The Cynical Soldier
Chapter 7 :
That phrase kept going round in his head. Pay penance for those who died. Something seemed to click with those words, a need that connected to the part his mind denied him.
Maybe he had asked for this. He looked at the man sat next to him. "I need time to think," he said. "I don't know if I should believe you or not and I need to put you somewhere safe so I can think things through."
"But…" Milton started.
McKay interrupted him immediately. "I'm sorry, but what part of that did you think was open to discussion." McKay dropped his voice so it had a hard edge. "I will put you somewhere you can't escape while I think things through. You show me to a room or we do a tour of this place, but we do it now and we do it in silence."
He felt Milton swallow thickly as he was removing his hand from around the man's neck, moving it to his bicep. He stood up, easily hauling Milton to his feet. Milton nodded and pointed to a door behind McKay. Rodney opened the door cautiously, keeping a tight hold on Milton as he did so. It was a bathroom with a small window. He looked an assessing eye over Milton's frame and glanced back at the window. He estimated it was safe and he ushered Milton into the room.
Milton walked to the middle of the room and turned to face McKay with a pale, nervous face. "Stay here, I'll bring you some bedding," McKay said as he closed the door. He pulled one of the chairs over and wedged it under the handle before searching the house for two sets of bedding. Returning to the main room, he left one set on the sofa. He removed the chair, pushing the bedding through with his foot before closing and securing the door again.
He lay on the sofa with his feet nearest the bathroom so he could watch the door. He pulled the blanket over him and squirmed into the pillow until he was comfortable. He lay staring at the ceiling thinking things through.
Things had clicked. He knew that phrase meant something to him, even if he couldn't remember what. Penance for their deaths, it touched somewhere deep inside,of that he was sure. Then there was the flash at the mention of 'team'. His heart had clenched painfully during that. He had to admit, judging by his reactions, there had been some truth in Milton's words. What bothered him was that if he reacted to those, why not his name?
He basically had two options. He could just leave and wait for the memories to resurface and, if Milton had told the truth, he could come back and try again, or he could go back to that place, the place that made him afraid. Maybe, they could reverse it and then he'd know and if he wanted to he could start again. The idea of wandering for however long until the memories returned, not even knowing his name, scares him. What if they never came back?
This was where the answers were, here and now. He would have to go back. He lay awake for a long time turning things over in his mind. Eventually he fell asleep and he dreamt. His dreams were snatches of colour, flashes of images, but when he woke he had a name.
"Ronon," he murmured. It meant nothing but he felt the name deep inside, like a talisman, making him feel safe and protected. "Ronon," he repeated to himself, rolling the sounds around his mouth, and he knew whatever the cost he had to know who he was. He rose and let Milton out of the bathroom and told him he was going back.
Today, one way or another, he would get his answers.
*************************
Teyla and Ronon joined Sheppard in the jumper. Ronon sat behind him, lounging back on the chair whilst Telya sat sideways in the co-pilot's seat, watching him perform the pre-flight checks.
Sheppard radioed Carson, telling him he had ten minutes to finish kitting his medical supplies and be at the jumper, his voice tight. He turned back to the controls, his efficient hands normally glided through the checks, but the negative thoughts moving through his mind made his heart clench and his body stutter. His hands twitching in response as his mind supplied Technicolor images of just how bad this mission could go.
The jumper was silent, charged with a nervous air, and he could feel Teyla watching him. Teyla raised her gaze from his hands to his face. "We won't fail him again."
Sheppard looked down at the console, pushing down the negative thoughts and the emotions they brought. He nodded decisively, "Whatever it takes," he said.
"Whatever it takes," Ronon and Teyla repeated.
Sheppard nodded again and tried to lose himself in the pre-checks, connecting to the jumper and tried not to think about returning to Atlantis alone.
Carson came bustling in and started stowing his supplies and then came to the forward section. He must have sensed something in the air and he looked at each of them before taking his seat. He clapped his hands together and said with false cheer, "Well, last chance to back out. You sure we want that loud, egotistical, sarcastic scientist back?"
Sheppard turned to him with a grin, "Yeah, we're sure. Zelenka just doesn't bite half as well," and if his eyes were a little bright and the smile a little brittle no one mentioned it.
Carson smiled wide. "What are we waiting for then? Let's go get our Rodney." The air changed from one of agitation to one of anticipation. Sheppard pushed the last few command buttons and then radioed Lorne and Stackhouse to check they were ready.
He started up the engines and flew into the Stargate room. He radioed Elizabeth. "Jumper one ready to depart."
"You have a go, John. Bring him back to us," she said softly, the gentle smile sounding in her voice.
"Will do," Sheppard said and he flew into the Stargate to exit on the other side, flying up and checking the sensors. "Atlantis, all clear. Send 'em through," he said into his radio.
"Acknowledged, Colonel, jumper four departing now," came Chuck's voice. Jumper four came through and immediately cloaked. The HUD detected it moving to the left of the Stargate as it landed.
"Jumper Eight departing now, Colonel. Good luck, Atlantis out," Chuck said.
"Acknowledged, Atlantis. Radio check in three hours," Sheppard said as he watched jumper eight appeared and cloaked. He disconnected from Atlantis and changed channels as he watched Lorne's jumper on the HUD as it fell into place beside him.
"You ready major?" Sheppard checked.
"Yes, Sir. Zelenka says he will have the ATA sensors up and running in ten minutes, sir."
"Good. Maintain radio silence unless you have results. Wait here till the program is up and running, you don't want to miss anything on your way in. Sheppard out."
"Sir," Lorne acknowledged.
Sheppard nodded to Teyla, took a deep breath and then swept towards the town that was visible on the horizon. They landed on the outskirts and entered on foot. They walked down a dusty road with bungalows down one side and trees on the other. No-one they saw even looked at them twice or stopped to greet them. "You'd think they'd have signs or someone to show you the way," Sheppard said curiously, looking around him as they walked.
"Maybe we're early," Carson suggested.
Sheppard was watching two men walking down the garden path but not really paying attention to them, "Was there a time on that leaflet?" he asked as he turned to Teyla. He watched her fishing inside her tac vest when he heard Carson in a soft breathless voice, "Bloody hell."
Both Teyla and he turned immediately to see Carson and Ronon stood still looking past them. They both turned round to follow their gaze. The two men were just stepping from the garden path onto the road. The one who closed the gate had his back to them and a hand placed on his friend's arm. As he clicked the gate shut he glanced over his shoulder at them. Sheppard just stood, stock still, watching Rodney walk away from him.
Time stood still. His mind was numb, eyes wide, breathing almost non-existent as if a sound could burst this bubble and take Rodney away again. In all his planning he hadn't realised how it would feel to see him alive again. Like hitting Mach for the first time, an assault on the body turning to pure joy as it replaced shock.
McKay stopped and straightened. The Epiphany stance, and it was all so shockingly familiar. "Rodney," he gasped, barely enough sound to make it past his lips as they morphed into a dopey grin, his eyes bright.
***********************
McKay glanced over his shoulder. He walked in front of Milton and round to his other side, turning Milton as he did so, so they were both facing the four strangers in the street. He felt joy, insurmountable joy at seeing these four strangers, but he had no idea why. He took a step forward, dragging Milton with him so they stood only four paces apart. He looked at the man in black. These people knew him. He could see Milton flicking glances between him and the four strangers.
Looking at them suspiciously, Rodney was about to say something when the large one with dreadlocks came forward with speed, his arms open wide but McKay wasn't taking any chances. He swept out the man's legs as he pulled the kitchen knife from where he had stowed it in his back. He slipped his hand from Milton's bicep to his wrist as he fell into a crouch, putting him in reach so he could place the knife and the man's throat. The man on the floor looked totally shocked.
The dark haired man, who had just been staring at him, dropped the goofy smile he had been wearing and suddenly took a step forward with his arms half raised. "No, wait." He looked down at the man on the floor. "Damn, Ronon, what did I say about sudden movements?"
The man on the floor still looked slightly confused. "It's McKay." He gave a small shrug as if the knife at his throat was a million miles away and not causing a dent in his skin.
"You don't want to do this. He's your friend. We're all your friends."
Rodney interrupted, looking down at the man, "Ronon? Your name is Ronon?"
The man looked confused and that bled into his voice, "Yeah, McKay."
Rodney realised. Not Ronon McKay. He was McKay. The name slotted into place. Rodney rose in a smooth fluid motion as he pivoted on his foot to face Milton. His hand moved from his wrist back to his bicep, bringing his other hand up to put the knife against the man's throat.
"You said my name was Tomas. Who am I?" his voice cold as ice and full of promise, eyes like lazers.
"I don't know. I swear, I don't know." Milton was pale and sweating, his voice pleading.
Rodney could feel Ronon rising behind him, but he didn't react to him, knowing instinctively that he wouldn't have to. The man in black appeared next to him. "You're Rodney McKay. Doctor Rodney McKay. This is not you, Rodney," as he indicated the knife, but smart enough not to reach for it, "not this. You're not a killer, Rodney."
All the answers he had been looking for all this time clambered to flood his mind and he shut them out, only fury got through, riding a wave of heat through his body. "I am now. I'm what they made me to be."
"He deserves it, but I can't let you do this. I can't let you become like me. Not in cold blood, Rodney. Please let me take the knife." Sheppard held his hand out open near the knife.
"Touch it and you'll die by it." McKay swore. "Two weeks of making my way back here after killing the six soldiers they sent to murder me and all I could think about was finding this man and finding out who I was. He told me my name was Tomas and I believed him," McKay said, the derision at himself for believing obvious in his voice as he jerked the knife forward slightly. A small drop of blood ran down the blade of the knife, some running off the edge to run down the man's neck into the collar of his shirt.
"I was gonna let him take me back to that place. If I hadn't seen you I'd be there now, no second chances…just pain…hurt." He took a stuttering breath, tears that remembered that pain mingled with the hard hate in his eyes.
"Rodney," Sheppard whispered his voice thick with emotion.
McKay shook his head violently, knife twitching in his hand. Milton Letts didn't move, eyes flicking between Rodney and John, the man who might kill him and the man who might save him.
"They would have confined my mind without a thought. I remember him," McKay's face distorting in hate as the knife steadied in his hand. "He hurt me without a care." He turned to John as he continued, anger burning in his eyes, in his words, "he didn't even notice me and still he…still he…." He thrust his chin out as he continued, "all the way here I swore I would find him and no-one would stand in my way, not even you."
He continued talking as he slowly looked back towards Milton, intending to finish this here and now, "Nothing will stand between me and this man's death."
There was a blur of colour and then suddenly bright red, flowing and turning dark. Milton collapsed as his knees buckled, leaning to the side, only McKay's grip on his arm kept him from falling to the ground. His screams muted by bubbling blood, gurgling from the mortal wound in his throat. Hands scrabbling to cover the wound, fingers slick and slipping in the blood as it raced from his body, taking life with it.
Rodney released his grip, letting Milton fall to the ground discarded as he spun, extending his arm to hold the knife at Ronon's throat, the muscles in his arm shaking with anger that suffused him. "I wanted to kill him, that was my right," he shouted in fury, spittle flying from his lips, eyes burning with a fire.
He saw Carson rush towards the fallen man, saw Sheppard's arm as it appeared in his peripheral vision to land on Carson's shoulder, halting his progress. He heard John's soft voice, "It's too late, Doc. He's already gone."
Rodney never took his eyes off Ronon, who stood impassive, knife hanging limp by his side as the blood slipped from it to fall into the ground. He was calm when he replied. "Sheppard was right. When you're back you'll hate yourself. Even though he deserved it, it won't sit right in here," he tapped his heart, "for you, like it does for me."
Quieter and without the heat, he said softly but sternly, "It was my right."
Ronon nodded and watched him silently. Sheppard's voice was soft behind him. "We came to take you home, Rodney. Why don't you put the knife down and we can go home." He suddenly raised his hand to his ear, "Yes, he's with us now. Get Stackhouse to radio Atlantis, we're coming home soon. Maintain position in case we run into trouble." He turned back to Rodney, "Atlantis is waiting for you, Rodney," he said softly.
Rodney took a deep stuttering breath that was almost a sob. Love. Colours of blue, joy, pain, but throughout it all, Love. "Atlantis," he whispered his voice full of awe.
Sheppard gave a half laugh and grinned open and wide, his eyes full of emotion, "Yes Rodney. Let's go home."
Rodney looked into Ronon's face, searching his own feelings. Talisman was right, this man made him feel safe, protected. He glanced at Teyla and felt the same with an underlying sense of peace. When he thought about the two men behind him he got all these feelings, but something more, indefinable, like finding something inside you that you hadn't realised you'd lost.
Sheppard moved round to his side, checking the street was still empty before he spoke, "Rodney? It won't be long before we're discovered."
Decision time. He still wasn't a hundred percent trusting, but he had more memories back and he had learnt from his earlier mistakes. He would trust his inner voice this time around and it said he could trust these people, so with a final glance at Ronon, he lowered the knife, but kept hold of it as he turned back to Sheppard. "Take me home."
The man smiled, shoulders relaxing as he exhaled. "Come on, jumper's this way. I'd feel better if we run. We've been lucky so far and apparently they have an army of soldiers trained like you which I'd rather not meet."
McKay changed into an easy run, which caused Sheppard to raise his eyebrows. As they ran, McKay could feel Sheppard constantly glancing at him with a goofy grin, the open joy clearly visible on his face; it made him uncomfortable. "Are you aware that smiling like that makes you look like an idiot?" He shook his head in exasperation when Sheppard barked in laughter, sounding light and full of joy, but strangely he also seemed to detect a measure of relief in it too.
He stopped when Sheppard stopped. He had no idea what a jumper was but he could see for himself there was no vehicle of any kind in sight. He spun so he could keep them all in his view, tightening his grip on the knife. He'd been duped, they had just lured him out here alone and he had followed blindly again. Anger started to flow again, mostly at himself for being so stupid for trusting so easily. "There's nothing here," he said challengingly. His eyes flicked to the man in black as he raised his arm with a smile. Rodney realised he was pressing a button on something in his hand but before he could react Sheppard had lowered his hand and was nodding behind him with a grin.
Rodney looked at him suspiciously and after checking the location of everybody, quickly glanced over his shoulder. An oblong box sat there, trying to look as if it had always been there, but he knew differently because nothing had been there. Just wide open fields, ooh that means something. Damn it! Not now. He looked back at Sheppard, "Don't tell me, it's all done with mirrors?"
Sheppard smiled as he walked past him to the jumper, talking as he went. "It's called a cloak. I'm sure it will come back to you soon, Rodney."
Rodney turned and followed him, he watched as Sheppard lowered the back hatch and walked in. He peered inside as he stood on the ramp and noticed as the jumper cloaked again, making it look like a tunnel hovering in the air. He heard a claxon and turned towards the noise. Ronon was also looking back to the town as Teyla loped up next to Carson, who used the short reprieve to catch his breath.
Ronon turned and all three approached the jumper. Rodney moved through the jumper to join Sheppard. He hesitated on the threshold to the forward section but moved to sit next to Sheppard when he heard Ronon behind him. "They've set off an alarm," Ronon said to Sheppard as he took the seat behind him.
Sheppard never took his eyes off the console in front of him, hands flying over the commands leaving lights of brilliant blue in their wake, mesmerising to watch. "I've already cloaked the jumper. We should be off the planet before they've even mobilised their security."
Rodney noticed a change in the light of the cabin and turned to see the hatch closing as Teyla turned to walk past Carson, who was bustling through the storage in the back, to sit behind him. She reached out to touch him and he flinched back, he watched pain flash through her eyes as she slowly drew her hand back. "We missed you, Rodney," her eyes shone with tears but remained unshed. "We missed you very much."
He nodded, still watching her face. He didn't know what to say, still unsure of his feelings. He turned to Sheppard, effectively ending the conversation. "Thought you said we were in a hurry."
Sheppard glanced at him, expression unreadable, before reaching out to take the joy stick. "We are," he said as the jumper rose. He raised a hand to his ear again. "Stackhouse, dial the Alpha site and move through. Lorne take up the rear." As he spoke they swept away, the ground almost a blur beneath them.
"Alpha site? Is that where Atlantis is?" he asked.
"No, these people managed to take you from right under out noses and we're still not sure how. We don't want them to know where Atlantis is. Carson's going to scan you to make sure they didn't put a tracking device in you and to make sure you're okay. Once we get to the Alpha site and Carson says it's okay, we'll go through to Atlantis."
As he was speaking, they were approaching a stone ring of water. The water was rippling as if a stone had been thrown into its epicentre. They were heading straight for it. He remembered it, a vision of a plume of white water, like smoke. A metal ramp leading up to it with a man in a black cloak but made of light. These three people walking into water and himself following, except it wasn't water. Numbers started flowing, beautiful and intricate and peaceful. They sung to his soul and he never wanted them to stop.
He was distracted by Carson approaching with something in his hand and the numbers fell away, leaving him empty. Carson raised his hand towards Rodney who reached out and grabbed his wrist, glaring into his eyes with a clear challenge. Carson's eyes grew huge but as they moved from his captured wrists to Rodney's eyes they softened. "Nae, lad. I'd never hurt ya."
Just then they went through the Stargate, he felt a displacement, a feeling he couldn't identify and then realised they were somewhere else, but the threat was in here so he didn't take his eyes off Carson. A word appeared in his mind and he repeated it, "Voodoo."
He heard the others snort in laughter, smiles appearing on their faces as Carson harrumphed in indignation, but his eyes were bright and the corners of his mouth curled up, dimples appearing in his cheeks. It was confusing, trying to read these people. "Aye, Rodney. Trust you ta remember that."
"I remember. Voodoo's a bad thing. Voodoo has needles in it and I don't like needles." The memory that was vivid in his mind must have bled through his eyes because Carson's face was full of pity and compassion and it hurt because he would have given anything to have seen that just once during those months alone, to know someone, somewhere cared that he was in that much pain.
The others weren't laughing anymore. Sheppard was looking at him with an intense stare of compassion mixed with anger that lit up his eyes, Ronon had the same stare. He didn't need to look at Teyla to know she'd have the same look. He wasn't sure if the anger was at him, but he didn't think so. Carson's voice was soft when he spoke and it made Rodney's heart clench to hear the caring voice, "No needles, Rodney. I promise. This is just a scan. I won't even touch you until you say it's okay too."
Rodney saw Sheppard clench his jaw and swallow his emotions, his eyes bright as he blinked away tears and Rodney felt lost amongst this compassion he could feel flooding from these strangers. Like drowning, it washed over him and left him confused and disorientated. He just nodded towards Carson ignoring the compassion in his eyes.
The understanding and feelings he had craved over those first two months, he now finds overwhelming and uncomfortable. Carson cleared his throat and proceeded to point the scanner to Rodney's head and gradually lowered it. Rodney could see the blue light on the device lighting up and he watched it suspiciously. When it passed eye level he peered over the top, trying to read what it said, curiosity overriding caution and suspicion receding and ebbing away.
His curiosity seemed to bring out bittersweet smiles to the remainder of the crew. Carson turned and told Sheppard it was all clear. Rodney flicked his eyes to Sheppard as he moved his hand to his radio. "Okay, all clear. Stackhouse, dial Atlantis."
Rodney turned back to Carson as Sheppard took the controls and the jumper lifted off the ground, heading for the water again. "What's it say?" he asked curiously as he nodded to the device in Carson's hand.
"It says you don't have any foreign bodies in you. Once we get you back to Atlantis we can do a full scan and see if there's anything holding back your memories and if there is anything we need to fix. You're healthy, Rodney. In fact, you're healthier now than you were before… well, the last time we saw you, so we can do this at your pace, Rodney. I'll explain everything I'm doing and make sure you're comfortable, okay?"
Rodney nodded, still trying to peer at the display. He felt that same displacement feeling again, but didn't fully realise what it was as he replied to Carson. "Milton said the memories would come back slowly if he didn't fix it."
Ronon growled softly in the background and he noticed Sheppard's body tensing out of the corner of his eye but he ignored them as Carson asked, "Did he say how long it would take?"
Rodney shook his head and that's when he noticed the view. This time they had appeared inside a building. The jumper had already lifted up and he saw people craning to see into the jumper as it lifted out of sight. He felt trepidation, still second guessing his choice to trust these people based on an inner voice. He felt trapped with no idea how to get out and he could feel panic rising. He reached out a hand to the console as they landed. When it lit up he retracted his hand as if burnt.
He looked at Sheppard with a curious expression on his face and then reached out tentatively and touched the console again. It lit up and made him feel safer to know he might be able to operate the jumper if he needed to escape. He looked back at Sheppard to find him watching with a soft smile. He nodded encouragingly at McKay, who smiled hesitantly back before looking down at the lit console.
He turned his head at the noise to see the rear hatch lowering and Ronon moving to stand on the ramp and glare into the space beyond. Carson was finishing up collecting his supplies and was just closing the last case. Sheppard and Teyla rose together and he flinched back, feeling cornered. "It's okay, Rodney," Sheppard said softly, "No one will hurt you here. I swear, you're safe now."
Rodney roved over Sheppard's face with his eyes, looking for anything that would give him away, but all he saw was compassion and honesty and maybe a small amount of guilt which he didn't understand, but he had been fooled before. He nodded at him, but still watched warily. Teyla nodded to Sheppard, with a slight tilt of her head, "I'll go and make sure the way to the infirmary is clear."
Sheppard nodded. Rodney watched her go in silence, he peered out the front of the jumper, but only seeing other jumpers he turned back to peer down the length of the jumper, "Are you ready?" Sheppard said, reaching for his elbow.
Rodney flinched, but allowed him to leave his hand where it was. He nodded and walked through the dark interior of the jumper and out into the light, but the feel of Sheppard's hand on him was like a burn. He felt mild panic that he allowed them to put their hands on him, that they were going to hurt him like the others hurt him, feeling the phantom weight of hands on him again. In the end he couldn't stand it anymore and had to remove his elbow from Sheppard's loose hold. Sheppard let him without a word, but he noticed the man's body tense. The voice inside said he should trust them and he was trying, but it was so hard, there was so much at stake.
Ronon stood still nearby, just watching him. Rodney glanced at him, nodded and then continued cataloguing everything around him, looking for a way out just in case.
He could only see one entrance, the one that Sheppard had been leading him to. He headed towards that, keeping a mental map of where he was, where everybody else was in relation to him. They all kept their distance, leaving him a comfort zone and allowing him to move at his own pace. Sheppard was the nearest within easy reach. He didn't increase or decrease the space between them, comfortable with what they had.
He walked through the empty hallway, looking at the walls with curiosity, letting his fingers ghost their surface feeling something akin to recognition but not quite there. The hallway opened into a wide room with the stone ring on the opposite side. Curiosity took over the other instincts and he crossed the floor to get a closer look. He reached out a hand to feel the cold stone, run his hand over the lowest chevron.
Like a caress, his fingertips moving in and out of the grooves, he felt a bond to this thing as if it were alive. A well of emotions he couldn't begin to sort out, and in the end he had to turn away, mind muddled with thought, images and emotions too many to decipher.
He turned to find Sheppard watching him with that same soft smile on his face. The emotions when he looked at them were becoming cleaner, sharper. Trust, safe and predominantly an underlying peace when they were close, which was confusing, as the strongest snatches of memory were full of pain, hurt and vulnerability. His instinct said to stand back and trust no one, but the inner voice said to trust, believe and give everything. The inner voice had been right so far, so he followed it, but instinct was instinct and he couldn't help looking for the lie, and being wary till he found it.
TBC