Thanks to my beta's who rushed this through today so I could post before the weekend. Hope you enjoy.
THE CYNICAL SOLDIER
CHAPTER 14, ISS 1;
While he waited, John pushed his emotions into boxes and pushed them deep, deep down. He was incapable of dealing with them. Everything was too much, just too much. As time passed he became more and more numb. He could see Teyla looking at him, with worry in her face. He put it in another box and pushed it away. He was fed up with feeling, fed up with hurting. He just couldn't do it anymore. He needed to function.
Elizabeth joined them just before Carson walked in the door, but he didn't speak immediately. He looked beyond tired, he looked like his best friend was dying and John couldn't deal with that so he filled another box and pushed it away. He stood up slowly, mechanically.
Carson sighed heavily and it sounded like his heart was breaking. "I know you want to see him, follow me." They all trailed behind him quietly, trepidation in their footsteps.
It was Elizabeth who spoke first, just as they were nearing Rodney's bed, "Carson? How is he?"
"He's, erm…" He took a deep breath as he walked round the far side of the bed, steadying himself for the things he had to say. John recognised it; Carson was trying to step back from the overwhelming emotions that clouded the mind and made it hard to think straight. He was failing miserably in John's view, but he managed enough to carry on. "We identified the drug he used to inject himself with. It was the cure."
John felt hope welling up inside him, but he pushed it away. He had heard him screaming, things that were supposed to help didn't make you sound like that. "But he was screaming. That was your cure?"
Carson's eyes bored into his, burning with indignation. "He wasn'ae supposed to take it in that form. If our hand had'a been forced, we would'a sedated him first. He's mae friend too; I wouldn'ae hurt him for anything, Colonel." The words were thick with Scottish anger and sharp, inflicted like a slap in the face and John knew he had earned it.
He nodded, suitably admonished with an apology in his eyes, while he wrapped up his guilt and the apologies that he couldn't voice in a box and pushed it away. He kept his eyes on Carson, knowing that if he looked at Rodney there wasn't a box big enough to put that in. He heard the gentle beep, beep of the heart monitor that Rodney was hooked up to and that was enough, better in fact, as it told him what he wanted to hear – that Rodney was alive.
Carson nodded back, with acceptance in his eyes as he continued, the angry Scottish brogue fading away. "There are many drugs that are actually poisons. Many of our current drugs have a base of narcotics or poisons. Botulinum, for instance, a gram of which could kill 20 million people, is used in an extremely diluted form as a beauty regime to remove wrinkles, relief of migraines, treatment for the spastic conditions of multiple sclerosis and cerebral palsy, and there were new uses being discussed as we left Earth."
Ronon stepped forward, "But, he has the cure. Regardless of how, he has it, so he will be okay now, right?"
Carson blanched, "We've had the results back from the original drug trials. They were inconclusive."
Ronon's voice rumbled, wariness in his tone, as if he already knew the answer, "What does that mean, inconclusive?"
Carson responded, "The drug didn't work in all the samples. The chemical blocker was only nullified in thirty percent of them." John felt a weight falling into his stomach at his words, like a stone dropping into a well and pushing all hope aside.
Ronon was a surprisingly optimistic soul though. "Okay. So, either he's in this thirty percent and the drug works, or he's not and we're back where we started, right?"
Carson looked down at Rodney, placing a hand gently on his wrist. He spoke as if Ronon hadn't said anything, "In the remaining samples, the cure either failed or altered the chemical's make up to something we're unable to recognise. We're trying to understand it now, trying to find another antidote to this new chemical, in case he develops that. I have people working round the clock and we'll keep trying till we find something that'll help." His words should have been fortifying, Carson working on something generally gave them all hope for success, but he sounded so weary and defeated that it was hard to find solace in them.
Elizabeth spoke softly, almost as if she was afraid of waking Rodney. "How is he now?"
Carson looked over his shoulder at them, "He's stable, unconscious and unresponsive, but stable. We can't do anything until we know which path the cure will take. I'm afraid our only hope now, is hope itself. All we can do is wait and see how it affects him and be prepared for a fight if it goes against us."
They all looked down at Rodney and John followed their gaze before he could stop himself. Rodney was lying still with only the movement of his chest to prove he was still amongst the living, and all of John's safe little boxes evaporated. He could feel himself falling apart as he was accosted by all of his emotions. "I can't be here," he croaked out, voice hoarse with emotions, "I have things to do," and he turned and left them standing around the too still form of his friend.
The knock at the door brought John back to his surroundings and he realised he was in his quarters, standing in the dark with no recollection of how he had gotten there, or how long ago he had left the infirmary. The repetitive knocking allowed him no time to remember either.
Trouble was, with awareness of his surroundings, came awareness of himself and the emotions he was trying to distance himself from come back with full force. He was in no state for visitors. Then he heard Teyla's voice, "John Sheppard."
It was spoken quietly, but it was his full name and he knew what that inflection meant from Teyla. She was not going until she saw him, even if it meant she had to climb in through the window. He opened the door, resigned.
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The doors slid open. Teyla saw that the room was dark, with just the light from the hallway spilling in. The silhouette of John Sheppard stood where the light met the dark. His face was in the half light and the pain of it brought tears to her eyes.
He is a strong warrior, with an inner strength that seems boundless, that has saved them all many times. Everyone here thinks of him as strong, as unbreakable but in many ways he is so fragile and no more so than when one of them is in danger. It is at these times she is most frightened he will break, break beyond repair.
She walked into the room, her movements slow and careful. As the doors closed behind her, the lights were brought up slowly, though still remained dim, John hidden in the shadows. "John," she said carefully.
"Don't," he rasped, and it was meant as a warning, but the voice breaking and the pain in his voice, negated it. She knows him, when he's like this he wants to run, this is when he is most fragile. She wanted to rush in and hold him, tell him that he's not alone, that they are all in pain. She wants him to know that they all dread a day without Rodney McKay in it, but she knew if she approached John like that, it would end badly. She moved to the bed and sat down quietly, and she waited.
She can see that John was thrown, having expected an argument. He was looking at her, frowning. When she didn't say anything, he sat down next to her. He was still tense, but she couldn't see that improving any time soon and it wasn't as if they had an infinite time to discuss this. Ronon would be loathe to leave Rodney's side, would not leave him on his own, but he would come looking eventually, and he would deal with this differently.
John is like Rodney in this respect. She knew if the silence stretched he would speak and her patience was rewarded.
"It just hurts too much," he said roughly and it's a sign of just how emotional he was that he's letting her in so quickly.
"I know John, he means as much to me."
"I know, but…" he pauses, "You and Ronon deal better. Ronon's lost his entire race for god's sake. I can't even comprehend that kind of loss. How do you move on from that?"
Teyla recognised the deflection tactic. Knew John was trying to talk about Ronon, talk about anything but himself. Sometime she wondered if he remembered she was amongst the most respected traders in the galaxy. "You move on because you have to, but every loss still hurts like new. You know that from last time, how we were all affected by losing Rodney."
"Oh God, last time." John stood up, and started to pace, "It took everything I had to carry on, and this time I know what's coming. I don't think I can do it again."
Teyla could see where John's thoughts were taking him, and she had to bring him back from those dark places. "He has not died yet, John. There is still hope and we should be there. You should not be here alone. Your place is with us at his side."
John nodded, "I know, it's just…" he stopped pacing and looked her in the eyes, "He's so still… and it's so much, I feel so much." He looked away as he gave an almost bitter, almost disbelieving laugh. "He's arrogant, selfish and egotistical. How does he get under your skin like this?"
She smiled gently, the answer was easy. "Because he is brave, and compassionate and funny and because when he loves you it is unbiased and all encompassing."
She saw John's lips tremble with emotion. He nodded as he sat down beside her again. "He is. He does. He's just so big and so loud that when he's gone the space is too large to fill. It's too big to ignore, and it's impossible not to know that he's not there anymore…and every day without him just hurts too much." She saw one of the tears in his eyes break free and tremble down his cheek, heard the breathy gasps as he tried to bring his emotions in check.
She nodded, and bit her lip as she tried to keep her emotions reined in. John needed her now and she would do her crying later. Her voice turned intense as she stressed, "He is not dead yet, he has not gone yet. We still have hope, and we have survived without even that in the past. We thought we had lost him once, we have him back and we should be at his side holding on with everything we have. You should not let him go so easily."
"Let him go easily?" John asked her in disbelieve. "Nothing about this is easy. If I thought it would make a difference, I would hold on tight and never let go, but it doesn't, nothing makes a difference. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I feel so useless down there. Do you know what I would give, to be able to do something, anything?"
"I know, John," she stressed, trying to placate him. "We are all people of action, we would all prefer to be doing something, and you can, John. There is no one to fight, but does that mean that you should do nothing? Sitting vigil at Rodney's bedside is a small thing to do, surely, when the only alternative is nothing?"
John sighed deeply, nodding as he sat down next to Teyla. "And I will do, but I need time to deal with this. You were a leader of your people, Teyla. Surely you understand that I can't let the people under me see me like this?"
"You cannot let them see that you care, John?"
"I can't let them see that I care for any one person more than another. I am Military Commander of this base and I should care for them all equally. When I'm forced to leave someone behind, I don't want their friends asking if I would have done the same if it'd been you, Ronon or Rodney."
"No one would think that of you, John. You would never leave someone behind if there was a way to save them." She knew this, had witnessed it for herself the lengths he would go to, to bring someone home.
John looked away, his voice was low but she could hear a fear in it, "Sometimes I wonder… sometimes I wonder what I'd count as a fair risk to get any of you back, because I've lived without one of you for three months… sometimes I think I would risk too much, risk everything and that… that scares me."
She placed a hand on his cheek, guiding his face back to hers, so she could look him in the eyes. "The oath we took, myself and Ronon, the oath we made, 'Whatever it takes'? It wasn't just for Rodney, it was for any one of us. I know I would risk everything for any of you and anyone here who says that they do not know someone they would risk more for does not speak the truth."
"I…," he bowed his head and when he raised it, the look in his face was embarrassed and pleasantly surprised, "thank you… it means a lot to have your friendship, Teyla. But, you see, even if that's what I feel, I don't have the luxury of showing it. As Military Commander they have to be equal, if I want the respect of my men, they have to believe that, and if I go into that infirmary in this state, they'll know. I have to be in control, even when I'm not."
"You should be there, John. Everyone knows the friendship you and Rodney share and they will expect you there. What would you rather, that they see you care too much? Or, that you don't care enough?"
John blinked; obviously the thought had not occurred to him. He took a deep breath, "Okay, Teyla. I'll come back to the infirmary, but at least let me freshen up a bit first." He smiled at her doubtful face, "I promise, whatever it takes, I'll be there."
She smiled widely as she pulled him into the Anthosian greeting, hoping it gave him the strength she always gained. "Very well, John. I will see you soon," and if she stressed the word soon a little, well, she knew him too well.
It brought a brittle smile to his lips, so it was fine. She stood and went to the door, but turned at the last moment, "will you be alright, John?" she asked gently, almost a whisper.
"Would you and Ronon allow anything else?" he asked with a smile on his lips. She hated his false smiles.
No, we would not. "That is not an answer," she pushed, knew the futility of it when the answer would only be 'fine' - yet another lie that would hurt, because it meant he still didn't trust them as he should.
She saw John swallow before replying. He looked her in the eyes, intense with sincerity, "I don't know, but I will try."
She blinked in surprise and then nodded. "Thank you." Thank you for telling me the truth, for letting me in. She left him then, returning to the infirmary. As she turned into the infirmary hallway, she saw Radek. He was hovering, just this side of the door to the infirmary, and he looked indecisive, shifty almost.
"Radek?" She queried.
Radek twisted round, startled, to face her. "Oh, Teyla. I know you said Rodney, he was not ready, but I heard about what happened and I had to come, yes?"
She frowned as she tried to remember when and if she had ever said that Rodney wasn't ready, and then she remembered it was when he first stepped foot on Atlantis. Radek must have misconstrued her frown as he stepped forward, with a plea in his eyes, "I will not stay, I just need to see, yes, for myself."
She reached him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Radek, of course you can see Rodney. I only said that because he was so overwhelmed that first day. I never meant to imply that you should stay away. You are his friend, Radek. You will always be welcome."
Surprise flashed on his face, to be followed by relief, "Then I can see him?"
She smiled, "of course, Radek. Come with me." He followed her into the infirmary, his footsteps still hesitant, causing him to fall behind. Teyla nodded at Ronon's unspoken enquiry regarding John, he will be here, she conveyed silently as she took a seat, casting her eyes back to Radek.
As he approached the bed, he watched Ronon carefully, as if expecting Ronon to send him away. Radek stood at the end of the bed, looking down on Rodney. He looked so sad, and when he spoke, his voice was soft with regret, "I wish I had come before… when I could have talked to him and heard his voice. I wish…," he sighed deep and full of remorse, "How is he?"
"We are waiting. He injected himself with the cure before it was finalised. There is a chance the cure will work. There is also a chance that it won't, or that it turns into something else that will make more problems. Carson is working on something to fix it, if it does go bad. We are just waiting and hoping that the cure works."
She indicated for Radek to take the seat next to her. He hesitated as if unsure of her sincerity, but eventually moved over and sat down. She placed a hand on his forearm, "Radek, I am sorry that you misunderstood me, I never intended for you to stay away. But, you will speak to him again. We have to be strong for him, hope for him."
Radek nodded, "Yes, he is always pessimist. We will be optimists, he will hate that. He will get better, and you have nothing to apologize for. I should have come anyway. He's my friend, and I should not have let anything keep me away."
There was a pause as they all sat in silence, caught up in their own thoughts. With just the sounds of the infirmary to fill in the background while they watched Rodney lie too still and listened to him be too quiet.
Radek spoke softly again, "I think that is what I missed most, while he was gone. Talking, discussing things with Rodney is unique. Everyone else is far too much sensitive. With Rodney you don't need to guard your mouth, you can talk thoughts as you think them. It is much faster way to work, it is pure science," he smiled distractedly, his thoughts obviously turning inwards towards a happy memory, "not held back by baby soft sensibilities".
She smiled, recognising a Rodney McKay quote when she heard it. She turned to look at Rodney as her memory passed through the years and she spoke softly as well, "I do not think there was a 'thing' I missed, I just missed Rodney. He runs through life with grabby hands," she smiled at the Earth expression Rodney had inadvertently taught her with 'Colonel Grabby Hands'.
She continued, trying to explain her thoughts, "He is always moving as though time moves too slowly for him, and then he'll just stop and listen to you or he will insult you and then stumble as he tries to take it back, and that's how you know. He would never admit it, but that is how you know he loves you. I missed that. I missed Rodney."
Ronon shrugged, "I missed him. I was surprised how much. He's staying this time. He won't die again."
Teyla managed to still the shocked laugh before it escaped. She actually found it endearing that Ronon stated it as though that was the end to it. She could just imagine him threatening Rodney with a sparring session if he even thought about dying again. She smiled across the bed at him, "no, he won't." Whatever it takes, we will not lose him again.
***************
Carson sat in his office. He wondered if they knew he could hear them. When the infirmary was quiet like this sound traveled no matter how quietly the words were spoken. Something about the acoustics of the infirmary seemed to drag the words into this central office.
He knew he was hiding, knew he should be out there, but he couldn't, not yet, and the topic of conversation wasn't helping. There wasn't a single thing he had missed about Rodney, it had been everything. The list was too long to mention.
During those three months he felt as though he had lost something precious and definitely irreplaceable. He had dealt with Rodney on his deathbed before, but his training as a doctor, the process of actually fixing him, helped keep an emotional distance.
He was having trouble dealing now, though. His earlier snap at John had told him just how much. Yes, John should have known better, but at the same time, Carson knew he wasn't dealing well either. He reckoned the reason was the same for both of them. They had both experienced life without McKay, and had both realised how the thought of having to do so again filled them both with fear.
Carson kept trying to find the doctor in himself, the mask that he could pull over himself to hide the indecisions, the worry and the fear. He really wanted to just retreat and hide behind something right now, but he couldn't find that place. Every time he managed to find it, managed to put that mask on, one look at Rodney and it would dissipate and fade away.
So, here he was, a grown man hiding in his own domain so that Rodney's friends wouldn't see how scared he was that they might lose Rodney again, so that he wouldn't take their hope away from them.
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Inside his quarters, John had paused at the closed doors. He was still a mess inside, but his mask was back in place and it felt more secure than it had in days. He had been pulled apart and had slowly put himself back together, building a wall around himself.
He steadied himself and forced looseness into his body and relaxed his face. He took a deep breath and opened the doors, and then forced himself to leave the safety of his quarters.
He made his way to the mess, intending to bring food and drink to Teyla and Ronon. He could admit to himself it was a delaying tactic and knew Teyla would see it for what it was, but at least it was a practical one.
He took his time selecting the food and drink, nodding in acknowledgment to the people who greeted him along the way. Even dragging his feet, or ensuring he didn't spill the drinks as he preferred to think of it, he still reached the infirmary's doors' too soon.
He was still dawdling, about to enter while trying to find any reason not to, when he heard the gentle beep, beep, beep that had given him so much comfort turn into a single tone that filled him with dread. Alarms started and instinct took over. Rodney was in trouble and Sheppard did what he always did – he rushed to Rodney's side.
TBC