Hi Guys. My beta's wouldn't let me cheat and do a summary type epilogue so this is not the last chapter. All hail the beta's.

Hope you enjoy and now I must go and write chapter 19. As always - please comment because it makes my day and lets me

know if I'm on the right track or horribly lost.

Cynical Soldier

Chapter 18 Iss2

Rodney shared breakfast with Ronon and then they sat talking, Ronon filling him in on the gossip and events that had happened during his three months of captivity.

Every time Ronon spoke, it took Rodney by surprise. He seemed a lot more of a conversationalist than Rodney remembered, although he seemed to be running out of things to say, growing quieter and quieter the better Rodney's recovery was. It was a little unnerving as well, because every time Rodney spoke, Ronon seemed to just stop and listen intently, smiling. Rodney wasn't used to that and just didn't know how to react, so until he figured it out, he was going to ignore it, and he was trying to ignore a lot of things.

Carson approached the bed, and Rodney only had eyes for the folder under his arm, "I've got the results of your blood works, Rodney."

Before he could respond, Ronon interrupted, "We have to wait for Sheppard and Teyla," and without preamble, he radioed them.

Carson arched a questioning eyebrow at Rodney, asking for confirmation given that these were his personal medical reports. Rodney looked at Ronon. His memories told him he could tell Ronon that he was damned if he was going to wait for his own results, but his eyes glanced over Ronon's build. The warrior flexed his muscles, seemingly by coincidence, but Rodney was not so sure.

Sure, two days ago he had bested Ronon in a fight, but now he was stuck somewhere between who he was and who he is. He didn't think it would come to that, but he still found Ronon intimidating and figured he just didn't trust his memories to that degree, "Yes, okay, we can… er… wait."

Carson's smirk said he knew how Rodney had arrived at his decision, so Rodney chose to ignore him while they waited. He listened to Ronon talk, and if he responded he wasn't aware of it, all thoughts focused inside on his fears and tribulations. He had enough memory to know this level of broken was a trip back to Earth. Atlantis would be behind him, and everything that came with it. The thought that he could lose all this for a second time terrified him.

Nerves sparked throughout his body, his hands felt clammy, eyes continually darting to the folder under Carson's arm. His future depended on a little piece of paper in that file. Terrified that it might go against him and deciding that he couldn't wait anymore, he just had to know. Besides, the fewer people here, the fewer people to see him cry as he had a complete melt down. He was about to say that he wasn't willing to wait anymore.

With a nervous glance at Ronon, he opened his mouth… just as Sheppard and Teyla walked into the infirmary. He was sure Sheppard did that on purpose, if he could only figure out how. Of course, they were trailed by Elizabeth and Radek. Great, now there's an audience to witness my meltdown, oh joy. He knew he could ask them to leave, could do this alone if he wanted to all - he had to do was ask. Trouble was, they were here because they were as worried as he was and he couldn't bring himself to send them away.

Carson waited until everyone was seated.

"Right, Rodney. The good news is that the chemical is breaking down and we estimate another twelve hours should see it out of your system completely. We also theorise that all your memories will return, the process speeding up as the compound is reduced in your system."

A little of the tension did ease, but Rodney didn't get too excited because he just knew he wasn't that lucky. Besides, didn't the phrase go; I've got good news and bad news.

Sure enough Carson continued. "However," and didn't Rodney just know there would be a 'however', "As long as the chemical remains in your system, you run the risk of it mutating. Although you are through the worst, which means it is highly unlikely you will code again, it is still a possibility. Your heart needs time to recover from the stresses of three attacks and until it has regained its full strength you will remain at risk. When you are released, it will be for light duties only. No off world trips until your heart is fully recovered."

"Peachy," Sheppard said into the uncomfortable silence that followed, throwing Rodney's earlier words back at him.

Rodney glared at him, but it didn't have anywhere near the ferocity the remark deserved, because even with Sheppard's trademark grin firmly in place, he could still see the brittle emotions on the surface, could see them in the roving eyes that still held nervous fear and worry.

He should have been touched, but quite frankly it scared the hell out of him. Sheppard never showed his emotions and only years of his team seeing him in every conceivable situation had given them the ability to read him, but he could still hide from them if he really wanted too.

The John Sheppard sitting here with a false smile on his face seemed as readable as a neon sign in comparison. He looked like he'd been through hell and Rodney selfishly wanted the old John. The rock that he could lean on as an emotional cripple. The John who could say everything would be okay and make Rodney believe him.

But, he wasn't and so Rodney had to be strong, had to hide his fears and convince the worried faces around him that he was okay.

He turned to Elizabeth. "Are the IOA going to let me stay here until I recover?" he asked, proud of the way his voice stayed steady, as if he were discussing something that didn't mean the world to him.

He was a little surprised and a lot nervous when everybody started exchanging glances. Elizabeth glanced at Sheppard before she spoke hesitantly. "They don't know, Rodney."

Rodney frowned, "They think I'm okay?"

"They don't know you're alive, Rodney."

"Oh," he said as if he understood completely, but the more he thought about it, the more confusing he found it. He just couldn't comprehend. He was about to ask when she continued.

"If we had told them, they would have called you back. We thought Atlantis was the best place to help you remember, and no one would try as hard as us to get you back, to fix you. So, we decided that we wouldn't tell them. The Deadalus visited just before your rescue and no one said a word. We have three months before they are back. We intend to backdate the reports - we rescued you, and Carson found a cure and injected you. As far as the IOA will be concerned your rescue and recovery will happen over four days. It's still a believable amount of time for a recovery, but quick enough that you don't need to return to Earth to recover."

"So, Jeannie…?"

"No," Sheppard said softly. "She doesn't know yet, that you're alive."

He thought about Jeannie thinking he was dead and then he thought about John, the most stoic of them all, and how everyday Rodney's so called recovery seemed to break him a little more and figured it was for the best. "It's been three months, what does it matter if she's told next week instead of last week?" Because in the bigger picture, she was spared the things these people had gone through.

"So, when will I be released?" Rodney asked, already eager to leave, hoping for a private place to experience the meltdown he knew was coming.

"At least thirty two hours," Carson replied and Rodney knew those hours would drag past like days. Carson continued, "Obviously, you'll stay until the drug has been eradicated from your system, and then a further twenty four hours of observation. If there are no complications, then I'll release you to your own quarters."

"Where are my new quarters? I don't want to be walking miles just to get to the labs…" Rodney started.

"They're your original quarters, Rodney," Sheppard interrupted. "Everything is how you left it."

"You kept my original quarters for three months? Didn't you say you thought I was dead?"

"Yeah," Sheppard answered softly, something in his voice spoke of pain, "Some of us weren't wiling to give up on hope, without a body."

Judging by the self righteous looks his team were giving to a guilty looking Radek and Elizabeth this was an old argument that Rodney was not going to touch. He had enough of his own emotions to master without theirs as well.

Looking to change the subject and out of innate curiosity, he turned to Carson, "So, if the chemical mutates, you've got a cure for that, right?"

"We're close, Rodney," Carson stressed, eyes darting away quickly.

"Have you figured out what the mutation would do?" The thought terrified Rodney. Thoughts of a bug blue Sheppard, and an enzyme filled Ford sent sparking jolts of fear through him.

Carson flashed a tentative smile, but didn't keep eye contact. Eyes falling down to the files in his lap as he started to tidy them up, "There's no point going into all the medical explanations. It's highly unlikely…"

"Carson!" Rodney snapped in frustration. Everyone went a little bug eyed for a second and there was an uncomfortable silence while Rodney bit down on his emotions, pushing down the fear. He ignored the others around them, concentrating on Carson, needing him to understand. "This is my mind, Carson. This is who I am. I need to know, to understand what is happening to me, and anything that might, even if it's just a possibility. I need to know."

Carson closed his eyes, and when they opened there was a world of hurt in them that scared Rodney enough without Carson's pleading tone as well, "Rodney…"

"Tell me," Rodney commanded sternly, fear turning to anger.

"It will wipe your memories, not just make them inaccessible. You will no longer be able to form long term memories. They'll be gone, you'll be gone." Carson's eyes were filled with unshed tears, voice brittle with painful emotion. There were horrified gasps from Radek and Elizabeth, everyone staring at him in shocked silence.

He didn't even notice them. Eyes still trained on Carson but not seeing, his mind trapped in a loop as he tried to comprehend. Gone. Everything he had ever learnt, all the wonderful things he had seen. Jeannie, John, Teyla, Ronon, everyone he ever knew would be a stranger to him. People who were gone, who only existed in his memories like his mother, like Ford, they would truly be gone now. All he knew, how the stars talked to each other, the beautiful equilibrium of order and chaos in numbers… Atlantis… Oh, God, Atlantis. This city made his heart soar and his mind sing and he would have to leave it behind and never know why he was incomplete.

"I want to be alone now."

"…Rodney…" Teyla started, reaching out to him.

"No! I want… need to be alone now." He looked at Sheppard, knowing he would understand and make the others see that he had to have this. "Please."

Sheppard nodded and Rodney tried to ignore the way it knocked tears lose from his eyes and the way his lips trembled as he stood and started herding the rest of them out. Ronon's jaw was so tight he looked like he would never speak another word, Teyla's eyes drowning in sorrow. Radek's eyes seemed filled with understanding at the things he would lose. Carson and Elizabeth… it was all too much and it pushed in against his grief and he just tried desperately to hold on. He just needed to hold on until they left, just hold on. He watched them leave through blurred eyes as the meltdown began.

He gripped his arms around his torso as he squirmed back down under the covers, his breath hot and humid as tears fell. I'd never know what I'd lost but somewhere inside I'd have to know. Surely, you can't lose something as precious as Atlantis and not know somewhere inside that it's gone. He closed his eyes against the heat of the tears, body racked with sobs.

Eventually, the tears subsided, leaving Rodney emotionally exhausted and he drifted into a fitful sleep. He didn't know that Carson came and stood at his bedside, looking over his friend as he whispered. "I'll fix it, Rodney. I won't lose you again. If it mutates, I promise, I'll find a way to fix it."

As Carson moved away, Ronon moved in from the shadows where he had been watching over Rodney. Just because Rodney wanted him to go, it didn't mean he could leave him unprotected, so he had watched from the shadows; watched Rodney's pain and felt it in his heart.

Now, Rodney was asleep and Ronon could move in to watch closer, to be there if he was needed. No one on his team would repeat that mistake, the consequences too dire, and they would ensure Rodney was never left alone again.

Rodney mumbled, shuffling into wakefulness. He tried to snuggle into the pillows, trying to push awareness back while he tried to figure out why it was so bright. It seemed half awake was good enough for his mind to remind him of everything. He opened his eyes, staring straight ahead. Having a minor meltdown and a sleep in the middle of the morning disgusted him. He felt so low, still weighed down by the weight of Carson's words. You'll be gone. He sighed heavily. Determined he wasn't going to breakdown again, he turned over as he sat up, starting at the sight of Teyla sat next to his bed. He nodded politely, not quite sure what to say as he continued to sit up, organising the sheets nervously.

"Rodney, I am pleased you are awake," Teyla said, smiling.

"Well, that makes one of us," Rodney said sarcastically.

"You did not want to wake up?" Teyla asked, worry and confusion in her voice and expression.

"Just for the next twelve hours, till I don't have to worry about this mutation thing. It's going to be a long day."

"And we will be with you," Teyla said, laying a hand on the bed. Rodney nodded. It would be useless to argue, if one of them was in this bed he would ignore them and stay too so he wasn't going to waste his breath.

"Well, you may as well make yourself useful," he handed her the laptop, "I'm going to make a living will, and you're going to write it for me."

Teyla took the laptop, opening it up and switching it on, having become familiar with both laptops and the English alphabet and now compiled her own reports, although spell check was a godsend. "What is … a living will?"

"It's instructions for my care if I develop diminished responsibility. Ready?"

"Yes," she said as she held a finger of each hand poised over the keys.

Rodney paused, looking at her two fingers poised as they were and then figured beggars couldn't be choosers making a mental note not to knock two fingered typists in Teyla's hearing ever again. He nodded in acknowledgment before he started. "This is the living will of Doctor Rodney McKay…" he waited for her to catch up before continuing, and so they went on, Rodney dictating and Teyla writing piecemeal until Teyla broke the rhythm by not writing down the last line.

Rodney looked at her with questions on the tip of his tongue, only to see her face distraught, "What?" he asked, eyes roving over her face as if he could see the answer written there, "What's wrong?"

"You don't want to be…resuscitated?" she asked in disbelief, even as she fumbled around the unfamiliar word she had heard many times, but rarely used.

He suddenly felt very self conscious that she should care so deeply for him. He still wasn't used to this side of his team's friendship, even after all this time. "Well, only if I'm… you know… space cadet," and at her confused expression he tapped his head, "no longer here."

He sighed, "Look, I'd be willing to give it a go if there was a cure on the horizon, but there won't be. Yes, if they fixed the problem of storing long term memories, then I could function again, probably learn everything again, but the original memories will be gone;, everything that makes me who I am… I'll be gone. The person they brought back, it wouldn't be me… so what's the point?" He shrugged self consciously as he looked over at her.

Her eyes were filled with tears and she looked like she was hiccupping as her lips trembled, "Teyla…" he started, trying to get her to understand.

"No!" She said sternly. "No, you listen to me now," she said, her voice painfully raw with emotion and anger, and her finger pointing out every syllable. His eyes widened in surprise… and maybe a little fear. He nodded dumbly.

She nodded is response, a nod that just shouted, Damn right you will. "We lost you once and we will not lose you again. You cannot give up. We thought you were dead and yet here you are. We found you and brought you back once and we can do it again. If what you say is true then we will recreate you, we will find a way and you will be you again. If it takes our lifetime, you will come back to us, but only if we have the chance. You cannot do this." She picked up the laptop and put it heavily on the bed. "I will not type this." Her eyes bored into his, glaring a challenge that if anybody typed it she would not be pleased.

"You can't waste your life trying to get me back, Teyla," Rodney stressed.

"It's my life to do with as I choose," the challenge still in her eyes.

He looked at her, really looked at her. She was adamant and he would spend his last days arguing with her over this, but it was more the intensity of it that threw him. Teyla was always calm, words carefully chosen, always the voice of reason and she always faced life's difficulties head on. This Teyla was as angry as he had ever seen her, her voice almost unrecognisably coarse with emotion. He realised she really needed this, that she wasn't ready to say goodbye to him yet and to think he had touched an alien being to that degree when most of his own race just wanted to pummel his head in, well," it blew him away.

He realised that he wouldn't know, if his body was dead or alive. It would not matter to Doctor Rodney McKay because he would have left the building, so what did it really matter if his body continued on after him, as creepy as the thought was. It could still do some good if it gave Teyla some peace, gave her time to deal and have closure. All the things she did for him, all the times she had saved his life. He could do this little thing for her, couldn't he?

He reached down and picked up the laptop, passing it to Teyla. "Okay, you win. Let's make if official though, eh?"

Teyla let out a breath, smiling as she took the laptop eagerly.

"Right, where were we?" Rodney asked.

"In the event that my heart stops…" Teyla intoned.

"I wish that all means necessary be used to resuscitate me."

Teyla typed away, a beaming smile on her face that she couldn't seem to displace, even when she had to ask how to spell resuscitate. Rodney had one too, although he hid his a little better. He felt lighter and more at ease than he had when he had first woken, than he had in a while actually. People cared about it, they wouldn't let him go without a fight and they would be with him every step of the way. He wasn't used to this attention, to people feeling this strongly about his wellbeing, but it was something he could come to like.

They carried on with his living will until lunch arrived… with needles because apparently it was better to get blood samples on an empty stomach, which didn't make any sense to Rodney, but it wasn't like he could argue the fact… although he might have mentioned how idiotic it sounded.

TBC