THE CYNICAL SOLDIER
Chapter 9 Iss1;
Rodney knew it was true. If they were going to kill him they would have, could have at any time. But he still couldn't bring himself to believe, not yet.
He needed them too, though. He needed them to believe that he thought he was safe and had let his guard down. It gave him the upper edge, the element of surprise if he needed it. So he asked the question that was most likely to change the focus away from him.
He turned to the doctor, "So, do you know what they did? Can you fix it?" He could see the soldier snap to attention, looking at the doctor as well. Rodney didn't look at him, never took his eyes off the doctor, wanting the soldier to focus his attention away from him and it seemed to be working.
Carson looks sympathetic and guilty as hell, which in turn made him feel guilty, which is odd in itself, considering he snapped a guy's neck a week before and only felt a twinge, which was more than he felt when he killed the guy's friends in more barbaric ways. The inner voice that was so easy to ignore in the past is now becoming louder.
Carson's response halted his thoughts. "I don't know what they did. I can't find anything specific in the scan except for a swollen hippocampus. This is responsible for your memories and trauma can cause slight retrograde memory loss. Retrograde means you can't remember the trauma or a short period before that point.
"You have total amnesia and none of the usual markers for cause. We are still waiting for the blood results. We are expecting the results to show that either there is something in your blood that is responsible for the amnesia or maybe something in your blood is working in conjunction with the hippocampus is the cause. I'm hoping we will learn more when we get your blood works back."
The Doctor hesitated and Rodney steeled himself. He wasn't going to like this he could tell. "I know it's painful for you to tell us the things they did, but there may be something that gives us a clue. I need to know everything that happened to you, and the sooner the better, Rodney. As soon as you are up to it, I really need you to tell us." His voice was tinged with compassion, as if he understood how very much Rodney wanted to just burrow down into these soft sheets, cocoon himself in the warmth and forget everything that went before.
"I wish I did'nae have to ask you, lad, but it maybe the key to fixing you. There is still a chance that we may not have to do anything, of course. Did'nae Milton tell ya that it would come back gradually?"
Milton. Just the name was like a punch to the gut. Anger, God, how angry did he feel when he thought of that man and the things he had done… the things he had almost done again. That man would have destroyed him with a smile on his face and calling himself friend. That's why he wasn't ready to believe these people so quickly. He wasn't going to be made an idiot twice in one day.
He nodded silently while he got his emotions under control, another thing that was becoming harder. He felt like he was drowning in feelings and it hadn't even been a full day since he met these guys.
"That's what he said, but he didn't give any time frames, besides… he wasn't exactly trustworthy. I'd rather not depend on anything he said if we can find another way."
A quick glance at the soldier, Sheppard, showed his face was thunderous. Carson nodded, "do you think ya can tell us more of what they did to you, Rodney?"
Rodney pushed his plate away, appetite gone. Sadness and resignation flooded his features and his actions. He saw Sheppard move towards him, but ended up just placing a hand on the bed next to him instead, for which he was grateful. He wasn't up to letting strangers put their hands on him yet.
Carson drooped. "I understand if you're not ready yet, lad. We can leave it a while."
Rodney shook his head. "No, we have to do it sometime. We may as well do it now. Get it out of the way. Milton…" he couldn't use his name anymore as the emotions it inflicted were too raw. "He didn't come back to my cell till the next morning. I spent that night trying to figure out what was going on, how I got there. That's when I realised I couldn't remember anything, not even who I was, where I was from, let alone how I got there."
He suddenly looked up at Carson, blue eyes intense and suffused with sadness, "Do you know how alone you feel when you have to consider even yourself a stranger?" He looked back down and murmured softly, "Alone and lost."
He snapped back to himself, he couldn't show them any weakness. They might use it against him later. He continued as if he had never stopped. "He came back in the morning." He didn't notice the depth of derision and hate that had entered his voice, but Sheppard and Carson did, with a quick glance at each other before turning back to Rodney just as he raised his head.
"The first thing he said was 'don't hurt me and do only as I say' and like the night before I found myself obeying when he told me to follow him." He added in a distracted, saddened voice, "I think I had hoped it was the drugs and that it would wear off, but apparently it was something else. I could no more disobey him than I could choose to stop breathing."
He paused, knowing the other two were watching him but unable to continue, the sense of being under someone else's control, the fear of what could be done to him.
"Rodney," Carson said, so softly it was almost a whisper. "We can continue this tomorrow… after you've had a good night's sleep, maybe."
Rodney shook his head adamantly, "No. No, it's…" he took a deep breath, sat up a little straighter, chin a little stronger and continued, ignoring the sound of his heart thumping in his chest. "He took me to this room, no windows. There were never any windows. I didn't see the outside until the day I escaped."
His eyes roved, as he saw the room again in his mind's eye, "This room had consoles at the edge, but in the middle under this large spotlight there was a huge metal table that seemed to shine with its own light. There were holes throughout the length of the table, like a drain and at the edges there were dark brown leather straps."
He figured the fear must still be strong and clearly visible in his features if the soldier's angry reaction was any indication. He carried on, struggling against the memories. "He told me to lie down and I struggled, those holes, I kept thinking about blood draining away and I tried so hard to fight him but I couldn't and eventually I was lying down against the cold metal. He came over and fixed the restraints so I couldn't move."
He noticed the soldier's hand was gripping the bed sheets as they twisted in his fist, and he glanced away, back towards the doctor. "They put this circlet device on my head, it had blue lights on it. They glowed when he put it on and I could have sworn he flinched a little at that point, but I don't know why, I don't think it was the first time I had worn it. There was a slight tingling at the back of my head that seemed strangely familiar. He went to one of the consoles in the room and flicked a switch. I saw some strange symbols scroll past on a large screen, similar to that one you were looking at earlier."
His face grimaced at the phantom memory of the pain. "It was like a lightning bolt in my mind. Pure light blinding all else and pain, so much pain, so intense and it seemed to last forever."
"Rodney, maybe you should leave this till you've had a good night's sleep," Sheppard suggested softly, "like you said, it's been a long day."
"No, no. This is the important part. After that room, he took me to another. I couldn't even turn away from him, let alone fight him. He had total control over my own body." He sat a little straighter and for the first time since they found him he gave that genius half smile and the familiar smugness entered his voice, "but he couldn't control my mind. I matched him step by step and by the time we reached the second room I had killed him five different ways."
He was back there for a moment, reliving it with relish. He didn't realise the sparkle in his eyes was normally reserved for alien technology and didn't notice how uncomfortable the two men in front of him suddenly seemed.
He came back to the present. That memory always made him feel stronger and he continued with renewed confidence. His arms joined in the narrative, making his words come alive. "It was wall to wall weapons. Spears, long staffs, swords, guns, things I had no idea what they did at that time. All the blades were wrapped in beautiful soft red leather with gold studs that gave you a good grip. Everything had its place. Everything was clean and sharp. They had a shine to them that just screamed danger. I preferred them to the guns, they required more skill. When you fought with these, they came alive in your hands and made you feel powerful." He suddenly registered the shock in their eyes, "What?"
Carson looked nervously at Sheppard who leaned forward, "You, er, you seem to enjoy working with weapons, using your hands. It's just, well, you didn't feel that way before. You actually used these weapons?"
He suddenly felt uneasy. Maybe they wouldn't be so accommodating if they knew what he was capable off. He backtracked over what he had said and realised he couldn't back out now. "Yes," he said hesitantly, then speeding up, tripping over himself to explain.
"That first time, when he told me to work with the staffs and spears, my body seemed to lurch after every move, almost like it was surprised at itself. So I always figured this wasn't something I knew, but the more I did the moves, the more smooth and familiar they became. I soon realised that after the lighting shot," he stuttered to a halt, "Erm, I mean the download… after the download more things became familiar and I always suspected that, somehow, the machine downloaded the skills I was using.
"I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but I remember that first time when I only knew so much and that the next time I stepped into that room I knew how to handle more of those weapons. I think that without more treatment the skills fade. He said the memories need to be finalised and I think without that process they become weaker until they fade away."
Sheppard leaned forward and made eye contact with him, saying softly, hesitantly as though it was painful to ask, "Did you… did you use them on anybody?"
Rodney suddenly felt cornered and anger flowed sharp. "Don't you get it? If he had told me I would have cut off my own arm, taken my own life. There was no way to stop myself from following his commands and if you just let yourself go, let yourself follow, there was a peacefulness, a rightness to it that was intoxicating and afterwards…" he looked downwards, moving to a place in the past, "the first time I looked down and saw what I had done I wanted him to ask me to do that, to take my own life. Rather me than them, but the more downloads I received the less I felt. Not just about that, about all things. I just became numb inside, like a part of me died."
He looked back to the soldier as he heard his breath hitch, the soldier's eyes gleamed with unshed tears as he whispered in a broken but intense voice, "I am so sorry, Rodney. I am so sorry that I couldn't protect you. You… you should never have had to do that, to experience that. I hope one day you can forgive me." He rose sharply and left the infirmary, tracked by the shocked blue eyes of Rodney McKay.
He looked back to the Doctor, hoping he could explain. That was not the reaction he had been expecting. He stared at the doctor as he watched a tear break free from his watery eyes. He furrowed his brow in confusion and watched as the doctor scrubbed at his eyes, mumbling in a thick Scottish accent. "Stupid, stupid man."
When he looked back up at Rodney, they just stared at each other for a while. When nothing was forthcoming, Rodney asked the question. "Why do I have to forgive him?"
"Because he's a stupid, stupid man," Carson snapped before taking a large fortifying breath. "He's your team leader and your friend. It is officially his responsibility to protect you. He couldn't have stopped what happened but… like I said, the man's an idiot. He blames himself. I think your whole team does to be honest. They are all warriors and you are considered the civilian, the one they should protect. They have been drowning in grief and guilt since your supposed death. I thought this might be an end to that, but some people almost seem to seek guilt out." He sighed heavily before looking intently at Rodney.
"I know you don't remember, I know you're healing yourself, Rodney, but you could help them. Tell them that you don't blame them. Make sure they understand there was nothing they could do. I can get them back here by saying you're insisting on it, that you want to see the only familiar faces you know around you. Their damn guilt will bring them back," he almost spat in anger. Then he looked at Rodney with soft eyes as he spoke gently, "they wouldn't leave you alone. Will you help them, Rodney?"
He nodded dumbly in response. This was all getting to much. His emotions were leaving him washed out. "I don't want to talk anymore," he stated. He had almost got himself into trouble and he would have to plan what things he would say and what things he wouldn't. He would also have to keep a tight rein on his anger as well. He was furious with himself that he had told them willingly that he had killed people; he had thought that would be the end to it, that they would throw him out.
The soldier's response still confused him and he felt lost. He only just registered Carson nodding eagerly and moving away from his bed. He sagged back against the pillows trying to replay the day and all the things he had witnessed, all the flashes of memory he had experienced, trying to find order amongst the chaos. Hoping beyond hope that he would find the clue that would tell him that they were telling the truth, that he was finally home, amongst friends and that he wouldn't have to kill anybody else. He would kill them if it was necessary, but he thought the inner voice would just scream and never stop if he ever had to do that.
The doctor came back with some white two piece outfit that he seemed to have to change into. He didn't like the idea of changing out of his clothes, feeling more vulnerable, but he had come close today and he didn't want them to change their minds about him until he had figured out what he wanted to do.
He gave a deep, resigned sigh. He was going to have to do as they asked, at least for the immediate future. He changed into the white clothes and placed his own under his bed, where he could reach them if needed.
He climbed under the covers, and as the warmth seeped into his body, he felt his eyelids grow heavy, the emotions of the day laying heavy in his bones as he sagged into the warmth of the bed. He tried to keep the panic at bay, falling asleep in a strange place as the shadows drew in, surrounded by strangers. A noise from the infirmary door made him stiffen as he turned towards it with fear, yet ready to face anything.
He watched silently as three people slunk into the infirmary, quiet on their feet and quiet in their nature. Ronon and Teyla petered to a halt when they passed the door, probably unsure they were welcome as they hadn't been within five paces of him since the jumper.
He nodded to them, which they took as confirmation they were welcome. Well, judging by the hesitant steps they took, maybe not welcome but allowed at least. Sheppard walked round to the other side of the bed, eyes watching him the whole time. He looked edgy, like he was waiting for rejection he was sure would come.
He watched them silently while they found their places around his bed. Sheppard spoke, and he could still hear the earlier emotion in his voice. "Rodney? Carson said you wanted us here, but we can go if you want, you just have to say."
Rodney realised that he did feel easier with these three people here and the earlier emotions of safe and protected returned. "I don't want to talk anymore tonight, but I would feel better if you all could stay. I can't say why," he shrugged self consciously, looking at the blanket in his lap, "If you don't want to…"
"No, no. We want to," Sheppard rushed to interrupt. He looked up at them all then to find them smiling, still seeming a little unsure, but he could see by the lines of their bodies they were more relaxed. He smiled back hesitantly.
Teyla edged closer to the bed, "We are pleased to be here with you, Rodney."
"I, erm, I'm going to sleep now, it's been a long day," he responded, not quite sure what to say.
"Yeah, yeah, sure," Sheppard said. As Rodney squirmed under the blankets the three looked to each other and seemed to come to a silent agreement as both Ronon and Sheppard turned to the bed on either side and climbed on top off them, lying down to sleep.
Teyla took a chair next to the bed and they looked at each other in silence while he fought against sleep. Just as it took him, he thought he heard Teyla's soft voice again, "Sleep, Rodney. You have nothing to fear, we will watch over you. Sleep well my friend. I cannot find the words to say how happy I am to have you back."
With sleep came the familiar snatches of colour, but they became a tantalising kaleidoscope of images, the whispers of ghosts in the shadows became murmured half sentences as the human mind continued the arduous task of fixing itself.
TBC