished metal grating for a floor. McKay was pushing against the invisible wall, so the hologram was obviously only one way. A rumble started from the depths of the ground. McKay locked eyes with him as he uttered quietly, "Oh, that's not good," the worry evident in his voice.

"McKay?" Sheppard queried softly, the uneasiness clear. McKay broke eye contact and started hurling himself against the invisible wall between them. They could see his shirt flatten against it, could hear the muffled thud as he hit it. He stopped, panting hard, looking at them with his blue eyes wide in fear.

Sheppard took his hand gun from his holster and shot to the left of McKay. The bullet raced through the air with four sets of eyes following it. As it hit the hologram it slowed velocity as if moving through jello, by the time it had reached the inner chamber all inertia had been lost and it fell uselessly to the floor.

Three sets of eyes turned to McKay who looked sadly at the bullet through the gratings floor before looking back at them and with a forlorn shrug, "Worth a try I guess." McKay took his own gun from the holster and taking a step back held the gun against the invisible wall at point blank range, squeezing his eyes shut and turning his head away he pulled the trigger. When he opened his eyes and looked he was as surprised as the others and stared as if transfixed at the bullet that hung in the empty air, contained in the force field.

Sheppard started walking towards McKay. "Don't worry. We'll get you out of there."

McKay shook his head silently, expression sad, "Not this time, John." The white light started to intensify and was suddenly blinding. Sheppard stopped as his eyes closed in reflex when the light assaulted his eyes and turned away. He heard McKay's painful breaths. "I don't know what to do… It's getting hotter, I can't think… It's starting to burn…John…" the words cut short as McKay began to scream in terror and pain.

Sheppard hollered out his name, "McKay!" the single word hurting his throat with the force of it and yet still lost in the sounds of McKay dying. He struggled to open his eyes as his body fought against him to protect his eyes from the light. He edged his way towards McKay, with his eyes scrunched shut and his face turned away from the light.

In an instant the scream stopped and the light disappeared. The suddenness of it making Sheppard freeze, feeling his heart stop only to restart to loud but painful stucco beat. His eyes flew open and he ran to the chamber. It was quiet and empty, at least empty of McKay.

The larger things that had been in his pockets and his gun were twisted together and here and there, caught in the twists were pieces of charred material. Small things glinted under the grating, semi hidden by the ash. Sheppard saw an eyelet that could have come from his boots. Then his blood ran cold as he saw the red flashing light and he recognised McKay's location beacon. Ice spread threw his body and his mind stuttered to a terrified halt.

Teyla and Ronon came to an abrupt stop next to him. The room was slowly blocked from view as the hologram solidified again into the wall. All three of them remained staring at it. He wanted to go through, wanted to search every crevice of that room for some clue that McKay survived but he couldn't risk the same thing happening again.

"It's transported him somewhere," Sheppard said, voice hard daring anyone to mention that being transported didn't usually make you scream like you were being skinned alive nor normally naked and bless them, no one did.

"Yes, yes of course. Where do you think he was transported to?" Teyla asked, distractedly laying a reverent hand on the wall.

"The database, we'll take the database back to Atlantis. It might have a location in it, if not we can bring Zelenka back here."

No one moved or took their eyes off the wall and really that should have told him that they already knew. Eventually Teyla spoke. "We should hurry… you know how he panics when he's alone." Her voice was thick with emotion and he struggled to ignore the tremor in her voice and merely nodded.

He went into the room number three, checking the download had finished before he unplugged the laptop. It took him longer than it should have because he couldn't seem to stop his hands from shaking. He walked back into the main chamber to see Ronon running his hand down the now solid wall with a marked reverence as if caressing something precious.

They made their way back to the gate in silence. Sheppard ignored the painful lump in his throat that hurt to swallow round, ignored the sting in his eyes and didn't even feel the tears running down his face. When they arrived back in Atlantis they were rushed to the infirmary and all treated for shock. They gave their reports from their hospital beds, another taking over when one of them couldn't find the words. Not one of them could say the final words and when Elizabeth asked, "Is Rodney dead?" Sheppard responded.

"No," Low and Sharp. Because if they didn't say it, because this was the Pegasus Galaxy and you never knew, because it just couldn't be and there was always a chance and because this was Rodney McKay and he was larger than life and just because. "No, we don't know what happened. We need Zelenka to look at the database and we need to go back and find him."

Even Teyla and Ronon who faced life's disappointments and heartaches face on did nothing to dissuade him and nodded in agreement. "We need to go back." Ronon said, unusually soft.

It turned out that Radek had managed to decipher the database before they were even released from the infirmary. It seemed they had stumbled across an alien version of death row. It was supposed to provide a quick death to criminals who couldn't be reconditioned by a race long since dead.

It seemed the force field was to keep the prisoner inside during the execution but as a safety measure all that was needed to cancel the procedure was for some one to stop it at one of the consoles in room number three, but without the monitors working and no-one there to read them even if they had, Rodney McKay had died during a procedure he had inadvertently started in motion by turning the machine on to download the database and then sealed his fate by stepping into the chamber.

In the half light of his quarters, John squeezed his eyes shut against the tears but had to open them again when his mind started to replay the screaming. He clenched his jaw against his emotions and swallowed around the painful thorns of sorrow in his throat. He pulled himself up slowly as if the weight on him was unbearable and swung his legs heavily over the side of the bed. He took a breath, hoping to steady his emotions, but it came out ragged and torn.

He clenched down his jaw again and tried to blink away the tears. He stood and walked unsteadily out onto the balcony. He slid down against the wall, looking out over the scene through blurred eyes. His arms pulled at his torso, trying to push against the pain that lay inside him.

As he reached the floor he pulled his knees in tight, using his toes to push against the floor to keep the pressure on. He looked out to the horizon, trying to find some semblance of peace in the calm waters around Atlantis, in the moonlight flooding the surface and the warm breeze that ruffled his hair.

His lips started to quiver and try as he might, he couldn't keep it back. They had just found out McKay was alive, he should be ecstatic but instead the mourning he had denied himself seemed to overflow and grow. He let his head fall forwards, his forehead hitting and resting against his knees. He closed his eyes but the tears still came, along with the screams of Rodney dying. He let it all out, unable to push the emotions away anymore.

He was left shaky and brittle but as his breathing evened out he realised that he felt stronger inside, a strength that he had faked over the last two months. McKay was alive and he was coming back to himself. He was in pain still and he wanted to return it so badly and now finally he could. The first priority was to get McKay back. The second priority was to hurt them, and make them realise how mistaken they were when they thought they could just take McKay.

I'm sorry Rodney. We know now. We're coming for you and this time we won't leave you behind. This time you're coming home, I promise. Whatever it takes, we won't lose you again.

Eventually sleep took him, though as usual the sleep was fitful, flowing from one nightmare to another that with any luck he would not remember come morning.

TBC.