Hi Guys. Sorry for the delay. It turns out this is not the last chapter and so it continues. I hope you enjoy. Thanks again for your comments - they really make my day.

The Cynical Soldier

Chapter 17 Iss2

Sheppard walked toward the infirmary deep in thought until Teyla stopped him. He looked up, still wrapped in his own thoughts so it took him a moment to realise why Teyla being here was wrong.

She should be with Rodney. They were doing relay shifts now, Carson no longer wanting them cat napping in the infirmary, they had been ordered to their own quarters to rest, with only one person allowed to stay with Rodney. He had been on his way to relieve Teyla.

Why was she here? Oh God. "What is it? What's wrong?" he asked, his hand unconsciously gripping her forearm as he tried desperately to prepare himself for the worst. So caught up in his own fears, he never noticed passers by slowing down, fear reflected in their faces as they listened unashamedly.

She placed a hand on his chest as she shook her head, smiling, "Nothing is wrong, John. Carson wanted to do a complete check on Rodney and by the time he finishes, it will be your shift. I have to meet with the marines," she said with a sparkle in her eye that made Sheppard jealous, because he sure could do with hitting hell out of something. "I just wanted to make sure you would not be delayed."

Thank God. He nodded, as everything inside sighed in relief, still oblivious to others around him as they relaxed and carried on their way. "I'm on my way there now, how is he?" he asked tentatively.

Her eyes turned sad. "He is scared and angry. He is verbally attacking the nurses and making jokes to cover how scared he is. He is very worried."

Sheppard nodded. "He's not the only one. He gets his results of the blood works back in the morning. He hates waiting." John swallowed down the emotions and thoughts. He wasn't going to think what if. It was going to be fine. The blood works would show the chemical was breaking down. They had to.

"I expected you to come down after I radioed you," Teyla said curiously, a question in her eyes. Was he running again.

Was he? Maybe. He'd been halfway to the door when he had stopped himself. Teyla had said Rodney had coded, but he was stable again by the time he had answered his radio and the message had been relayed. "If I had come down, Carson would have made me leave again… and I wasn't sure I could."

That had been the reason he had stopped. The idea of Carson getting John's own soldiers to remove him from the infirmary was not a good idea, because he knew that was the only way he would have left. Not to mention his soldiers having to drag their own CO out of the infirmary as he fought to stay. So he'd stayed where he was, pacing and waiting as the morning dragged by. Checking in with Lorne for anything he needed to be updated on, and checking that Lorne would cover for him by organising shifts for the remainder of the week.

Teyla nodded, understanding completely, the question no longer in her eyes. "I see, John."

"I'd best get going, Carson's probably done by now."

She pulled him into the Anthosian greeting and he sighed into it, needing strength anywhere he could find it at the moment. Teyla spoke, "I have asked Ronon to contact us when Rodney gets his results back, as it will be during his shift." They broke apart, and then with a nod and a smile, she sidestepped him and walked away. She didn't ask him to radio her if anything happened, she didn't need to.

He walked on, falling back into his own thoughts, his own fears and worries again. He looked up as he walked into the infirmary, seeing that Carson had finished and that there were no staff in sight. He saw Rodney alone and something was wrong. He was sitting up in bed, with his hands in his lap and his head hanging down. He looked small and fragile, so desolate.

Sheppard edged towards him, "What's wrong, Rodney?"

Rodney tensed instantly, scrubbing away at the tears, trying to brush away the evidence that he cared, because Sheppard had guessed what it was, he just didn't know who. "Who do you remember, Rodney?" he asked, softly.

Rodney looked at him sharply, eyes intense as they roved his face. As he realised that Sheppard knew and understood, Rodney's frame relaxed. He opened his mouth to answer, but closed it again sharply, only just managing to keep in half the sob that escaped.

John watched silently and compassionately as Rodney swallowed down his emotions and tried again. "Gall," and as he said the words with such heart wrenching pain, his eyes brimmed with tears again. He scrubbed at his eyes again, hoping to remove the evidence before they fell.

Sheppard sat on the edge of the bed. For one insane moment, he thought about gathering Rodney up into an embrace, but knew two seconds into it they would both tense as the situation became uncomfortable. And he could just hear Rodney calling him a thirteen year old girl for the next six months, so he just placed a hand on Rodney's knee, just enough to say he wasn't alone, that John was here.

Rodney looked at him, red rimmed eyes that looked painful, blue eyes shining bright with a liquid glaze of tears and his cheeks stained raw. His voice was still brittle as he spoke quietly, brokenly.

"It started out okay," he said plaintively, the injustice of something so innocuous hurting him was clear in his voice. "I remembered him, just out of the blue. We were having a discussion about a satellite project he wanted to run and I liked him, he was funny and easy going and then…"

Rodney gasped out a breath, the shock of the image still fresh as he flung out a hand, indicating the infirmary floor as if he could see him there, "suddenly he's lying there on this dusty floor, withered and dry, and although he didn't look like he just had when he'd talked about the satellite, I knew it was him, the same way you know that the duck is really your Uncle Peter in a dream. I knew it was Gall, lying on that dusty floor, dying."

Duck? Uncle Peter? Sheppard was used to Rodney throwing him for a curve and this was normally where he would ask questions to give him a chance to catch up, but Rodney's voice was still so painful and quiet, It was almost like blasphemy to interrupt. All he could do was sit and listen as Rodney rambled his way through the pain, everything tightening inside with a sympathetic ache, because of course he knew what was coming.

"And then I heard this bang… and I spin round and it's the same scene again except … except now there's blood. Blood everywhere and he'd… he'd…God. And the memories are all out of order because suddenly he's alive again and talking, well more like rasping, telling me that I've changed and it's like he came back from the dead just to tell me that. Just to tell me I've changed and that I should go and help you, leave him there because he's already dead and then the scene reverts back and he's dead again. There's blood everywhere, gritty with dust, and this time I walk over to him, his face still… intact, but the rest… and his dead eyes staring at me like he's trying to push the message home, and then I thought it shouldn't be for nothing. He did that to save you so, by God, I'm going to save you because he… he can't die for nothing… not Brendan… not for nothing."

He looked up at Sheppard, "And I did, I saved you, but it wasn't right, damn it. He was a good man and he shouldn't have… not like that… that's wrong and the memories are there now, I can see them in sequence. I know he didn't come back to tell me, but that's still how it feels, that he died to make me do that."

Sheppard's throat felt painful and he could feel the tears in his eyes. Rodney was rambling, words pouring out, almost tripping over each other, and Sheppard had never known the things Gall had said. Rodney's report had just said that Gall thought he was slowing them down, splitting them up, so he had taken himself out of the equation. Rodney probably knew how guilty John would have felt if he'd known that Gall had died for his sake. And now he remembers Rodney's determined stand and knows it was so that a man didn't die for nothing.

"And you did, Rodney. You did it."

"I keep wondering what if I had just left when he told me too. There weren't any other Wraith. He would have been safe on his own and maybe we could have done something. If I hadn't forced his hand."

"You know now that there weren't any other Wraith, but you didn't know that then. There are a thousand things I wish I could change, not least of all you." He ignored Rodney's wounded look, knowing the following words would explain himself, "I wish we'd never gone to the planet where we… lost you, or that I'd searched better, that I hadn't let you explore alone."

Rodney glared at him, "I thought we'd been through this, it wasn't your fault."

"And Gall's death wasn't yours. You can wish all you want, but you can't change it. You didn't put a gun to his head. You did everything you could do, everything you were supposed to do. Normally, you can't do anymore than that, but you did. You made his dying wish a reality. You made his death stand for something; I wish I could do the same."

"He said I'd changed. Have I?"

Sheppard shrugged. "I didn't know you before Atlantis, but no, I don't think so. I think you were just misunderstood before. I think you've always been you underneath. Atlantis just helped more people to see that."

"I'm not so sure."

"Meh, what do you know, you can't remember, " Sheppard said, grinning at him and trying to lighten the mood.

"Sometimes, I think it was better that way," Rodney said softly.

Sheppard gave up on sidestepping the issue, wondering why this always seemed to happen on his watch. "At least you're getting your memories back. That means you're mending, right?"

"Yeah, now I've only got the mutation thing to worry about. As long as I survive the heart attacks, that is. Oh yeah, it's all peachy from here."

"Rodney," Sheppard admonished. "You have to concentrate on the bright side or you'll go mad. You're getting your memories back. Carson's going to fix you. That's a great improvement on two days ago."

Rodney pursed his lips and nodded. "Yeah, you're right. I just wish the good memories outweighed the bad. The bad already had a lead when I woke up this morning."

Sheppard frowned, "You didn't tell Carson about them, that I remember. You have to be honest with him, Rodney. If you want to get better, he has to know everything so he can fix you."

"I'm fine, Colonel Kettle," Rodney said sarcastically. Then more seriously, "The life and times of Doctor Rodney McKay were only up to when I went missing. I was talking about after that… when they had me, the things I did."

"Those soldiers were going to take you back, Rodney. They would have destroyed you and they deserved everything they got," Sheppard stated, words tinged with anger that Rodney could allow any compassion for those people.

Rodney gave a quiet bitter laugh, "I'm not so sure they deserved quite everything they got." Rodney's voice turned to almost a whisper, "Besides, I didn't mean them. I meant the others."

Sheppard frowned, "What others?" he asked, as he racked his brain for the meaning of Rodney's words. Then his mind supplied the answer. When they made Rodney practice with the weapons, the aliens had given him real people to practice on and suddenly his words replayed in John's mind. 'The first time I looked down and saw what I had done I wanted him to ask me to do that, to take my own life.'

"It wasn't you who did those things, Rodney."

Rodney glared at him. "It sure felt like me, I can still feel the force of the weapon jarring in my arms when it met… when it stopped, my eyes watched it happen, it was me," he finished stubbornly.

"Would you do that now?" Sheppard asked quietly.

Anger filled Rodney's face as he retorted, "Of course not," then hurt and vulnerability replaced the anger, "You think I'm capable of that… you think in cold blood that I could murder those poor people," his voice indignant.

"Of course not, Rodney, that's what I'm telling you. That's what I'm trying to get you to understand. You're no more responsible for their deaths than I am. You were not in control."

"No, I wasn't in control," Rodney answered, voice devoid of emotion, just hard conviction.

"Rodney?" Sheppard asked warily, the clear warning in his tone that Rodney better tell him what the hell he meant by that because he'd heard a statement in there, he just didn't know what it said and he couldn't argue with Rodney if he was going to start talking in code.

Rodney sighed, "I just thought that maybe, if I'd fought a little harder, I could have stopped myself… from…." He looked at Sheppard, "Did I tell you how young she was, the first one that I... I knew someone once who looked like her, she was nice… and I…"

"Rodney. Stop," Sheppard said harshly. He continued, intense and sincere. "You've got two PhD's because you don't do things by half. You've never done anything by half. The fact I'm still here is proof of that. I know I'm here because you never stop trying, and I know if there was anything, anything, you could have done, you would have. You told me not to be an idiot. Well, ditto, buddy."

Rodney looked at him, and looked at him some more. Then Rodney shrugged, "I can't help it."

God, he was so bad at this. Maybe he could get Teyla to speak to him.

"I know what you're saying and logically I agree."

Oh, thank god.

"But mentally, I just keep seeing them fall at my feet and knowing it's my hand that killed them."

Damn

"And I know I wasn't in control, not as if I did those things out of choice."

Finally, message received.

"But it was still me, and I just can't get passed that. I mean, there's nothing I can do about it so I'll have to live with it, but I just wish… forget it. Like you said, what's the use in wishing?"

Me and my big mouth. "I also said there were a thousand things I wish for. At least it show's you're human, that you care, that you won't forget their deaths and they won't pass into oblivion. You carry their memories with you, and you try to do each day justice, that you survived and they didn't."

Rodney nodded, "I suppose." He suddenly looked up at Sheppard, eyes intense and curious, "How many times have we had this discussion?"

Sheppard smiled indulgently, shrugging softly, "Quite a few."

Rodney frowned, "I hate this, this half and half state. I just want to know."

"You should think about seeing Heightmeyer," John said, stopping when Rodney glared at him with such betrayal. Deciding on a different approach, he started again, "A lot of the things that have happened, Rodney… they're bad, okay? To deal with them one at a time is hard, to deal with them all at once is much harder. Maybe it would help if you talked about it."

Rodney looked self conscious, "I was thinking I could just talk to you guys, but yeah," he starting rambling, "I shouldn't, you've probably got enough of your own, right? You don't want to hear mine as well…"

"Rodney," Sheppard interrupted with an understanding smile. "Most of yours are the same as ours, and yes, of course you can talk to us. I just thought you might not want to, some of it might be personal, but we are here whenever you need us," and yeah he was probably going to regret that so just in case he added, "Teyla is an excellent listener."

Rodney smiled, embarrassed and pleased and John patted his knee before removing it, "So, you eaten?"

Rodney scowled, "No, apparently I have to wait for feeding time, even though I'm the only patient in here." He huffed at the injustice of it all and crossed his arms, glaring at Sheppard as if he had orchestrated it all.

"Great, I put in an order so I'll eat with you." He ignored that Rodney was trying to hide how pleased he was at the news and indicated the laptop on the bedside cabinet, "See Zelenka came back."

Rodney looked at the laptop, smiling softly, "Yeah. I remembered him." Rodney's face turned into confusion, "he seemed inordinately pleased about that." He threw a quick glance at John, turning hesitant and a little embarrassed. "Erm… did I heal him with glowy hands?"

John was tempted to say no, just so he could see Rodney's face, but Rodney nearly dying again was still a little fresh. "Yes, Rodney, you did that."

Rodney's eyes widened a little in surprise. "It just seemed a little unbelievable… can I still do that," he asked, a little bit of awe in his voice.

"No. It was superpowers and death or fix you."

"Oh," Rodney said, and Sheppard had to smirk because Rodney sounded like he still wasn't sure which he'd choose.

"So, you wanna watch a DVD?"

"What? Oh…erm, yeah, okay."

Sheppard tried his luck and put in 'Back to the Future'. Annoyingly… or perfectly… Rodney forgot enough that he watched it but remembered enough science to degrade it all the way through and John was grinning like a loon by the time the credits rolled, because at last this was the Rodney he knew. So familiar it made his heart soar, and Rodney's confused glares at his grin was just the icing on the cake.

After that it was time for dinner and they talked about the film and others that Rodney could remember, as well as stories they had read. Rodney had the enthusiasm of experiencing things anew, conversations they'd had before that John let unfold again, revelling in the familiarity of it all.

Sometimes Rodney's arguments would take a different track than the original argument, which was curious. John put it down to part of the equation being missing, a memory lying dormant somewhere that would change Rodney's view when it reawakened.

When Rodney yawned, John grudgingly accepted that it was time to call an end to it, telling himself that they could continue tomorrow and stubbornly cursing himself for thinking even for a split second that that might not be true. He was just so thankful that Rodney had not coded again today. He was not sure he could cope with that.

"Time for sleep, McKay," John said sternly, knowing Rodney was like an errant child when it came to bed time.

Rodney had been about to retort, no doubt scathing John for being his mommy, when he just stopped and stared at John. A slow smile appeared on his lips, eyes glazing a little.

"What?" Sheppard asked, confused.

Rodney shook the softness off, replacing it with an uncomfortable embarrassment, "Nothing, it's just… Well, that's the first time you've called me McKay since I got back, apart from that once."

Sheppard's eyes widened in surprise. He thought back and Rodney was right. He remembered when he realised himself that he was calling the soldier Rodney, because he wasn't anyone he recognised, and how he had called him McKay in an attempt to force him to remember. Now, Sheppard's face turned to curiosity, "What were you going to ask me, when I told you to just ask your question?"

Rodney shrugged, "it doesn't matter now." He snuggled down into the covers, his back to John, conversation closed. John had noticed that he still had that soft smile on his lips though, so John was willing to let it go. Rodney hadn't had a lot to smile about lately so he wasn't about to stop him now.

John watched over him, listening quietly as his breathing slipped into the regular beats of a peaceful sleep. Sitting alone, with just the background noises of the infirmary staff, his thoughts slid back to the afternoon and evening he had spent with Rodney. The sense of peace it had given him took him by surprise. He had not realised how much trepidation he had felt, wondering only on a subconscious level if Rodney would ever be the McKay he knew, if he would still be the friend he valued above all others.

This was only the third day since they had found him on that planet and yet it seemed a lifetime. Those three months of pain still made his chest restrict as his body remembered the ache of loss, but already the feelings had been muffled by the roller coaster of the last three days.

Joy of finding him, the unjustified betrayal that Rodney had forgotten them, anticipation that Carson would fix him and anger that he couldn't. Most of the hours had been spent moving between heart-wrenching pain at the prospective of losing this man again and breath-taking relief that they hadn't; just one close call after another.

Up and down with no time to stop and collect himself, and no time to find his centre and strengthen his resolve against the emotional attack that Rodney's recovery was having on him. He felt fragile and weak, emotions so close to the surface he could feel them, constantly bubbling away under the surface. Today was the first day he had felt that they stood a chance and that everything would actually be okay.

Ronon came early to relieve him. If he was anything like John had been then he had been biting at the bit to get here, trying to hold himself back as long as possible. He asked how Rodney was and Sheppard told him. A little part of him felt like he was betraying a confidence as Rodney's voice had been just a whisper, as if John was his confidant but they needed to know, to be prepared in case he discussed his guilt with them.

When John had finished, he knew it was time to go. He wondered fleetingly if he had maybe elongated his descriptions of Rodney's current state so that he could stay here longer, but regardless the time had now come for him to leave. He was about to say as much to Ronon when Rodney snuffled loudly and sat bolt upright, staring right ahead with a look of such loss on his face.

Suddenly the expression morphed into one of intense anger. He glared around the room, eyes passing over Ronon and coming to land on John. "So long??" He shouted angrily.

"Oh," John said. Oh God, why didn't I leave five minutes ago, John thought, because yeah, he should've been expecting this. He bit his lip, because he always got the urge to complete So long with and thanks for all the fish, forever grateful that he hadn't on that fateful day. Deep down, he knew he should have said something, but you're my best friend ever just seemed so childish and he just couldn't think of anything profound at the time.

"So long," Rodney said, disbelievingly. "That's it? Strapping a bomb to a puddle jumper and barrelling into a hive ship, knowing it's a one way trip and that's all you can say? So long?" and John could hear the hurt underneath as it sent ripples of guilt passing through just as it had the first time he had heard it.

"Well, there wasn't a lot of time, Rodney." You never know, it might work this time.

"There was long enough for more than 'so' damn 'long'," Rodney retorted scathingly.

Okay, maybe not. "We've been through this, Rodney," he admonished, trying the stern approach although it only ever worked when they were surrounded by spears.

He glared at John and then turned to Ronon, "I want you to take this suicidal ignoramus down to the gym and beat some sense into him so that he knows he is NEVER to strap himself to a bomb again."

"Hey!" Sheppard shouted, just as Ronon said, "Already have."

"Really?" Rodney said jubilantly, just a little too jubilantly for Sheppard's liking,

"Hey!" he whined, a little wounded, still wincing at the memory of Ronon's message. Still, it was more subtle than Teyla's, he thought She was gonna kill him.

"Well, good," Rodney said with a decisive nod, folding his arms and looking smugly at Sheppard, seemingly forgiven now he had been punished. Although, to be fair, Rodney rarely held a grudge… except for those few times when he did and John still hadn't worked out what the common denominator on those were yet. Part of him was sure Rodney just picked them at random to confuse a person… which was obviously working.

"You could give him the message yourself now," Ronon said, grinning wickedly.

Sheppard knew his eyes had widened momentarily in the realization that Ronon was right. Rodney could kick his ass at the moment. He glared at Ronon, who was grinning unrepentantly, before turning to Rodney, ready to put the idea out of his head a soon as possible. His words died on his lips as he saw Rodney uncross his arms as the smug look slipped off his face to reveal sadness… and fear.

John glanced quickly at Ronon before turning back to him, "Rodney? What's wrong?"

Rodney shook his head, "Nothing." He squirreled down again, under the covers.

"Rodney, talk to me."

Rodney sighed heavily, looking down at his own chest to avoid eye contact with either of them. "When I think of fighting with those skills it reminds me of the things I did. The people I killed and how I killed them. How they never stood a chance. I'm thinking that the skills will fade with time… and I hope they do. I know that's selfish, but it's the way I feel."

"Selfish?"

Rodney glanced at him and then back to his chest again. "I would actually be able to stand on my own off world. You wouldn't have to worry about me, and I wouldn't be a liability anymore. How many times have you retreated when you would have fought… if I wasn't with you? I'm a risk off world and I know that, that's why I agreed to spar with Ronon and Teyla. Not that I got any better, but still at least I tried. I know I should fight to keep these skills in my head, but every time…" Rodney bit his lower lip as it trembled. "I just can't, I'm sorry."

"Rodney."

Sheppard tried again, determined to get Rodney to look at him. "McKay," and at last, he did. "For a liability you have an awful habit of saving our asses. Yeah, you're actually kind of pathetic in a fight, but you learnt how to use a gun, and not badly either, and your brain more than makes up for how pathetic you are in a fist fight. I just wish you could run faster."

Rodney smirked before he caught himself. "Well, I wouldn't have used the word pathetic."

"I would," Ronon said, smile clear in his voice.

"Yeah, well I beat you didn't I?" Rodney retorted quickly, rising up out of the sheets to glare at him, "And besides, I'd reckon you'd be pretty pathetic yourself trying to re-programme a DHD, so a little more respect for the team Genius hey."

"Point taken," Ronon said, grinning.

Rodney huffed, but Sheppard could see the pleased grin on his face and the sparkle in his eyes before he curled back into the covers to fall asleep. John sat back, deciding that maybe he could stay a little longer; Carson wasn't here anyway.

TBC