Just wanted to say thank you to all those who are taking the time to comment - its means a lot and bolsters my enthusiasm and never fails to make me smile. Hope you enjoy this one - its one of my favourites.
The Cynical Soldier
Chapter 10;
The infirmary was in half darkness when Rodney woke up. He lay perfectly still while he tried to figure out what had woken him. He was sure he remembered a sensation like being prodded, but the memory was muddied by the haze of sleep.
He saw a movement and sat up sharply, just in time to see Sheppard retract his hand quickly.
"Did you just prod me?" he hissed angrily, mindful not to wake the others unnecessarily. He wanted to keep the numbers even if he could, he was pretty sure he could take this guy if required.
"Erm…"
"You did," he hissed incredulously. "Why?" he asked sternly, the anger clear. As he spoke, he cast an eye over his legs to see if he could discern a change, something they had done. He was furious, more furious with himself if he was honest. What else had they done while he slept? He had let his guard down, what had that cost him?
"I'm sorry," Sheppard said in a small voice. The lights dimmed slightly and Sheppard took full advantage of the growing shadows, leaning back into them as he spoke gently, voice full of anguish, pain and guilt evident.
"You died, Rodney. You were dead… and it really hurt, okay." He looked up then and Rodney could see his eyes shining in the dark. "I missed you… and then, there you were, large as life. I know sometimes luck can play a part, sometimes extraction can be that easy but… we were going to tear that planet apart to find you and there you were, walking down a garden path," his tone turning to disbelief with the last words.
"We swore, all of us," he said as he indicated the sleeping forms of Ronon behind him and Teyla opposite. "We swore, whatever it took we would bring you back and we expected to risk everything for you. But there you were, walking down the God damn street. I'm still coming to terms with the fact you're even alive… it was all too easy and part of me… well, maybe it's not real, you know? I see you there, I know the Doc's run his tests but I guess I just needed to touch, for me. I just needed to reach out and know you're there, that you're real." He shrugged, "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I just couldn't not."
Rodney just stared at him, processing his words, his anger forgotten. They were going to tear the planet apart… for him, risk everything… for him. He could be lying of course, but if he was faking that depth of emotion, then he was damned good. Rodney suddenly wanted it to be true, wanted these people to be his friends. He wanted to believe that people could care for him that much, that maybe somewhere inside he was worth that much.
"How did… how did I end up there?" He asked. The question had been on his mind since that first night in the cell, he hadn't asked before because he couldn't bear to hear more lies, but maybe, just maybe, they wouldn't be lies.
Sheppard gave a ragged intake of breath. "Rodney," was all he said, but the emotions were so clear he may as well have said it, begged it, don't make me.
"I want to know. I need to know. Please," Rodney whispered
Sheppard nodded his head, licking his lips nervously. "Okay." He took a deep breath and leant forward, forearms on the bed, as he spoke. "We were looking through ruins. You were downloading the database, apparently that's what initiated the machine. You were looking around while I was talking to Teyla and Ronon."
He straightened up and leant back into the shadows, hiding his face, his voice just a whisper in the dark. "Next thing I know you've found this holographic wall and stepped inside. There was this bright light, so bright we couldn't see anything, but we could hear you screaming."
As he continued his voice became distracted. It was obvious he was trapped in some inner memory and talking to himself. "I don't think I'll ever stop hearing the sound of you scream." The emotion was so painful it hurt just to listen. The words were haunting as they were whispered so quietly in the shadows that they sent a shiver down Rodney's spine in the heavy pause that followed.
John started as he returned to the present. He cleared his throat as he quickly sat a little straighter in his seat. When he spoke his voice was still tight, held in check with fragile reins. "They said it was a death chamber. They said that you had died. It was luck, pure luck that Parrish found it. The auction notice, did you know that they were going to auction you?"
Sheppard's low voice sounding in the half darkness of the infirmary created an atmosphere, a quiet that Rodney didn't want to break. He nodded dumbly.
Sheppard nodded back, confirmation of some inner thought. "We tried to find a way to get you, but we couldn't. I bet you would've, but we didn't have you, we had to wait. I hated waiting." He leant forward again, suddenly intense, "We were coming for you though. There was never any doubt, we were coming for you."
He looked down at his hands, "We don't know how they got you. The current thought of the day is that the chamber transported you somewhere, either directly into their hands or to someone else who delivered you to them. I'm not sure we'll ever know, unless you remember. Personally, I hope you never do."
"You hope I don't remember?" Rodney asked confused.
"Not that. Your tracker was left behind, Rodney. Wherever you arrived, your tracker had been ripped from your body. Before that, you were screaming. I could hear the fear and pain in it. I wish I could forget it and I hope you never have to remember pain that makes you scream like that."
"Oh," Rodney said quietly. Seeing the soldier so shaken seemed to shake him to the core and some sixth sense seemed to share the soldier's fear and he hoped he didn't get that memory back either.
"You really should get some more sleep, Rodney. Your team's here. Nothing will happen to you, I swear."
"Soon," he replied. "I need to know something else first. You asked me to forgive you, but I don't see anything you've done. What do I need to forgive you for?"
Sheppard's eyes locked on to his, intense, "It's my job to protect you, Rodney. When you joined my team I promised I would. I know you, Rodney. When you get your memories back, when you remember what they made you do, to kill someone without reason. That'll eat away at you. That's not you, not like that. I'm not just supposed to protect your life, Rodney. I'm supposed to protect you, keep you whole as I can, given our circumstances. I promised I'd protect you and I didn't. I failed you, Rodney."
Sheppard looked back down at his hands, "To be honest, even if you can forgive me, I'm not sure I can forgive myself for allowing that to happen. You should never have had to experience the things you did. I'm so sorry for that, Rodney, so sorry."
"But I don't get what you think you could have done?" Rodney asked with confusion clear in his words. Confused also by the depth of guilt this man carried and a little bowled over by the depth of conviction this stranger had to protect him.
"I could have stayed closer, stopped you from stepping inside that chamber. I could have made sure we didn't stop looking for you. I could have done a hundred different things. I know because I've thought of little else for the last three months, a hundred things that would have made the difference. If I had searched the building properly I would have been the one to find it, to step inside, not you.
"That's your answer? Step into the chamber instead of me? Knowing what you know now that's still a viable option for you?" He asked in disbelief.
"Whatever it takes, Rodney."
"Well, I don't forgive you. As far as I can see there is nothing to forgive. You didn't do anything wrong and, by the way, the doctor's right. You are an idiot. If anything, apparently you need to forgive me for wandering off."
Sheppard was smirking, it was annoying. Every time he allowed his emotions to rule him it seemed to make the soldier smirk. His reactions to everything seemed so irrational it made him hard to figure out.
"You're always wandering off, I've never been able to stop you," Sheppard answered.
"And do you ask for my forgiveness every time I do," he hissed.
The smile fell from the soldier's face, "You don't always die, Rodney," he said seriously.
"Oh, so this time you knew I was going to die?" he asked incredulously.
"No! Of course not," Sheppard responded sharply.
"You're an idiot. You want forgiveness for something you had no hand in. I'm going to sleep now, tomorrow I'll tell you some things I've done. I'll tell you about things that really require forgiveness… from people who can never give it and then you'll never ask me again."
He shuffled angrily under the covers.
"Rodney," Sheppard whispered pleadingly, obviously not wanting to leave things this way.
"Tomorrow," he said. He closed his eyes and didn't say another thing until sleep took him again.
*************
John sat, watching him sleep while going through the things they'd discussed. He heard Ronon stir behind him on the bed he'd given up to take his watch.
"He's right you know," Ronon rumbled in the dark. "You can't let things you can't change affect you. We all wish we'd done more, but what's done is done. He needs you here, now, in the present. Not locked in the past."
"I know, but I can't help the way I feel. I won't ask him again," Sheppard said, keeping his back to Ronon.
"In case you missed it in amongst all those words, he forgave you."
Sheppard nodded, "I heard," he said softly.
"Then it's done?" Ronon asked.
"Get some sleep, Ronon."
The Satedan sighed, then stilled and soon his breathing fell into the rhythm of peaceful slumber. Sheppard sat watching, thinking through the things that had been said while the sky changed colours and the light crept across the infirmary, banishing the shadows for a little while.
Rodney woke up slowly, then seemed to jerk awake suddenly, checking his surroundings. John watched him silently, waiting till Rodney's eyes settled on him before he spoke. "Hey."
"You still an idiot?" Rodney asked as he pulled the pillows up behind him and made himself comfortable.
John huffed a laugh, "No, not so much."
Rodney nodded. "So, what lovely things do you have in store for me today?"
"Knowing the Doc? More tests."
As if on cue, Carson walked into the infirmary and, seeing them awake, he walked over. "Morning," he said with a smile. "Sleep well?" He raised a questioning eyebrow at Rodney, "Everything okay, last night?"
Rodney nodded back, rather intensely.
Carson literally bounced on his feet, grinning widely. "Good, good. That's good."
John was pretty sure he'd just missed a conversation. He saw Rodney roll his eyes and Carson's display of joy that seemed a little over the top for a good's night sleep.
Carson turned to him, "And you, John. You okay today?"
And just like that, everything clicked into place. Carson had asked Rodney to speak to him. "Yeah, Doc. I'm fine." If possible, Carson bounced a little more, never any good at subtlety. Despite himself, he found he couldn't help but grin at the Doc's feeble attempts at being covert. Rodney was openly scowling at him now, which just made him grin a little wider.
"So, what's the plan for today, Doc?" Rodney asked and it was those little things that blew him out of the water. Rodney was proud of his doctorates, always introducing himself as Doctor and always gave at least that much respect to others. The only person allowed to call him Doc was Lorne, and he still hadn't figured out why yet. He always presumed that the team would probably be allowed as well but they never had, always respecting Rodney his title, knowing what it meant to him.
He saw Carson's eyes widen briefly but carry on without a word. "Gonna give you another scan today, just to see if there is any change. We'll get your blood works back today, so hopefully we'll have some answers for you. Well, as you're awake, we may as well do the scan now. We can have you back in time for breakfast."
They proceeded to do just that. He hovered at the Doctor's shoulder watching the results as the machine scanned Rodney. Anticipation was winding tightly in his stomach. "Carson?"
"Nae, lad. Nothing. The hippocampus is marginally smaller, but the difference hardly registers." His voice was clinical, matter of fact, but he could still sense the disappointment in it.
"So, what now?" he asked.
"We wait for the blood works," he walked back over to Rodney. "Come on, Rodney. Let's get you back into bed for breakfast."
Rodney got up and followed. He seemed a little more relaxed around them at last. As they walked back to Rodney's bed he saw Teyla and Ronon were up, sitting on the edge of the beds they had slept on. Teyla raised a questioning brow and he shook his head, nothing. No change.
Her gaze slid to Rodney flawlessly. "Good Morning, Rodney," she smiled serenely.
Rodney hesitated and then responded, "Good Morning," he nodded to Ronon before climbing back into his bed. John noticed he had given it a cursory glance before doing so. Not so relaxed as he thought.
Carson had arranged for them all to have breakfast in the infirmary with Rodney. It was a mixture of emotion. Mostly, it was great, sitting here, being here with Rodney. He kept getting little bubbles of euphoria where he had to struggle not to burst into dopey grins. Rodney was alive. Then the quiet would intrude and remind him that although Rodney was here, alive, he wasn't whole. The Rodney he knew was still missing, only this time he was in a place John couldn't reach him.
"So the scan's done, what else am I doing today?" Rodney asked before pushing a forkful of bacon and eggs in his mouth. Sheppard wondered if that still would have been his first question if he remembered eggs weren't purple. He missed his friend.
Sheppard shrugged as Carson's voice sounded behind him. "Nothing else until we've got your blood works back. Any treatment we give you could be detrimental without knowing what's in your system. I know it takes time, Rodney, but we will get there."
Rodney nodded. "I was wondering if I could look around, see if anything seems familiar?"
He saw Carson look to him, which must mean it was fine as far as Carson was concerned from a medical stand point which just left the security issue; his call then. Rodney followed Carson's gaze to look at him as well.
Sheppard looked back, thinking. He had detected something familiar in Rodney's voice. Like when he explained the scientific progress he could make with a piece of ancient technology, when what he really meant was that he really, really wanted to play. He had that same contained energy bursting at the seams. That poorly hidden bounce that always meant Rodney was up to something.
He figured if he was going to try something then it was better he give him a free rein to see where it led, as long as they kept a close eye on him. At least they knew him well enough that they should be able to spot anything suspicious. "Sure we can, Rodney. We'll all go with you, keep you company."
Rodney looked at him and John felt sure he was being fully assessed and catalogued in that split second before Rodney smiled, "Great. I'll just get dressed and then we'll go."
"Sadly, I have to stay here and help with the blood work. I'll give you a call as soon as I know anything. If you don't hear from me before, be back here for dinner. I'll arrange for your food to be brought here. Now, I have to go. Have fun, boys and girls." Carson raised his hand as he turned and walked to the rear of the infirmary, where Sheppard knew he could reach the medical labs situated underneath them.
The three of them left the cubicle area, pulling the curtains round to give Rodney the privacy to dress. He pulled the other two over to the doorway and whispered, "Keep a close eye, he's up to something." They both simply nodded back. He wondered if this was because they had sensed it too or if they just trusted him enough to take him at his word.
"Do you think we should have Zelenka with us?" Asked Teyla quietly, casting a glance back towards the closed curtains.
It was a valid point, Zelenka would know if Rodney was up to anything with the systems, but Sheppard had no intention of letting him anywhere near them. "No, we won't allow him to access anything so I don't think we need Zelenka. Rodney seems to be thinking like a soldier at the moment. Just keep an eye, don't relax," he said as he followed Teyla's gaze to the curtained area.
They didn't say anymore, not wanting to get caught talking about him as that would make him more wary.
Rodney pulled the curtains aside, pausing for a moment to look at each of them in turn before walking over to them. They left the infirmary together, walking through the halls. People they passed stopped, smiles blooming on their faces when they saw him. "Morning, Doctor McKay." "Good to have you back, Doctor." "Hello, McKay."
He seemed oblivious of how he sunk back to the middle of the team, using them as a buffer, as he responded tentatively or in most cases, just nodded in response. He had to admit, he got a warm feeling inside that Rodney found a sense of security by surrounding himself by his team, even if it was done unconsciously.
When the halls were empty, Rodney seemed to lose himself in the surroundings. John took him to the window they had first seen the city from, although it had been underwater then. He still came here himself sometimes, it still held a certain wonder. It reminded him of those initial feelings, the sense of adventure and anticipation that he had felt that first time, helping to reawaken them.
Rodney was suitably amazed, but sadly no memory of ever seeing it before. Sheppard took him out onto a balcony that overlooked a majority of the city, tall spires reaching up into a blue, blue sky. "It's beautiful," Rodney whispered reverently.
"It certainly is," Sheppard responded quietly. They stayed there a while, letting the cool breeze wash over them while they stood in the sun.
Rodney looked a little edgy before he spoke, "I was thinking I'd like to see the er… jumpers? They were fascinating."
Looking for a way out, Rodney? So that was his game. He definitely was thinking like a soldier and now Sheppard knew this was a recon. Rodney was finding out about his surroundings, mapping a way out, planning his escape. "Maybe later, Rodney." He made a mental note to take as many twists and turns as possible. He was in two minds about the transporters. On the one side they would confuse his sense of location; on the other they would be a useful tool and make it harder to find him should he escape. He decided against them. "Shall we?" he asked as he gestured to the doorway.
Rodney almost hid his frustration, it was only because he knew him so well and was looking for it that Sheppard saw it. Rodney smiled a fake ingratiating smile that Sheppard hated.
"Sure, where to next?" Rodney asked with fake casualness as he followed Ronon and Teyla back into the hallways.
"I figured we'd show you the Gym next. It's where we train our soldiers."
"You wanna spar with me, McKay?" Ronon asked, and the teasing was evident. He doubted Rodney would remember how many times Ronon had asked him, always knowing the answer, but loving the panic that flashed in Rodney's face. He definitely had a twisted sense of humour that one.
Rodney blinked in surprise, looking between Ronon and Sheppard, "You'd let me fight you?" he asked disbelievingly, but they could all detect a faint trace of hope in it.
Sheppard shrugged. "They're only practice weapons, it's up to you."
Ronon was looking like his Christmas had come early. A huge wolfish grin on his face and bright eyes looked at Rodney, full of hope. "You want to? You want to spar with me?"
All those times he had asked and Sheppard had never once guessed that Ronon was always hoping for the answer to be yes. Judging by Telya's pleased and indulgent expression she had, but then that was no surprise. Sometimes John was sure Teyla got a manual on everyone she met, always seeming to see inside them and know them instantly.
Rodney nodded, a genuine smile gracing his face.
They made their way to the gym. As they entered, there were two marines working. Sheppard walked over to them as Rodney gravitated toward the practice staffs docked in the stand at the end of the gym. "Would you mind if we took the room off you for a little while?" Sheppard asked.
"Of course, Sir," Jenkins responded, his gaze drifting over to where Rodney was running a hand along the staffs. "Doctor McKay. Glad you're back with us."
Sergeant Thompson nodded his agreement, "Yes, good to see you, Doctor McKay."
Rodney had just pulled one of the staffs out of the stand and looked up at the soldier. He nodded in response as he brought the staff up, so that it sat in his hand horizontally at waist height and it bounced as he checked the weight and balance. He nodded in satisfaction. "You okay with these?" he asked Ronon, who was just reaching out for one of them.
"Yeah, no one here can use them so they only practice when they have to. It'll make a nice change," Ronon said, still grinning and bouncing. He wasn't annoyed at Ronon for giving away tactical information, in fact it was a good misdirection. Ronon just meant that no one here could use them as well as Ronon, but then who could?
Jenkins and Thompson still hadn't moved, staring at the two of them. Sheppard leaned towards Jenkins and said quietly, "Are you sure you're okay to go?"
Jenkins jumped and twisted his head to look at him. "Sir? McKay and Ronon? Are you sure that's a good idea? No offense, sir," he hastily tacked on the end.
Sheppard grinned. It always made him feel good when his soldiers sought to protect McKay as well, glad that others had finally managed to see what his team had seen from those early days. He also knew that Ronon terrorised them mercilessly, probably the stuff of a few nightmares. He shrugged nonchalantly, "He wants to?"
He took a step back and indicated the benches. Jenkins and Thompson jerked into action, walking over and picking up their bags. Sheppard wandered over behind them. Just as they were about to go, Jenkins turned back to him, "Can we watch?" He asked conspiratorially, almost pleading.
Sheppard grinned, in full understanding. He nodded skywards, "Watch from the gantry," he said.
Sheppard turned, lowering himself down onto the bench next to Teyla. He leant back against the wall, stretching his legs out in front of him. He angled his head towards Teyla, "Ronon knows to go gently, right?"
Teyla turned to him with a smile that quickly turned into a small chuckle. She nodded as she responded, "He would never hurt, Rodney. You should know that."
"Yeah, I know that. I also know that sometimes he get's carried away when he gets over excited… reminds me of a Labrador I had as a child."
Her brow furrowed, "Labrador? What is a Labrador?"
He shook his head briefly, "I'll tell you later," he indicated McKay and Ronon, "the shows about to start." He watched Rodney and Ronon walk onto the mat, settle into their positions, then they started to move. Ronon always looked as if he was stalking his prey, but with Rodney it looked more like a dance.
While he mused on where to go after this, he watched them circle each other. Intrigued by how Rodney moved, he had never seen that level of balance to him. Ronon lunged and Sheppard sat up straight. That was a full assault, just like he gave the marines. Ronon was not going easy on McKay. He was about to surge to his feet and pull Ronon out when Rodney met the challenge.
Sheppard went cold. His civilian was a soldier and he couldn't help but remember how much pain it had cost him. He watched as Rodney met each challenge and even gave a few of his own before they separated and circled each other again.
Ronon was grinning, Sheppard couldn't remember the last time he had seen him so happy. Rodney's face was blank, eyes calculating, searching. He was watching every nuance of Ronon's movement, ready for the next attack.
McKay lifted his staff slightly and it looked like an opening, Ronon took it. His staff moved to follow the length of his arm and through his hand, his other hand up by his bicep holding it steady. His staff like a striking cobra to bite into empty air as Rodney spun away. He was as graceful as a dancer and so fast he was almost a blur.
As he spun out of the way his staff twisted in the air seeming to move by its own magic striking towards Ronon's back as Rodney held it like a bat and Sheppard remembered his words from yesterday. "They come alive in your hands, made you feel powerful."
Ronon turned, hands separating and flowing along the length of the staff to hold it vertical and steady to block Rodney's attack, the sound of wood against wood echoing through the gymnasium. It would have been a hard hit.
Rodney carried on his path, walking in an arch so he was facing Ronon, whilst he found his position he levelled out his staff, looking to slide it round Ronon's staff to duplicate his original attack.
Ronon slid his staff down the length of Rodney's, pushing into it and keeping it at bay while he lifted it up so that only a third remained below Rodney's. In one fluid movement he slipped it under Rodney's and using the power of his muscles to lift Rodney's staff up and away. Rodney spun, allowing the staff to slip through his fingers so he now had hold of it centrally once again. The staff seemed to flow in his hands. He turned back to Ronon, staff at the ready and in a defensive position. Ronon was likewise.
They circled each other again, but this time they were both smiling and Rodney definitely looked smug. Ronon had fallen for his feint and it had almost cost him the fight. Sheppard knew he would not do so again so easily, he would remember now that this was not McKay.
"It… he seems very adept," Teyla said, her voice sounding distracted and shocked but it was the stutter at the start that told him just how completely thrown Teyla was. She always thought before she spoke, always sure. She must be as shocked as he was, although he wasn't going to trust himself to speak, just nodding dumbly in response. They both watched them circle, one foot overcrossing the other, each placed with a surety and balance that McKay just never had.
Sheppard had always known that he was capable, but knew McKay would never be as good as he could be. Firstly, because he lacked the confidence to think he could be any good and so therefore, never would be. Also because he could never shut his brain down long enough to concentrate, to see everything he needed to see. Now, it seems he could. He was totally focused and it was damned scary to watch.
Ronon's voice rumbled in the silence of the gym. "You're holding back," he said, sounding more curious than disappointed.
"So are you," Rodney answered challengingly, watching and waiting for the next attack.
That was holding back! He now realised just how dangerous Rodney could be. He knew there wasn't a man amongst his marines who could have bested Ronon and yet Rodney was coming close. He honestly didn't know who would win anymore. He would have to rethink the security detail and he would have to get Zelenka to password the Jumper bay or something for a while, and pretty damn quick too.
He was watching a man who could best any man under his command and he was pretty sure he could best himself as well.
"Not anymore," Ronon said with a grin and went into attack.
Rodney had shed his jacket before he started and this time Sheppard could see his muscles bunch against the attack, before gliding to the side and retaliating. They continued to move together this time, no separating after each attack anymore.
There was no quarter given, the sticks a blur as they whirled and pivoted, flowing at their masters' command. Hits were made that made Sheppard cringe in sympathy, but they were shrugged off as they continued, neither of them backing down. Rodney and Ronon where panting now, sweat starting to make their skin glisten in the sunlight that poured through the yellow and red glass window behind them. They were a sight to behold, mesmerising and frightening.
Suddenly, Ronon lifted his staff up above his shoulders to his side in preparation for an attack from Rodney that never came. Rodney had anticipated his response and realised it would leave him wide open, and so he had gone lower, his staff twisting into Ronon's legs and ripping them out from underneath him. Rodney then twisted, pulling the staff free as he did so and swinging it round to pound into Ronon's chest, pushing him back onto unsteady feet and down he went.
Sheppard watched wide eyed, drawing in a sharp breath, as Rodney's staff arched up and over through the air, whistling as it went, heading for Ronon's head. He was up and almost at Rodney's side when it landed, hitting the ground a bare millimetre from Ronon's head, stray hairs still drifting back into place; the force of the staff passing having caused them to rear up. They were both battered and bruised, with some grazes from moves that had been just a little too close. Rodney was looking down at Ronon with a huge grin. "It was a good fight."
The last words were drowned out by whooping and cheering from the gantry. It seems word had spread and plenty had seen Rodney fight. Soldiers were stunned. Scientists were whooping, some were even giggling with some manic joy, which Sheppard supposed was from watching the best scientist beat the best soldier on base, nerdrevenge, except it wasn't a scientist who had won, Rodney was a soldier now.
He looked back to Rodney. He should be proud of Rodney, he knew that, proud that he could hold his own.
But knowing what it cost him, he could only feel something break inside.
TBC.