Chapter 5.
Edward.
I couldn't sleep again. This time it wasn't for a bad reason, well, it could be seen as a bad reason. I couldn't stop fucking thinking about Bella. It annoyed me, and it made me feel good. I remembered the feeling of her soft leg against my stubble and moaned aloud.
"Fuck, Masen" I swore to myself, "You're getting soft."
I was also talking to myself; things weren't going well in my head.
Not only was I thinking about Bella's legs, but the way her chest looked under her see through shirt. It was fucking beautiful. And then to see her blush so much…she was almost too cute to be true.
I would just have to accept that I liked her after such a short amount of time, and that I would not make a move on her, ever. I valued her friendship too much. But, if there was ever the chance she liked me too…No. No. I couldn't get my hopes up. Plus, she didn't trust me. That was pretty obvious. She wouldn't even sing for me.
I creeped out of my front door at one thirty in the morning. I decided I might see if Bella was awake. Thank fuck she only had a one story house, otherwise I'd be screwed.
The walk to her house was about half an hour, which didn't phase me. I lit up a cigarette and walked along the black road in darkness. The only light came from the occasional street light and the moon. I went through about six smokes by the time I got to her house. It wasn't hard to miss, even at night. The overgrown garden instantly gave it away. I scooped up a few pebbles from the side garden and walked slowly to where I knew her window was. I peeked into the window first, just to make sure she wasn't already asleep, and to my horror somebody tapped me on my back.
I whirled around and got ready to run for my fucking life. It was her dad. It had to be her dad. I was busted.
Instead, I heard giggling and saw Bella standing in front of me.
"Why the fuck did you do that?!" I hissed. She sniggered and pulled me away from the house.
"You'll wake Charlie, shut up."
We walked for a few minutes and finally sat down on the road. It was safe to sit on the road here. Nobody was going to be driving around at two in the morning on a Thursday night. And if they were, we would see the lights before anything serious happened.
"I knew you'd come here again" said Bella, leaning forward to get a whiff of me, "Smoking again?"
She didn't sound as angry as she usually did.
"Uh, yeah" I said lamely, "You scared the shit out of me."
She giggled again. It was an amazing sound, and it just heightened her cuteness.
"What's on the agenda for tonight?" she asked with excited, large eyes. I stared at her and waited for a response to come out of my mouth.
Nothing happened, so I shrugged. God, I was such a fucking loser.
"We could go swimming again, but that might wake Charlie" she said, looking over to her house. Under the moonlight it looked even more glamorous. Just like Bella did. Sitting in front of me, so close, I could now appreciate her fully in the night. Her long hair was pulled up into a messy bun; the flyaway strands shone in the white moonlight. Her skin glowed unnaturally and looked even paler than usual. She looked so delicate, that if I touched her the slightest she might break apart. And I wouldn't want that.
"I like swimming" I mused. Actually, what I liked more was being so close to her, seeing her wet hair cling to her face and her see through top expose her figure. But she didn't need to know that.
"Me too" she blushed. Why was she blushing? And why did it have to be so goddamn adorable?
"I have an idea" I said, pushing myself up from the road and holding out my hand to Bella. She looked at it for an instant, then grabbed hold and let me pull her up. She was so soft and warm…
"What idea?" she asked, smoothing out her top and dusting her hands on the back of her jeans.
"Follow me."
I started toward the only place in Phoenix where I didn't feel uneasy. A place I felt content, humble and most of all; the one place I felt truly comfortable.
"We're breaking into the school?" she asked as we ran up to the side fence of Phoenix Union. It was a very short walk, thank God for that.
"Just the courtyard" I hinted. Bella caught onto where we were going and beamed at me. We climbed the fence, well; I climbed the fence and lifted Bella over, and made our way to the lonely tree standing tall over the dark courtyard.
I loved this spot.
"It's so beautiful at night" she gasped. She was right. The moonlight struck the tree and left strange shadows scattered over the concrete ground. The leaves rustled gently in the wind, making the place seem all the more serene.
"Not as beautiful as some other things" I said, without thinking. Fuck. I hoped she didn't figure I was talking about her. She didn't blush or flinch, so I guessed she was oblivious.
I took my place sitting against the thick trunk of the tree and Bella sat in front of me; her knees brought up to her chin, her arms hugging her small figure in the breeze. It wasn't even cold, but maybe she had grown so used to this pathetic weather that she had no resistance to the cold. I shrugged off my jacket and slung it around her small shoulders. She lifted up her head to me and smiled.
"Thanks."
"No problem. You don't like the cold?"
She shivered and hugged herself tighter. "I don't mind it" she said quietly, then paused, "Okay, I hate the cold."
We laughed. There was something lighter about her that night. The smiles she gave me weren't as shy or withdrawn, and her laughter was louder and sounded greater than ever.
"You seem a lot happier tonight than I've ever seen you" I pointed out.
"Well, you've only known me a few days" she reasoned.
"True. But still, it's nice to see" I admitted. She beamed at me. Shit, her smile was gorgeous. And she had such perfect, white teeth.
We talked for hours, but it seemed only like minutes. Time flew by with her, and before we knew it, the sun stared to peek out over the horizon. It must have been nearing six in the morning.
"Jesus Christ, it's early" I muttered, standing up to take Bella home.
"Wait" she said, watching the sun, "Let's watch it rise."
The orange light hit us soon after, and Bella's face lit up. Her ivory skin suddenly looked quite tanned, and her hair had a reddish tinge.
"Your hair looks mad bronze" she said, staring just above my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair out of habit and she laughed.
"What's so funny?"
"You always do that to your hair. Like, always. It's like you have OCD" she giggled. I rolled my eyes and pushed her softly on her upper arm. She fell over and lay on her back. I joined her. We looked up at the rising sun for a few minutes until she spoke.
"I think now is the time to go home. Our parents will flip out."
"Mine won't" I said bitterly. Bella's breathing hitched and she turned her face to mine. Her eyes glinted with tears of sympathy, which just made me feel more bitter.
"Don't" I said, staring into those brown eyes I adored. She turned her head away quickly and I heard her sniff. Great, she was fucking crying.
I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I let it take control. Within seconds I was lying on top of her with a hand on each side of her head, holding myself up so I wouldn't squash her. She looked taken aback, but not hesitant or scared, so I inched my lips closer to hers. I was so close to kissing her. Feeling those warm, soft, pink lips. Her breath felt warm on my chin and I felt my mouth pool with saliva.
"What are you two doing?!" called out an angry voice from behind us.
"Fuck!" I shouted, shooting up and twirling around to see who it was. It was the gardener. Phew, just the gardener.
When I looked back Bella had already started to run off. I thought about following her, but I decided it would be best to leave her be. I completely fucked up again.
She probably never wanted to see me. Ever. Again.
**
"Where have you been?" mum asked as she took a swig out of her mug. I doubted it had coffee in it.
"Out" I mumbled, heading upstairs to have a quick shower before school.
"Out where?" she persisted.
"I have to shower, mum" I said blankly. I was upstairs and in the bathroom before she could badger me more. I showered quickly, washing my hair with soap, since we were out of shampoo. I often had to substitute things around here. I learned to deal with it. I didn't care anymore.
I walked downstairs slowly and heard snoring coming from the small living room. Mum was slumped on the couch again. Passed out before seven thirty. Nice one.
I glared at her unconscious body and stormed over to the sink. Just as I expected, her 'coffee' mug reeked of rum. I sighed and washed the dishes lying in the sink, put them away quietly and drove to school.
I was late.
"Mr. Masen, how lovely of you to grace this class with your presence" said Ms. Logan sarcastically. Jeez, she must have been on her rags. She was usually pretty laid-back. I apologized to her and walked to my table with my head down. I couldn't bear to look into Bella's eyes. I felt so guilty.
She was doodling again, but this time the flowers and stars were accompanied by little hearts and puffy clouds. I tried not to read too much into it.
"'Morning" she said quietly, shading a particularly large love heart.
"Hey."
"Why so late?" she asked with a hint of worry.
"Long shower" I lied. She didn't need to know more about my fucked up life.
"How are you feeling?" she asked. She still wasn't looking at me, so I risked looking up at her face. Her profile was almost perfect. Her nose was small and shaped nicely, her eyes at just the right position on her face. Her chin jutted out a little, but not enough for anybody who wasn't her stalker to notice. That's what I was now. Her stalker.
"Alright. You?"
"Yeah, alright."
We shared little more words after that. I just watched her draw little pictures on the back of her notepad and thought about that morning. Had she really not wanted to kiss me? Her eyes had had this hunger to them, and she didn't try to push me off. Sure, she looked surprised, but she didn't show any signs of not wanting to kiss me, either.
Crap, I had to stop thinking about it. I had to stop thinking about what almost happened, because it wasn't right. Not while I was so messed up. Not while I barely knew her.
Bella.
He almost kissed me. And boy, how I wished the gardener had not interrupted. Just imagining what it would be like to run my fingers through his hair and taste his lips got me flustered. I had to settle down.
Judging by his attitude towards me in lit that morning, I figured it was all a mistake. He regretted the almost-kiss, and that made me feel sad. I didn't want it to make me sad, but it did. Was it so bad to just want to be wanted by him? To want him myself?
The answer was obviously yes. Yes, it was bad to want him. I couldn't want him. Not in the way I did that morning. Not at all.
Like most days, my classes dragged on and I sat there trying as hard as I could to stay alert. I couldn't afford to let my grades slip, or Charlie would have my throat. Oh, it would be such a disaster to have the Chief's daughter receive any grade but an A. Anything under that and it would be the end of the world. I handed in my French homework, I took notes in every class, I did the pop quiz that we were given in calculus. I did everything, paying strict attention to every single detail. But Edward was always there, in the back of my mind, sneering at me, laughing at me for ever thinking he didn't regret almost kissing me.
By the time lunch came, I was upset. I had driven myself into sadness that swelled in my heart and clouded my vision. I was feeling more self conscious than usual. I was too-skinny, my skin was too pale, my hair was out of control, and I was a nobody. And all of this was brought on by myself. Because I couldn't help but taunt myself in my mind. It was probably some kind of mental condition. But was I going to complain? No. No, I completely deserved to feel like a nobody. My mother obviously thought I was one, Edward thought I was one, the whole student body of Phoenix Union thought I was one.
I didn't wait for Edward by the tree at lunch. I sat indoors, hidden away from the blistering Phoenix sun, slouched against a wall, looking at my uneaten lunch in gloom. Nobody looked twice at me.
Nobody looked at me at all, and this was the way I liked it.
"Bella? What are you doing down there?" asked a voice that belonged to the last person I wanted to see. I looked up at Edward and frowned.
"What does it matter?"
"What happened?" he asked, sitting down next to me with a creased forehead. How nice of him to pretend to care.
"Nothing happened" I snapped. That was half of the problem. Nothing happened.
He didn't kiss me. He didn't want me.
I groaned aloud and took my head in my hands. Why did I care so much about what Edward thought of me? It was stupid! I was such an idiot.
"Bella?" his voice was soft and worried. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to let him in but I couldn't. I wouldn't.
"Please, tell me?"
Why did he keep asking? It's not like he cared at all. I was probably just some amusing specimen to him. This crazy, shy girl who let's strange guys into her life at the drop of a hat.
"Why do you care?" I asked. My voice was strained and strangely croaky. Edward sighed.
"I don't know why I care. I just do."
I snorted.
"You don't need to lie."
"I'm not lying, Bella."
I looked up at him and saw something new in his eyes. It was an emotion I had never seen before. And I sure as hell had no idea what it was.
"I really care about you."
"Stop trying to pretend!" I shouted. The whole cafeteria would have turned quiet if they cared. Instead, I was given a few glares and that was all. The students of PU continued to eat their meals, kiss their partners and chat away. I envied them. So, so much.
Edward looked shocked. Those thick, dark eyebrows were up and his green eyes large.
"I'm not pretending Bella. What the fuck is wrong?"
I sighed heavily. Maybe I was overreacting, and Edward really did care. But I still didn't understand why.
"I don't know" I said finally, letting a sob escape. Edward pulled me to his chest and let me cry. Nobody noticed. It was just us, huddled in the corner, sharing some kind of breakthrough moment. I cried until the bell sounded.
"What class have you got now?" asked Edward awkwardly.
"Chem. I don't want to go" I whined, pulling my knees closer to my chin. Edward rubbed my back soothingly.
"Let's skip."
"That sounds like a good idea" I said quietly. Edward pulled me up to him and took me to the parking lot.
"What do you want to do?" he asked. I didn't know what I wanted to do. Actually, I did know. I wanted to spend the afternoon being in his arms. I wanted to go back to that time under our tree. I wanted him to lean forward and…
"Bella?"
"Oh. Sorry."
Edward sniggered, "Let's go stuff our faces."
"I'm not hungry" I said stubbornly, but the loud growl that emerged from my gut betrayed me. Edward laughed and pulled me to his chest.
"Ice cream?"
**
Edward took me to a small ice cream parlor I had never been to, or really noticed before, in my whole life. The store had a very small entrance and was decorated with old fashioned paintings that made me smile. Just being there cheered me up, and I was beginning to feel stupid for my outburst earlier.
"I used to take mum here to cheer her up" he sighed. A feeling that was much beyond sympathy stabbed at my heart. Despair. I felt despair for Edward. Tears pricked at my eyes again and I wiped them away hastily.
"It's such a nice place" I mused. The assistant working gave me a warm smile. She must have overheard.
It was then I saw the ice cream. Rows and rows and rows of colourful, beautiful ice cream just begging to be eaten. My stomach growled just by seeing it all. Edward laughed.
"Best fucking ice cream in the world" he said, nodding to the assistant. She struck up small talk with him as I looked wide-eyed at the hundred or so different flavours of delicious-looking ice cream. The white and blue of the vanilla/blueberry ice cream took my fancy and I pulled out a scrunched up ten dollar note out of my back pocket. Edward pushed it away.
"Let me pay."
"No, Edward…" I started, but he shushed me and ordered the largest size cone with three scoops of the mouth watering ice cream. He himself ordered rum and raisin.
We sat outside the small shop at the dainty glass table and licked our ice creams, both lost in the flavours. The blueberry wasn't sweet, but the creamy vanilla made up for it. The mixture was simply amazing.
"This is so…gooooood" I drawled. Edward laughed as he crunched down on the last piece of cone.
"Feeling better?" he asked. I nodded eagerly and finished the rest of my ice cream quickly. My stomach thanked me for the food.
"Thank you" I said sincerely. Edward shot me one of his crooked smiles that I rarely saw. If I had of still been holding my ice cream, I would have dropped it in shock.
I was definitely falling for Edward Masen. And I couldn't help but get the feeling he was falling for me too, as hard as it was to believe or accept. I wouldn't have admitted it a few hours ago, but now I did. Maybe there was a chance that one day we would be together. Maybe one day he would kiss me without backing away. Maybe one day I would be able to call him mine.
"I'm glad I cheered you up" he said, placing his hand over mine. The feeling of his calluses on my soft, innocent hands was golden.
"You have the hands of a musician" I smiled. He pulled his hand away quickly.
"Sorry, do they hurt you?"
"Not at all. It felt nice."
He placed his hand back over mine and we sat there, smiling at each other and rubbing hands until it was time to head back to school.