Thanks again guys to for your support and your comments which make my day. Thanks to the beta's for making it readable. The end is nigh...I think.
THE CYNICAL SOLDIER
CHAPTER 15, ISS 1;
As John rushed through the infirmary doors it looked like chaos, but then he saw the order of it. Teyla and Ronon backed away from the bed as nurses moved in to replace them.
Teyla and Ronon came over to him and that's when he realised he'd stopped. His hands gripped the tray so hard they were turning white with the pressure, as he watched the nurse cut through Rodney's scrub top. He could feel fear reverberating through him, and the tray trembled in his hands. Ronon reached out and gripped it, "Sheppard," he said softly, but sternly. John turned to him in a daze and followed his eyes to the tray. He nodded silently and released his grip. Ronon took it, but it still trembled in his grasp as he pushed it on top of the nearest cabinet.
Teyla moved in front of him and ran gentle hands down his biceps before she moved to his side. John only had eyes for Carson working 'hands only' CPR on Rodney. His face was white as a sheet as he shouted for epinephrine and to charge the defibrillator, all without taking his eyes off Rodney's slack face, even when the nurse injected Rodney with the epinephrine.
Time seemed to stand still and Carson was the only thing moving in the world, in John's world. The only relevant movement as everything else seemed to fade away. John could feel his heart in his throat as he watched Carson stop to check Rodney's chest with the stethoscope, then followed his gaze to the monitor to see the single flat line morph into a line of multiple v's, as the CPR started to work.
If anything, John tensed even further. He knew from awful experience that the fight was far from over. Rodney was now coded, breathing but with no pulse. He watched as Carson took the paddles from a nurse and rubbed them together, spreading the conductive gel. "Clear!" he shouted and, with a quick glance to check that they had, he placed the paddles on Rodney; one along his left ribs and the other on his right chest.
Rodney's body thrashed, like a shaken rag doll, and then fell back against the bed, limp. Sheppard took a step towards the bed, but Teyla halted his progress with a hand on his arm. The monitor bleeped once and then returned to that dead tone for a split second – the tone that made the hairs stand up on his body - before returning to the tone that told them Rodney was still coding.
He heard a gasp followed by an accented whisper, "Nooooo." He turned towards the sound and saw Radek leaning against the wall. He hadn't even noticed him before now. Radek's glasses reflected the infirmary lights but Sheppard could still see his blue eyes riveted to Rodney, his hands wringing together and his body lax with defeat against the wall.
"Clear!" Carson's shout echoed across the infirmary. Sheppard's eyes were drawn back to Rodney, just in time to see his body fall limp again. "Charge," Carson shouted as he reached for his stethoscope and checked Rodney's chest for a heartbeat. John could feel a weight in his stomach at the look of defeat on Carson's face, watched the slow burn of frustration appear.
They were running out of time. Carson took the paddles from the nurse again and hurled them against Rodney's body, "Breathe, damn you, brea…" Carson broke off when emotion got the better of him, pursing his lips together. It was there, clearly visible for everyone to see as the physician's mask faded away. Their eyes flicked to his face in shock, but they all quickly averted their stares, pretending not to notice the look of anguish on Carson's face.
Sheppard's eyes remained on the monitor, you heard him, breathe, damn you. The monitor beeped and then… beeped again. Everyone in the room straightened, you could hear a pin drop as the next second dragged by… beep. Carson was whispering commands to his staff, disbelief clear in his voice as the monitor continued to beep rhythmically and stubbornly and gloriously in the background.
Teyla grinned widely. Ronon straightened and reached out, he clasped both John and Radek by the shoulder. It actually hurt, but Sheppard was busy dealing with the pain in his chest. Slowly the nurses faded away with worried glances towards Carson, who stood in his own world as he watched Rodney breathe.
The team slowly approached, each placing a hand somewhere on Rodney's body, each needing the contact, the confirmation that Rodney was still with them. John fancied he could feel the life in Rodney's body under his fingertips. "Carson?" he asked, hesitantly. He figured, hoped, that would be enough. That Carson would understand what he needed to know.
"I don't know," Carson replied, still heavy with defeat, as he turned to them and seemed to notice the others for the first time. He seemed to realise that he needed to elaborate to those who maybe didn't hear John's question as clearly as he had. "He seems stable now, but I don't know if he'll have another episode or, as yet, what caused this one. Although, it wasn't unexpected, considering he has poison running through his system and that is the most likely reason for his heart... his heart stopping." Carson took another breath, before continuing, "We're hoping he'll be out of danger in roughly twelve hours and then we'll know how the drug affected him."
John nodded. Twelve hours. He knew how things could change in five minutes, let alone twelve hours. They moved silently to chairs around the bed. Zelenka appeared and slowly sat down, looking at each of them. John didn't know why, but he thought he could see a question in his eyes, seeking permission to join them. Stupid idea, but John nodded to him just the same.
Then he turned his eyes to the monitor. He just sat watching the line jump, and every time it did, the tension in his chest eased a little more. Eventually, he followed the cables to Rodney's chest and watched it move up and down, listening to the steady beeps.
He steeled himself and looked up to Rodney's face. It was so still and unnaturally relaxed, nothing to say if he was alive or dead, and he had to quickly lower his eyes back to Rodney's chest. Obviously too soon. So he just sat and watched Rodney's chest rise and fall and listened to the beep of the heart monitor as he let the minutes drag by and tried not think about the hours.
He had no idea how long he'd been lost in the sounds of Rodney's breathing when he heard the sound of Radek rising, bringing his attention back to the here and now. "I have to go back to the labs, there is still work that has to be done. I will call back in the morning, yes?"
John, for once, didn't know if it was just his accent or if he was actually asking for permission, "Sure, Radek. We'll see you in the morning."
"We will radio you, if there are any changes," Teyla told him.
Radek nodded and left. John looked to the windows, only to realise that day had been chased away and replaced by an inky night sky.
"Same shifts as before?" Sheppard asked, already glancing to the beds on each side to make sure they were free. He was actually looking forward to getting his head down and finding a place where Rodney wasn't dying, where he didn't just have to stand by and watch. Whatever nightmares his dreams brought, they had to be better than this slow torture.
Ronon shifted uncomfortably, "You'd still trust me to watch him?" he rumbled.
Sheppard looked at him and frowned. He replayed Ronon's words in his mind, Nope, still no idea, "What?"
Ronon looked at Rodney, "This happened on my watch. If I'd checked earlier, he wouldn't be lying here now."
Sheppard wanted to kick himself for not finding the time to have this conversation earlier. He wished he could have taken back the accusing glare he'd thrown Ronon, a moment of anger when they had found Rodney missing.
"I trust you with my life, Ronon. I definitely trust you with Rodney's. Yes, I was frustrated you didn't check behind the curtain, but I know Rodney better than most and I know if you had checked on him and stopped him, he would have found a way to do this eventually. We were here because I hoped we could stop him, but in truth he's sly and stubborn. We were just here to catch the pieces, to minimise the fall out."
John leaned forward. He needed Ronon to understand that the next part came from the heart, "The first day I met you, I trusted you to watch over Rodney. That will never change because I know you will always protect him, okay?"
Ronon nodded, "I will."
Teyla smiled across the bed at Ronon, "I told you, it would be fine."
Ronon nodded to her, "You did." It might have been John's imagination, but Ronon sounded a mixture of resigned and annoyed, and he couldn't help the smirk that flashed across his face.
"Well, now that's settled, we'd best call it a night," he rose, nodding to Teyla, "Wake me when it's time… unless something happens."
"Of course, John," she admonished. John nodded and crawled onto the bed behind her, hearing Ronon climb onto the bed on Rodney's other side. They both lay back like sentinels by Rodney's side as Teyla watched over him. John lay still, staring at the ceiling.
Next thing he knew he was fluttering his eyes open as he uncurled sharply out of a foetal position, sitting up disorientated and groggy from sleep. There was a half beat of an alarm that was quickly cancelled, leaving a heavy silence to the air. Then his mind identified the sound he could hear, bringing memories with it. The stucco tone that told him Rodney was coding again.
He twisted round sharply, all vestige of sleep gone. He dragged himself quickly to the edge of the bed as he swung his legs over the side, where Teyla put a hand against his chest. "They are already working on him, John." He didn't move beyond that, frozen in place by the nurses and Carson bustling around in front of him. He pushed his palms into the mattress and curled his fingers around the edges, nails digging into the mattress.
He felt Teyla's fingers wrap around his wrist as she leaned against the bed. He looked over to her, but her eyes were riveted on the drama in front of them.
"Clear!"
He turned back sharply and watched Rodney shake as the current ran through him. It was more traumatic this close. He could see Ronon mirroring his position on the other side. Emotions were like a maelstrom inside him and yet simultaneously a part of him was stepping back, numb, unable to do anything but watch the nightmare unfold in front of him.
Beep… beep… beep.
Rodney was back after only one attempt this time. He realised that he was trembling, and then he realised that Teyla was too, almost imperceptible, but with her small hand still gripped tightly around his wrist he could feel every tremor. The nurses left, fading away beyond his conscious thoughts. He looked over to Carson just as Carson looked over to him. He'd bet a month of Sundays Carson was shaking too. "I think he's getting stronger, but only time will tell. You should all get some sleep. Tomorrow could be a long day."
It was Teyla that responded. "We will Carson, and so should you."
Carson nodded, and with a last look at Rodney, he retreated to his office. John bet there was a cot in there that he wasn't using. He sat, dazed, and watched Rodney breathing, until Teyla moved in front of him and lifted his head so she could place her forehead against his. He sighed deeply, "He's still alive, we're holding on to him." I'm not going to run, he told her in his head.
She pulled away, smiling at him, as if she had heard it.
He shrugged self-consciously.
"It's not your shift yet, John. You should go back to sleep."
He cast a look over at Rodney, shaking his head. Want to stay here and watch him breathe.
"It's my watch, John. Are you saying you don't trust me to watch him and keep him safe?"
He frowned at her. He didn't even need to say it. Hell, no, never.
She smiled, "Good, then you can go back to sleep, secure that he will be safe."
He narrowed his eyes at her and ignored Ronon's deep chuckle from the other bed. "Wordy minx," he muttered as he swung his legs back onto the bed and lay down, curling back into his previous position.
"What is a minx?" Teyla enquired.
John looked at her over his shoulder, "Well, I'd tell ya, but apparently I have to go to sleep now." He turned back and burrowed into his pillow.
He could hear the soft smile in her voice when she replied, "Yes, you have."
He huffed as he plumped the pillow under him. Silence seemed to sneak in and envelop him, making the beep of Rodney's heartbeat seem so loud. He closed his eyes, and then opened them. He turned over to look towards Rodney, but his view was blocked by the privacy curtains stored there, and he knew that even if he moved there was the bedside cabinet beyond. He lay there a little longer, telling himself how stupid he was, before giving into the urge to actually see Rodney.
He picked up the pillow and swapped ends. He ignored Teyla smiling at him, too self conscious to admit what he was doing and why – it was paramount to sleeping with the closet in sight in case of monsters. He had to do this though, because this way all he had to do was open his eyes and if he looked down and across, he could see Rodney diagonally from here, as well as the monitor that stood above and behind him, and the sense of comfort that gave him was what he needed to breathe.
He moved the pillow so he could lay with Rodney in his line of sight. He closed his eyes. He told himself that this way he would be able to see him straight away if the alarm woke him up again. What if it didn't?
He opened his eyes at that unbidden thought, staring across at Rodney. What if Rodney dies while I'm asleep? What if he goes and I'm not here to say…? He sat up straight, swinging his legs over the side, pushing the thoughts away. I don't need to say goodbye, he's not going anywhere, he thought angrily at himself.
Teyla turned to look at him, the silent enquiry in her eyes.
He glanced at her, "I can't…" he rasped, and then returned his gaze to Rodney, "Not while… I can't." I can't take the chance that I'm not here.
She nodded silently and patted the seat next to her. He moved silently to the chair and sat down. He looked over at Ronon, "at least one of us is getting some sleep,"
"Ronon does not sleep either," Teyla said softly. John nodded, Of course not. If he'd thought about it, he would have known 'd known that none of them could sleep after nearly losing Rodney three times. Twelve hours, no… what? Six? Seven? How long had he been asleep? It was going to be a long night, followed by a long was torture to just sit watching and waiting, but the alternative couldn't be contemplated.
John glanced over at Carson's office and saw the light still on, Should I?
He looked back to Rodney again, gaining peace in the gentle rise and fall of his breathing while his mind turned, remembering the look of anguish on Carson's face. Maybe he wants to be alone, like I needed to be alone earlier?
He glanced back towards the office. Where I'd still be hiding if it wasn't for Teyla dragging me out, because this is where I should be.
He returned his gaze back to Rodney. Maybe he just sleeps with the light on. Maybe he's asleep and beyond the pain of this.
After a while he turned and stared at the lit office. He shouldn't be on his own, not when we are all so near. He should be here with Rodney, with us. He doesn't need to feel like that alone. I told him earlier that I wouldn't let him go through that single-handedly again.
And so it went. Reasons why he knew he shouldn't let Carson mope all by himself and reasons why he remained sitting where he was. He felt Teyla's hand on his arm, "John?"
He looked at her and knew what she would do, what she had done earlier for him. He rose up from his chair. "I'll be back in a minute." He nodded to her before turning and making his way to Carson's office. He stood in the doorway watching Carson.
He was sitting at his desk, still in his lab coat, leaning heavily on his forearms as he bounced a pen with one hand against the base of his thumb on the other. The cot in the background was untouched. He was looking ahead, staring into nothing. Judging by the look on his face, it wasn't a nice place to be. He looked lost, lost in way John had never seen him.
John was filled with trepidation. He just wasn't good at this comforting thing. He wondered if he should go and get Teyla, but looking at Carson he figured if anyone should know how Carson felt it should be him. This wasn't so much sympathising as mirroring his emotions. Teyla had come for him and he should be here for Carson, just like he said he would be. He moved into the room, stopping about two steps from Carson, who was still lost in his own nightmare thoughts.
"Carson?"
Carson turned sharply to him, rising quickly, "What's wrong?" he asked as he looked past him towards Rodney, already moving towards the door.
Sheppard put out his hand, "No, nothing. Sorry. I just… I just came to see how you were."
Carson froze, and then visibly deflated, "Thank god. I thought…" He sighed, and then returned to his chair and slumped down in it. He flashed a quick smile at John, "I'm fine."
John knew that line, hadn't realised how infuriating it could be though. "Fine?"
Carson visibly pulled himself together, raising his chin, a move that reminded him painfully of Rodney. "Yes, Colonel, is there something you wanted?" John could see the Doctor's mask…and the cracks all over it.
Sheppard narrowed his eyes at him. Oh, like that,is it? "Yes, I was wondering what you were doing in here,all by yourself, when you could be out there with us. You were the one who told me I didn't have to mourn alone, now I'm telling you that you don't have to suffer alone."
Carson's blue eyes flicked up to Sheppard's face. There was a heavy pause before he spoke. "That's nice of ya, lad, but really, I'm fine."
"Uh huh." Sheppard raised an eyebrow at him.
Carson returned the gaze. Sheppard backed down. He was supposed to be helping the man, not standing toe to toe with him. "Look, I just thought, that as another friend of Rodney's, you'd prefer to be close and amongst other people that miss him, and feel the same things you're feeling."
Carson looked Sheppard in the eye and John held his gaze. "Like your heart is burning and your insides are withering away and breathing has never come so hard."
Sheppard swallowed, Yep, that pretty much summed it up. "Yeah, like that."
Carson swallowed and his face sneered in self hate and anger, "or do you mean that you hold the life of your best friend in your hands. That if you fail, nothing will ever be the same again. That if you fail, you will have lost the miracle of a second chance."
He bolted up and took the two sharp steps towards Sheppard so that he was in his face, his blue eyes sparking like lightning. "Or do you mean that you're hoping against hope that your cure fixes him and doesn't kill him, and that his last moments won't be spent writhing in agony from something you created? Like that, is that how you feel, Colonel? Like everything you've ever learnt is useless and you're just hoping for a miracle and trying to pretend that there is still hope when it left you long ago?" Carson's voice broke on the last sentence and he slumped back down into his seat, his eyes filled with unshed tears, lips pursed.
John could tell he had deflated, but he looked as if he still wanted to say something only the emotion was just too overwhelming to talk above it.
Oh, sweet Jesus. Fine, he could do honest. "Some of it. I feel useless here, but I still have to be here, as close to our best friend as I can get. Yeah, I feel like I let him down big time. Not counting the first time that put him in this situation in the first place, I still feel like I'm to blame for all of it. I posted guards, to stop this from happening. I knew he was going to try something and I should have had him restrained, or doped, or put the guard at the end of his bed. There are so many ways I could have stopped this, that I could have made it better, but we have to live with what we've got, so that's what I'm doing."
He closed the gap between him and Carson and sat on the desk, looking Carson in the eye. "Shall I tell you what we've got, Doc? We've got Rodney and we're not letting him go without a fight. He's breathing out there despite two attempts not to, thanks to you. You believe in your miracle if you want to, but me? I'm putting my belief in you because it's never failed me. Rodney will live, because no matter what you tell yourself, you will never stop hoping and you will never give up, and that's why I came in here. Because it's Rodney out there, so I came to see if you want to sit amongst his friends who know he's only here because of you and will never forget you for that."
Carson looked at him, stunned. He shook his head, and then stilled. He slowly looked back up into John's face, his voice soft and gentle. "And if I fail, John? If he dies, despite everything, will you still think I'm your miracle? Will you ever forgive me for that, John?"
"Honestly? I might blame you a little, but I would know you had tried everything and a little time would make that clearer. Initially I think I would just be too busy trying to breathe, trying to carry on to care for the how's and why's of it."
Carson nodded, taking a deep emotionally laden breath. "Thanks. For coming in here, I mean, and for being honest with me. You're right, the fight is far from over. This is the Pegasus Galaxy and he's already returned from the dead, so what's a little miracle like breathing, next to that?"
John smiled at him, "That's the spirit, Doc. Can you honestly see Rodney going quietly into the night?" he said with a smirk, and Carson huffed a laugh at the idea of Rodney going anywhere quietly. John's voice dropped, low and sincere, "We just have to do all we can do and hope it will be enough. So, will you come join us and hold on to him with everything we've got?"
Carson smiled and nodded firmly, "Aye, lad. I can do that."
TBC