Sorry for the wait guys! I got a social life sprung on me which interrupted.... which makes a nice change. I keep thinking the next chapter will be the last chapter but it keeps on going so we'll have to wait and see what Chapter 17 brings. Anyway, thanks again to patient beta's and to all of you who are enjoying the story and taking the time to tell me so. Hope you enjoy-

The Cynical Soldier

Chapter 16

He stumbled from sleep, his eyes flicking open and closed as they adjusted to the lights. When he finally opened his eyes, he found himself looking at John.

His whole body flinched in surprise and Sheppard leant forward, "Rodney? You okay? Do you want me to get Carson?"

With his blue eyes wide as saucers he pointed at John in confusion, "You're John, no wait. You're Colonel John Sheppard," he finished deliberately.

He watched Sheppard's brow furrow as he tried to figure out the significance. "You normally just call me Sheppard," he said with a self conscious shrug.

"No," all his frustration thrust into that single word. "I know you're Colonel John Sheppard. I remember you're Colonel John Sheppard."

He watched John's face slowly morph from confusion to a dopey grin as he huffed a laugh. "Really? You remember me?"

Rodney smiled back, the broad smile that took up half his face and made his eyes light up from the inside as he nodded, "Yeah," he said, all the joy of the moment suffusing the word. The smile dipped slightly. "This is a good sign, right? I mean, this means it could all be back, right?"

"Yeah… least I guess so. I'd best contact Carson, let him know. He's in the mess grabbing some breakfast." Sheppard tapped his ear piece and called Carson directly. Rodney could only hear Sheppard's side of the conversation.

"No, no, everything's okay, better than okay. Rodney just woke up and he remembers who I am." He was pretty sure he hadn't imagined the smugness in that last bit.

"Yes, I know you only left five minutes ago."

John huffed a laugh as he responded. "No, I don't think he did it just to be annoying. You're not listening Doc. He remembers me."

"No, not from yesterday," John rolled his eyes dramatically while he talked. "He remembers who I am… from before… he remembers stuff." John smiled dopily at him.

"Erm, I don't know… hang on." Sheppard's face looked slightly more serious as he directed the question to him, "Carson wants to know what you remember about me." He shrugged.

"Oh, erm, let me think." His hand flew between the two of them. "We're friends. I remember that." Least I think we are, oh, that could be so embarrassing. Rodney darted a startled, self conscious look at John, waiting for him to deny that. After a heavy pause in which Sheppard just smiled crookedly at him, Rodney figured he had it right.

I've got a best friend, and then he just felt so much like a 13 year old girl that he got a little bit flustered and tried desperately to think of something else. "Erm, you're the military leader here." He furrowed his brow and said hesitantly, "You like a man dressed in black?" Then it suddenly fell into place, "you like his music… for some ungodly reason." In fact, Rodney couldn't remember his music, but he remembered that he liked to imply that it was rubbish so he went with that.

Sheppard frowned, "Hey! The guy's a legend," he groused as he tapped his radio, "He remembers I like Johnny Cash." After a slight pause he continued, "Yeah, figure that does prove it. Pretty sure that falls under 'not widely known in the Pegasus Galaxy'… Yeah, sure, I'll tell him." He tapped his radio and closed down the link. "He said he'll be here in a …," they both turned and watched Carson walk in the door at emergency speed.

Rodney snapped his fingers and pointed at him, "You're Carson Beckett, you like sheep. AHA!" The thought had worried him a little till he remembered the banter, relived a scene in his mind and knew it was right, it was expected. He snapped his fingers at a passing nurse, the sound caused her to stop and look towards him as he pointed at her. "You're," his face fell. "Okay, I have no idea who you are." Somehow he made it sound like it was her fault.

"That doesn't mean anything, Rodney." Sheppard said as he smiled and nodded to the scowling nurse by way of apology. "Chances are you never knew her name. Names were never top of your list," Sheppard said as he turned back to him, smirking.

Carson had now approached the bed, "If we can try to bring a little medical exploration to this rather than just pointing at things and asking if you know what they're called," Carson snapped, bristling.

Rodney looked at Sheppard, both raising their eyebrows, smirking. Rodney was still riding on a wave of euphoria. He remembered John, remembered they were friends. They hadn't lied. He belonged here, was safe here. At last he was home and everything they had promised was his, nothing was going to ruin this mood. In fact he was having trouble containing the giggles that kept threatening to explode, his mood was so high.

"Right," Carson said. "I think we've established that you remember John, to what degree we have yet to determine. Can you tell me if you remember who you are, anything about your family?"

"Yeah, what's your sister's name?" Sheppard asked, still bouncing.

"I… I have a sister?" He asked and he couldn't help sounding so desolate. He couldn't remember a sister. How could he forget his own sister? What kind of person did that make him that he could forget his own flesh and blood?

"Colonel!" Carson admonished sharply. He sighed heavily. "This is not a quiz, Colonel. It is very important that he finds the answers himself so we can monitor his current status and his improvements." He turned away from Sheppard who wasn't bouncing anymore, he was looking at Rodney like he'd just hit him and wanted desperately to take it back.

Carson turned back to Rodney and said gently, "You haven't seen your family for quite a while. It's only natural to begin with things that are more recent to you. Now, can you tell me what you can remember about yourself first, then any family members? After that, I want you to tell me your earliest memory and if you can put a date to any memories you do have."

His heart suddenly fell into his stomach as a horrible thought occurred to him. "She wasn't with me, was she? She's not still there! Tell me we didn't leave her there!"

Sheppard was pushing him back onto the bed, as he tried to get out, tried to do something, anything. "No, no, you were alone, she wasn't with you. She's safe, Rodney. Jeannie is safe. She's on Earth, she's safe."

He fell back against the bed as images flooded his mind. He saw a small girl with blonde curls and an angelic face, with blue eyes that took in everything around her and looking at him like he was her hero. Suddenly, a grown woman, throwing physics books at him with tears in her eyes and looking at him as if he had ripped her heart out and stamped on it. Then she was here in Atlantis, hugging him and he remembered the love that flooded through him, relived it again, unable to figure out how he could have felt warm before knowing this feeling. Jeannie.

He looked up at John and Carson with watery eyes as they leant over him, oblivious that both of them had kept a restraining hand lightly on his bicep, wary of another attempt to leave the bed. "Jeannie, I remember her," he smiled a brittle smile, "Jeannie, my sister. She's amazing." He knew she hadn't been with him, but the worry about her welfare remained, "Where's Earth?"

Carson sighed and glared at Sheppard who looked back sheepishly. "Sorry, Doc," he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

They both released him and Carson sat down on the edge of the bed. "Now look, Rodney. Your sister is fine, she's safe. Now, I know you want to know everything… no change there. However," he said sternly, "you have to take things slowly. You have to allow your mind the time it needs to heal. We need to figure out what you," he stressed with a glare at the Colonel, "actually know now and we have to monitor the stimuli you receive. If this is rushed it can cause more harm than good. I really, really need you to be patient and let the memories return naturally. Let's learn to walk before we go off running, okay, Rodney?"

But he wanted to know so much, wanted to know everything. All the questions he had. He looked Carson in the face and saw he was ready for a fight. He gave a beleaguered sigh, "Fine," he snapped.

Carson nodded. "We should do another scan first and take another vial of blood today, so we can see what changes have taken place, okay."

Rodney nodded half heartedly. He knew he was sulking, but just couldn't seem to stop. Carson seemed to find his sulking funny if the smirk was anything to go by. "I'm going to get a tape recorder, I'll be back in a minute," he said as he stood up and walked to his office. He heard him talking to Elizabeth on his radio as he disappeared into his office.

He suddenly realised that Ronon and Teyla were sitting up on either side of him, grinning widely. He looked at Teyla, "Hello Teyla Emmagen of the Atheesan."

He heard Sheppard mutter, "Close enough," but chose to ignore him as he turned to Ronon.

"Hello, Ronon, Runner and warrior… and caveman?"

Sheppard snorted with laughter and Ronon barked out loudly in response, he almost missed Teyla's small giggle in the background. He glared at them, "What?"

"It's sort of an insult when you call him caveman. It implies he's just muscle and no brains. I don't think you've ever actually called him it to his face," Sheppard tried to explain through the laughing.

"Oh," Rodney said, blushing. Maybe Carson had a point. Maybe he should try walking before blurting out insults at people. Stick to names for now. He turned to Ronon sheepishly, "Sorry?"

Ronon's deep bellowed laugh petered out as he answered, "it's okay, McKay. I'm just glad you're back. It's been too quiet here and you've been gone too long."

He wasn't sure how to take that so he just nodded and smiled, feeling very self conscious. Carson came back at that point and unknowingly saved him, as he sat down with a pen, paper and a dictaphone and started asking questions.

Rodney had felt as though his mind was crammed full of memories. Images came one on top of the other, one name leading to a place, leading to an event, leading to a name, and so on. In the beginning he was eagerly answering questions, relaying memories. Amazed after all the darkness that he suddenly had light and colour in his mind; pictures flashed, he heard names loud and clear, felt different emotions evoked by them.

He seemed to have a timeline to his memories. Could remember how they related to each other, but as the questions progressed he soon realised that the gaps between memories were huge, and all too soon it became apparent that he remembered only a pathetic few. He scoured his mind for every last memory, every drop of sensation, anything that told him about himself.

The worst was when he had a memory but could only describe it, unable to name the people in it or where it took place. That made him uneasy. He couldn't help wondering again if they were actually his or something 'they' had put there. He hated not knowing. He wanted them to tell him his life so it would all slot into place and he would be able to spot any false memories, but he knew Carson wouldn't allow it and that made him angry. He started becoming despondent, snappy.

Eventually, Carson put down the dictaphone. "Let's take a break from this and move on to the scan and blood works, okay?"

"Why are you asking me? Like I have a choice," he replied sulkily.

"Rodney," Carson admonished.

He sighed in defeat. A lot of the flashes of memory had been Carson helping him and a little bit of guilt seemed to make it through the frustration and anger. "I just want to know," he started, wanting to make Carson understand why he was acting the way he was.

Carson sighed before answering. "I know, Rodney. As your friend I'd love to just sit you down and tell you everything, but as your doctor I know that this has to be done properly, and as your friend and doctor I want to do this properly. I want you to be you again. Just try to keep in mind that this is better in the long run."

Rodney nodded in resignation and bit down the sharp words on his tongue. He knew Carson was right, he just found it so damn infuriating. He got up and followed Carson to the scanner and lay down without a word. He heard Carson sigh before he moved over to the screen again.

When the scan was completed, Rodney joined him at the screen. Carson pointed to a little node encapsulated by larger nodes on the screen. "Okay, so the hippocampus is back to normal, which is good. However, we'll have to take a blood sample, as there is clearly still something holding back some of your memories."

Rodney scowled at him. "Got to say, Carson, this cure? Not so much."

Carson spun on him, jabbing a finger which startled him. "Don't even get me started on injecting yourself with unknown drugs… which we will be discussing at a later date, of that you can be sure, because you seem to be making a habit of it." Carson lowered the finger, much to Rodney's relief. He was going to point out that he could have someone's eye out with that finger if he wasn't more careful, but Carson just steamrolled on right ahead.

"So let's stick to the fact that it wasn't a cure, it was an initial drug trial which I think we may have mentioned once or twice, so I think maybe you should just be thankful you're not writhing in pain followed by death so, rather than complaining that the not death you're experiencing isn't as amazing as you though it'd be, I think you should just shut up and listen for a change."

Rodney blinked at him. Whoa! "Hmmm, okay, you may have a point, but in my defence I didn't remember the last time and I didn't know if you were telling me the truth."

Carson looked at him with a heavy pause, "You know, the writhing in pain followed by death is still a possibility," he told him, deadpan.

Rodney froze before he realised it was one of Carson's idle threats. "Oh, yes, very funny. Let's all mock the man who can't remember being mocked. That's very fair and mature."

Carson huffed a laugh and looked at him with a twinkle in his eye, smiling indulgently. Rodney smiled back at him. When Carson continued to smile, he frowned at him… and took a step back, right into the path of Sheppard.

Rodney jumped and looked up as Sheppard clutched him by the biceps and bodily removed him from his foot. Rodney leant back into John, "I think I broke him," he said conspiratorially as he nodded towards Carson, "he won't stop smiling."

Sheppard looked at him fondly, barely containing a laugh before casting his glance to Carson. John looked at Carson's face, and seemed to understand whatever he saw there, as his expression softened. "No, Rodney. I think you fixed him," he said gently with a knowing smile.

Carson snorted a quick laugh, "Och, man. Don't you know better than to feed the beast?" Rodney frowned, sure he had missed something fairly vital, and since when did Sheppard and Carson have secret conversations in public, and did Sheppard just chortle? His train of thought was derailed as the doctor gathered them up and herded them back to Rodney's bed, with his hands in the small of their backs.

Rodney squirmed as he turned towards Carson, lifting a finger as he did so. "Erm, you mentioned feeding?" he said hopefully, his stomach rumbling.

Carson helped him into bed, still smiling widely as he shared a quick glance with Sheppard before he responded, "Yes, Rodney. We'll put in an order for breakfast. No doubt your team will be with you as well." Rodney wasn't sure he liked his best friends having secret conversations without him. "I've called Elizabeth down and then I'll update you all together."

Rodney scowled. Great, more waiting. "It's my head! I don't see why I have to wait and whatever happened to patient confidentiality? Hmmm, out the window, when you think I don't remember it. Well I do, and for future reference, I remember the Geneva Convention too. So you can keep your big needles over there," he said indignantly as he waved a hand at the far side of the infirmary."

"Rodney," Carson tried gently.

"…You're supposed to tell me first. Besides, not sure I'll be able to eat while you're doing your voodoo chants, as that's bound to put me off my breakfast."

"Rodney," he tried again, a little sharper.

Rodney's train of thought went out the window as he had been distracted by, yes, Carson again. "What?" he snapped.

"God, how did I ever miss this," Carson's voice was a cross between frustration and affection.

Really? You missed this? Me too. Rodney could feel his lips start to curl up and soon put a stop to that. No one else around the bed seemed to have managed, though, as they were all grinning. "Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that didn't hurt at all. I presume you can fix the knife wound in my back after you fixed my brain… which while were on the subject, can you fix it? Or, do I have to carry around a photo album to remember what my mother looks like?"

He kept very still as he watched Carson. He tried not to let them see how completely terrified he was, or how painful that last remark had been. He couldn't remember his mother and he could feel a black hole inside, because everyone should know what their mother looked like. He had lifted his chin, holding it a little tighter, as he had felt his hold slipping slightly.

He had thought the cure was his answer, and the fact that it wasn't, that he nearly died for a few measly memories angered him deeply. Although, when he thought about what had almost happened, maybe it had been a fair risk, an even trade – to know that he belonged here – and he would have done anything to avoid what might have happened.

He still remembered everything - his thoughts and his frustrations. Most of all, he remembered when he thought of killing these people, sitting around him now with their gentle smiles. He felt guilty just having the though, and even worse, he knew there was a universe out there somewhere where he did the unthinkable.

Every thought has an action, and somewhere out there in another universe, a Rodney McKay had got his memories back and died a living death with the blood of these people, who he loves more than anything, on his own hands. And he knew how close this universe was to that one. Knew how close he came, and if this is all he gets, if his life becomes a mere shadow of what it was, it was still better than that.

For one terrible moment he thought he was going to break down and start crying, right there, in front of everyone. He tried to shake the feelings loose without shaking his head, without giving his fears away to those who care. Ronon Dex showed him how to accept the worst that life can give and carry on, and a part of him was already reconciled to the trade and yet still he hoped for more. He'd been trained to fight for survival by John Sheppard, to hope for the impossible by Teyla, so he couldn't help but hope as he waited to hear his judgement.

"As I was saying," Carson said pointedly, "before I was interrupted. I'll update you all together…" He waved a hand magnanimously at Rodney and bowed his head slightly in an over the top flourish, "If that's okay with you, Rodney," Carson straightened, as his voice turned professional again, "or if you prefer, I can speak to you privately first, but due to the nature of your condition I will have to disclose my findings." Carson had raised an eyebrow at him and waited patiently.

Oh, well, erm. No, this is killing me, I can't wait any longer. "Tell me now, here. Tell Elizabeth later anything she misses."

There had been a pause, like they were waiting for more. Carson blinked, "Erm, right." He had given Sheppard another of those silent glances that had begun to get on Rodney's nerves, and in all honestly it was probably more that, than impatience, that caused him to glare at Carson.

"As you know, Rodney, your hippocampus is back to normal, but you still only have partial memory retrieval."

"As you say, I know that," Rodney said sharply. Just tell me if this is it, God damn it. He had waved an impatient hand at Carson, indicating to just get the hell on with it.

Carson paused, his eyes full of sympathy. "From here it's just theory until we get your blood works done, but I suspect that the chemical is still breaking down. As it does so, more memories will become available to you until, eventually, your memories will be fully restored"

"You suspect?" That's the best you've got?"

"Aye, Rodney… and there's more. If I'm wrong, then either this is where you will remain or the chemical can still mutate…"

"Mutate?!" Rodney interrupted, "Are you telling me I could turn into bugboy?!"

"No, Rodney," Carson said emphatically. "As far as we can tell there is nothing in the mutated drug that should affect you on a physical level. But, as long as both the cure and the memory blocker remain in your system, there is a chance they could mutate to affect your brain in ways we are unable to determine."

"Can we stop calling it the cure, please?" Rodney's muffled voice said tiredly, from behind his hands as he ran them over his face.

"Well, we tried calling it the dangerous drug trials but apparently you didn't understand?" Carson retorted, and although it wasn't snapped, his anger was still tangible.

Rodney let his hands fall, dejectedly. He sighed, "Okay, okay. Rodney did a bad thing. Can we please move on? It's not as if I haven't given you enough practise at that…I think." Rodney sighed heavily. "So, just to recap, after the blood test you can see if the chemical is reduced, and maybe get a timescale for when the drug is out of my system completely. If it's already gone then this is as good as it gets. If it's still there, then my brain could mutate until it's gone, if it's breaking down at all. Is that everything?"

"You could code again. The drug was poison based, and as long as it remains in your system, you will be prone to coding."

Rodney went white and stared at Carson. All the anger and bluster went from his voice as he almost whispered. "I… I coded?"

"Yes, Rodney. Twice." Carson's voice was gentled again and full of concern. Everyone seemed highly emotional today as they switched from anger to concern to frustration at the drop of a hat, himself included.

"Did I, you know, flat line?" he asked, not that he really wanted to know, but he just couldn't seem to help himself.

"Aye, Rodney." Carson glanced quickly at Sheppard before glancing back to him again. "The first time you flat lined we managed to revive you but your heart was still coding. We used the paddles on you and you came back… on the third attempt. Then again last night, you coded and we used the paddles again. This time it only took one attempt to stabilise your heart."

Rodney just sat and stared at Carson, the words only just making it through to him after he'd been told yes. No matter how many times it happened to him, he still had trouble dealing with the fact that his heart had stopped. It just seemed so against nature to still be walking and breathing once your heart had stopped. It was like waking up and someone telling you that you're a zombie, the undead. It always gave him the heebie jeebies.

Not to mention the lack of oxygen to his brain. He couldn't help but think that one of these miracle saves was going to come too late and he'd be alive but brain dead - and that always sent chills to the deepest parts of his soul. He looked from Carson to Sheppard, mainly because Carson just did and he felt like he should be doing something. Sheppard looked like he was coming apart at the seams, and to be honest, Rodney couldn't understand why he didn't just up and run away like he normally did, like Rodney wished he could. But Sheppard stayed put with that determined look on his face like he was about to face down a hive full of Wraith.

Oh, sweet Jesus! He started to hyperventilate, panicking, and he knew it wasn't good for his heart; especially after two jump starts, but he couldn't help it. The images. The monsters that walked the Pegasus Galaxy, the stuff of nightmares, and they had their hands on him. He gripped the blankets on the bed and told himself it was in the past and that they couldn't touch him here, here in this bed, in the infirmary of Atlantis. He struggled to recreate reality around him. To block out these things that made his soul tremble, telling himself that he couldn't feel their decaying hands on his biceps as they dragged him towards his death.

He finally heard Carson's soothing voice, and although his heart was beating painfully, it had started to calm down. He followed Carson's voice back to the infirmary. He took in the precious lungful of oxygen that Carson was giving him. He wanted to rip the mask off his face and scream at them, but he breathed deeply instead. His anxiety turned to anger that they would let him come across that memory without warning, that his friends would let him face that alone.

Eventually, he was calm enough to take the mask off. "What was it, Rodney?" Carson asked, worry and concern evident in his voice.

"Wraith. You couldn't have warned me about the Wraith." His voice was hard like steel, fury laced in every syllable. "You'd let me face them, like that, and you call yourself friends."

Carson looked like he'd just been stabbed in the heart, his face crestfallen and distraught. Rodney felt guilty for that, but then angry that he should be the one to feel guilt.

Carson's voice was stricken when he answered, "I'm sorry, Rodney, but it has to be this way. If I could make it easier, I would."

Rodney glared at him. "So, can you at least tell me if it gets worse than that?"

Carson looked down, guilt in his face when he looked back up at Rodney. "There will be bad memories, Rodney. Your time here has been violent, but not all bad and I'm hoping it will be tempered by the good times. I won't lie to you, there are still bad things ahead, memories you had trouble dealing with the first time. We're you're friends and we will be here for you now, just as we were then. I doubt you will remember the actual abduction; in fact, I would be surprised if you ever do. We cannot warn you, or describe anything to you. The memories have to come from your own mind."

He could see Sheppard over Carson's shoulder, and he watched as John's eyes widened at the mention of the abduction that he had already told Rodney about. Rodney saw the minute shake of John's head and suddenly Rodney huffs a laugh, he just can't help it. There was a slight twitch of Sheppard's lips and a small shrug of the shoulders, and Rodney felt lighter inside. It was irrational, but it was there. This camaraderie, this childish nature that he and Sheppard shared, like little boys up to mischief, and he couldn't help but be warmed by it.

He didn't understand why he couldn't just be told, but he trusted Carson, and now the anger was gone he was willing to trust him again. He nodded silently and took a large sigh, "If you say so, Carson."

Carson made a deep sigh of his own, the guilt still in every line of his face, "I'm sorry, Rodney."

Rodney scowled and shook his head. He didn't want to spend hours discussing this, so instead he moved the conversation on. "How about we take that blood sample and see what the future holds."

Carson relaxed, smiling, "Aye, lad."

TBC.