THE CYNICAL SOLDIER

CHAPTER 12 Iss1;

They sat with Rodney for the rest of the day. They still couldn't really talk about anything so they played games and talked about inconsequential things. They ate dinner with him. Everything seemed to be going well, which is why it came as a shock when Rodney said, "You guys don't have to stay tonight," not looking them in the eye.

John couldn't reply. He hadn't left Rodney's side since they found him and although he would have to eventually, once he knew deep down that he was safe, it just felt wrong to leave him alone right now, especially when he had been alone for so long.

"We do not mind, Rodney. We would like to stay with you," Teyla said in her eloquent, melodic tones.

There was a heavy pause and Rodney looked cornered. Is he scared of us? And just the possibility of that hurt. Rodney seemed to gather himself before he spoke, "Well, I was thinking, if I am back home then I'm amongst friends and I should start to trust you, all of you. The Doc says it might take a while to get my memories back. You can't stay with me indefinitely." He gave a half laugh. It didn't sound sincere.

It was the kind of laugh McKay gave when he told the natives he really wasn't all that smart and no, he didn't know how to build bombs, or that he really wasn't all that important. In short, it was the nervous chuckle that he gave when he was out and out lying.

Trouble was that it left them nowhere. They couldn't call him on it and they couldn't ignore his request and stay. Teyla glanced at John, she had recognised it too. She smiled serenely and he recognised that one too. That was the 'placate the insane natives' smile. "We will not stay indefinitely, but what is one more night? We know that everything is still strange to you, Rodney. There is no shame in seeking comfort, not when we would gladly stay with you."

"Thank you, Teyla, but I have to do this sometime so I may as well do it now, before I become too dependant on you, before I have to have you here just in order to sleep."

And that was that. They had to go. Teyla nodded gently, "Okay, Rodney. If that is what you truly want," and John could hear how hurt she was that Rodney was lying to them, and surprisingly, judging by his guilty look, so could Rodney.

"I am sorry, Teyla. But this is something I really need to do." His blue eyes looked intently into hers, and the conviction was loud and clear, and for once, obviously from the heart.

Teyla nodded, "Okay, Rodney." She nodded, this time her smile was a little easier, "We will leave you. Sleep well."

Ronon stood still, arms crossed, staring at Rodney. Teyla placed a hand on his crossed forearms. "Ronon," she said softly, but sternly, with underlying affection.

"No," Ronon said, plain and simple. John heard everything that was unsaid, because the same thoughts were going round in his head. What if something happens and we're not here to save him, what if we lose him again. I don't want to go, I want to stay here where I can see him breathe and know he's okay. I don't want to go.

"It's not our choice, Ronon," Teyla told him, her voice heartfelt and sympathetic. "Come."

Ronon clenched his jaw but turned to leave. When they reached the infirmary door, they turned and waited for John.

He tried to make eye contact, but Rodney was studiously avoiding it. Just what are you up to now, Rodney? He sighed, frustrated. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay, buddy?"

Rodney glanced up at him, seeming suddenly relieved. "Yeah, John, see you tomorrow morning," he lifted a hand with a small wave and finally made eye contact.

"If you change your mind, Rodney, just call us, we'll be here, okay."

Rodney paused and then nodded, "Sure."

John nodded and left. He joined Teyla and Ronon, but stopped them halfway up the hallway. "He's up to something, I'm sure of it," he said quietly, casting a glance towards the infirmary doors as he spoke. "Can both of you stay here till I double the detail? And I need to speak to Zelenka to fix the jumper bay, make it McKay proof, if that's possible. I'll double the guard duty there too, just in case. Okay?"

They nodded, moving away to blend into shadowed niches in the well lit hallway. Honestly, if he thought about it too much, they were just a little too scary ninja. He radioed Lorne while he made his way to the labs.

Secure in the knowledge that all of the exit points would be taken care of, he accompanied Zelenka to the jumper bay to check security before returning to Teyla and Ronon to organise shifts between the three of them. It wasn't that he didn't trust his marines, but this was Rodney. The team always looked out for Rodney.

He was informed that Elizabeth was already in with Rodney. Teyla left for her quarters to sleep before her watch. John stayed with Ronon. He would have to update Elizabeth as to why every exit from the infirmary had a double detail on it and why Zelenka was working in the jumper bay, with yet another double guard detail.

**********************

Elizabeth sat down next to Rodney's bed, "Hello, Rodney."

"Hello…," he gave a tight smile, "Hi." Should he just say out right that he can't remember her name? He knows she introduced herself that first day, but with so much going on and so much happening since, he just can't remember her name. He tried to remember if anyone had used it at the briefing that morning but his thoughts were derailed as she spoke again.

She was smiling at him, an indulgent smile quirking her lips, "In case you don't remember, my name is Elizabeth Weir."

That was it. He smiled widely at her, waving a hand vaguely at his head, "Sorry," he said with a guilty shrug of his shoulders.

"No, Rodney. You have nothing to be sorry for. That first day must have been overwhelming for you, it probably still is."

Rodney huffed a laugh. "You could say that. One minute I'm told my name is Tomas and I'm following like a lamb to the slaughter to get my mind wiped and the next, my name is Rodney and I live in this amazing place, surrounded by people who missed me. People I don't even know keep telling me they're glad I'm back."

"We are, Rodney. When I think about how close we came to losing you…," her eyes glazed with unshed tears. She swallowed thickly and croaked a half laugh, "Sorry, mostly I just try not to think about it."

He couldn't look away from her eyes and the emotions so blatant on her face. To think that she could feel like that, at just the thought of losing him. He still couldn't reconcile the feelings these people had for a man like him, for a killer.

"Are you sure I'm the guy you're missing?" He asked hesitantly. The thought had been repeating in his mind. They seemed so sure, and yet they didn't seem to actually know him at all, always shocked when he displayed violence.

Her eyebrows climbed up her face in surprise, followed by a smile. "Yes, Rodney. We're sure it's you. There is only one Rodney McKay." The smile that quirked her lips implied there was more hidden behind those words, an inner joke that he just didn't get. "What makes you think that?" she asked.

He shrugged. "You all seem sure, but I just don't remember anything. That first day, there were snatches of memory, images moving so fast I couldn't capture a single one, like trying to hold onto fog. It was a little overwhelming, but nothing since. I wonder sometimes if the things here just remind me of home, maybe I come from somewhere similar and just happen to look like your guy." He shrugged again, self conscious. "The guy must be something special, you know, to have so many people miss him and I just have a hard time believing that I am that guy, I don't feel special at all."

Elizabeth pursed her lips and actually looked as if she was trying not to smile. He frowned at her. "I'm sorry. I don't mean anything by it." She bit her bottom lip smiling. "It's just that, well, you normally have a little bit of an ego. You're always telling me how amazing you are, and to be honest, you are a little bit amazing. Carson says that we shouldn't tell you anything about yourself. He says that the memories should all come from you. So, I can't really tell you, except to say that you are that guy, Rodney. We all know you and we couldn't mistake anyone else for you. Believe me when I say, you are unique, you are one of a kind."

He nodded. He was relieved that she seemed so sure. He still couldn't reconcile 'amazing' with himself. Going around telling people that you're amazing sounded like he was a bit full of himself, which again didn't reconcile with everyone's reaction to him, because surely that had to be annoying. Then again, if Sheppard was anything to go by, maybe none of these people reacted normally.

He just wanted to know now. He'd had enough of waiting. One answer just led to more questions, and if no one was going to tell him anything about himself, then it could take months or even years even to learn everything he use to be. It definitely confirmed his decision to go through with his plan. No more waiting.

"You never were a patient man, Rodney," Elizabeth said softly, and for an awful moment he thinks maybe she can tell what he's planning, but before he can say anything, she just continues. "I know this is going to be hard for you, to wait for the answers. If I know you, like I think I do, you probably have a hundred questions already and not knowing the answer to just one question would annoy you until you did get it. This is probably killing you."

He shrugged, "What can you do?" He said, hoping he didn't give himself away. "Not as if I have any other options," he said carefully. He needed to change this line of conversation and quickly, this was too dangerous. "If we can't talk about me, can we talk about you? What do you do here?"

She smirked. "I'm head of the expedition, Rodney. I'm your boss," and she chuckled at his 'O' impression.

"Expedition?" He queried, and then frowned, unsure if he had the correct meaning for the word. "Isn't that like going on a long trip somewhere."

She nodded, smiling, "Oh yes, that's exactly what it is, but I can't really go into that as it would lead to a lot of dead ends that would just infuriate you. I can tell you the basics though. I can tell you that we aren't from here. We came here from our planet to this abandoned city. We came to find its secrets and we found a home. You thrived here, Rodney. You found friends and some think you found magic. You're a natural at this, Rodney. You shine in Atlantis, and I've never known you to be as happy as you have been here, even with its dangers."

He frowned sharply, "Dangers?"

Elizabeth shoulders sloped as she deflated, sighing, "See, it's hard to say anything that won't lead to questions that I can't answer. I'm sorry, Rodney.

Rodney shrugged, desolately. Then he looked at Elizabeth out of the corner of his eyes and said softly, "How about if I promise not to tell anyone?"

She huffed a laugh, smirking. "No, Rodney. I want you to get better, I won't risk that. Doctor knows best."

Rodney huffed, frustrated but not angry. He couldn't be angry at Elizabeth. She was all soft edges and surprisingly easy to talk to. He felt like he could tell her anything, well, most things. He was annoyed that she wouldn't tell him anything though, that no one would tell him anything. They didn't seem to understand how lost he felt, how alone he felt when he only had the words of strangers to promise he belonged here.

The amount of trust it took, and the amount of restraint not to just take someone and ask the questions he wanted. He could do it so easily, he had learnt things, he was sure he could get the answers he needed. The only thing holding him back was that if they were telling the truth then he could actually hurt someone he cared about, without even realising it. No, it was better to stick to his original plan.

"I heard about your fight with Ronon," Elizabeth said, more to change the subject Rodney thought. "You're the talk of Atlantis, well to be honest, you were already the talk of Atlantis, coming back from the dead and all, but definitely surprised a few people… again."

Rodney frowned and then he remembered, "Carson said he always wins." It was half a statement and half a question for clarification.

She nodded. "Teyla's beaten him before, but you're the only from our homeworld to do so." She smiled widely, "It's going down in the history books. Mind you, so will the scientist's victory party by all accounts, and it's only been going for two hours."

"Why are the scientists throwing a party? Don't they like Ronon?"

"You're one of them, Rodney. You're head scientist on Atlantis, one of their own. They are celebrating your victory."

"I'm not a soldier?"

Elizabeth shrugged, "You didn't come here as a soldier, but some would argue that you are, to a certain extent. You definitely fight on the front lines, but underneath it all, you've always remained the scientist," her expression turned sad, "I didn't think anything could ever change that, I couldn't ever imagine you being anything else."

"I don't know what to think about that, to be honest."

She smiled, "Well, I can safely say that you've always been honest, almost to a fault," and there was that smile again, that spoke of jokes hidden behind the words. "We'll fix you Rodney, but I wanted you to know… whoever you are at the end of the ordeal, you will always have a place here."

He looked up at her, and couldn't help the words spilling out in surprise, "Even if I'm a killer?"

"Rodney, you only hurt people who threatened you. You've always had a hand in hurting our enemy, but only those who threatened us. Admittedly, never with a gun, never so personal, but I believe you're in there. That underneath, you're still you and I don't believe you would hurt us. You found your place amongst us once, you will do so again."

He nodded, "Thank you."

Carson interrupted then, "Hello Rodney. Elizabeth," he said as he approached the bed.

Rodney nodded in acknowledgment, eyes drawn to the equipment in his hands. Elizabeth noticed it to. She let her hands fall heavy on her thighs before she rose. "Well, I'd best be going. I'll see you tomorrow, Rodney. Sleep well."

"Night Elizabeth," he said, watching her leave her chair, but turning back to Carson before she reached the exit, "What's with the… that?" he asked as he waved towards the paraphernalia in Carson's hands.

Carson smiled, "I said I wanted to record your current memories, Rodney. I need a base line to judge your improvements by."

"Well, that's simple, I don't have any."

"Rodney, things have been hectic. Maybe you just haven't been still long enough to realise with so many other things to worry about. Also, I need to check your current levels of memory retrieval." At Rodney's sigh he continued, "Humour me, old friend, ay?"

Rodney rolled his eyes, "Fine."

Carson smiled wide. He handed the pads to Rodney, telling him where to place them. It was a small thing, allowing Rodney to put the pads on himself so he didn't have to deal with trusting someone else to lay their hands on him, but it felt huge to Rodney and he appreciated the gift.

Carson asked him questions, covering his experiences from when they rescued him to now. Asked him about referring to medicine as voodoo and what had been in his mind as he said it. About when he saw the puddle jumper, the stargate, people's names, the things he had done while he was here.

"Like I said, nothing." Rodney said, a mixture of frustration and disappointment in his voice as he removed the pads, handing them to Carson one by one.

"On the contrary, Rodney, there was always the possibility that they had wiped your memories completely, that there was simply nothing to retrieve, which I now know was not the case. There is still technology out there that is beyond our comprehension and I have learnt that everything is possible. I didn't want to mention it until I was sure, one way or the other."

"How… how do you know they didn't," Rodney asked hesitantly, the pain in his chest tight with anxiety. To never know, that would be unbearable.

"No, Rodney. Although you did not regain any memories as such from your experiences, you did sense feelings. I think this is because you can access your memories on a subconscious level, which implies that they are still in place, just inaccessible at the moment.

"How can you be sure?"

"How do you explain following your team home, Rodney? In your own words, you have no reason to trust anyone, and yet you followed strangers here, you sleep amongst strangers because something in here," Carson tapped his heart, "tells you it will be okay." He smiled wide, eyes twinkling, "which it will by the way." He looked Rodney in the eye, in doctor mode as he hypothesised. "I think that you trust us because on a subconscious level you can access them and you act on senses and feelings obtained from them, even if you don't realise it."

"So, if what you are saying is true, and you believe it is, I presume that you will be waiting for more results before you administer the cure."

"We don't know for sure it's a cure, Rodney, and yes I want to wait. Maybe you will regain more memories or maybe this will remain the extent of memory retrieval. Time will tell. We will continue to assess you on a daily basis and, depending on the results of the drug trials, we will make a decision when the drug is ready whether or not to administer it. I'll discuss it with you when the time comes. We'll get there, lad.""

Rodney just nodded. He knew the futility of arguing, and besides it was a moot point, considering his plans.

"Can I pull the curtain round again? I think it will help me to relax so I'm not jumping at every movement in the infirmary. I should sleep easier."

"Isn't your team staying tonight?" Carson asked, looking at him with worry. "Has something happened, Rodney?"

"No, no. Nothing has happened. I just thought that I should learn to trust all of you, so I asked them not to stay tonight. I don't want to become dependant on them in order to sleep."

Carson studied him and he remembered Sheppard saying they were the best of friends. He suddenly panicked that Carson would see what he had been able to keep hidden from all the others but the doctor just nodded with an indulgent smile, "Okay Rodney. My shift finishes now, but if you want me just tell one of the nurses and they will call me, okay?

Rodney nodded. "I will. Thank you, Carson, for everything."

Carson blinked, and then smiled. "Any time, Rodney. Night then, I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well."

Rodney smiled and nodded, "Night Carson."

Carson pulled the curtain round Rodney's bed, nodding to him as he stepped through.

Rodney squirmed down under the covers, no-one should check on him as he didn't have any physical ailments and needed no drugs administered, but he still preferred to replicate sleep, if only to avoid questions, and so he lay down with his eyes open as he listened to his surroundings and waited.

He watched the shadows move slowly across the ceiling, watched them grow as they swallowed up the daylight. He watched until it was safe, until till the infirmary stilled to the muted sounds of the night shift.

The infirmary was silent as he pulled back the covers, he paused listening, but the only sound was his heart beating rapidly. He slipped from the bed and moved to the curtains, but he paused at its edge as he watched the night duty nurse move over to make herself a coffee, her back to him.

He realised the sound of the boiling water would cover any sound his footsteps were likely to make, though he was sure he could move silently on these smooth floors. When he was sure the timing was optimum and he felt safe, he passed between the curtains and made his way to the back of the infirmary, following the route he had watched Carson take yesterday.

He paused as the doors opened before him, checking around him quickly. When nothing moved, he crept through the doorway. Unnerved as the doors closed behind him, he kept to the shadows as he moved down the stairwell in silence, only the sound of his heart for company.

He had no idea what to expect from this point onwards, still racked with indecision. The only deciding factor had been that he wanted to know, that he couldn't wait any longer.

The doors opened again at his approach and he paused. When nothing further happened, he ventured further and found himself in a square area that was empty, like a foyer. There was just an open door opposite. He moved towards it and peered into the room beyond; a laboratory. He was here.

He darted back out and leant against the wall, heart racing. He was sure the lab assistant hadn't seen him. He stood thinking about how to proceed. He didn't want to take this man's life, but neither did he want to return to his bed empty handed. If he was discovered on the return journey he would not get another chance.

Thinking about it, this could actually work to his favour. He was going to have to search the whole lab to find the drug, but now he could get this man to show him where it was. The quicker he was with the search, the less chance of discovery and the more chance of success.

He peered into the lab, the man still had his back to him. He saw a scalpel amongst other tools that lay on every workbench. They shone in the half light of the labs. Rodney moved quietly, picking up the scalpel without a sound. He could feel the cold steel against his palm as he closed his fist around it, extending a finger along its spine. It felt good to hold a weapon again, he felt safe.

He approached without a sound. The man continued working, the noises of his work seeming loud in the still laboratory.

TBC

(Sorry - set up took longer than expected. Next chapter should be worth the wait).